One's Times
by sickandtiredtoday
Summary: And here we are again.  Another step in this long dance.  Please enjoy.
1. Introduction

7. One's Times

1. The Power of a Rose (Released)

2. Lunch with Yoshino (Released)

3. Talking with Youko (Released)

4. Sachiko's embrace (Released)

5. Moments with Her (Released)

6. Photographs (Released)

7. So Close (Released)

8. Horizon (Released)

9. Maps (Released)

10. There You Are (Released)

11. So The World Turns (Pending)

12. Ja Ne (Pending)

Dear Reader,

Thank you very much for following along this far, and to those of you who are new, thank you very much for choosing to read my work. It delights me to know you have given your time, and I hope that you enjoy what I have done with the Marimite folks. I know I have made some large changes to canon to suit my own vision of what Lillian and the students there are like, but as I feel the need to make it slightly more realistic, I gloss over certain things, introduce other things and hope it all comes out OK. I have become very attached to the characters after writing about them for so long, and it saddens me to say goodbye to them. I am done writing about Lillian, and I think I have gone as far as I can with this series of fics. The following chapters are really a conglomerate of random short stories, and as the name of this volume suggests, the major theme is time, and I hop all over the place, timewise. You may not like what I have done with some of the girls, but I have tried my best to examine the characters set out by the original author and then augmented in the anime and manga, and followed them to their conclusions, when put in different circumstances. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don't, so please don't get angry with me! The following is my examination of others besides Yumi and Sei, who are by far my favourites, and thus usually get my best writing, but I think the others are not too bad. Well, any time you feel like it, let me know what you think and I would love to hear from you. Every writer likes to get some feedback. And feedback is the breakfast of champions. Thanks again for all your kind words. They have made me brave.

All the best,

SaTT.

In case anybody is interested, I constantly listen to music while I write, and assigned certain songs to characters and pairings, or friendships. I didn't mean to, it sort of just happened, which is the risk when always listening to music while you write. Sometimes, my iPhone reads my mind. I am learning to cope with the intrusiveness of this.

Sei Nine Inch Nails-Right Where it Belongs

Yumi Mansun-Wide Open Space

Sachiko Placebo-I feel you (Depeche Mode cover)

Youko Madonna and Lil' Wayne-Revolver

Rei Portishead-Glorybox

Yoshino The White Stripes-Seven Nation Army

Shimako They Might Be Giants-Birdhouse in Your Soul

Eriko Marilyn Manson-Saint

Noriko Beta Band-Squares

Nana Daft Punk-Harder Better Faster

Touko Scandal-Girlism

Kanako Korn-Coming Undone

Sei x Yumi Lamb-Gorecki (Iggy Pop and the Stooges-Little Stranger for their love scenes. This song sounds like an orgasm)

Yumi x Sachiko Celldweller-Sorry to Say

Rei x Yoshino Garbage-No. 1 Crush

Yoshino x Nana ELO-Mr. Blue Sky

Sei x Shimako Glen Campbell-Witchita Linesman (Terribly romantic, but oddly fitting)

Shimako x Noriko Suzanne Vega-Caramel

Yumi x Touko Mademoiselle-Do You love Me?

Youko x Sachiko Rob Zombie-Red Red Kroovy (Never Gonna Stop)

Eriko x Rei Death Cab for Cutie-I will Possess your Heart

Sei x Eriko Limp Bizkit-Eat You Alive

Sei x Youko Eagles of Death Metal-The Boy's Bad News

Sei x Sachiko Evanescence-Going Under

Yumi x Yoshino DJ Fresh ft. Sian Evans-Louder

Yumi x Shimako Yuu Kobayashi-Kimi ni Mune Kyun

Yumi x Kanako Foo Fighters-Let it Die

Sei x Shiori Dirty Vegas-Days go By (Acoustic)

Sei x Shizuka Alanis Morissette-Uninvited

Yumi x Shizuka The Cure-Us or Them

Shimako x Shizuka Bjork-Play Dead

If anyone has suggestions for theme tunes for the characters, I would love to hear them.


	2. The Power of a Rose

7. One's Times.

Chapter One

The Power of a Rose

There are times on the run up to her graduation when Sei treats the whole school like her personal playground. This is when Yumi realises just how much power the Yamayurikai can wield, if they choose to, amongst the student body and faculty alike. If she is honest with herself, she had been vaguely aware of it. Every first year comes into the high school division, those who have come up through Lillian anyway, have the image of the Roses already as a part of their vernacular. The school newsletter made it to the other divisions as well. Yumi had always known of the high school student council. Maybe not the particulars, but the legend of them casts a long shadow. Little did she think she would be a part of that legend. But the idol-like buzz that trails in the Rosa's wakes is more than the youthful adoration of excitable teenage girls. Indeed, Yumi had had a taste of it with Sachiko, even before she was a member of the Yamayurikai. Sachiko had unleashed a little of that Ogasawara haughtiness on a teacher, when the teacher, a former student herself, and still quite taken with the gossip of the school, had asked about the presence of both of them together, when Yumi had already turned down Sachiko. Yumi had been struck at the time that there was probably no one else in the school who could have done that. She was wrong on that point. There were three other girls who could, and on occasion did, the same things. They are Yamayurikai, and rarely need to explain themselves. To anybody it seems. The Order are the directors, the teachers are the advisers, but the Yamayurikai run the students, and everything that involves. It was a valuable lesson.

For instance, Yumi finds that class skipping is completely permissible if, say, Rosa Gigantea should require her assistance with some matter. Which Rosa Gigantea did at least three times a week, especially when Yumi began insisting that she spend some of her lunch breaks with Yoshino. Sei, shortly after this announcement from Yumi began commandeering meeting rooms and various unused clubrooms, speaking with Yumi's teachers and her own with very probable and convincing excuses for their regular absences. This is causing its own set of problems, mostly in the shape of Yoshino's unending curiosity and mild jealousy that she is not as required as Yumi. It worries Yumi, because it is a matter of time before Yoshino connects the dots, if she has not already. Sei, with her new found sense of frivolousness of someone about to be done with high school, does not worry so much over these things.

But there is work to be done. Oh, is there work to be done. They are part of the student council after all, and everyday has something, new or routine, that requires their attention. In these meeting rooms, clubrooms, i's get dots and t's get their crosses, in a manner of speaking. This is usually done before or after Yumi reacquaints herself with Sei's brand of desperate passion. As doors are locked, if they have locks, or blinds lowered, if they have any, she looses herself in scorching kisses and demanding hands. She and Sei test the sturdiness of various pieces of furniture and each other in these school buildings.

Not that Sei is alone in the instigation of these meetings. As graduation approaches, every day slipping by, dragging the future closer, Yumi feels an increasing need for Sei. If she cannot touch her, then she wants to see her, be near her. Yumi recognises that she is falling into the trap of missing Sei before she is actually gone, and tries to fight against it. Sometimes, while in the Rose Mansion, with others or alone, she looks over at Sei, she looks and loves the simple lines of her uniform on her body. Loves the way the light catches her face, and realises that time is running short to see her like this, in this place, this often, in this uniform. She wants to reach for Sei, hold onto her, and with all her might, shift time and space, to keep them this way, their arms around each other, Sei's sexy, wicked smile just for her. And then Yumi realises that she is panicking and calms down a little. Yet the strength of the wish remains, like the haunting lilt of a song, the substance of which is unknown and remains stubbornly out of reach.

It is in these moments that Yumi is at her weakest. When her sense of decorum falls away, when she just wants to be with Sei, and she does not care who else needs them. All thoughts of Sachiko and Shimako, especially, who must be going through a hard time also, slip from her mind. It is at times like these that she redirects these longings and wishes into lust and she cannot contain it. If she can, she actively seeks Sei out, even going to the third year's floor and asking for her, and if Sei can get away, she follows Yumi where ever Yumi leads her. Yumi leads her to corners of seclusion or empty classrooms, and she holds onto Sei. And Sei's tall form bends like a reed in a river and holds onto Yumi in turn, caving, it seems, to Yumi's unspoken disquiet. Yumi knows she should feel selfish, wanting Sei all to herself, but she cannot help it. Yumi rests her face on Sei's shoulder at these times, on the soft fabric of her uniform, and breathes in the scent of it and Sei.

At these times, she tells Sei how much she loves her, stretching up on her tiptoes to kiss Sei, and accept a kiss in return, and then Yumi feels as if she can continue with her day. And at these times, if they happen to be in a very quiet place, the kisses are more intense, and Yumi pulls at Sei's uniform, wanting the girl underneath. At these times, these weak moments, Sei is passive, giving Yumi whatever she wants. At these times, Sei is so gentle, her touch so soft a thing, barely felt as Yumi pulls up her skirt, and slips her hand into Sei's underwear. These fast bouts of lovemaking against walls in empty classrooms, where Yumi imprints herself on Sei, wants to carry the feel and smell of Sei on her until they meet again.

Yumi harbours no illusions about how their lives will change when Sei starts college and Yumi becomes an en bouton. Their lives are busy as they are. They will, of course, make time for each other, but they will never be like this. For however long they are together, these moments, these times out of time, will never come again. Sei, like Yumi, is of a mind to make them count.

There are times when Sei is particularly needy for Yumi also. She walks fast, forcing Yumi to keep up with her, talking all the while, and before Yumi knows it, she is behind a school building, and Sei is on her, and she will have her, not waiting until they are somewhere more private. Talk of Sei's graduation never comes up, but Yumi can feel it. Feel it in the tightness of Sei's embrace, in her cold hands as they slip under her uniform, the thrusts when Sei enters her, because when Sei kisses her, it does not take much to be ready for Sei's touch. No, the do not speak of it, but Yumi knows that Sei is feeling something similar. As winter deepens and they come closer to the new year, and vacation time, the hump once crossed means that the school year is nearly over. Before long it will be March and Sei will go next door to the college.

When Sei told her where she finally decided to go to college, Yumi was overjoyed and disappointed. While Sei would be at most a fifteen minute walk from her, Yumi felt Sei could have done better. There is nothing wrong with Lillian college, but the opportunities it offers are limited. Yumi thought that Sei would go to University of Tokyo. God knows, she has the smarts. Yet Sei is content with her choice and that is the main thing, telling Yumi that there is nothing wrong with Lillian's English Lit. department, that it is just as good as anyone else's. And besides, this way she is close to her Yumi-chan and Shimako. This was said with a laugh. Yumi wonders at deeper reasons, but any time she broaches the subject, Sei derails her, softening it with a smile and a hug. At times like these, Sei's secretiveness is irritating, but she respects Sei's privacy on the matter. Despite their growing relationship, Yumi has learned something very important about Sei: there are certain times when she can ask certain questions, and times when she cannot. She does not hold this against Sei. It is a part of her personality, and Yumi leaves it alone. She has no fear of Sei's anger, as Sei has never been particularly angry or sharp with her. What they went through with Sachiko was the closest she came to feeling the heat of that from Sei, and she thought she would see more, yet she did not. She has no curiosity about it, and is not the type to provoke.

Yumi is, at this very moment, looking at Sei in the Rose Mansion. They are looking at some end of year reports from the clubs, and everybody is present for this, even the seniors who are contending with examinations for third level. They are here more in a supervisory role than actively participating, however, honestly, they can let go of these duties now, and let their en boutons take over. But Youko, being Youko, is making sure everybody knows what they are doing, and that the transition will be as smooth and painless as possible. Sei, Yumi knows, is anxious about Shimako, and wants to give her as much support as she can. And Eriko, well, she just wants to join in. If she has any concerns about Rei, she is keeping them to herself. Yet she is here, and perhaps that says it all. Today, she and Sei have been together twice, and Yumi's thighs are sore, and she cannot stop smiling. She gazes at Sei, unable to stop reminiscing, unable to bring herself to think of anything but Sei. Every so often she switches her gaze to what she is supposed to be looking at, but the words make no sense to her right now. She is not worried, though. Both Sei and Sachiko have been attentive teachers, and she understands what will be required of her when she becomes an en bouton herself next year.

She is thinking about Sei's anger, which seems to show itself as sarcasm, or facetiousness. Yumi has seen her bitchy and venomous with Kashiwagi, for whom she holds a distinct distaste for, for her own reasons. Yumi has seen her deliberately annoy and provoke Youko and Sachiko, especially when that bored look comes over her face. This does not work on Eriko, who knows that a reaction is a victory and decides always to mock Sei on a more personal level. Yumi has once heard Eriko cast aspersions on Sei's sexuality, and her obviously frustrated state evident in her molestation of her juniors. Yumi believes that the words Eriko actually used were: "water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink". This left Sei smiling suggestively at Eriko, commenting that Eriko seemed unusually interested in the subject of Sei's tastes. It had gone on for a while, and for Yumi it had been like watching a tennis match. There is a grudging respect between these two combatants, and Yumi is slightly fearful of the both of them at those times. It was this vicious flirtation that defined them.

Her mind wanders to Sei's interactions with the rest of the Yamayurikai. Rei she is always pleasant with. There is little or no interaction between the two of them that she is aware of, but Rei's personality is calm, and no one could accuse Rei of consciously courting controversy. When Yoshino gave back her rosary, Sei had given Rei space and time, like the other Roses, to ask for help if she wanted it. She had expressed concern, and left herself available for Rei, but nothing more. This is not to say that Sei is above using Rei to bait Eriko at times. Yoshino might get annoyed, but Rei would remain quiet, letting the storm blow over. Yumi admires Rei's ability to control herself, to give nothing away of what she is feeling inside. But like Yoshino, she would feel that Rei did not always have to take the path of least resistance. Rei's respect for her upperclassmen is absolute, though. Yumi put it down to a martial arts thing.

Yoshino, Sei loves to tease. Sei gets a real kick out of her, as they share a similar sense of humour. However, unlike Sei, Yoshino struggles to hide her emotions, and never more so when it comes to Rei. And therefore, she is always available to be exploited by Sei, who never tires of it, and Yoshino has precious little ammunition against someone whose mind works as fast as Sei's. What she does know about Sei she would never be cruel enough to use, so she is often left floundering when Sei starts in on her. There are other times when Sei and Yoshino tag team on certain things, and peals of laughter can be heard even outside the Rose Mansion. For the most part, Yoshino can hold her own, and that is what Sei likes most about her. She wants Yoshino to be cheeky with her, to play with her. Sometimes older girls do not know when they have gone too far, sometimes Yoshino has brought it on herself, sometimes not, but Sei is good enough to apologise when she has, whatever the case, and it is unique in her relationships with people, that Sei would apologise so readily to Yoshino.

Shimako, out of all of them, is inviolate. Yumi, even now, is still a target when Sei is feeling playful, though Yumi has gotten a lot better at sparring with her, knowing her as she does now. Yoshino teases Shimako a lot. They are peers and classmates, so it is expected that there would be banter between them, and Sei might laugh, but it is always good natured. There is something about Shimako, her gentleness, her slight out-of-touch-with-reality demeanour that encourages some teasing. Her replies are usually ones of bemusement, or confoundedly cryptic in nature. Yumi, who is extraordinarily fond of Shimako, the last year having built a strong friendship between them, is not adverse to occasionally poking fun at Shimako. Just as her demeanour encourages teasing, that same demeanour discourages being cruel. The joking will be light and gentle, nothing too serious, as if it would be a crime to upset such a lovely girl. Not that Shimako is incapable of defending herself. She can often fire off a one line reply that will leave Sei choking on her tea and Yumi creased in laughter at the look on Yoshino's face. But she saves them for special occasions, it seems. Sei never teases her, never mocks her, rarely touches her. But does not defend her either.

Looking up from her ma-jong club report, she looks at Shimako, sitting beside Sei, paying close attention to what Sei is saying to her. Yumi smiles. She loves Shimako, and hopes that they will always be friends. Of all the Yamayurikai, Shimako was the one to protect her. She stood up for her, and was honest and straight forward with her. They spent a lot of time with each other. Shimako's company is very refreshing, and already, Yumi cannot imagine her days without the girl. As she looks at Shimako, she feels a great fondness pass through her. Which makes what she is doing with Sei feel like a betrayal. Sei told her not to worry about Shimako, but Yumi and Shimako are friends, and now Yumi carries a weight in her heart when it comes to Shimako. There are times when Shimako looks at her, and she seems to know that Yumi is not saying something. Shimako will be quiet and wait, at certain moments in their conversations. But Yumi will also stay quiet, feeling very unsure. She wants Shimako to ask, but knows she will not. Sometimes this is a relief, sometimes it is a torment. At other times, Yumi thinks nothing at all, and the moment passes, as if it meant nothing, just another companionable silence between people who are comfortable with each other. But the amount of times Sei has requested Yumi lately cannot have escaped Shimako's notice any more than they did Yoshino's.

Yumi shakes her head, and goes back to her report, trying to push all the other thoughts from her head and focus. With a massive effort, and pretending she cannot hear Sei's voice, she succeeds, and time passes quickly. Quickly, indeed it does, and the days tumble past, and reports are no longer an issue, Christmas comes, the New Year comes, and they are skidding into March. Yumi feels bereft, and while she is happy for everyone to be graduating, she is sad. She is not alone in this. Many girls are saying goodbye to beloved Onee-samas, and Sachiko has been quiet for the last month. Yumi tries to do what she can, but Sachiko is rejecting her. It hurt for a while, but she empathises with her Onee-sama, and knows that she does not mean it. Youko is such a powerful figure in Sachiko's life, that Sachiko is struggling to come to terms with the loss of her. She will never be more than a phone call away, but this is not much consolation, when the person who's face you came to rely on day in day out, is suddenly not there...It can be tough. Though Sei is only going next door, Yumi is sad. She is sad to see the Rosas, the face of the Yamayurikai she first encountered, go away, as they must. It feels like the end of an era. She will even miss Eriko.

So it is graduation day, and much to Yumi's surprise, this is the day that Shimako asks. Finally. Despite how busy they are, Shimako finds time alone with Yumi. As the walk toward the gymnasium, she asks the most direct question Yumi has ever heard her utter. Yumi answers in the affirmative. Shimako stops walking, and looks up at the sky, taking a deep breath. And it suddenly strikes Yumi how alike Sei and Shimako are. Not just their looks, both of whom whom have Western casts to their faces, their hair colour is similar also. They do stand out, the both of them. This much is obvious, but it is a deeper similarity. Both of them hide their deepest emotions, in very different ways, so it is hard to spot. They are both rogues. Both biding their time here. She looks at Yumi, finally, and smiles.

-I knew. I just wanted to hear you say it. You wanted to for so long.

Yumi wants to say something, but she has nothing. Instead, she motions to the gymnasium, and indicates that they should talk somewhere where they cannot be disturbed. Shimako nods her ascent, and they walk to the back of the gymnasium, another one of Shimako's hiding places, actually. And also, Yumi remembers, guilt flooding her system, somewhere she had sex with Sei. At this point, she thinks ruefully, it would be hard to find a place in this school where she has not had sex with Sei. They reach the back of the gymnasium, and Shimako leans against the wall. They are out of sight, and it feels private. Yumi wants to reach out to Shimako, apologise to her friend. Apologise for what, she is not sure. For not being honest, perhaps? For catching Sei's eye? For falling in love?

-Onee-sama would look at you with such longing, Yumi.

There is a wistfulness in her voice. There is a sense of hurt. A quiet hurt, from a time when Shimako realised that something had begun with Sei and Yumi. Yumi knows that Shimako had her suspicions, but had kept them to herself, waiting all this while.

-Her eyes followed you. From the start. I think...I think...That I knew. Even before you did.

Yumi is in a state of pleasant surprise. Sei had mentioned her early attraction, but Shimako phrases it in such a way that says that Sei's initial attraction was much deeper than she let on. Yumi trusts Shimako's word on this, because Shimako, like Yumi with Sachiko, is very attentive to her Onee-sama. If anyone is going to know, it is Shimako. Sei is a very self-aware person, but even she is not sure when her teasing became something more. Shimako, however, seems to know. Yumi wants to ask, the way any lover would, what she thought Sei was feeling. But she pushes away these things. Not the time.

-One morning, I looked at you and Onee-sama, and I knew something had changed. Something had happened.

Yumi leans against the wall beside Shimako, her shoulder brushing Shimako's. This is not the first time they have had a conversation in this manner, standing in a quiet place, talking of all sorts of things. Yumi hears that old hurt in Shimako's voice, and lets it in. She reaches for Shimako's hand and holds it. Shimako lets her. In fact, she entwines her fingers with Yumi's, and they both look up at the sky together. It is spring, still with an touch of cold. It would be a while yet before they put on their summer uniforms.

-She hasn't said it, but Yoshino guessed as well.

Shimako says, a touch of humour in her voice now.

-I thought as much.

Yumi answers, fetching a dramatic sigh. Shimako laughs.

-I can see it in the way she looks at you and Onee-sama. Some how, she managed to put two and two together.

-And for once, come up with the right answer. Well, discretion is not Sei's strong point. Or mine, when I'm with her.

Shimako laughs again.

-I guess love and discretion are not well acquainted.

Yumi laughs at this. They say nothing for a while. Yumi can hear the grounds alive with students, all getting ready for the last ceremony of the seniors. It reminds her that she has not seen Sei this morning. She wonders where she is. Yesterday, Yumi found her in her classroom, sitting on her desk with a distant expression. Yumi had sat in Sei's chair, and put her head on Sei's lap. They spent a long time like that. Sei told of her of her time in school. There was a sort of melancholy sentimentality lining her words, a softness to her voice that spoke of regrets and joys, of time passing. The sound of goodbye. Yumi had never heard this particular tone before, and felt that this might be the only time that she would. Sei stopped talking after a while, and Yumi sensed she should leave her alone. She stood up, kissed Sei and said she would see her later. But Yumi did not see Sei later. And she already missed her a little, but she would see her at the ceremony itself.

So, here she is now, holding hands with Shimako, wondering what comes next. She cannot imagine Shimako would dissolve their friendship, but she is ready for whatever it is. What she is not expecting is what Shimako says.

-I'm glad it's you.

Shimako says in a quieter than usual voice. Yumi lowers her head, and looks at Shimako's still raised profile.

-Why?

-Because you're stable.

Yumi, who does not look at her relationship with Sei in terms of what she gives to Sei, is immensely curious as to what Shimako means. Her silence must indicate what she is thinking, because Shimako lowers her head to meet Yumi's gaze, smiling a little.

-You're not afraid to love her. She doesn't scare you, or drive you off. You have the bravery to love Sei.

-You make her sound like a battlefield! Sei is not hard to love.

-No, not for you. That's the point.

Yumi considers Shimako's words. Sei can be hostile, hidden by humour, can seem edgy, but Yumi was never afraid of Sei. But then, as she thought over the last few months, Sei rarely shows anger to Yumi. They have bickered and squabbled with each other. They have had disagreements, and Yumi has been angry with Sei at times, but never has she felt that there was a point where it would put a dent in what is growing between them. No, Sei is not scary. Intelligent, intense, caring, sometimes cynical, very loving, astute, playful, but scary? No, definitely not.

-It may sound strange, but Sei needs stability. More than love, she needs fixed points in her life.

-Like you?

-Yes, like me. Like you.

-Like Lillian.

Shimako nods at this. Yumi thinks about this, her thoughts flickering at the speed of light as she looks into Shimako's soft eyes. Lillian, the place Sei grew up, where the events that make Sei Sei happened to her, and now Yumi knows one of the deeper reasons why Sei chose the college here. One of Sei's fixed points in time and space. Lillian, where someone like Sei, if she chose, could be nurtured and understood. When she had her heart broken, Lillian, with its soeur system, had people there to catch her, and stop Sei, passionate, emotional Sei, from falling too far. Yumi does not know about other schools, but she knows this one, and if one were to believe in destiny and fate, which Yumi is not entirely sure she does, yet at times like this, it seems within the realms of possibility, that perhaps Sei is in the best place. With people who are willing to make the effort with Sei, until Sei is ready to make the effort in return. People who are not easily deterred, people who think Sei is worth it, even if she does not.

-Do you know her, Yumi?

-I'm beginning too.

-Does she know you?

-I surprise her at least once a week.

Shimako laughs at this. She lets go of Yumi's hand, turns and hugs her. Yumi holds Shimako's petite body in her arms, marvelling at hugging someone who is the same height as her. Shimako holds back nothing in her hug, pressing herself fully against Yumi, resting her chin on Yumi's shoulder. Yumi strokes Shimako's gorgeous wavy hair, the envy of many in the school, for the first time. How many times did she want to reach out and touch it? Now, she realises, she could have just asked. Shimako, ever patient Shimako, might not have found it such a weird request. Yumi strokes her hair, and listens to Shimako breathing gently in her ear.

-I'm jealous, Yumi. You're my friend, and I don't want to lie. When I figured it out, it hurt. Of course...

A gentle sigh.

-...By the time I figured it out, my jealousy was pointless. But I want to be clear on something.

Yumi makes a sound of encouragement into Sachiko's ear.

-I'm jealous because you got closer to her that I ever could. I'm not as brave as you. And I really am glad that it's you.

The whisper of her breath tickles Yumi's ear, just as her words whisper through Yumi's heart.

-Now I can let her go. And wish you both well.

Yumi feels a confusing mix of profound relief and sadness, a mix so strong, that she can feel tears, unbidden, sting her eyes. She tightens her hold on Shimako, feeling Shimako's arms around her tighten in turn. Yumi has no problem understanding the depth of what Shimako has said to her. And she knows that she still has her friend. Yumi is not naïve enough to think that with this, Shimako's hurt will blow away like smoke in the wind, and it may take a while for Shimako to entirely forgive Yumi. Yumi wonders if Shimako is aware of this. However, she does not want to find out. Some things are better left unsaid. There is only so much Yumi can deal with right now.

-Thank you, Rosa Gigantea.

She feels Shimako stiffen in her arms. Yumi makes it real for the both of them. Satou Sei is nearly gone. Satou Sei, wanted by many, truly loved by few. And two of those few hold each other, and console each other, behind a school gymnasium, as their lives shift once more, and they grow older in each other's arms, and learn that not all things are created equally, that not all is fair, no matter what rules they try to impose on their emotions. Yumi hugs her tight one last time, and then releases Shimako. They smile at each other, standing very close to each other, and time is not their friend, and they have already borrowed more time than they can really pay back. Yumi nods her head to the front of the gymnasium, suggesting that they get going. Shimako relaxes, and turns to head back the way they came, preceding Yumi.

-I outrank you.

Shimako says over her shoulder. Yumi starts laughing.

-Since when did that matter to you?

-Since you started sleeping with my Onee-sama.

-Would that not mean that I outrank you?

-No. Of course, if you want to start sleeping with the current Rosa Gigantea...

-Shimako!

As they turn the corner they run into Rei, who is obviously looking for them. She sees them laughing, and immediately starts smiling herself.

-What happened?

She asks, looking from Yumi to Shimako.

-"Rosa Gigantea" made a lewd suggestion to me, Rei-sama.

Rei looks extremely doubtful and says as much. Shimako, the cheat, is smiling angelically, clearly working some kind of magic on Rei, who visibly softens as she looks at her. Then Rei makes shooing gestures to the both of them.

-Rei-sama, have you forgotten who Shimako's Onee-sama is?

Yumi makes a last ditch attempt to best Shimako, knowing neither Rei nor anyone else will believe her over Shimako.

-No, Yumi-chan, and I always thought of Shimako-chan as the better half.

-She totally channelled her.

Rei laughs and Yumi lets it go in the face of Shimako's victory by default of previous behaviour. It seems, that there other ways in which Shimako resembles Sei. Toudou Shimako, who is now Rosa Gigantea, one of the leaders of the Yamayurikai, paragon of the student body. Yumi's friend. And one of Satou Sei's fixed points.


	3. Lunch With Yoshino

7. One's Times

Chapter Two

Lunch With Yoshino

It is late April, and Sei has gone next door to pursue her degree, when Yoshino finally tackles Yumi on her secret relationship. Obviously, Yoshino did not feel safe enough with Sei still in school with them to interrogate Yumi, fearing, rightly, the wrath of Gigantea. Although the previous Rosas will never be entirely out of their lives, all that matters for young people who spend so much of their time in school, is that it is a new chapter. And Sei being next door is enough for Yoshino to feel safe. Yoshino, who is a sporadically gentle person, with enough empathy and compassion to even her up, with Yumi at this moment in time is, apparently, feeling no such compunction to be gentle, empathetic or compassionate. She asks outright what has been bothering her for months.

-Why didn't you tell me?

They are actually alone in the Rose Mansion this lunch time, which is rather unusual. So Yumi can be a bit more open and candid that she would normally be. Yumi knew that being with Sei would not bother Yoshino unduly, it was Yumi keeping it a secret from her that would be the deal-breaker. Yumi inwardly sighs, trying not to let Yoshino see it. She does not mind talking about her relationship, and she has had few opportunities to do so. The only people she has spoken to about it have all had some sort of emotional investment, and this made it hard for Yumi to be truly open. At least Yoshino is not involved with any of the parties concerned, but even with her, there will be things that she will have to keep to herself.

-Because it's private. And it was a delicate situation.

-Does Sachiko-sama know?

-Of course.

-And she didn't take a hit out on Sei-sama?

Yumi starts laughing.

-Oddly enough, Yoshino, she didn't.

-But what happened?

-We dealt with it.

And there is a tone in Yumi's voice that stops Yoshino from haranguing her for further details. It says: _I hold you dear, but there are certain lines even friends do not cross_. Yumi, with no little amusement, watches Yoshino struggle, in a lady-like manner, to find another way to ask. Yumi watches her give up. Instead, she moves on.

-How did Shimako take it?

-Well.

-Like pulling hen's teeth.

Yoshino grumps, chewing meditatively on a rice ball, obviously weighing her chances for asking more questions, considering that Yumi is not giving much away. Yumi supposes she could say more without breaching any confidences, but part of the fun of talking with Yoshino is waiting to see what angle she will take next. Yoshino is not shy about asking questions, and she can be quite clever in the way she asks them, especially when the blunt method, which is in general successful for her, is gaining no purchase. Yumi has gotten very good at fending off Yoshino. Yoshino changes track again.

-Why Sei?

She asks, genuine curiosity in her voice. Her big pretty eyes are on Yumi, and Yumi can feel the weight of that curiosity like a wet blanket. To remove it, one must go some way to satisfy the person who put it there. All the same, Yumi will make it her business to make Yoshino work for it. She would have told Yoshino eventually about her involvement with Sei, but Yoshino does not need to know that. Also, Yumi needs some time to adjust to talking openly about this. It is harder than she would have thought to be so open, even with a good friend. While Sei and herself might not have been very discreet in their times together at school, nobody actually said anything out loud, except in the most private of conversations. So in this atmosphere, which is light, in a place she is so familiar with, she finds herself quite shy, and her way of expressing this is to play with Yoshino. She is reasonably confident that Yoshino can take it without getting put out. After all, she waited this long.

-Because I think she's beautiful.

-That's no answer. Yeah, she is gorgeous, but so is Sachiko-sama, but you're not dating her.

-It's a different kind of beauty. Sei is the first person I thought of as sexy.

Yoshino nearly chokes on her rice ball.

-Of all the things I thought I would hear you say, I never thought the word _sexy_ would pass your lips!

-Why not?

Yumi pretends to be insulted.

-I'm not sure. Because you are you?

-What does that mean?

Yoshino must sense she may be getting into some dangerous territory here, and backtracks.

-Never mind. Now, you think Sei-sama is sexy. Lovely. But why go so far as to date? Why did you actually get involved with her?

They are getting into the meat of the conversation, and Yumi is having to find words to articulate to another human being the things she has thought about, analysed and wondered at. The question of 'why Sei?' is meaningless to her. 'How could it not be Sei?' that is the question that thrums happily through her consciousness. But she knows that there is more than that. That the question of 'why Sei?' is multifaceted. And looking at it in a way that another person could understand, is making her rethink the choices she made over the past year, that at the time did not feel like choices. But they were, so 'Why Sei?'

-I think...One of the reasons, other than I think she is attractive, and kind and funny, is that there is a future with Sei.

Yoshino quietly takes this in, pushing the contents of her lunch box around with her chopsticks.

-So...There was something with Sachiko-sama as well?

Leave it to Yoshino to ask the hard questions. She found an opening, and slipped in. Yumi supposes answering questions like these off the top of her head, in other words, straight from her heart, she should expect to leave some sort of opening. Yumi briefly thinks about changing the subject, but Yoshino is making an attempt to be gentle, and Yumi knows that this will come up again. She may as well take this chance to answer Yoshino's curiosity, and perhaps, some of her own.

-I mean, between Sachiko and Sei, there wasn't a lot of you left untouched. Sei was harder to call, but Sachiko was very obvious. I didn't notice that this isn't Sachiko's usual way until Rei-chan pointed it out, and then I began noticing things.

-Oh? What 'things'?

-Like the fact that Sachiko-sama is only happy when Yumi-chan is practically sitting on her lap.

-Yoshino!

-Rei's words, not mine.

-Really?

-Yup. And she would know better than me, to be honest. Sachiko is always fixing your tie, or playing with your hair. And don't think all that hugging went unnoticed either.

Yumi feels heat suffuse her face. Of course, she is blushing. Blushing hard. Yoshino backs off a little when she sees it.

-Was there anything with Sachiko?

Yoshino asks, soft in her approach.

-Was there anything with Sachiko?

Yumi repeats thoughtfully, wondering how she is going to answer this question. The complexity of it hits her square in the gut.

-Can I say yes and no and leave it at that?

-Ahhh, Yumi!

They smile at each other, and Yumi takes her time to answer. Was there anything really, with Sachiko, anything other than a fantasy? Her feelings for her Onee-sama are very real, as are Sachiko's for her. There is something still brimming beneath the surface of their relationship, and Yumi and Sachiko, through some unexpressed rule, are leaving that particular hornets nest alone. It is not that things were ever simple between them. Their whole relationship is based on conflicting, wild emotion. Even when they are calm with each other, there is a tension. Yumi thinks it is actually worse since that day last year. And now there is Touko, who leaves Yumi feeling rather insecure. And to make matters worse, she is finding there is an attraction in her toward Touko, that is surprising, and a little disturbing. She finds herself thinking about abrasive Touko at the oddest times. Like walking through brambles in a jumper, she is caught on Touko, somehow. And she is related to Sachiko. Yumi wonders why this is important to her. Shaking her head to clear it, she finally opens her mouth.

-Sachiko has a lot going on in her life. She has other obligations. I'm not complaining, I understand and accept it. She can and does make time for me. With Sei, though, I'm the important person. I'm Sei's obligation, if you get me. I come first with her, and I don't think that's ever happened to me before.

Yumi sighs at this, reflecting on what she just said. While it is true that she can spend time with Sachiko in school, and this pleases her no end, it always did, there was, and is, a line drawn. Sachiko rarely has time to give Yumi outside of school, and Yumi knows why. All the same, it would be nice if their time with each other is not always under the ruling of bells. Sei, who leads a completely different lifestyle to Sachiko, has a lot more time to spend with Yumi, and this has made them very close. Just to while away hours with each other, talking, or watching T.V., shopping. To Yumi's young mind, these are normal things to do with someone, whether that person is your girlfriend or not, and it is something she does not have with Sachiko, or rather, not often anyway. And there is something else, too.

-And Sachiko is getting married, just in case that slipped your mind.

-It didn't, actually. I had just thought...

-What? That with some hopelessly romantic gesture, Sachiko would go against her family? That was never going to happen. She loves them, and this is what they want. And because it is what they want, it is what she wants. The love that she has for me is not enough. And I don't love her enough to be...

They both let that sentence trail off. Yumi knows that Yoshino knows what is being left unsaid. Neither of them want to say it, because it is not a nice word, and neither of them want to apply it to Yumi.

-It's just not that kind of love, Yoshino. I'm not sure what it is, but it's not that. It's not what I have with Sei. And of course...

Yumi pauses. Yoshino looks at her expectantly.

-Sei is Sei.

It is a deceptively simple thing to say. So simple, that Yoshino snorts at it.

-And girls in this place are tripping all over themselves because of Sei-sama. I like her, and I can appreciate that she is really beautiful, but I don't get it.

Yumi smiles at the expression on Yoshino's face. She really does not get it, and probably never will. That is OK, though. Yoshino gets it a little bit, and that is enough. Enough for Yumi to breathe easier around her. However, Yumi feels a some payback is in order. She is reaching the point in the conversation where she wants to talk about something else. They have not spoken long on it, but there is enough there to occupy her through the rest of the afternoon classes. And Yumi will not allow Yoshino to harbour any vain hopes that she does not have to trade for the rather personal nature of her enquiries.

-So...

Yumi begins. Yoshino is suddenly wary. There must be an unsettling quality to Yumi's bright smile, which makes Yumi smile more.

-About Rei-

-Don't!

-C'mon, seeing as we're in a sharing mood.

-I'm not sharing that.

-So there is something to share?

-I never said that.

-You did. Just now.

-We are cousins, in case that slipped _your_ mind.

-It didn't. But bear in mind, my Onee-sama is marrying her cousin, so I don't find it so unusual.

-That's different. Sachiko-sama'a family are mega rich, and the mega rich can be a bit strange that way. Keeping it all in the family, and what not.

-Don't change the subject.

Yoshino pouts at Yumi, and for the first time since they started this conversation, Yumi feels like she is in the driver's seat. She would be a liar if she said that she is not enjoying putting Yoshino on the spot. Yoshino can be prickly when it comes to the subject of her cousin. Yumi has wanted to ask Yoshino this before. It is not a burning question or anything, but she always suspected that Yoshino has other kinds of feelings for Rei. Rei, Yumi, obviously, does not know as well as Yoshino, though she has spent quite a bit of time with the both of them, in and out of school. Rei keeps her own council, but is generous, in a quiet way, about her interests and hobbies. Her opinions are freely given, and she appears to have no deep dark secrets. But who knows really, what is going on inside of Rei, of anyone for that matter. Sachiko and Rei are very close, closer now than they ever were, now that Yumi thinks about it.

Yumi likes Rei a lot. She likes her friendship with Sachiko also. There is an implicit trust between them that Yumi finds distantly comforting. Rei is very grounded, and it works well with Sachiko's more high strung nature. Rei can make fun of Sachiko in ways that no one else would dare. She treats Sachiko like anyone else, and Yumi thinks that this is what Sachiko responds so well to. Rei is steady, with a low speaking voice; she carries a feeling of control and has a good sense of humour. The last a given being related to Yoshino, Yumi suspects.

But that is not what Yumi wants to ask Yoshino about. Yumi wants to know what is bubbling under the surface of her friend. Instead, Yoshino knocks her for six.

-Is Sei a good kisser?

Completely out of the blue. Yumi does well to recover and answer with some sort of semblance of calm.

-Indescribable. Is Rei?

-I honestly don't know.

And that answers that question. Yumi has more to goad Yoshino with, and is about to, except for the tiniest glimpse of something flitting across Yoshino's face, the merest ripple. If Yumi had blinked at that precise moment, she would have missed it. She does not miss it. Yumi wonders at it. She searches for a way to describe it. Frustration? Anger? A profound mixture of both? Yumi knows Yoshino, knows her quite well, and knows her moods. They are friends after all. Different from Shimako, Yoshino is heat to Shimako's cool, and Yumi values their opposing natures. Of course, she wonders what that makes her. Void, maybe? She shakes these thoughts away, and focuses on Yoshino.

-Sharing mood, Yoshino.

Her approach is light but her tone is serious. That glimmer that she caught worries her. Yumi knows that the need to say something out loud can be so strong that it is muting. That certain feelings, like anger and frustration, guilt, shame, these feelings are probably the strongest, and therefore the most damaging. Yumi, who has appreciated Yoshino being there for her in the past, thinks that she should hear what Yoshino has in her heart. That Yoshino should say it out loud, to at least one person, someone she knows can keep a secret. Yoshino turns her face from Yumi and commences gazing out the window at the beginnings of spring. Yumi examines her friends face. She is delicately formed, this girl, with her small head and small features, the biggest of which are her eyes, made all the more striking for being set in such a small frame. With her soft jawline and her full bow lips, she is such a _girl_. For some reason, looking at Yoshino makes Yumi remember Eriko teasing her one day, here in the Rose Mansion, saying that there was a touch of tsundera about Yoshino, and on her it was just adorable. It was said with so much suggestion that Yoshino had blushed at the tone and could not find a suitable retort. She went quiet instead, and remained so. The blush had not left her cheeks either.

Sei had taken pity on Yoshino by making some subtle hints to Eriko about the nature of her relationships with her brothers. Sei went for the kill, because sometimes Eriko could go too far and never apologise. Sei had Youko's support by her poorly hidden laughter. So the secrets of girls, the secret unwritten records of the Yamayurikai, that will only live as long as the people who remember them, and which will probably be forgotten by them by the time they are done with living. Yumi waits out Yoshino.

-She's such a gentleman, Yumi.

Yoshino finally breaks her silence. Yumi briefly thinks that there should be a word dedicated to the tone of voice of someone breaking their long held silence. She waits for more.

-She's a girl, and my cousin, a complete sop on the inside, but she still manages to be dashing. Dashing, Yumi. And she can make chocolate.

Yumi cannot help but chuckle at the last part. Yoshino joins her. It is true. Rei makes lovely confectionery. Anyone who has tasted anything that came out of Rei's kitchen can agree on that. On the days when Rei would arrive into the Rose Mansion with a box under her arm, everyone in the room would regress ten years.

-Lillian's prince.

Yoshino sighs.

-And she thinks you are spun from glass.

Yumi hazards a guess as to some of what she suspects is frustrating Yoshino.

-Or made of rice paper.

Yumi is right.

-Is that why you took up Kendo?

-Partly. I wanted to show her that I could do things. Sporty, energetic, rough things, and I won't break. She doesn't treat me any different from the others, and I love her for it. Though, Chisato-san managed to get a hit on her the other day, because she was watching me. I'm hoping that will pass.

-What are the other reasons? You said partly.

-I want to spend more time with her.

Yumi feels like they are getting somewhere with this. She is not entirely sure what she wants Yoshino to say, or if she wants to hear her declare undying love for Rei. Yumi thinks that she just wants Yoshino to vent a little, with someone she knows is safe. Yumi, who holds a great respect for other's privacy in general, is feeling the need to dig a little deeper. Needle at Yoshino, until she says something she has been over a thousand times in her head. Before she opens her mouth to do just that, Yoshino asks her a very personal question.

-Have you slept with Sei?

-It's customary warn a person if you're going to ask a personal question. Y'know, 'can I ask you a personal question?'. That sort of thing.

-I'm still going to ask the question, so what's the point?

-To warn me!

-Well?

Yoshino dismisses Yumi's stuttering about, and cuts to the chase. Yumi debates. They are at that stage of the conversation where they are trading information in a less jovial way. Yoshino obviously wants to say something serious, but she needs to test the water before she jumps in. Yumi trusts Yoshino, and they are having a sincere talk about Love and Sex, of all things. Well, Yumi reasons, she does not have to give her any details. That would be far too embarrassing.

-Yes, we are sleeping together.

Yoshino's eyes go wide.

-You're a dark horse, Yumi! In fact, I think that will be your nickname. Fukuzawa Yumi, The Dark Horse.

-Please don't.

Yumi says mildly, feeling another blush burn in her cheeks. Sachiko is the only other person she has said that so directly to, and that was last year. She had not said it Shimako. In fact, Shimako had said it to her, much to her amazement.

-Why do you want to know, Yoshino?

Yoshino is not the only one who can cut to the chase. In a very quiet voice, Yoshino asks:

-What's it like? When you are together?

-Do you remember what I said about Sei's kiss?

-You didn't say anything. You just said 'indescribable', which really says nothing.

-It says everything. I really can't put into words what it's like when she touches me.

-Could you try a little harder, Yumi?

-What do you want me to say?

-How do you feel?

How can she say to Yoshino, that every time she is with Sei, it is like they are saying _I love you_ with sign language? That she can spend hours and hours with Sei, and still want more? That nothing exists when they are together, but the heat of them? That it is uncontrollable at times, this heat, this passion, that sometimes, she thinks that she is losing her mind, in the best possible way?

-Like I'm on fire.

Yoshino nods her head at that answer. Yumi sincerely hopes that Yoshino does not ask her for actual details. Yoshino is looking at her, and she is quiet. Yumi meets her gaze easily, trying to say with her face that Yoshino should continue. Moments tick by.

-I'm getting stronger everyday, Yumi. I still get fevers when I'm tired, but even those should disappear in a couple of years. My whole life, I have been sick. There was so much time spent in the hospital, so many pills and doctors, all trying to make me live a while longer. You know what, Yumi?

-What?

-I'm all better. Honestly. I have never felt so strong, so well, so in control. I have been a slave to my body's weakness, but now...Now, I find that I am a slave to a strong body.

_Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey_, Yumi thinks, silently begging Yoshino to get it out of her system, to hopefully feel a little better.

-And do you know what else?

Yumi says nothing.

-Rei is gorgeous. You should see her naked, Yumi. Talk about toned.

This is said with awed tones only sports fans can muster. Yumi, who will take Yoshino's word for it, has no desire to see Rei naked, so she foregoes asking for details. Yumi has never seen the allure herself in muscles or sporty types. She thinks, of course, of Sei's body, which is slim and neat, but it would be pushing it say she is toned. Although, now that Yumi thinks of it, Sei likes to run. Sachiko manages to be slim and lush at the same time. But toned? Not particularly. Yumi does P.E., and that is it. She is not bad at it, but she would rather be doing something else than running laps around the place, and net ball, which every Japanese girl has to play, holds no interest for her. She is not counting sex as exercise.

-No thanks. Where are we going with this?

Yumi is being deliberately blunt. Their friendship is strong enough to take it. Also, Yoshino has an automatic response to challenging language.

-I've been reading some of Rei's stupid romance novels.

-And...

-God, Yumi, are you dense?

-No, I'm not, but I can't guess at what you are trying to say either. Yoshino, if you want I'll gladly listen. But I'm not psychic.

Yoshino turns her face from Yumi again, and goes back to window gazing. Yumi, who is dying to say it for her, gets up to make tea and give Yoshino some time to put her thoughts in order. They still have time, and Yumi needs the distraction also. It would be so easy to just connect the dots verbally for Yoshino to agree or disagree with, but she feels that is a disservice to Yoshino. Yoshino may not feel the same way, but what is Yumi to do? She is not going to put words in her mouth. Yumi makes black tea, and takes the cups back to the table. She comes around to Yoshino's side and place her cup in front of her. Yoshino thanks her, and takes to turning the cup in its saucer. Going back to her own side, Yumi prompts Yoshino, as she seems to be stuck.

-Stupid romance novels?

She says, sitting down and taking a sip of tea.

-Yes, stupid romance novels.

-Talk about pulling hen's teeth, Yoshino.

-When you look at Sei, how do you feel?

And they are back to Yumi again. Yumi inwardly sighs. At least it is not about sex. It is an easy question though, so Yumi does not mind answering this one.

-Happy. Excited. A bit weak at the knees.

Yumi laughs as she says it. She thinks about this morning, when she met Sei at the gates of the school, just to say hello, and make arrangements for the weekend. Since Sei started next door, she has been a bit overwhelmed with the course work. She is happy with the reading list, it is just that there is an awful lot of it, and requires some different thinking from high school. Yumi, now an en bouton, is not as protected from work by Sachiko any more, not to mention the upcoming elections, has been very busy also. However, Sei, former Rosa Gigantea, in between completely abusing her position of power to abscond with Yumi to various quiet places, had shown her a lot, and guided her through some of the more complicated aspects of being a part of the student council. It is still a bit scary, the amount of work the Yamayurikai actually do. The upshot of this busyness, is that they have not seen each other in a while.

Yumi, getting off the bus, had spotted the familiar long frame of Sei leaning against the gate pillar. Yumi felt all the things she just described to Yoshino. The sight of Sei standing there, waiting for her, caused an explosion of happiness in Yumi. Only the deeply ingrained lessons on the proper conduct befitting a young lady prevented her from launching herself at Sei and causing a scandal. It must have been obvious how Yumi was feeling, because the smile Sei gave her made Yumi reconsider if she really cared.

They stood smiling at each other for a few moment, taking each other in. _She is so good looking_, Yumi thought, surprised again by the physical aspect of Sei. Sei spoke first.

-So, Yumi-chan, are you free this weekend?

Yumi pretended to think about it, her eyes all over Sei's body, looking at all the places she wanted her hands to be.

-I believe I can make time, Satou-san.

Sei snorted at Yumi's game, but her eyes were hooded and dark, and spoke of other things, things that made Yumi's mouth water. Yumi could feel the weight of her gaze, like a caress, like a kiss.

-What do you have in mind?

Yumi asked, as she came close to Sei and took her hand. She led her into the grounds. She wanted to get to the Rose Mansion early to finish off some paperwork from last night. Sei's warm hand curled around hers as she walked with her. They took their time, yet.

-I won't say what I have in mind right now, but this weekend I was hoping you could help me move.

-You got the apartment!

Yumi was delighted for Sei. After having a look at the dorms, Sei really did not want to live in them. She said that they were clean and comfy, but she was used to her solitude. She might not have minded as much if she did not have to share a room. But she did, and talked her parents into acquiring an apartment for her when they sold their house. Which they did, recently. Yumi considered that Sei always needed a choice. Sei loves being around people, but she needed to be able to get away too.

-Where is it?

-Harajuku.

-Really? Dirty old man.

-You haven't called me that in forever! I've come over all nostalgic. Let me wipe away this tiny dribble of sentiment.

-It's been a while since you provoked it out of me.

They laughed over it. Harajuku, in the Shibuya ward is a very popular hangout for some very adventurous souls who like to dress it the most outrageous things they can think off. A lot of the girls who have it as their second home, on a Sunday at least, have a sense of daring that involves the more form-fitting and brief. And the accompanying men who gather add to the scene. The ward itself is Tokyo's shopping Mecca, and Yumi has a more than passing familiarity with it.

-It's small, but nice. Close to the train station, near lots of universities, and we're just a quick walk from all the action.

-We?

-Well, you will be staying sometimes? Lots of times?

-If only to keep you away from the Lollies.

Sei laughed, and letting go of Yumi's hand, she hugged her to her.

-Bring your toothbrush.

Sei whispered in her ear, and Yumi felt something shift in their lives again. She slipped her hands around Sei's waist.

-Some day, Sei...

She whispered back, enjoying the feel of Sei so close to her.

-...I'm going to ask you to make an honest woman of me.

-Someday?

Sei whispered back, and Yumi could hear the smile in her voice.

-Someday.

They had parted with a few heartfelt words, and Sei's promise to collect her at the gates on Saturday afternoon.

Yumi, sitting now in the Rose Mansion, waiting for Yoshino to stop prevaricating around the proverbial bush, is unsure what prompted her to say that to Sei. As expected, Sei laughed, and made a joke about girlish hearts, but there had been something serious underlying it. Yumi has known Sei for a year, and has been dating her for...oooh...four or five months now. She is familiar with Sei's ways. She can read her voice, her eyes. She can catch the small nuances of Sei's body language. Yumi misses Sei, now that they cannot see each other as often. She misses her presence in school, the accidental and contrived meetings that made up her day. Now Sei is a college student. She no longer wears a uniform. She is moving into an apartment. Her hair is shorter. Although she is sure of Sei's love, she fears the distance their mutual absences from each other's live may cause. So Yumi is feeling insecure, and that must be the reason why she made that joke this morning. But she cannot, and does not want to, deny how she feels when she is with Sei, when she looks at her. She feels at her best in the warmth of Sei's love. She says as much to Yoshino.

-I know that feeling.

Yoshino finally says. Her voice is gentle and low, more gentle that Yumi can remember ever hearing since she started getting better.

-I want to touch her, Yumi.

This is said not much above a whisper. Yumi finds that she is holding her breath. She slowly and quietly releases it. Yoshino will not look at her, as if she is carrying some shame, or guilt rather, about her admission.

-I have always loved her. But over the last few months, I think of her differently. I'm not an idiot. I know what I'm thinking when I look at her now. But it was her stupid manga and novels that put a name to it.

Yoshino raises her hand, and rubs at her eyes, massaging them with her fingertips.

-It's like my body woke up. It woke up, and it wants her.

Lowering her hand, she raises her eyes from her teacup to look at Yumi.

-And for all that romantic rubbish she reads, she is oblivious to the fact that her own cousin wants her.

Yumi sits back and considers what she can say to this. So she says the first thing that comes to mind.

-Is telling her out of the question?

Yumi tries to be as gentle as she can. What Yoshino just said is huge.

-I'm scared.

Yoshino's eyes are becoming more limpid as she looks into them. The spark that is usually there, the essential Yoshino-ness, is diminished. There is no sharpness there. She looks soft and young and defeated. Yumi wants to go to her, but feels unsure. Yoshino can be particular about who touches her. Yumi is afraid of doing the wrong thing. Feeling like a coward, she has a vague wish that some one was here with them. Sei would be a good choice for this. But Sei is not here. It is just Yumi and Yoshino, and her friend is hurting. So Yumi decides to keep asking questions, mostly because she wants Yoshino to open up, and a little to distract herself from the idea that she is out of her depth.

-Why are you scared of Rei?

-Not of her. What it might do to her. I broke her heart once in recent times. I really don't want to do it again. Hurt her, or make her uncomfortable. If she doesn't feel the same way, how am I supposed to live with her withdrawal? Once I say it, I can't unsay it.

Yoshino leans forward, leaning her face in her hand. Her voice is small when she speaks again. There is a whisper of tears in her voice, that Yumi feels in her eyes.

-I took a 50/50 chance to free her. To free myself. Because I love her. So. Damn. Much.

Yoshino punctuates her last words by tapping her finger gently on the table. Yumi is starting to see the bigger picture. Not all of it, but she is getting a general impression of the enormity of Yoshino's feelings. And it strikes Yumi, once again, the quiet heroics of everyday people. History will record those who chanced it all for a glorious moment, to die bloody but proud, for some noble cause, like in one of Yoshino's beloved samurai novels. No one will record what happened to the others, those whose ambitions were smaller, and therefore of no interest to others. No records are kept of the millions of small sacrifices made on a day to day basis, all around the world. The deals with god, the promises made, both kept and broken, the begging. Heroes do not beg, they die and set an example. Most, Yumi thinks, do not want this. They want to live. And some, who's everyday bravery and common-place love which has to be enough, will gamble for it.

No book will record Yoshino's risk, Yoshino's bravery, her determination. She is one pin-prick of light among the estimated 6.5 billion on this planet. There will be no epic, no poem learned in schools, not even an etching on a tree or graffiti on a wall, to mark the fact that Shimazu Yoshino gambled what life she had left at sixteen because she loves Rei. So. Damn. Much.

-Yoshino.

Yumi feels she has no choice now. Yoshino is getting a hug whether she wants it or not. She quietly gets up and goes around to Yoshino's side of the table. She sits beside her, and puts her arms around her. Yoshino fights her a little, pushing at Yumi's attempt to comfort, not wanting it, not wanting to be weak again. Yumi knows something though, that Yoshino has yet to learn, since it is her body, her heart more precisely, that has been the enemy for so long. Even if sound of body and mind and have never known any different, people can still be weak. Still shake with that weakness, when their own emotions leave them twisting in the wind. If Yumi thought this would do any good, she would tell this to Yoshino. She would tell her to go ask Sachiko or Sei about weakness. She would tell Yoshino to ask Yumi herself what it means to be weak. She would tell Yoshino to ask anyone in their circle of friends, and wider circle of acquaintances, what it means to be weak. That it is OK. It is OK to be weak when you are in love, because love can do that. _ But Yoshino, love makes you strong too._

Yumi hangs on, allowing Yoshino to push at her, shake her head at Yumi's gesture, try to shrug her off. Yumi informs her that Yoshino owes Yumi a hug. The Foetida family have been very reluctant with the skinship, so now Yoshino has a chance to make up for it. Yoshino snorts at this, and calming down, she asks Yumi why she is crying? She has Sei and should be happy. Yumi, taking advantage of Yoshino's quietening, pulls her closer. She tells Yoshino, her voice low, and slightly raspy, that she likes Yoshino. And when Yoshino hurts, so does Yumi. Yoshino snorts again and accuses Yumi of being just a big a sop as Rei. Then she puts her arms around Yumi and accepts her comfort. Yumi cannot say what she just thought, or how fast it flickered through her mind. The thought that she likes Yoshino a bit more today than she did yesterday. The thought that Yoshino has done well this far, having no choice but to play the hand that fate dealt her, for putting her money down and calling fate's bluff.

They hear the distant ringing of the warning bell for the end of lunch time. Yoshino stirs in Yumi's arms. There is nothing more to be said for the time being. Yumi pulls Yoshino tighter for a moment, and then releases her. They gather up their books, bags, lunch boxes, and dump the cups in the sink for later. They walk down the stairs and into the early spring afternoon. The cherry blossoms are already losing their petals, and the rather festival and surreal effect they bring in coating the grass and the paths is refreshing to Yumi. As she wipes surreptitiously at her eyes, she thinks about Sei, and she thinks about Yoshino, and she thinks many things as Yoshino thanks her by picking on her, pretending not to see the remnants of Yumi's tears. Yumi does not take it personally.

-You've gotten very hands on. We just got rid of Rosa Gigantea.

-Hey, that's my Very Important Person you're talking about there.

They both laugh at this, chatting amiably about the times they spent with Sei.

-Besides, I think Shimako will fill her shoes well.

-Oh yeah, Rei told me what you said. For the record, I don't believe you either.

-Fine, fine, don't believe me. I was actually there. I know what she said.

-Does Shimako even know where her-

-Please, for the love of all you hold sacred, do not finish that sentence.

-You don't know what I'm about to say!

-I can guess. And considering the last twenty minutes, I would tread softly, if I were you. Now, back on topic. Everyone needs a hug now and again.

-But after the time spent with Sachiko-sama and Sei-sama, what does hugging mean to you?

Yumi gives Yoshino a look, as if to say:_ are you seriously suggesting what I think you are?_ Yoshino sees the look and holds up her hands in surrender, laughing as she does.

-Sorry, sorry. I'm just enquiring into frequency of this new, cuddly side of you. Will it be a regular occurrence, now that your Very Important Person has gone next door, or will it be when the mood takes you, as in, "Well, Onee-sama is just not enough today", casual kind of arrangement?

-Oh...Whenever my little Yoshino-chan needs me, I guess.

-Hey!

-I believe I'm more entitled to that 'hey' than you are. Friends hug on occasion. You should try hugging Rei more often.

-Not everyone is as tactile as you. What is it about you, anyway? Something about you seems to encourage it. And I hug Rei plenty, for your information.

-I have no idea. Youko hugged me as well, before she left. Tried to pull a Sei on me.

Yoshino's eyes suddenly go huge.

-No. No! Early Sei, before we, y'know. She tried to surprise me. And then she hugged me goodbye, which was very sweet. And I don't really want to know about your hugging habits with Rei.

-I liked Rosa Chinensis.

-I like the current one better.

-Yeah you do.

They chat and joke their way back to class, trading good natured insults with each other. They are closer now than they were an hour ago. They arrive into the classroom, and see the current Rosa Gigantea already there. She smiles sweetly at them, clearly happy to see them. She had declined to join them for lunch, as the environment club had something to attend to, and she had missed enough of their meetings as it is.

-Shi-ma-ko!

Yoshino sings at her, walking down the aisle between the desks. This causes a number of people to laugh, including Shimako. Then Yoshino steps in front of her desk, a very serious expression on her face. Yumi, who sits on the next row beside Shimako, sits sideways into her seat with her back against the windowsill, one arm resting on Tsutako-san's desk, one on her own, watching with curiosity and amusement at the interaction between her friends. Yoshino pulls herself up to her full height, taking advantage of the fact that Shimako is sitting, and fixes her with a gimlet eye. Yumi watches the expression on Shimako's face change from humour to interest, and perhaps a hint of worry.

-Shimako.

Yoshino says, her voice the most lady like Yumi has heard from her in a long time, her features haughty and severe, yet still managing to hold onto that cute elfin look that Yumi finds nearly irresistible on her friend.

-Yes, Yoshino-san?

Yumi can feel the grin stretching on her face. She sees others looking at them curiously now as well. Tsutako-san is tapping her on the arm. Yumi looks at her quickly and shakes her head. _I don't know either._

-This is a garden of young maidens.

Yumi snorts into her hand, and starts laughing.

-Oh?

The innocent confusion on Shimako's face is priceless.

-Just remember that, Rosa Gigantea.

Yoshino gives Shimako one last hard look, just to make sure Shimako gets the message, before flouncing past her to her seat.

-What?

Shimako asks no one in particular, clearly not receiving whatever message Yoshino is trying to give her. The bemusement on her face is adorable and hilarious at the same time. Yumi is struggling to stay in control of herself, and it does not help that Tsutako-san is starting to laugh as well. Shimako looks at Yumi.

-What?

-You have been warned, Rosa Gigantea!

Yumi jokes, starting to lose her breath.

-And you want to be a nun.

Yoshino says from her chair at the back of the class. Yumi is crying with laughter now, so inconsolable she cannot look at Shimako any more. She grasps Tsutako-san's arm with one hand and put her face in her other. The second bell goes, and people start shuffling into their places to wait for the teacher, still casting glances and smiles at the three of them. Yumi gets herself under control, with a huge effort and Tsutako-san's dubious help, which amounts to disentangling her arm from Yumi's grip, taking her by the shoulders, and telling her to do her best. This makes Yumi laugh again, and Tsutako-san struggles to keep a straight face. She somehow wrestles her giggles into submission. Throughout the class, though, she still manages to draw attention to herself by periodically snorting laughter and unsuccessfully trying to turn it into a cough.


	4. Talking with Youko

7. One's Times

Chapter Three

Talking With Youko

-Rosa Gigantea! Again?

Yumi is in a quiet hallway, carrying a box of freshly printed handouts for the upcoming graduation ceremony. She has seen Sei twice today, both times included a lot of groping and kissing, the last time included an orgasm that drove Yumi to her knees, dragging Sei with her. There is only three days until the actual ceremony itself, and Sei is clearly trying to create some good memories. And that is probably the kindest way of putting it. Yumi's legs are still a bit weak. As Sei put it, it was an apology for the loach scooping dance.

-Again? What have you two been up to?

Yumi freezes. These are not Sei's arms. Or her smell. Or more pointedly, her voice.

-Rosa Chinensis! What...?

-Oh, Yumi-chan, how disappointing. I guess you got used to being glomped.

-You could say that. Why are you doing it, though?

-I wanted to hug Yumi's soft body for myself. See what my best friend and petite soeur find so irresistible.

Youko pulls her closer, her arms fully around Yumi's waist, taking advantage of Yumi's hands being occupied. She rests her chin on Yumi's shoulder, and whispers to her.

-And I thought I told you and Sei about certain behaviours and the degree of acceptability of those behaviours?

-...

-Hmmmm?

Yumi immediately colours up, and yes, she does remember that particular conversation last week about when unfortunately, her desire for Sei got the better of her. In the Rose Mansion. In the afternoon. By an open window. Tsutako-san has been a bit odd with her since, but is keeping Mami-san on a short leash. Thank god for friends. Yumi, who is an awful liar, decides to stay quiet and silently plead for mercy. She is blushing so hard, and Youko is so close to her, that surely the heat of her embarrassment is evident against Youko's cheek. Her silent message must transmit because Youko relents.

-I'm hugging you because I want to spend some time with you.

She says in Yumi's ear, causing a tickle, changing the subject.

-Third year is so busy, that I didn't get a chance to spend much time with you. I like Yumi, and I'm sorry I couldn't spend more time getting to know Yumi.

-You were there when I needed you.

-High praise indeed!

Yumi goes over in her head what she just said, and feels several shades of bad about it. She meant it in a nicer way, but unfortunately, people cannot hear one's intent, just one's words.

-That came out wrong.

-I know it did, but it's one of your more charming traits. Do you still call Sei Rosa Gigantea?

-Only when I'm being facetious. I like you too, Rosa Chinensis.

Youko holds her even tighter, and sighs into her hair. Yumi feels a little surreal. Youko has never been the hands on type, maybe with Sachiko, but not with anybody else as far as Yumi knows. Yumi, who likes hugging in general, is not at all put out by it, but it does feel strange to be held by her grande soeur. There has been the occasional pat on the head, or squeeze of her shoulder, but not a hug. She can feel the physical contact open her up a little. A subtle magic, is touch.

-I...I have had my hands full this year too, Rosa Chinensis.

Yumi says quietly, slumping back a little into Yuoko's arms.

-Do you want to talk about it? It can be my last duty as your grande soeur, but hopefully not my last as your friend.

Yumi thinks about this. Can she talk to Youko? In a less significant way, she loves Youko, in that general sense of loving someone because someone she loves loves her. That she has had occasions to really appreciate Youko's regard and influence, as Sachiko's Onee-sama, as default leader of the Yamayurikai, as Sei's closest friend. She is also aware that while Youko cares for her, perhaps in the same way that Yumi cares for Youko, she is at heart a curious creature. And no one who knows Youko could argue against that. What softens Youko is Youko's deep caring for those close to her. Yes, she likes to know what is going on, and it is also true that Youko often knows a lot about people and situations that would make the newspaper club wish they got their hands on her first. Sei affectionately refers to Youko as a meddler, Sachiko call her astute, Yumi calls her a little scary in that way. But she is familiar with Youko and Youko's ways, and knows that if Youko is making the offer, it is of genuine feelings, whatever they might be. She suspects that it is a little from column A and a little from column B.

-If you have the time?

-I have lots of time for you, Yumi. Finally. I came looking for you, didn't I? Here, give me that.

Youko lets go of Yumi's waist and reaches for the box. Yumi surrenders it. Youko lifts it over Yumi's head, and tucks it under her arm. Turning Yumi and herself, she puts her other arm around Yumi's shoulders, and Yumi sees Youko's pretty face for the first time since they started talking. Youko is smiling at her, and there is the tiniest glimmer of something very un-Youko like on that pretty face. Yumi does not know what to call it. On Sei she would call it mischief, but on Youko that is not the right word. Youko can be quite mischievous, but it is an adult mischievousness. Nothing like Sei's, and usually has a point to it. Yumi lets the thought slip away for now, as they both have their heads angling to face each other in this position, and Youko is making motions with her eyebrows that they should move along to go somewhere and talk. As they walk, Youko reminisces, much to Yumi's delight, as Yumi is a curious creature also. That is how she recognises Youko.

-My Onee-sama didn't spend much time with Sachiko either. There must be some unspoken rule that one must leave one's petite soeur's petite soeurs alone. In the third year, I found out, that is terribly easy to do. It was Sei's Onee-sama who used to dote on Sachiko. Both myself and Sei would get annoyed over this.

Yumi often forgets that Youko and Sei were petite soeurs at some point. That they too were first years and then second years. Sei in particular she has issues identifying in that role. Sei always appears to be the consummate third year. Even considering how well Yumi knows her now, she met Sei as a third year, and with her looks and demeanour, she seems timeless. That she never went through the whole process to get where she is now. But of course she did. Just, being with her, it is still a bit strange to think of her that way. And as for Youko, for some reason, it is easier. Perhaps because Youko, being of the same family and being so close, it is less difficult to see the line of progression.

-Sei's Onee-sama was, and I am certain still is, a very charming person, someone you couldn't stay annoyed with. History, in a way, is repeating itself.

Yumi laughs ruefully at this, and agrees. Indeed, Sei is very difficult to stay annoyed with. Her smile, her words, that funny little head tilt she does. Youko is walking them through the school, heading toward the main entrance. Yumi is already finding this conversation fascinating. The current Rosas rarely talk about their Onee-samas. Sei has mentioned hers about three times, and she cannot remember Youko or Eriko talking about theirs. Sachiko and Rei do not talk about them either. There is no dark secret to be kept, nothing like that. Mostly, Yumi thinks, because their lives have moved on. They are the Rosas now, and their Onee-samas have done their jobs, gave their love and advice and also moved on. Life keeps moving. It is the nature of it. That does not mean that Yumi does not like to hear some of the history of the Yamayurikai, the council she is a part of. This small part of the school, the Rose Mansion and the generation of girls that have passed through it, are a part of her now. A legacy of young women who changed the school, and their worlds, to bigger and lesser degrees. All of these girls mean something to Yumi. Small somethings, indeed, but no less important for it. To hear about the more immediate history of those who just went before her, makes the circle of memory just that little bit closer.

They stop to change into their outdoor shoes, and then Youko returns her arm to Yumi's shoulders, and leads them into the early spring. Youko takes them down a path that will ultimately lead them to the cafeteria a short distance away. Yumi has rarely gone there, as she usually brings a lunch. But there are a lot of girls that prefer the cafeteria food for one reason or another. Yumi will go to buy bread on occasion, but that is it. She knows the drink machines are in there, but then she has all the tea she can drink in the Rose Mansion, so she has no need of them.

-As far as I know, that Rosa Gigantea did not share Sei's proclivities-

Youko picks up where she left off.

-But she loved pretty things, and pretty girls were included. I think we can both agree that Sei and Sachiko possess uncommon beauty.

Yumi fervently agrees. Youko starts laughing.

-My Onee-sama told me, that as soon as Sei walked in the gates of the high school division, Rosa Gigantea en bouton, as she was then, was chasing her. And Sei was having none of if.

Yumi, who still struggles to think of Sei as anything than as she is now, finds it oddly fitting that Sei would reject advances toward her. Would hate the feeling of obligation that would fall on her, outside of her control, the choice taken from her. It is funny, though, to think of Sei as a first year, and she can just imagine the furore that she caused among the student body. She does it now.

-Sei was withdrawn, difficult, even abrasive. To use a cliché, she didn't get on well with others, and the rest of our class didn't like her much. But in an odd way, it made her very attractive. Which of course, made things worse for Sei. Her face and personality were always going to win admirers. I wanted to get to know her better, certainly.

They are not in any particular hurry, and they slinge toward the cafeteria. It is a fresh day, and Youko's nearness is warm. Yumi feels all right, actually. One of those times when she has no worries that cannot not be put away for a while, and she does not feel any need to think any more than she has too. It is a fine day, even if graduation is but three days away, and Youko is chatty and friendly, and Yumi is relaxing under the attention of her highly respected senior, who apparently, has all the time in the world for her. It is a pleasant feeling.

-Her hair was as long as Sachiko's back then, and she never smiled. In fact, the first time I saw her smile, really smile, was early in our third year. I think Shimako was the cause of it. Now that I think of it, Sachiko was much the same. But where Sei was just rude, Sachiko was unstintingly polite. She still is, but she has relaxed a lot, thanks to you.

Yumi is of the opinion that Youko had more of an affect on Sachiko calming than she did. Youko spent a long time working on Sachiko, making it impossible for her to go home and be tutored, making her spend more time around people who genuinely wanted to know her, shifting her priorities, and getting her to open up. When Yumi thinks of it this way, it looks a lot like Youko still considers Sachiko a work in progress. Youko is the one who made Sachiko open up, and Yumi reaps the benefits of all that loving effort. And it was loving. Youko only wanted to know Sachiko, and being Youko, she also felt the need to help her. This rich girl who carries a heavy name and a large set of psychological issues, and who found it hard to make friends. Because she did not have the tools to do so. Youko made a huge difference to Sachiko's life, bigger, Yumi thinks, than anybody will ever know. Yumi wonders what sort of lawyer Youko will make.

-They are quite alike, Yumi, have you noticed?

-Yeah. I seem to have a type.

Youko laughs, and squeezes Yumi closer to her. Yumi smiles with her. It is not the first time she thought this. Sei has said that one of the reasons why she is so patient with Sachiko is because she feels sorry for her. To Yumi, this sounds a little like a lie. She thinks it is something Sei does not wish to talk about, her own feelings for Sachiko, and Yumi is not entirely sure how to ask Sei that would give her an answer that is not Sei being cautious. There is indeed a likeness between them, a certain something Yumi finds attractive in both of them, and continues to find it so. Yumi would be hard pressed to define what it is, except to say that there is a kind of elusiveness about the both of them, a slight distance. She knows that Sei would never make any comparisons between Sachiko and herself, but there is something, enough for Sei to bother taking an interest in her. She feels Youko lean closer, distracting her from her thoughts.

-You are nice to touch, Yumi.

Youko whispers to her.

-Rosa Chinensis!

Youko laughs again, and it is a good sound. Yumi briefly thinks that something has been missing from the Yamayurikai since the third years began their serious assault on entrance exams. Not just their presence, but all that it brings. The laughter, the warmth of them, the teasing and loving. It has been an unusual time for those left behind, as they readjust in the twilit world left by the three who can rarely be there, in spirit or body, as their focus is now firmly set on their futures. Yumi would have it no other way, for them, but she misses them.

-Seriously, Yumi. I wanted to ask, I'm sure you guessed that much.

Youko waits for Yumi's nod before she continues.

-You can tell me to mind my own business if you want, but I'll go on the fact that you told me you wanted to talk. I won't force you, not that I think I could. What I'm trying to say, is that I won't take it personally if you don't want to answer me all the way.

Yumi hears Youko setting the rules of engagement, and cannot help but wonder if Youko is embarrassed to ask Yumi about it. This is the first hint Yumi gets that this is not just a casual chat. Youko is going to some lengths to make it seem so, but Youko has an ulterior motive. Yumi has no idea what it may be, but she doubts that it is going to be anything bad.

-What happened between the three of you? Sei is the happiest I have ever seen her, and Sachiko is happy and sad at the same time. She and Sei are different around each other.

Straight into it, Yumi thinks. They are at the cafeteria now. It is empty. Everyone is busy at the moment, and most of the third years are not coming to school any more. The Yamayurikai and the clubs are the exception. Youko dumps the box on the nearest convenient table and directs Yumi toward the row of drinks machines, encouraging her to pick whatever she wants. Youko is giving Yumi time to decide if she wants to answer her question and Yumi appreciates it. Yumi eyes scan over the drinks on offer as she debates how much to tell Youko. She does want to talk, but she does not want to breach any confidences. This is not just about her, and as Youko said in the hallway, Sei is her best friend and Sachiko is her petite soeur. Already, Yumi feels the delicate ice she will be skating on. Youko is hardy, emotionally. If not, there would have been signs of it, and she never would have balanced the Rose families as she did for so long if she were not. She does not have to tell Youko about that afternoon. If Sachiko wants to tell her, fine, but Yumi does not.

-Has Onee-sama spoken to you?

Yumi asks eventually, picking a soft drink. Youko pops some coins in the machine and Yumi presses the button. She thanks Youko who winks at her, and chooses the same thing.

-Only a little. Last year she expressed some concern over how close you and Sei seemed to be. Knowing Sei was in a relationship with another girl before, she was worried. Her little lamb being led astray.

Yumi, who has just taken a gulp of her drink, nearly chokes on it. Youko pulls a tissue out of somewhere and hands it to Yumi, who wipes her chin.

-It took me a while to realise it was not merely concern. It was jealousy. Sachiko didn't want anyone near you except her.

Youko sighs, leaning against the drinks machine, her eyes moving restlessly over the empty space of the cafeteria.

-Unfortunately for her, Sei knew it. It was that picture, the very first one of Sachiko and you in front of Maria-sama. It tipped Sei off. I have a copy of that picture, y'know. I love that picture.

Yumi just takes in the information, not really forming any opinion one way or the other. She had been aware of Sachiko's possessiveness from the start, stupidly not recognising it for what it was. What it was hiding. Sei had even said it a couple of times, that she was priming the pump, so to speak. Yumi had objected to that particular phrase, which had made Sei laugh. But it had worked. She had indeed sent something pumping out of Sachiko. Youko takes a sip of her drink, eyeing Yumi over the rim of her can.

-Are you going to tell me?

She asks, her usually sharp brown eyes soft, but Yumi can practically hear her focus snap back. Soft as they usually are when it comes to Yumi. Yumi can only remember Youko once being hard on her and that was the night she went to tell Sachiko about her relationship with Sei. Even then, Youko had tried to be gentle with Yumi, knowing it was not going to be easy on her. But her priority had been Sachiko, as it always has been. Yumi understands it. She understood it at the time, and she has not changed her feelings about it. Yumi indicates she wants to sit down for this, and they move to the table Youko left the box on. They sit facing each other, and Youko never wavers from her. She does reach her hand across the table and holds Yumi's.

-Rosa Chinensis-

-Youko. Please call me Youko. Sachiko is Rosa Chinensis now.

Yumi cannot help but feel some embarrassment at referring to Youko by her given name. She calls Youko Youko in her head, but nowhere else. It is nice though. Feels very friendly and Youko is now Youko, and high school is falling away, even as they sit in the empty cafeteria on their school grounds.

-Youko. It's not just my story to tell.

Yumi sighs, and squeezes Youko's hand, meeting her eyes.

-If Onee-sama wants to confide in you, then I'll abide by that. If Sei wants to confide in you, I'll abide by that also. But until that happens, and I don't know if it will, the actual details I will keep to myself.

-You make it all sound very cloak and dagger.

Youko smiles at her as she says this, and Yumi smiles back.

-It's not really. I personally don't know all that Sei and Sachiko have said to each other, if they talk about it at all. Myself and Sachiko rarely bring it up, same with Sei. We drew a line under it.

Yumi draws her finger across the back of Youko's hand for emphasis. Youko nods at this, and Yumi can see her focussing on the 'it' she mentioned. Yet, Yumi knows the subtlety of Youko, and she will not chase after 'it' until she thinks Yumi will actually tell her. This is not maliciousness on Youko's part, or idle curiosity. As Sachiko shows her love through jealousy, Youko shows hers through inquiry. She is well aware the sorts of questions she wants to ask could easily upset others, so she has learned to be clever about it. It does not make her any less nosy, but the intention is a good one. She wants to help, even if someone else does not want her help. Yumi does not want help, but she likes that the older girl wants to anyway.

-That Monday, there was a strange atmosphere between the three of you. I remembered it, it was so noticeable. I wanted to ask then, but I knew I couldn't. That much was clear. I think it was a week later when I asked Sachiko if she was OK. I still have not told her that I knew before she did. Even it was only by a day or so, I still don't want her to know. Pathetic, but it is what it is.

Yumi really wants to know what Sachiko said. Sachiko and herself are as close as ever. Honestly, it is like nothing happened. Yumi, not knowing what the fall out would be once Sachiko had a chance to think about what she did, had braced herself. That Monday, it was Sachiko and not Sei who met her first thing in the Rose Mansion. And she has been affectionately, tie-fixingly Onee-sama ever since. Except when they argue. They occasionally have disagreements about some matters, and those are the only times when Sachiko looks at her differently. Looks at her like she did that afternoon. Yumi knows what it is, and is refusing to think about it.

Something else occurs to her now, sitting here, talking with Youko. Sometimes it is Sachiko who meets her, sometimes it is Sei. What exactly goes on between them? She makes a mental note to ask Sei about it. Sachiko also, for that matter.

-I know you want to hear this, and I think you should, or else I wouldn't tell you. She said that Yumi's heart is her own, and she will not interfere. She said that you showed her that. And that is as much as she would say about it.

Yumi remains quiet. She cannot tell Youko what happened that day. She will have to leave it to Youko's imagination. She wonders about Sachiko's words. Her mind touches on the subject she does not really want to think about. She knows Sachiko, and she hopes that Sachiko meant what she said. She thinks about her relationship with her Onee-sama, and she thinks about the fact that Sachiko will not voluntarily talk about what happened, or how she feels now. She said this to Youko, but she did not say this to Yumi. Yumi wonders why.

-Yumi?

-It's as she said.

-Do I have to worry about Sachiko?

-Not any more than you already do.

Youko smiles ruefully at this.

-She is not a hundred per cent happy, but it's as she said. My heart is my own. And I have no intention of following an Ogasawara family tradition.

It is Youko's turn to choke on her drink. She laughs, putting down her can and using her hand to wipe her mouth.

-There it is.

-What is?

-The reason why I thought you would be good for her. Good for the Yamayurikai. Why I laughed when Sachiko feared you would be led astray. I cannot imagine you being led astray by anyone, to be honest.

Yumi considers this. She considers her place in the Yamayurikai, the Chinensis line. No, there is no one there who can lead her astray. No one but Yumi herself. This thought could lead to a lot of dangerous waters that Yumi has no intention of treading at this moment in time. Instead she refocuses on Youko, and suddenly feels very deeply for her. She also realises, as it has slipped her mind at some point during their conversation, that this really is the last chance she has to ask about Youko's role, while she is still so close to it.

-It must have been hard.

-What was, Yumi?

-Mediating between Sei and Eriko for three years.

Youko squeezes Yumi's hand again, and rolls her eyes.

-Some days, I hated the both of them. The way they would pick at each other, and then both look to me to be on their sides. They are both my closest friends, and I love them both, but sometimes, I just wanted to lock them in a cage and let them fight to the death.

Yumi starts laughing. Indeed, things often got heated between Sei and Eriko. Sometimes they were plain nasty to each other. Most of the time they were fine, if narky. Youko is excellent at handling the both of them. Practice, Yumi thinks.

-And we are all in the same classroom, and have been for all of high school. And we are all in the Yamayurikai, so two people who naturally rub each other up the wrong way had to spend all that time together. Some days, it was like one or both of them woke up bitchy, and would start in as soon as they saw each other. Secretly, I think they like it.

Yumi thinks of Sei and her teasing and provocation. She thinks of Eriko and her detachment, her ennui, until she is truly engaged. She thinks of the two of them sparking off each other, and smiles to herself.

-Yeah, they do.

-Chinensis was always piggy in the middle. I saw it with our Onee-samas as well. Like to like, down through the years.

-The secret history of girls.

Yumi mumbles, surprising Youko judging from her expression. Yumi blushes, mortified that she had said that out loud. She looks down, not liking the way that Youko is appraising her. It reminds her of the morning that Youko, in a matter of seconds, figured out Yumi and Sei. It was like she was seeing Yumi for the first time, and is not sure what she is seeing, that perhaps Yumi is some new species that has wandered in from the wild. It is troubling to be looked at in such a manner, and Yumi has just enough pride to be vaguely insulted by it. She thinks of some past conversations with Sei and Sachiko, and they seemed to underestimate her. Or perhaps, they just want to see her a certain way. Even her own peers, both in the Yamayurikai and out of it, think of Yumi a certain way. Yumi is not so unaware of others as to not know this much at least. Most of the time, Yumi is fine about this. She thinks it would be worse to be like Sachiko, for instance. Everybody looks at her, a burden in its own right, and with it they expect so much of her. The pressure must be massive. Sachiko never says, but Yumi knows when some days have been particularly trying, and does her best to be the petite soeur Sachiko wants. This might be where Yumi learned to act 'Yumi'. She inwardly sighs. Perhaps it is better to fly beneath the radar, and allow people to think what they want of her. She gets on with everyone, so that her school days pass, for the most part, untroubled. In fact, the biggest thing to happen to her was Sachiko, and then Sei. But those things are personal.

-What do you want to do, when you finish school?

-A teacher.

-Second or third level?

-Third.

-Why?

-I would rather be in the company of people who want to learn, rather than those who have to learn.

-You're very sure.

Yumi has always wanted to be a teacher, once she got passed the 'I want to be a space cowboy!' stage of her childhood. She thought she would be a high school teacher, but as she moves through the years, she is increasingly disillusioned by the system, that teaches only to pass tests, the swallowing of facts and figures, without any real explanation or context. Learning by rote is a bit wasteful, in Yumi's humble opinion. Yumi remembers the constant grinding stress of studying for the high school exam. Just because she had been in Lillian since pre-school, did not entitle her to immediately pass into the high school division. She still had to compete for it.

Then when she got here, she found that they had upped the ante. Test after test, and this is just her first year. She has become quite adroit at passing tests, and studying in general. That was Sachiko's doing, and then later, Sei joined in as well, so she has two of the highest scoring students in the school coaching her. It could be a lot worse. She mentally shakes her head. She has been very lucky in many ways. Quite apart from that, there is a growing resentment in her toward the high school system. Knowing there is nothing she can do about it, she has instead made the decision that she wants no part of it.

-I'm sure. I'm not sure what I want to teach, but I'm sure of where I want to be.

Youko stretches across the table, and tucks Yumi's hair behind her ear. An excuse if ever Yumi saw one. Youko cups Yumi's cheek

-I think you would do very well at that. That and more.

-Thank you, Youko.

-I imagine you keep Sei on her toes. I can see what she sees in you, Yumi. Despite being 'Yumi of a hundred faces', you are quite the enigma.

-I'm sure there was a compliment in there somewhere.

-I have nothing but compliments for you, Yumi.

Youko sits back in her seat, taking her hand from Yumi's face. Yumi misses the soft hand. For some reason, it reminds her of her mother.

-So, I don't need to worry about Sei either.

-No more than usual.

Youko smiles at her.

-Is anybody going to worry about me?

Yumi says, cocking her head to the side and pouting, playing up to her grande soeur, taking her first and last chance to be cheeky. Youko spots what she is doing straight away, and laughs.

-I'll have to have a word with Sei and Sachiko. They are obviously not spoiling you enough.

-Or perhaps, too much.

-Oh? Are they smothering you with affection?

-Sometimes, I look at them, and think 'how did I get here?' that I don't deserve them. Sometimes, I'm very unsure, Youko.

-Of what, exactly?

Yumi debates about going into details about anything in particular. She look at Youko, and decides, why not?

-Before we met with Sachiko to talk things over, it was the first night Sei spent in my house-

-Sei said you had a copy of Plato's Republic and a picture of her on your wall.

-She told you that?

-We _are_ best friends.

Of course they are.

-I have a picture of you as well, so don't read too deeply into it.

-And Plato?

-I'm an enigma, remember?

Yumi grins at Youko's expression, loving the fact that she manages to catch her off guard. Youko grins back, her eyes shining with humour.

-Touché, go on.

-I woke up alone. I thought she had left. She hadn't, of course she hadn't. But that feeling of panic. I still get it. That feeling when I woke up alone, I thought it had all been a dream. Just for a second, I thought I had dreamed us. Occasionally, I still get that feeling.

-Where was she?

-Snoring on the futon.

Youko snorts, and shakes her head.

-And Sachiko?

Youko asks, using both of her hands to hold Yumi's on the table.

-I don't get why she loves me. Still. And my feelings for Sachiko...Are still more than platonic. I'm not sure what label to put on them, or if I should put a label on them, but they are not just sisterly. They never were. But I had no idea she was feeling something similar until it was too late. I had fallen in love with someone else.

Yumi looks down at her hand in Youko's and wonders at what she just said, wonders if she is being clear enough. She thinks about Sachiko saying that Yumi's heart is her own.

-And Sachiko's feeling for you? Are they like yours, for her?

-We don't really speak about it any more. But I would like to think that she has accepted my relationship with Sei. But to answer your question more fully, I think that yes, her feelings are similar. We were never just friends, you know that. In fact, you knew that before I did.

Youko nods at this. She is slumping a little in her chair, and her eyes are hooded in contemplation. One of the more paradoxical aspects of talking with Youko, is the comfort and discomfort of speaking with a person who is listening to every word you say. At this moment, there is nothing Youko would rather do than listen to Yumi, and Yumi is glad and slightly edgy at the same time.

-I wasn't sure if I should say something, at the time. I had learned with Sei, not to interfere with affairs of the heart. I didn't do any good, either. People are going to do what they do, and I only made an enemy of myself when I got involved.

Yumi understands where Youko is coming from. If she had been in the same position, she would have considered it none of her business, and left it alone. Youko is gazing thoughtfully at her.

-So, in a way, you could say that you are in a relationship with the both of them, only you are sleeping with Sei and not Sachiko.

No way in hell is Yumi going to tell Youko that she has in fact slept with Sachiko as well. There is no way to explain that afternoon to her. Yumi is getting the idea that as safe as she may feel with Youko, she is not going to understand that. Yumi is not quite sure she understands it herself. The consequences of her actions have been subtle, to say the least. But there is truth to Youko's summary of the situation.

-You could say that, I suppose.

Yumi answers eventually. There is the soeur bond she has with Sachiko that is keeping them close. There is nothing in her that wants to give up that bond, unless an ultimatum were to be given, which she doubts very much is on the cards. There is something Sachiko and Sei have come to all by themselves that Yumi has not been included in, and Yumi again shelves it for later.

-Do I need to tell you to be careful here? That part of the problem is that you were meant to be Sachiko's, in a way?

Yumi shakes her head. No, Youko does not have to tell her this. Nor will she have to tell her that if she had been dating anyone else, Sachiko probably would not have reacted the way she did, but then, Youko does not know Sachiko's reaction, because nobody has told her. She and Sei may have spoken, but it is clear that Sei has not mentioned anything, the same as Sachiko.

-We know that Sachiko thought she wasn't ready for a petite soeur. She was in a comfortable holding pattern with me, and I wasn't as pushy with her as I could have been. She would look at me with that face, those blue eyes, and she would worm her way out of whatever it was she didn't want to do. In fact, I needed the help of Sei and Eriko to fully persuade her that I was not going to let this go. She thought I would let her away with what Sei did, waiting until her third year to finally pick someone.

Yumi is not used to hearing her Onee-sama spoken about in such terms. She forgets that Sachiko is a petite soeur, not only an Onee-sama. Because of Sachiko's role in her life, it constantly slips her mind.

-So you were meant to be hers, and I suspect she will always think of you in that way. Even when you choose your own petite soeur and become an Onee-sama, you will still be Sachiko's, the same way Sachiko is still mine. I love Sachiko, no matter how many ups and downs we had, and she loves me, and now she loves you. And no matter what happens, she will always love you. In a very long winded way, Yumi, what I'm trying to say, is to remember to make time for her. She may have accepted certain mutable aspects of your lives, intertwined as they are, but that doesn't mean that her feelings can't still be hurt.

-I will. I always will.

Yumi feels that they are getting to the point of this conversation now. Youko is worried about them, and does not want to leave certain things unsaid and regret it. Yumi can read that from her as if Youko said it out loud. Youko's diplomacy is coming into play, and Yumi finds that she does not mind. She does not mind Youko's concern, and she understands it, mostly because of Youko's refreshing honesty about how she is feeling. Had she not been so open, Yumi is sure she would not be so understanding. But this is what she can expect from Youko, who also likes her, has said so, and Yumi believes her. Youko is not the type to lie for no reason. She would be polite and not say anything at all, but she would not say 'like' when she does not mean it. But then, it is not just what Youko says that is important. It is what she does not say. Yumi has never experienced this with anyone other than Youko. If one did not know Youko very well, one would never guess what it is she is up to. How much is implied in her conversation. Yumi admires this touch greatly.

-There will be times when you would rather be with Sei, but Sachiko needs you. Even if it seems trivial, it won't be to her. The choice is yours, of course it is, but it would be nice if you gave into her once in a while.

Yumi knows what Youko is saying. Sachiko gets distraught now and again. She reaches a point of emotional crisis that Yumi is finally reaching the maturity to handle. Yumi does not care that Sachiko is high strung. She does not care that Sachiko may be seen as high maintenance. Yumi loves her, just as Youko feels love for her, and then some. Yumi thinks on it, the signs that Sachiko is coming to an emotional crash. She is quieter, reads more, critical of Yumi. Rei is actually very good at reaching Sachiko when she gets this way, and one quiet day told Yumi not to take it personally, that Sachiko does not mean it, and will definitely make up for it. Even if Rei has to take her in the dojo to do it. Yumi had smiled that day, at Rei's explanation, but she got the feeling that Rei did not know the 'why' of it, just the 'how to fix it' part of it. She appreciated the words from Rei, as Sachiko and her had not been soeurs for long, and Yumi did not know how to make things better. This was different from what they dealt with before. So she took the criticism, and tried not to take it personally. Sachiko did make up for it, and did apologise, even if she did not explain what was going on. Yumi had just been glad that her Onee-sama was back. Yumi tried asking, but as Sei would do later, Sachiko derailed her train of thought with a hug. Yumi hates the way she is so easily manipulated physically. Sei and Sachiko both take advantage of it. She cannot help it. Their arms feel good around her, and they smell good. Both of them. Sei definitely has that extra something, that undefinable heat, yet Sachiko is exciting in her own way. Similar, but different, different enough that things do not get too confusing.

A companionable silence falls between Yumi and Youko in the empty cafeteria. They are still holding hands, and Yumi wonders if this is what having a sister feels like. She is long past the hand holding stage with Yuuki. She was never, honestly, sisterly with Sachiko. That jump of excitement when Sachiko is near her, is touching her, denies feelings of sisterhood. But there is so much more to their relationship than hormones, so much more that keeps their bond alive and vital, and that is far more real and genuine than merely being attracted to each other. She feels, with what Sachiko said to Youko, that Sachiko is trying to wish her well. She feels Sachiko's love and support, a warm presence at her back, pushing and holding at the same time. She protects, helps, encourages, teaches. She would do this even if they did not have other feelings between them, because Sachiko is kind. That is not a word often associated with Sachiko, which is a real pity, Yumi feels, because Sachiko is just that, that and more. But maybe Yumi knowing it is enough for Sachiko. Yumi will be juggling time like a street performer, but Sachiko will get back what she has given. With interest. A warm wave of affection rolls through her, and she feels an honest love for Youko for making her think about this. Think about it more in depth. Point her in the right direction, reminding her to be kind, to try and be kind with both the women in her life.

Sitting here with Youko, who is curious beyond what is strictly proper, Yumi knows there is no badness behind it. She cares about Sachiko. Youko is aware of the extent of her influence on her petite soeur, the mistakes and triumphs, inconsequential to anyone who does not know of this bond, but to those who do, means the world. Yumi knows more about Youko too. Youko who always took an interest. Yumi can remember some very warm times with her. She remembers Youko's banter with Sei, her gentle teasing of Sachiko, how she got Yumi and Sei out of detention that time, handled that incident that could have gotten Yumi and Sei in a lot of trouble. She can think of instances of being alone with Youko, of her honest and gentle regard, and how much of a child Yumi usually felt around her, both in a good way and the teenage, not-so-good way. Youko has been a petite soeur for two years, and an Onee-sama for two years, enduring the confusing overlapping year, that Yumi has yet to start thinking about in any serious way. The thought of having her own petite soeur is daunting, and she completely understands Sachiko wanting to put it off for as long as possible. She has no doubt in her mind, that Youko has mentioned it more than once for a reason, another reminder for Yumi that her second year is going to be different from her first year.

-The thing is...

Youko still has more to say. Yumi pulls herself out of her musings and pays attention to whatever it is going to be.

-The thing is, if you were dating someone else, not even someone from outside the school, just someone who is not Sei, if I did not know the three of you, care about you all so much, I wouldn't spend so much time going on about this, and would have spent this time chatting with you about you and your things more. I wouldn't be so meddlesome. But I do, and I worry. About all of you. I really hope you don't think too badly of me for being so nosy, Yumi.

-Never. I understand your concern. I would find it strange if you never said anything.

And Yumi means it. She is not just being polite, she really means it. She cannot think badly of Youko for anything, because Youko has never done anything, to her anyway, that would invite Yumi to think badly of her. Youko just cares, cares deeply about the people that she loves, and there is nothing wrong with that.

-Then, are we OK?

-Absolutely. Youko?

-Yes?

-Have you figured out why Sei and Sachiko find me so irresistible? It's just, you've been holding my hand for about an hour now...

Youko's eyes widen as she drops her gaze from Yumi's to their joined hands on the table.

-I'm sorry! I completely forgot I was doing it.

Her gaze comes back up, and her smile is shining there. With a final squeeze, Youko lets go. Yumi's hand feels cold after being in Youko's grip for so long. This warmth, the subtle but invasive presence of Mizuno Youko, the default leader of the Yamayurikai and Yumi's grande soeur. Going now. Yumi wishes that they could have spent more time together, but like Youko said, her third year is so busy, and of course, there was a lot going on with Yumi also. Youko takes something out of her pocket. A slip of paper.

-My email. If you need anything, or just want to see my face, let me know.

-Thank you, I will

-Do you have a phone?

-Sei gave me one for Christmas. It was her birthday, and she gave me such a gift.

Yumi makes a pretend grumpy face. She was embarrassed to receive such an expensive gift, because this phone is quite flash. Sei would not listen to Yumi's protestations, insisting that this is a gift for herself also, so Yumi should express her gratitude and kiss her. Which Yumi did, even if she still felt it was too much. Yumi gave Sei book tokens. She smiles now when she thinks of the messages that Sei has been sending her.

-I'm not going to ask what that smile is about. Anyway, Yumi, she's older, she feels she should spoil you and pay for things. Let her, if it makes her happy. If I asked you out for tea, I would insist on paying also. And you have two girls who want to spoil you rotten. It won't always be this way, so enjoy it while it lasts!

Yumi laughs and shakes her head.

-My pride takes a bit of a battering, though. I also feel like I'm taking advantage of them.

-You would, because you're Yumi, and Yumi is a descent person. To answer your question from earlier, no one worries about you because you don't need it. You're stable and thoughtful. A little shy to speak your mind, but you're already losing that.

-Doesn't make me sound very exciting.

-On the contrary, Yumi. These traits are rare, and when found should be treasured. _You_ are a rare find, Yumi. Apart from your face, there is nothing obvious about you. By no means are you ordinary. People will tell you that you are, they will think that, but Fukuzawa Yumi captured the hearts of two of the most extraordinary people I met this far in my life. That's exciting enough for anybody, and there is nothing ordinary about that.

Yumi has never been complimented in such a way. She can feel the tears welling, but she holds them back with sheer force of will. For Youko, of all people, to say such things. Yumi realises now, too late, that Youko's opinion has always mattered to her. She feels that Youko is wrong about her, but she would not be so rude and ungracious as to dispute her words. The Japanese way is to insist that, _no, Youko, I am not that at all_. Yumi does not have it in her. Youko does not speak unnecessary things. She has no reason to. She means a thing, or she does not, depending on the context. She speaks her truth as she experiences it, and knowing this, Yumi does not want to argue with such beautiful sentiments, as this is probably the first time someone has said something like that to her. Even Sei has yet to express her love for Yumi in such terms. The bar has just been raised!

-Thank you, Youko-sama.

Youko huffs a gentle laugh at the suffix Yumi gives her name, but lets it go.

-C'mon, let's get these handouts to the Mansion. One last box for me to tick.

-You don't have to do that.

-I want to. I'm hoping Sei and Sachiko are there. I want to make fun of them a little. Sorry, Yumi, but I'm going to use you shamelessly for that.

-Thanks for warning me.

-What are grande soeurs for?

-Wisdom and guidance?

Youko laughs, the sound of freedom, echoing through the big space. They stand up, and as Yumi leans over to pull the box to her, Youko grabs her, and pulls her into an embrace. Not as tall as Sei, about the same height as Sachiko, Yumi finds her face pressing into another girl's shoulder. Her smell is one of spiciness, something deep and dark and unknowable to Yumi. It is lovely, and Yumi breathes deep. The smell of her perfume, the smell of her deodorant, her shampoo, and finally, the smell of Youko herself. Yumi discovers, that it is not just Sei and Sachiko's scents she finds so attractive. It is the smell of women she really likes. In fairness, she has never been this close to a boy to smell them this intimately, but she really does not care if she ever does. She puts her arms around Youko and hugs her, hugs her the way she would hug Sei, because Yumi just cannot help herself this close to someone, to not put her whole body into it. Because Youko feels nice in her arms, and she smells divine and mysterious. She uses her whole body, and entwines herself around her grande soeur, because she feels incredibly close to her in this moment, a moment she has only for Mizuno Youko, who sometimes made her nervous, and once made her a paper crown for Christmas. A girl, no, a woman, who despite everything, is as unknowable to Yumi as her scent.

-I figured it out.

Youko whispers to Yumi.

-What out?

-What my best friend and petite soeur find so irresistible about you.

-Really? I'd like to know myself.

Pulling away from Yumi, Youko uses one hand to run her fingers through Yumi's hair, the other she leaves on Yumi's hip. She runs her fingers lightly through Yumi's hair, watching what her own fingers are doing. She carries on, until her fingers encounter the beginning of Yumi's jaw under her ear. She traces her finger slowly along Yumi's jawline until she reaches a point just under her chin, where she applies pressure, encouraging Yumi to raise her face a little, finally breaking her gaze from her fingers to look into Yumi's eyes. Yumi can feel a gulp wanting to happen, but holds it back. Youko tilts her head to the side and slowly arches her eyebrow. She smiles, a mysterious Youko smile, the _I know something you don't know_ smile. Yumi has seen it before, but not so close to her, not with the deep smell of Youko, the heat of Youko's body so close to her, and she suddenly feels very sorry for whoever Youko chooses to be her mate, because they will not stand a chance. She smiles, her full lips no more than inches from her own, and Yumi thinks for one crazy moment, that Youko is flirting with her, teasing her. She is not upset. This is far too interesting to be upset over anything. Youko whispers to her.

-And that, Fukuzawa Yumi, is my secret.


	5. Sachiko's Embrace

7. One's Times

4. Sachiko's Embrace

The Summer of Yumi's second year in Lillian High School division brings its own set of complications, along with a heat that wraps around her like a straight jacket. Though the Summer uniforms are welcome, as Yumi thinks they are quite cute. She thinks that Sachiko looks lovely in hers. Yumi will never tell anyone how she likes looking at Sachiko's arms. Even thinking it seems a little weird. But this is a distraction. Onee-sama is not in Yumi's good books today. There has been the promise of a date for a while, and Yumi desires the amusement park, if only because she knows that Sachiko has never been to one. And now it seems, yet again, Sachiko is going to push it back.

Through one obstacle or another, they have not spent much time alone outside of school. In fairness, Yumi does spend a lot of time with Sei in Harajuku, but bearing in mind the advice that Youko gave her before she left, she has been pushing to spend more time with Sachiko. But this is easier said than done. As much as Yumi loves being with Sei, she tries to make herself available to Sachiko, but Sachiko is very reluctant to take up her offers. So, more than she thought she would, Yumi spends most of her weekends with Sei. So much time does she spend there, that she has her own drawer and a stack of books on _her_ side of the bed. And a key. It made sense at the time for her to have her own key, but Yumi, who did not really think about it at the time, has been noticing some rather complex feelings rising in her on the matter, and the fact that she appears to be almost living with Sei.

It was not something they consciously decided. It was, and continues to be, a work of evolution. Yumi comes for the weekend, and of course, she brings a change of clothes, some toiletries, her homework, the usual things, things that are either forgotten or just left for next time. If Sei and her go shopping and Yumi buys a book, for instance, more likely than not, it gets left in the apartment. Sei, naturally enough, when tidying up, puts Yumi's things in one area so she can find them next time. Or Sei buys food and drinks Yumi likes. Or she replaces Yumi's shampoo or deodorant when she sees them getting low. It has gotten to the point that Yumi does not need to pack a bag any more. Sei moved in just after starting college and it is Summer now. In just a few short months, Yumi's presence is all over the apartment, and Yumi is not sure how to feel about it. If she wants something it is in a cupboard. She knows the neighbour's names. She is on nodding acquaintance with local shop owners. Sei and Yumi have become fixtures in a couple of cafés.

It is only a few weeks, really, since she first noticed it. She had let herself into the apartment one day, and by the time she sat down to do her homework, it hit her, like a wave of dizziness, just how much of a part of this life she is, of Sei's, and the thought that she is living two lives. After mailing Sei to tell her she was here, she had gone straight to the bathroom to have a quick shower. She would save the bath until later, so she could have it with Sei. She had then gone to the bedroom, to her drawer, and changed into shorts and a tee-shirt. She had then gone to the kitchen, grabbed a drink, and went to start her homework. As she sat down, she realised she was home.

Her eyes had moved over the large table by the window. It is divided between the two of them. A mug holds her pens, and another holds Sei's, and they sit beside each other, nudging handles. Sei's laptop lives on her side, Yumi has the password, and on Yumi's are some textbooks that Sei has made notes in for her. Her eyes then had roamed over to the kitchen, and she could see the pictures of them and their friends magneted to the fridge. She had sat there, and drummed a tattoo with her mechanical pencil on her open textbook. Sei would be coming home soon, and she will call out 'I'm home', and Yumi will answer 'welcome home'. Yumi was not sure how she felt about this.

Sitting in the Rose Mansion now, she feels like she is playing a game. That the both of them are. Or perhaps, she is disbelieving of what is happening between them. She still lives at home with her parents and her brother. Five days a week, she is Yumi: daughter, sister, student. But in the weekends, in Sei's apartment, she is a girlfriend, an adult. Sleeping with Sei, in an apartment that is full of her now, they have the things that they do only with each other, that is nothing to do with anyone but them. Their conversations, and their routines that built up amazingly quickly. She remembers how her eyes had drifted toward the bedroom door, and she can see it in her mind's eye now. She remembers Sei's first house warming, which consisted of just the two of them, and had taken place on the day that Yumi helped Sei move in. The apartment came furnished, which Sei said she fully intended to change when she got the chance, but that day it did not matter what the furniture was like, because they just needed convenient surfaces to fill the apartment with the sound of their moans, gratifyingly loud. Her mind's eye wanders to the kitchen, where she remembers sitting naked on the counter, wrapped around an equally naked Sei, holding onto her as Sei's fingers moved inside her, and lovingly wrung more pleasure from her eager body.

Sex. They have a lot of it. It is easy, fun and exciting. But sometimes it is a very serious thing. Sometimes, it is more than she can put words to, as she looks at Sei, overcome with so many emotions, overwhelmed and delirious with the love in her heart, and they make love, and it is a tender thing, their actions are measured and deliberate, and it is an experience. At those times, Yumi feels more than the sum of her parts, that she is connecting with some universal truth via Sei, with Sei, because of Sei and Sei's love. Sei is her whole world at those times. Sometimes, she feels so close to Sei, that she cries. Sometimes, so does Sei. There are whispered words of love and devotion, a secret language of lovers, carrying through the synapses of their brains, echoing through their hearts, sweated from their skin.

Other times, they are just horny for each other. They might meet at the school gates to get the bus and train to Harajuku, or maybe Sei has her car, and they struggle to keep their hands to themselves. She thinks of one Sunday evening, when Sei had driven her home, they pulled into a dark ally behind some shops that were closed for the night, and made love with all their clothes on in the back seat. They had giggled and then gasped. Yumi remembers the light of some nearby security light caught in Sei's eyes, and they silvered and flashed, and Yumi had dragged Sei back for another round. These times punctuate the bigger picture of their lives together, but she has to admit, when it comes to sex, Yumi is on familiar ground. She knows Sei's body as well as her own. What makes it more than that, is that she knows what lies in Sei's heart. Less so what goes on in her head, but that is part of the fun and frustration, wonder and consternation of being with Sei.

Her own mind, which is not really under her control at the moment, seemingly wants to dwell on the day she realised she was home in Sei's apartment. She had sat there in the apartment, her mind very far from her open textbook and what she was supposed to be doing. The sliding door to the generous balcony was open, allowing a breeze and sounds of the neighbourhood to drift into the apartment, and she had felt nervous. Sei had called earlier to say she would pick up dinner on the way home. She had felt very deep in something she is not sure she asked for, but had somewhere made the decision for. It was natural to want to spend a lot of time with Sei. She probably was spending more time than she would have with her because Sachiko was very reluctant to spend any time with Yumi outside of school. Some weekends she spends at home, others with Yoshino and Shimako, but most of her weekends, as well as some lunch times and early mornings are spent with Sei. It was natural too, to stay with Sei, take advantage of their own space, to sleep in Sei's arms, and wake up snuggled into her back.

She had gotten up from the table, and wandered out onto the balcony. She leaned on the railing and gazed out at the view that was still new to her. The late afternoon was slightly cooler, and felt nice on her bare arms and legs. She had kept thinking about how she got here. In a Serious Relationship with Another woman that she is Practically Living With. That is how Yoshino had put it a couple of days before, when Yumi's more unusual living arrangements had come up. It was not the case that she occasionally stays with Sei. It is living arrangements. She is living two lives. This thought comes back to her repeatedly. When she is with Sei, she does not think about it. It is only when she is left to her own devices, she wonders if this is OK, if perhaps that they are moving too fast. And she had wondered also, how long will she be able to keep this a secret? She does not mind Yoshino knowing, or Shimako. The Roses, she does not mind this family knowing, but how would she explain this to anyone who is not them? Her parents are at the foremost of her mind when she thinks of 'anyone'.

Yumi is now seventeen, and there is a lot going on. Finding a petite soeur is not a problem. It is the winning her over that is proving more difficult. Yumi wants Touko. She is not entirely confident she will achieve this, but she is working on it. Kanako, however, is getting a bit out of hand, and it does not help that Touko and Kanako dislike each other for whatever reason. Yumi is not vain enough to think they may be fighting over her, but her presence does seem to up the power level of their natural enmity. And now she is an en bouton, and there is a lot more work in the Yamayurikai to be done. She had, of course, realised that she had been very protected by the en boutons and the Roses in her first year. Even Shimako, who automatically became an en bouton because of Sei choosing her when Sei was in her third year, had not handled en bouton work. Sei had done it, along with her own. Yumi and Sei, as they skipped classes, had done a lot of it together, in between other things. Now she and the other en boutons were for the most part, left alone to get on with things.

And Sachiko has been distant. It is her third year, and she has already said she is going to Lillian college, so she knows what she has to do to get there. Which should not pose any problems for Sachiko. Between leaving high school and entering college, she will be getting married. Yumi knows that it weighs heavily on Sachiko. Not that she brings it up, but Yumi knows. And her grandmother, one of Sachiko's favourite people, is still weak and bedridden, and there is unfortunately not much hope for her. She has been as cuddly and loving as usual, as some things never change, and has had occasional emotionally taxing times, which they dealt with, but there is a more worrying aspect to Sachiko lately. A withdrawn quality that Yumi finds a little disturbing. In many ways, Sachiko is a much more open person, more willing to rely on Yumi, yet another part seems to have gone away. It is a thing only Yumi would notice. Yumi sighs, as her mind confusingly flickers between the past and present.

Which is why, today in the Rose Mansion, Yumi is being particularly hard on Sachiko. A promise for time together has been made, and now is not being honoured. Sachiko was up front about it, and expected Yumi to roll over like she did the last few times she pushed back the date. But not today. Yumi is definitely not rolling over today. In fact, she is literally standing her ground, gazing down into Sachiko pretty blue eyes.

-You promised!

-I know. I intend to go, I just don't want to go now.

Yumi is feeling hurt by this. She adores Sachiko, as much as she always has. While their relationship has taken on a slightly different tone, is still sure, sure enough for Yumi to seriously have her nose put out of joint about this. Speaking of Touko, they had hit some bumps when Touko entered their lives, but they are ironing it out, and Sachiko, with her new recognition of Yumi's more grown up state, revealed the situation she did not want to burden Yumi with. It had been a hard time, a sore and tender time, but it is easing as time passes. And during that odd, hurtful time, for some reason, Yumi took note of Touko. And she is now making Yumi sweat, even if Yumi knows, knows it in her bones, that Touko likes her. Yumi cannot explain to anyone why she has set her heart on Touko-chan. But she does understand why petite soeurs get chosen, on a more intimate level. It is a strange thing, how Yumi evaluated Touko. She is reliable, loyal and dutiful, bitchy, mistrustful, snobbish and yet appears vulnerable to Yumi. Yumi looks at Touko, and wants to take care of her, she wants to see what lies underneath. She understands what Youko said about her initial attraction to Sachiko, why she wanted her and nobody else.

The girl has some trust issues, something that is obvious to the keen observer and Yumi is very keen on Touko. So much so, that Sei has begun to worry, and empathise with Yumi's troubles. Sei is following Yumi's trials and tribulations with the wooing of Touko like a drama on T.V. She is careful not to give anything like advice, as this is Yumi's business, but she does take an active interest. Sachiko is leaving her to it. Yumi suspects that both the important women in her life are having some complicated feelings in regards to Yumi's attempt to secure Touko as a petite soeur, and both of them being who they are, are keeping it to themselves. Some of her other friends in her class, now that they are all second years and the subject of petite soeurs is a major topic of discussion, have asked why she is so dead set on Touko, and would it not be easier to pick someone a bit more compliant?

Yumi rejects compliant. There is a spark in Touko that Yumi finds terribly attractive. If she is honest, which she tries to be, she finds Touko, in general, very attractive. She is very pretty, with her sharp brown eyes, and her carefully and painstakingly styled curls, that make Yumi want to laugh and sigh at the same time. The tension that hums in Touko feels a tiny bit dangerous, and Yumi finds herself unable to keep from wanting to touch that. Yumi cottoned onto the fact that Touko likes to be useful, and her way of showing that is to scold, even her upperclassmen, like Yumi, seeming to find Yumi inept on a lot of levels, yet unable to leave Yumi alone any more than Yumi can leave Touko alone. Yumi is willing to play up to Touko's perception of her, if it means that Touko opens up. She is also willing to play the long game on this, thinking that Touko, with her pretty face and fierce personality are worth it. She would make a challenging petite soeur, and an excellent member of the Yamayurikai. But Touko is going to make her work for it. Well, Yumi surmises, anything worth having never comes easy.

Shaking her thoughts away from Touko, which is harder than she may have thought, she changes tack from attacking Sachiko directly. They have been bickering since Sachiko's announcement, and Sachiko is proving unmoveable to appeals to her honour. So she turns to Yoshino.

-Yoshino, what are you doing for Summer vacation?

Yoshino's eyes light up at the question, so it must be something good.

-Climbing Mount Fuji. It's been ten months since the operation, and the doctors gave me the all clear.

Yumi sees Rei's sly look at Yoshino, and the little smile that appears on her face.

-You mean you bullied the doctors into giving you the all clear.

Rei snorts and Yoshino swats her shoulder, making a mou face at Yumi.

-You got bullied too, didn't you, Rei-sama?

-I have become the official guardian of this pilgrimage.

She is smiling as she says it, then laughs outright at Yoshino's face. She picks up one of Yoshino's braids, and tickles her under the chin with it, finally getting a smile out of Yoshino.

-Shimako?

Yumi turns to Shimako, now Rosa Gigantea, and the first of them to have a petite soeur in the form of Noriko. Yumi likes Noriko immensely. She is the complete opposite to Sei in nearly every way, and is drawing Shimako out of her shell, inch by inch. They also appear to be joined at the hip, somehow. Shimako spends a great deal of time petting and pampering Noriko, and likes having her very close. She does all the things with Noriko that Sei never did with her. Of course, it is easy when the petite soeur in question looks at Shimako as if she has harvested the stars themselves. Who would not be weak in the face of that?

-Noriko and I are going to visit shrines and churches.

-Lovely.

Yumi could not think of an activity more suited to them. Sounds peaceful, if slightly boring.

-What do you usually do, Yumi-sama?

Noriko asks.

-Well, normally we go to visit Grandma, but Yuuki has some student council thing, and Dad has a big project on at work. Sooo...I did want to spend some time with my Onee-sama...

Yumi switches her gaze from Noriko to Sachiko, who suddenly looks up at Yumi.

-...But she is not interested in keeping her promises.

-I never said that! You have gotten very disobedient lately.

Yumi is getting to her. She knows this because Sachiko only reverts to a word like 'disobedient' when she is under pressure.

-We made a date, which we very rarely have, by the way, and now you don't want to go.

-Don't put words in my mouth. I said I don't want to go at this time. It will be hot and crowded and horrific. I am going to my villa. We can go in the Winter.

Winter is a long time off, and Yumi feels aggrieved. She also feels quite lonely. She was so certain she would be spending time with Sachiko that she had pre-warned Sei that she may not be available some days over her vacation. Sei had made a mock-grumpy face, and had extracted a promise that the second week belongs to her. As Summer means beaches, and beaches means bikinis, and that means Yumi in a bikini, and it means herself in a bikini, and that means this and that. In bikinis. If Yumi was not feeling so upset with Sachiko, she would smile at the memory, laugh even, because it was hilarious at the time. Sei had wanted the full two weeks with Yumi. She did not say it, but the immediate look in her eyes at Yumi's news, before she hid behind a joke, told Yumi so. This was the weekend just gone. To soften the blow, Yumi said she wanted to buy a new bikini anyway, and was Sei interested in helping her pick one out? Sei was, and things smoothed out. Yumi feels the sting of this let down here and now, and is unwilling to let Sachiko off the hook.

-When did you start going back on your word?

Yumi shoots across Sachiko's bow. Sachiko who is standing in order to reach a pile of club budget reports, picks them up only to slam them down.

-When did you become so insolent?

She hotly fires back. Silence fills the room, as they quietly seethe at each other. Yumi hears someone whisper, and Rei quietly answer. Their sounds are as inconsequential as the light Summer breeze coming from the open windows. There is a flash of a certain something in Sachiko's eyes, and a flush of colour on her face. Yumi knows she should not think this right now, and should probably not be thinking it ever, but Sachiko is sexy when she is mad. Slowly, mirroring each other's actions, they pick up piles of reports, and sit down, breaking eye contact at the same time. How can Yumi say it? _I miss you, Onee-sama, I just want to spend time with you_. Yumi wonders if this is one of the subtle consequences of what they did last Winter. That time away from school together is no longer safe, and therefore cannot be? But there is more to it. Yumi wants to know what is going on with Sachiko, wants to know the nature of why Sachiko is so withdrawn. There are quite a few reasons why that Yumi can think of, but she needs to hear Sachiko. She knows that Sachiko is not doing it deliberately, but it may be the case, yet again, that Sachiko does not want to burden Yumi. This makes Yumi feel sad, because they have come so far, for Sachiko to take them back to square one. So even though it is a bit sneaky, Yumi wants Sachiko in a sharing frame of mind, and new experiences make Sachiko chatty.

Yumi remembers the evening of the day she and Sei had spent with Sachiko. After they had made love, and Sei had chased her around half that huge house, they had made tea in the kitchen, and brought it back to Sachiko's room. They had laughed and talked, the three of them. It had been so normal. Sachiko had acted her age more, and showed her sense of humour, more than Yumi had ever seen. She had been relaxed and smiling, and Yumi had marvelled at this side of her, that even as her petite soeur, she had only caught glimpses of before. The only difference at that point between them and another trio of girls doing the same thing is the amount of touching that had gone on. Sei and Sachiko had not touched each other much, but they did touch Yumi. She was the buffer zone between them. She had spent much of the time entwined around the two of them, still carrying that feeling of sensory overload. Things had begun to heat up again, but Yumi honestly did not think she had it in her. Quite aside from that, Sachiko had spoken on a lot of subjects that day. It had been a rich experience all around, and a painful one in some respects. This line of thinking leads her to Sei. She and Sei had been quiet in the car going home, and thankfully, Sei's driving had been definitely better. In fact, it was a few weeks before they had a real conversation about what happened. And it was a hard one. Sachiko has never brought it up, and when Yumi asked Sei, she said that Sachiko has never specifically mentioned it.

Yumi settles into her work, allowing the reports to distract her from her bad mood. She does not want to fight with Sachiko. They rarely quarrel any more. They have occasional disagreements, and while they may have left true friendship behind, they are careful not to overstep into something else. So it is holding, with varying degrees of comfort. As she goes through various records the clubs have submitted with their requests for funds, she thinks of the last few months. Since Sei left for college, some very subtle changes have come into her relationship with Sachiko. Yumi is not sure what to name it, so she has taken to calling it unfinished business. Sachiko has gone back to watching Yumi closely. Yumi had not noticed it had stopped until it came back. Did Sachiko always do this? The gentle pressure of another's eyes on her, of Sachiko's, that she really had not been aware of, in all the time being Sachiko's petite soeur, had gone and then came back. And when they are alone, there is an atmosphere between them, at once shy and expectant, of words wanting to be heard, and not heard. Like just now. As they stared at each other across the table, that flash in Sachiko's eyes, and Yumi thought of sex. Yumi takes a deep breath. Sachiko is not the only one who has to push away her feelings. Another consequence of that afternoon haunts Yumi.

During that serious conversation with Sei, Sei had asked if it was over now, or was Sachiko always going to be a concern. Yumi had taken her time to answer. More than was reassuring, that she knew, as the seconds dragged out. She and Sei were behind the lecture hall, wrapped up in their coats and scarves. It was freezing on the run up to Christmas. They were leaning up against a tree, the one cherry blossom among all the ginkos. Yumi was playing with the ends of her scarf.

-Is that enough?

Sei had asked, taking Yumi's hand in her own, as the silence from Yumi seemed to be never ending.

-I mean, it was a remarkable day and I don't regret it, but I will never do that again.

Yumi looked up into Sei's grey eyes and saw how serious, how absolute Sei was.

-Yumi? You need to tell me what you are thinking. We have to have this clear between us.

-I think so.

-Yumi.

There was a warning in Sei's tone. Sei wanted this cleared away, so she was having none of Yumi's habitual reticence.

-I never did something like that before, Sei. I'm not sure what's going to happen next. But no, I'm not going to sleep with Sachiko again, and no, I'm not going to ask you to either.

Yumi lifted her head, taking her eyes away from Sei's. Leaning her head against the tree, she looked through the bare branches of the cherry blossom, and liked the way the branches criss-crossed her view of the dull winter sky. She smiles when Sei's hand came into her line of vision, and her finger traced its way down her forehead, over her nose, her lips, her chin. She sighed, and decided to just say it.

-But I don't know about Sachiko.

-Don't know what?

-We don't talk about it. And that's the problem. I mean, she seems OK, on the surface, but I just don't know. I don't know how she is feeling. She won't tell me. I took a huge chance, and dragged you into it...

-You don't know if we did the right thing?

-I was never sure what the right thing was in the first place. It's just...When it comes to Sachiko, actions can be better than words. That I wanted to give her something, or just show her...

Yumi trailed off, not entirely sure where she was going with that particular thought. Sei tugged at her scarf, and brought her attention back to her.

-I had thought at the time that we might have been cruel.

Yumi felt her own face go slack. The use of the word 'cruel' was like a blow. It was never her intention, but then she remembers the saying that the road to hell is paved in good intentions. She was shocked at this thought. Her mind scrambled for some way to refute it, but it was coming up blank.

-What did I do?

She asked aloud. Even to her own ears, her voice sounded small and upset. She worked at swallowing. Sei, who did not care where they were standing, pulled Yumi to her. She wrapped her long arms around Yumi, who could not find it in herself to respond much. She just leaned against Sei.

-She could have said no, Yumi. At any point. I could have said no. But I didn't.

They remained quiet, and absorbed this idea. Sei did not add to this. Yumi had no idea what was going on inside of Sei, not until she decided to tell her.

-But is it over now, Yumi?

-Are things ever really over? They just change, become something else.

-You're not putting my mind at ease, Yumi-chan.

-I'm sorry for that. Honestly, I am.

Yumi turned finally. She grasped the lapels of Sei's gaberdine and put her face against Sei's neck under her chin, pushing her scarf out of the way.

-Tell me. Even if you think I don't want to hear it. Don't worry about that part. Just tell me.

Yumi considered Sei's words. She considered and hesitated, and then let go.

-She will always be in our lives, Sei. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I love her in all sorts of ways, and I don't want to give her up. I can't help how I feel about her.

She let go Sei's lapels, and ran her hands up her shoulders, leaning back to look at Sei.

-I'm sorry I can't be more adamant. I love you, love you so much that sometimes I wonder if there is a point where I will love you too much.

This is said with a smile, and Yumi felt Sei relax under her hands.

-And yet...

Sei said, and she looked resigned to something. Yumi disliked the look, but felt helpless about what to do about it. When Sei hurts, so does Yumi, and yet...

-And yet, I don't know what is going to happen in the future. All I can say is that nothing will happen between Sachiko and I.

-Your word?

-Yes.

They had met then in a brief kiss, a soft, chaste peck on the lips. Sei looked easier in herself, and Yumi felt lighter. There was still something that hovered, but for the life of her, Yumi could not say what it was. Today, Yumi calls it unfinished business. Now that Yumi's school days are not so full of Sei, and they had been bordering on indiscreet at times, not intentionally rubbing anyone's face in their relationship, just exhilarated at the Sei's sense of freedom of being finished with high school, and Sachiko almost giving her blessing. Now, though, Sachiko has Yumi all to herself again. Sei pops her head in every so often, and Yumi sometimes goes over to the college, where she met Katou Kei, Sei's new friend. But for the most part, Yumi is in a routine. Time with Sachiko and the rest of the Yamayurikai, and the ongoing work of being part of the student council. Fending off interviews, with much help from Tsutako-san, and of course, the added dimension of Touko. So she is all Sachiko's again, for the most part, but things are different. And Yumi is not sure what to do, except find some way to get Sachiko to talk to her. Her mind goes on, picking a path.

There are times, when things get a bit emotional between them, like now, and that tension, quite like that evening in the greenhouse, like the time they made love, will rise up between them. A phantom of desire, a ghosting of sex across both of them, because now they know. They each know how the other tastes, both know how the other feels under their hands. Yumi looks in Sachiko's eyes, and she would see it, the need to reach out and touch, not to fix her collar, or hold her hand, but to touch what the uniform is hiding. The intensity of it, and there is no way Yumi can fool herself into thinking that she does not see it, or react to it. That is when Sachiko's eyes are full of that day, and they know. They know. Sachiko's answer to this is to get angry and walk away, leaving Yumi to deal with it by herself. All because Sachiko will not say what is on her mind. Sometimes, Yumi thinks it is better if Sachiko does not say it, better if Yumi goes on, and stops trying to bring it up. When Sachiko calms down, given them both space, she will come to find Yumi. When she feels safe, because at those times, they are not safe around each other. Yumi is not so stupid that she does not know this. Knows that they are walking a tightrope sometimes. So Sachiko will find her, and Yumi will get her tie fixed, and a maternal stroke of her hair, and things are fine again. Yumi might link arms, or even dare a hug. And they are fine. Until next time. Because what is done is done. Yumi raises her eyes when she sees Sachiko reach for her cup, find it empty and put it down again.

-Would you like more tea, Onee-sama?

Yumi enquires, her mood passing. She does not want to fight. If Sachiko does not want to go to on a date, then Yumi will push her hurt feeling aside, and take it like a woman. Because what is done is done.

-You noticed that very quickly.

Yumi gets up from her side of the table, moving around to Sachiko's.

-I'm your petite soeur. Of course I noticed.

Yumi answers gently. She picks up Sachiko's cup, and smiles at her, running her finger around the rim where Sachiko's lips have touched. Breaking eye contact, she goes to pour more tea, feeling Sachiko's gaze, warm on her back. She pours the tea, drops a couple of ice cubes in it, and walks back, Sachiko watching her all the while with a thoughtful expression playing across her fine features. Sachiko thanks her, and they go back to what they were doing.

Yumi peruses the records. The badminton club have a tournament coming up in another prefecture, so they are requesting additional funds for travel and lodging. From the records of their expenditures, they have not got this far in competition for the last five years, so good on the badminton club. And so on. She flicks through their receipts and past requests. Not exactly scintillating stuff. So her thoughts wander off, as they will, Sei, unsurprisingly coming to the forefront. If she is not spending time with Sachiko, then her whole vacation can be spent with Sei. If Sei does not have too many seminars to attend, perhaps they could go on that road trip that she has been talking about for a while. She is dying to take the car and Yumi far away. Sei's copy of On the Road has appeared on her side of the bed lately.

Yumi starts to get a little happier. If Sachiko is not ready, then OK. Yumi cannot force her after all. So Yumi carefully wraps up her disappointment, and leaves it to one side. Her mind, now free of that, drifts off to last Sunday, when she had bought her new bikini. Sei, when they got home, had asked her to put it on again. Yumi complied because of the twinkle in Sei's eyes, which thus far, has not failed to remove any sense of embarrassment or modestly she might be inclined to feel. For appearances sake, Yumi grumbled while she put it on, but she was secretly glad that Sei wanted to see her in it again. Yumi shifts in her chair, in the here and now, as the memory of what followed becomes visceral. When she thinks of when she walked back into the sitting room to show Sei her purchase again, Sei had dropped to her knees in front of her, and proceeded to take the bottom part off. With her teeth. Thinking of Sei's warm hands on her waist, her teeth scraping gently across her, then her hot mouth on her groin when she succeeded in undoing the ties, right here and now, Yumi thinks she might

-Come?

-Eh!

-What? Are you all right?

Yumi, who has not been paying the slightest attention to what is going on around her, so lost in that particularly vivid memory, that all she got is the last word of whatever it is Sachiko said to her. For one deranged moment, Yumi thinks that Sachiko has ESP'd her. Of course, she has not, but she feels as if she has been caught masturbating.

-Sorry, Onee-sama.

Yumi cannot look Sachiko in the eye. It reminds her of a dream she had where she was having sex with one of her classmates, and she could not talk to the girl for a week. And they were on cleaning duty together. It was pure hell.

-It must have been a nice thought, to make you smile like that.

There is a teasing note in Sachiko's voice that brings Yumi's gaze back to her. She laughs through her blush.

-It was OK. What were you asking?

Sachiko smiles back, the distinct look of mischief still there, but she declines to pursue it. Yumi sends mental thanks to her, knowing this is not forgotten, merely put on hold. Yumi does not mind, but she cannot take the tease right now, not when she is holding herself from grinding in her seat. She wonders briefly if Sei is free for lunch...

-I asked you if you would like to come to my villa? Stay for a week or so?

Yumi's immediate response is undiluted joy. She had no clue that Sachiko would want to spend that much time alone with her. Yumi, who adores her Onee-sama, is over the moon. They will finally get the chance to talk, with no interruptions. Fate is smiling upon her.

-I'd love too.

-Wonderful. Is there anyone you need to check with?

The 'anyone' in obvious.

-I may see her today, but I don't think it will be a problem.

-I would like to check also. Then we can make arrangements.

Yumi wonders at Sachiko wanting to check with Sei, but her heart is pounding with excitement, so she does not think about it too long. She reaches for her bag, and slips out the phone that Sei gave her last Christmas, and mails her, asking her if she is free for lunch today. Sei mails her back, saying her services are available at such short notice, but it is going to cost her a fortune. Yumi mails back saying she will share her pocky sticks, but asking for more is pure extortion. Sei replies that Yumi drives a hard bargain, but she will come see her anyway. Yumi chuckles, and puts the phone back.

-Yumi?

-Yes, Onee-sama?

-Make sure no one else sees your phone. The Yamayurikai are meant to lead by example.

-It's on silent.

-Besides the point.

-Yes, Onee-sama.

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They decide to finish up for the time being. Yumi gives her summary and recommendations for several clubs to Sachiko and Rei. Yumi is often hesitant to give this kind of work to Shimako, under the idea that she does not want to over-burden her. She hopes that Shimako does not think that Yumi does not trust her. Of course, she could just ask Shimako, and find out if Shimako, as Rosa Gigantea, is ready for this work. There is a sense of protectiveness in Yumi in regards to the girl however, and it holds her back from bringing it up. Sachiko will know what to do, Yumi decides, as she tidies up around the room. Yoshino and Rei are the first to leave, after checking to see if they are required after school. They are, so it is a _see you later_. Yumi picks up cups and brings them to the sink, while Sachiko and Shimako sort out more piles of paperwork for after school. Noriko is there, washing up. Yumi gets a tea towel and helps out. When she found out about Yumi's relationship to Shimako's Onee-sama, she began looking at Yumi differently. Yumi can feel a conversation coming, but is waiting for Noriko to work up the courage. Noriko has met Sei, and while Yumi does not know the details of the meeting, Sei seemed to like Noriko, probably a lot more than Noriko likes Sei. Unfortunately, Noriko will not get the chance to get to know Sei the way the rest of them do.

Noriko does not carry the same issues as Sei, or if she does, she copes better. Her intensity is of a quieter sort, but staunch. She is a fresh page in the Yamayurikai, and has a lot to catch up on. But she is self-assured and confident, and Yumi likes that about her. And she loves Shimako, which makes Yumi like her even more. She _is_ jealous of Sei's ongoing place in Shimako's heart, and then she found out that Yumi and Sei are in a relationship. Yumi can only imagine what is going on in Noriko's head. After meeting Sei, Noriko, who did not know at that point that Yumi and Sei are involved, had said to Yumi that she did not get the attraction. That she did not get what Shimako would see in Sei. Yumi, finding this quite funny, did not have the inclination to explain Sei to anyone, decided she would leave that to Shimako. Instead, she was flippant, having discovered, via Noriko and Touko, the joy of playing with her juniors. She had said that Sei is very good looking, though. She will often say this over the years when questioned about her relationship with Sei. It was easier that going into details. And because Sei is beautiful, it gets left at that. Of course, people who know that both of them would not ask anyway, but it is fun to say this to Noriko. Later, she will say the same thing to Touko, who will know Yumi well by then, and roll her eyes at this answer. In part, it is not a lie. Yumi's initial attraction to Sei was fuelled by Sei unusual face.

Noriko snorted, and then looked thoughtful. She was quiet for a few moments. They had been standing by an open window in the meeting room of the Rose Mansion, while they took a break from what they were doing. Yumi watched Noriko gaze without seeing at the grounds of her new school. Eventually, Noriko admitted that yes, Sei is beautiful, and that she has a certain something that could be considered...Charismatic? Yumi had huffed a little laugh at this, and Noriko had smiled at her, and looked slightly embarrassed. She then turned serious, and asked, is that enough to be Shimako's Onee-sama? Is that what her Onee-sama is like? Yumi felt bad for her. It is true, to the uninitiated, Sei can be somewhat overwhelming. Sei had also deliberately gone to see Shimako's choice, and instead of arranging something more formal, had taken it into her head one day to go and find Noriko. Typical Sei. Maybe Yumi should do a bit of explaining after all, because Noriko looked nonplussed, and clearly was looking at Shimako slightly differently. Yumi had said that Sei is not obvious, and has a good heart, and no, her looks were not the reason why Shimako chose to be her petite soeur. If that was the case, Shimako would not have turned down Sachiko.

Noriko had snapped her head around to Yumi at this news. That was the first she had heard of that, apparently. Yumi had smiled gently, and said that if she wanted to hear any more, she was going to have to ask her Onee-sama, because that was not Yumi's story to tell. Should Shimako's petite soeur ask her, the petite soeur that Shimako seems be head over heels for, then she will tell her. Noriko had asked Yumi if it was any of her business, to ask such questions. Yumi replied that if it worries Noriko, Shimako will know anyway, and she will worry too. Yumi gave into her urge to pet Noriko's shiny black hair. Noriko had smiled at the touch, and did not seem to mind. Just be Noriko, Yumi had said then, thinking this to be the most reasonable answer to Noriko's concerns. Noriko did not look entirely convinced, but she agreed all the same. Noriko thanked her for listening to her, and Yumi had waved away her thanks, reluctantly taking her hand from the smooth loveliness of Noriko's hair. Yumi had gone back to work, and Noriko had made her tea.

Much to Yumi's surprise, her advice had been followed, and the next time she and Noriko had been alone, it was clear that Shimako had filled her petite soeur in on everything. Noriko had apologised for everything she said about Sei, but had wondered why Yumi had not mentioned it. Yumi had said that she did not take what Noriko said, which could hardly be considered insulting anyway, personally. Besides, the conversation had been about Noriko, not Yumi. Noriko, who is usually very self-contained, had some questions hovering in her eyes. In fact, one could say that Noriko was nearly bursting with curiosity, in her own way. She did not voice those questions then, not quite finding the courage, even with Yumi. And she has yet to find the courage in the subsequent weeks. But that curiosity has not gone anywhere, if Noriko's occasional penetrating gaze is anything to go by. But Yumi will not be the one to open it up.

-Are you meeting Sei-sama today?

Noriko asks her quietly, the running water hiding her words. Noriko knows that she is, but this is her way to break the ice.

-I am.

Yumi replies, just as quietly.

-Could you pass on my regards?

Yumi smiles. She recognises that Noriko is coming to some reconciliation with her inner conflict in connection with Sei. While nobody else would understand why Yumi finds it important for Noriko to be at peace with Sei's presence, both real and remembered, in the current crop of the Yamayurikai, Yumi knows the stretch and shadow of an Onee-sama, especially one who is so hard to understand. One of her reasons, it must be said, that Yumi wants Touko, is because she is a relation of Sachiko's, and the two of them have known each other since they were quite young. Touko was jealous and insecure about Sachiko's attachment to Yumi, not understanding what Sachiko sees in Yumi. Her offence was genteel, as befitting a relation of Ogasawara Sachiko, but it was still pointed, still sharp. Sachiko had left Yumi to defend herself. It had stung at the time, even if she understood why she was left alone. Subsequent events are proving that it is a good thing to be left to court Touko in her own way. Personally, Yumi thinks that Sachiko is just glad that she is looking into getting a petite soeur, and that it is not Kanako. Yumi, like Sachiko, is a forgiver, and knows the stance that Sachiko has to take on the matter, so Touko does not come up in their conversations much. But Sachiko is very fond of Touko, and that is still something that Yumi takes into consideration. Yumi understands Noriko. There is a hand on her shoulder. She turns to see Sachiko with their bags.

-Walk out with me?

Sachiko asks. Bowing her good bye to Noriko and winking at her, she takes her bag from Sachiko, and they say goodbye to the White Rose family, descend the stairs and break out into the sunshine. They are early for the lunch time bell, so they have an extra fifteen minutes or so. Another perk of being in the Yamayurikai. They will still have to catch up on their studies, but they get to have a more flexible timetable because of the amount of work that is left for them. Their next big event is the Sports Festival, and although the serious work for that will not start until after their vacation, they are already fielding a lot of requests for permission for this and that, as people start gearing up for it. Yumi walks through the heat of the midday beside Sachiko. They take their time, heading in the general direction of Maria-sama. Yumi enjoys the quietness of the grounds while most people are still in class. It is so hot, that Yumi wishes she could change her uniform, or have a cold shower, anything really. Despite being a fan of Summer, there are days, especially in Tokyo, when it is too much. And there is little to be done about it. At least in Winter, it is easier to banish the cold. Put on a jumper, turn up the heat, cuddle up to someone.

-Do you want to invite Sei?

Sachiko knocks Yumi out of her thoughts. _Where did that come from?_

-She has a lot of seminars and meetings, at least for the week you are thinking of going.

Yumi wonders at the suggestion, and of all the things Sachiko could have said, she would never guess that.

-You could invite two or three people, if you like. Yuuki, perhaps, or that girl you're on good terms with...The girl with the camera?

-Tsutako-san.

Yumi answers automatically, not quite following what Sachiko is getting at. Yumi stops walking, and Sachiko goes forward a few steps before she realises that Yumi is not with her. Yumi goes right ahead, and says what immediately comes to mind with Sachiko's suggestion.

-Are you afraid to be alone with me?

Yumi says this in a low voice that manages to carry through the heat. Sachiko turns to her.

-If I was afraid, I wouldn't ask you.

-Yes, you would.

Sachiko quirks an eyebrow at Yumi.

-You know me well.

She is smiling as she says this.

-Yes, I do.

Yumi, however, is not smiling back at Sachiko. She knows Sachiko very well. As Sachiko knows her. Very well.

-Believe it or not, I'm more concerned about you. You might get bored. The villa is very secluded. Also...

Sachiko looks uncomfortable. Yumi raises her eyebrows to encourage Sachiko to finish her thought.

-Sei.

-What about Sei?

-She may not like the two of us spending a whole week alone together.

-Then why ask me to?

-Because I want to spend time with you.

There is an edge to Sachiko's voice. There is a frustration there that Yumi can understand. But her sympathy for Sachiko is a little thin, because of the excuses Sachiko keeps making. Yumi has been making noises, not at all unknown to Sei, that she wants to spend more time with Sachiko. Maybe Sachiko feels like she cannot take time away from Yumi outside of school because of Sei. Although Sei and Sachiko rarely see each other, Sei is a huge part, naturally enough, of Yumi's life, and Sachiko is very aware of the background presence of the former Rosa.

-Then spend time with me. You're the one who breaks dates and won't spend a Sunday with me. I've asked often enough.

This conversation is starting to sound very familiar to Yumi. And watching the expressions change like the seasons on Sachiko's face, she realises a few other things as well. Like that the amount of lunch time meetings have gone up since Sei left. And after school meetings seem to be taking longer, especially on Saturdays. In fact...

Ah.

Yumi remembers when she heard these words before. It was the same day she had her conversation with Youko. Everybody had been in the Rose Mansion that day, for whatever reason, so Youko could not make good on her promise to use Yumi as a prop. At least not then. Though she managed to get some good shots in on graduation day itself, as they got their photographs taken. At one point and another, as Yumi moved around the meeting room, she had managed to let Sei and Sachiko know she wanted to see them, together. Both of her seniors had looked surprised at the request, but agreed none the less. So when Yumi went to collect the newly minted diplomas from the main administrative office in the school, Sei and Sachiko accompanied her. When they were a sufficient distance from the Mansion, Yumi cut to the chase.

-What are you two up to?

She asked, walking between the two of them.

-Whatever do you mean, Yumi?

Sachiko was the first to answer. Yumi looked at her, and saw genuine puzzlement creasing her refined features. Yumi turned to Sei, who just looked back at her, her face unreadable, and yet, as Yumi peered closer, she detected the hint of a smile.

-Sei.

Yumi warned, because she knew, because it had become increasingly hard for Sei to hide anything from her. The tone she used was the one she very rarely uses, and she knows she sounds like her mother when she does. Sei, to her credit and Yumi's annoyance, held out with a straight face. But Yumi knew what she had seen, and knew without doubt her hunch had been correct. She looked back to Sachiko, who witnessed the nearly wordless exchange between them, and obviously knows that Yumi has an idea what is going on. And Sachiko does not have the poker face that Sei does.

-You're time sharing me.

She directed this at Sachiko, who will crumble before Sei does. She began to feel the first stirrings of anger, and does not bother to hide it.

-We sure are.

It was Sei who answered instead, taking the heat off Sachiko. Yumi looked back at Sei, and she stopped walking, and felt a bit dizzy. Sei stopped also, and stood before Yumi, and explained the rules of their time sharing plan.

-Sachiko gets you for the first two morning of the week if you have spent the weekend with me. Then we alternate until Saturday. Lunch times are decided by what you want to do.

-I actually didn't want to be right about this. You really thought this out.

-We did. But there's more.

-Are you enjoying this?

Yumi asked, looking into Sei's eyes.

-No, I'm not, but you asked, so I'm going to tell you everything. The aforementioned rules exclude girlfriend privileges. Those are as immutable as god's law.

-Girlfriend privileges.

Yumi repeats weakly, shocked by the amount of thought put into it. Although, it was Sei and Sachiko who came up with this, so should the level of detail really be that shocking?

-After Sei graduates, I get to spend time with you in school, and Sei gets to spend time with you outside of school.

Sachiko added, and confirmed her compliance in this.

-With the exception of girlfriend privileges, which are dictated by Yumi.

Sei was very clear on this point, over Yumi's head and directed to Sachiko.

-Of course.

Sachiko conceded. Was that facetiousness, Yumi heard in her tone?

-And what about me?

Yumi asked, seriously put out. Yumi rarely loses her temper. She is not irritable by nature. A bit snappish and cranky around her period, but angry? Rarely. But at that moment, it was a burn in her stomach, and her head hurt from the implications of what they just said.

-This is all about you.

Sei said, taking a step toward Yumi. Yumi put up her hand to halt Sei. She went to take a step back from her, but found she physically could not take another step, she was so upset. That was a lie, as far as Yumi was concerned. They might not have know it, but it was. Yumi kept her voice low, even though it was a struggle, but she did not want to draw attention to them. The last thing they needed was a rumour.

-No, it's not. This has nothing to do with me.

Both of her important women looked at her. There must have been a particular look on her face, which is basically an open book, because the two of them suddenly looked very uncomfortable.

-Well-

Sei began, but Yumi cut her off, not interested in her reasons right then.

-Am I a toy?

Yumi waited for an answer. None was forthcoming, and both of them suddenly found the scenery very interesting. At another time, Yumi would have found their similar reactions very funny. But not that day. That day, she was extremely annoyed.

-That was not a rhetorical question. Feel free to answer at any time.

And still, there was no response from either of them.

-All right, let me rephrase that. Am I a child?

That managed to prompt some reaction from them. They both shook their heads.

-So, establishing that I am not a child, and the jury is still out on whether I am a toy or not, the two of you decided, all by yourselves, to do this, thinking I would not find out?

Yumi found the whole thing incredibly disrespectful. Only kids would come up something like that, and consider it reasonable. And neither of these women were kids.

-Sei, I love you. I really do. But your 'girlfriend privileges'-

Yumi air quoted there, and condescendingly let her upset be known.

-Are revoked. Honestly Sei. I expected more from you. You're my girlfriend, and this is your idea of fair? And Onee-sama?

Sachiko almost snapped to attention.

-How could you go along with this?

-I wanted to spend more time with you.

-Then just do. You don't have to check with Sei if you can.

-Why not?

Sei stepped back in. After the initial shock of losing her 'girlfriend privileges', she looked annoyed by what Yumi just said.

-What do you mean?

Yumi looked at Sei, and used a tone of voice that to anyone would have meant danger. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sachiko move away slightly.

-Don't answer my question with a question.

-I wouldn't, except your question only invites more questions. Why should my Onee-sama ask you for permission to spend time with me?

Yumi was pissed. She knew why, but she wanted Sei to have the guts to say it, since neither of them had the guts to include her in planning out her time, and had neatly side stepped her altogether.

-You know why.

-Do I?

-Yumi.

Sachiko clearly did not like where this was headed, so she decided to interject. On who's behalf, Yumi is still not sure.

-I'm all right with this.

She mumbled when Yumi took her gaze away from Sei and with the same intensity, drilled into Sachiko. Onee-sama mumbled. That was a first.

-Oh? Well, that's nice. I'm glad that you're all right with this, Sachiko.

Yumi snapped her gaze back to Sei.

-But I'm not.

Yumi was very hurt by Sei's actions. That she kept this from her, instead of just talking to her about it. More of that, _I'm older, so I'll take care of everything,_ attitude that Yumi was beginning to get very tired of.

-Yumi, I wouldn't care if this was anybody else, but it's Sachiko, and it's different.

Sei was not going to try and placate Yumi. She was digging her heels in, and almost seemed to be accusing Yumi of being the unreasonable one. That made Yumi madder.

-How?

Sei had met Yumi's angry gaze head on, not flinching, and not backing down.

-Because we had sex with her, and you both still have feelings for each other.

Sachiko looked like she just got slapped in the face, and Yumi could guess she looked much the same. To hear that so baldly put, in such a place, had surprised her more than she thought it would. She asked for it though. She is adult enough to understand that. Yumi did not waver from Sei. They were locked on, and only making love would match the intensity of what they fired at each other in that moment.

-They are different feelings. She is my Onee-sama, and I though I made my feelings clear on this?

Yumi managed to grate out. Smooth as silk, Sei answered her.

-You did. But I feel better if there are boundaries set down in regards to her. You're not exactly objective when it comes to her. As you said, she is your Onee-sama.

She turned from Yumi, the contact finally broken between them, and Yumi felt as if she might fall down.

-Sachiko, sorry for talking about you as if you're not here.

Yumi snapped out of it, and realised that is exactly what they were doing.

-Yes, sorry Onee-sama.

She was genuine in her apology, and she saw that Sachiko accepted that.

-We didn't want to worry you.

Finally Sachiko said something. She stepped closer to Yumi.

-There were other reasons. You said it yourself, that when you take the lid off a jar, it never fits properly again.

-You said that?

Sei interrupted. Her face showed surprise, and unfortunately, anything Sei said or did at that point would only annoy Yumi further.

-And?

Yumi was not in a mood to be distracted.

-It's clever. That's all.

-I _am_ clever. Why are you always surprised by that?

The expression that crossed Sei's face took the wind out of Yumi's sails. She suddenly felt very tired. Sei was very hurt by that, and she did not bother to hide it. And Yumi was now very tired. Her self-righteousness felt petty and mean, and she felt like an idiot. But still, she held on to the bitter end, because she was not happy about the whole situation.

-I'm not going to pretend I don't know why you feel you have to do this.

Yumi spoke to both of them, but declined to look at either of them. She instead looked up at the sky, and studied the way the clouds formed recognisable pattens, the few that were there. She understood the whole buffer zone theory, and why they felt they had to put one in place. But she felt that it had gone too far. It was important to all of them, yet they chose to leave her out of it. She did not care if it was perceived by them to be in Yumi's best interests. She felt dismissed by them. And used, some how.

-But if I'm old enough to have sex with, then I am old enough to be consulted about the fact the two of you need to put space between you.

She lowered her gaze, and bowed to her seniors.

-Excuse me, but I have to collect the diplomas.

She had left them then, and they had the good sense to let her go. Her revoking of Sei's girlfriend privileges lasted the rest of the day. Sei had been waiting for her after school, and Yumi could not stay angry at her. While she did not excuse herself, or say that she and Sachiko would stop what they were doing, she had apologised for it. And it had been heartfelt and sincere. It worked because by the time Sei found her, she was no longer angry, in general. But she had expected more from Sei, and her feelings were hurt. It had taken her a while to forgive them for it, even when Sachiko apologised also, the next day. She had been so surprised by Onee-sama, going along with something like that, but the meticulous planning and smooth execution had Sachiko stamped all over it. In fact, thinking about it now, she would not be surprised if it had been Sachiko's idea in the first place. Actually, thinking about it now, standing in front of Maria-sama with Sachiko, she never got confirmation from either of them about it. She decides now is the time to ask the questions she was too upset to ask in March.

-You came up with the whole time share thing?

Of course Sachiko did. It had to be her idea, and Sei let Yumi think it was her. This brings up thoughts that she refuses to deal with right now. Sachiko nods.

-It made sense. I didn't want to lose you. I still don't.

Yumi feels a flicker of that old anger, before she crushes it.

-You won't. You won't lose me. And you still don't have to ask Sei's permission. I don't, so you don't either.

-Sei is a very kind person, Yumi. I don't want to take advantage of her.

-You're not!

-No? How do you think she is going to feel when you tell her that I want you to spend a week alone with me, hours away from Tokyo? And that you want to? She won't refuse, because she can't.

-And yet you can arrange lunch time meetings and extend the after school ones, especially on a Saturday. How is that not taking advantage?

-That's not the same thing. That is merely exploiting the rules of...

Suddenly, Sachiko stops talking. Just as suddenly, Yumi realises that they really are still doing it. She had unwittingly set a trap, and Sachiko had walked right into it. She starts laughing.

-Are you serious?

-I think we are straying off topic.

Sachiko, her face showing mild annoyance at Yumi's perhaps inappropriate laughter, but really, Yumi thinks, how can she not laugh? Of course, she never asked if they were still dividing her up. She just assumed that because she had called them on to it, they would stop doing it. They had not, they had carried on anyway, and Yumi finds it in her to find that quite funny.

-Fine, fine. Then, by all means, explain the point of this topic to me, Onee-sama.

-All right. Sei is your girlfriend. The three of us have a complicated history, not to mention some ongoing issues, and if I were in her position, I think I would be worried. I think her permission is not only polite, but necessary.

And that is the closest Sachiko has come to discussing what is going on with them. She knows.

-But there's-

-I know.

Sachiko stops her quickly.

-I know, Yumi.

Yumi immediately feels bad for pushing it, but she is running on instinct here. Sei, except for a couple of mentions, does not talk about it. Sachiko, never. And it sits there in her.

-I know.

Sachiko repeats. Yumi goes to her.

-I understand.

Yumi says, reaching out to hold Sachiko's hand. Her heart goes out to her Onee-sama. There is something that they need to fix, if they can, and they both know it, and this is as close as they can get to saying it.

-Do you? Do you really?

Sachiko asks in a low voice, her eyes full of the need to be understood, for Yumi to not think badly of her. Yumi wants to tell her that she does not. She has never thought badly of Sachiko, or Sachiko's love for her.

-Do you want to meet Sei with me?

Sachiko visibly blanches, and then quickly recovers.

-You may feel better if you do.

Yumi encourages, running her thumb over Sachiko's knuckles. They hear the bell cry out the brief taste of freedom, known as lunch time, as Yumi watches the internal debate that Sachiko is not bothering to hide. Not that she ever had the poker face that Sei is capable of, but the natural arrangement of Sachiko's features lend themselves to a kind of glacial indifference. Which is why seeing her smile and laugh is a revelation. Yumi is not sure if she believes in god. She is not sure if there is any such thing as an 'intelligent designer'. She prays out of habit, and as she has gotten older, she is developing the sneaking suspicion that when she prays, she is talking to herself. So when Sachiko finally makes up her mind and smiles at Yumi, a genuine, loving smile, Yumi thinks that if there is an intelligent designer over looking this creation, then it took its time with Sachiko's smile. And speaking of god enjoying his work, a familiar figure is coming toward them. Yumi throws out a quick word of thanks to the universe, covering her bases as it were, that she can have the body of the woman who is on her way. Yumi, who is usually thankful for Sei's presence in her life for more that her body, is horny, and hopes that the universe understands that.

Sei's sprightly step immediately makes Yumi smile. Her long legs in the tight jeans that Sei is so fond of and Yumi would never have the confidence to wear, leave little to the imagination, and Yumi always wants to touch Sei when she sees her in them. _Lets face it_, Yumi thinks ruefully, _I would grope Sei in a bin bag_. Her mind briefly flashes to Sunday, before she shakes her head to disrupt that line of thought.

-I take it Sei is here?

Sachiko says, still smiling and on the verge of laughing. Despite their serious words of earlier, Yumi is very glad she can have this affect on Sachiko.

-How do you know?

-You're blushing and smiling at someone, and it's not me.

-Onee-sama...

And Sei is here, her new and slightly weird haircut shouting the influence Harajuku is having on her. Actually, Yumi does not know what is inspiring this particular style, but she likes to tease Sei about it, asking her what anime character she is, and so forth. Even Yumi's mother had passed comment on it, commending Sei in expressing herself, then ending with the killer phrase: 'while you're young, I suppose'. Sei, who had been sitting in the Fukuzawa living room at the time, had genuinely not understood why at least two members of the Yumi's family found it so funny. Then Yuuki came down the stairs and asked Sei what anime character she was, and Yumi had to leave the room.

-Sa-chan, good to see you.

Sei greets Sachiko with her usual effusiveness.

-Sei-sama, are you well?

Sachiko answers with more restraint and a polite bow. Sei bows back.

-When will you just call me Sei?

-Probably never.

Sachiko says back, a hint of humour in her voice, eyeing Sei's haircut.

-Yumi.

Sei acknowledges, her tone lower, her attention zeroing in on her. Yumi's gaze crawls up Sei's body, and thinks that she has not seen Sei in days, and she wants to kiss her. When she finally meets Sei's eyes, her knees feel weak. That is when she hears a little cough from Sachiko and she snaps out of it, ignoring Sei's knowing smile.

-You never said what anime character you are.

She says to break the tension that is growing. If Sachiko's smile is becoming more common, her outright laughter is still so rare as to stop people in their tracks.

-Cheeky pups, the pair of you. You know nothing of fashion or art.

Sei is feigning hurt feelings. Yumi turns to Sachiko.

-Sei has been letting the neighbour experiment on her, and he's a serious otaku.

-He's a fully qualified hairstylist!

Sei defends herself and the neighbour.

-Who called you a shoujo prince. And you let him near you with scissors.

Sachiko is finding it hard to breathe at this point. Yumi and Sei look at each other and smile as she bends down to catch her breath. It is quite the feat, on par with an Olympic medal, to make Sachiko laugh like this.

-Hey, what if he saw Rei?

Sei asks, laughter bubbling through her. Sachiko, who is recovering, starts again. Yumi laughs.

-He would question his reality.

Yumi says.

-He'd ask her out.

Sei returns. Their young voices echo across the grounds, which is filling now with students going about the business of lunch. Their laughter carries on the Summer afternoon, fluttering away, lost in time, melding with the universe, that may or may not have an intelligent designer that took its time with certain young women. The laughter eventually tapers off, leaving them chatty and giggly. Yumi likes these times, when they leave the shadow of the feelings that exist between the three of them when they are together. She feels pretty bad that she is going to sour this mood. They walk out onto the grass, and amble to a bench. They sit down, Yumi naturally in the middle.

-So.

She begins, feeling Sachiko tense up beside her.

-So.

Sei says, still smiling, but Yumi can guess that she knows that if Sachiko is here, something is going to come under discussion. Yumi is also smiling, because Sei is, and that is the kind of affect Sei has on her.

-I guess getting my-

-Don't say it or so help me god, I'll do something drastic.

Sachiko makes a very unlady-like snort. Yumi turns on her.

-And you-

Yumi is starting to laugh again, and struggles to get the words out.

-It's your fault that she came up with that, so take responsibility.

Sachiko holds up her hands in surrender.

-My apologies.

Sachiko pulls herself together. Yumi marvels at the thought that a few months ago, they could not have sat here like this. She never thought she would laugh at this. But things have changed. Their lives are changing, even as they sit here.

-You're both here to greet me, and as much as I appreciate the welcome party, I have a feeling you want to talk about something.

Sei brings them back to the reason why they are sitting here together, instead of just Yumi and Sei spending some quality time exploring the idea of 'girlfriend privileges'. Sei is sitting back on the bench, one arm stretching out behind Yumi, the other propping her up on the arm rest. She crosses her legs, and looks expectantly from face to face. She looks so fresh and inviting, that Yumi has to use an ugly amount of will power not to just crawl into her lap. It has been a long few days.

-We do want to talk about something.

Yumi generously opens the conversation, allowing Sachiko some time to adjust.

-Oh?

Sei looks slightly suspicious, her good mood not gone, but definitely slipping away. Sachiko leans around Yumi and takes the reigns.

-I wanted to ask and be sure, either way. I would like Yumi to spend the week with me in my villa. What are your feelings on this?

Yumi can see Sei take a moment. Yumi could say any number of things here, but she does not. As far as what concerns her, she is free to go. Sei does not consult with her on many things. Point: her haircut. Point: the weekend she went away with college friends. No, Sei did not ask Yumi's permission, she just apologised for her not spending that weekend with her, and went. So Yumi feels no obligation to ask Sei if she can go anywhere. And no, Yumi does not care if it is with Sachiko. And neither should Sei. Oh, yes, there is some unfinished business, still some strong emotions under the surface, but these things do not have to be acted upon.

-Will you be alone?

Sei asks finally.

-Apart from two caretakers, yes.

-Separate bedrooms?

-Of course.

-Please stop.

Yumi interjects.

-You're doing it again. Working out terms of ownership as if I'm a car.

-Would you rather we do this by ourselves?

Sei asks. She is picking, Yumi can hear it in her tone.

-I'd rather you didn't do it at all, to be honest.

-Well, we are, because I don't like you being alone with her for so long.

-When did you get so jealous, Sei? So suspicious?

-Since March.

The answer comes so quickly, that Yumi knows that Sei has asked herself the same questions.

-Since we're not together every day.

Yumi is not quite sure what to say to this, because she can understand why Sei feels the way she does. Putting herself in Sei's position, if it had been the other way around, would she feel OK with Sei spending time with someone she knows is in love with her? Sei leans around Yumi.

-I'm sorry, Sachiko. I want it to be innocent, and I don't want it to be this way...

-But it is.

Sachiko finishes the thought. They share a moment, the two of them, and this is definitely a Yumi-free zone. Or it is so full of Yumi, that it goes without saying.

-Yumi?

Sachiko finally turns to Yumi, drawing her attention. Yumi gives it to her because of her tone of voice. Onee-sama is about to explain something difficult. There is a particular tone that Yumi has only ever heard in relation to her, and is used when Sachiko thinks Yumi is possibly being unreasonable about some matter, or, for some some unaccountable reason, stubborn. Yumi is not sure when Sachiko picked up this particular tactic, but she has to admit it is effective. Yumi does not respond to anger well. Or confrontation. For instance, when she confronted Sachiko and Sei the first time about just this, she gave up after a while. Yumi can very much be at the mercy of her emotions, and no matter how she matures in some areas, in this arena, there seems to be certain reactions hard wired into her, as much as she tries not to give into it. And that is why this tone, this gentle, _prepare yourself_ tone only Sachiko's silky voice could possibly pull off with any conviction, moves her the way it does. Sachiko knows her very well.

-This is something we need to do, Sei-sama and I. I know you don't like it, but it is not going to change until I graduate, and then, we will work out something else.

When Sachiko stops to draw breath, Yumi quickly says what is on her mind.

-You're right, I don't like it. It sounds very much like the adults are talking, so wait-

-No, Yumi.

Sachiko puts her hand on Yumi's shoulder, and presses the tips of her fingers into the muscle. Yumi, like a kitten, stills. Another thing she seems to have no control over.

-No, it's nothing like that. But this is a unique situation for all of us, and we don't have any previous experience to fall back on, or anyone to ask for advice. So this is what we arrived at. It was as fair as we could make it.

Yumi is being won over. It still annoys her. Yet these particular women, possessing their keen intellects and deep emotions, their bond of the Yamayurikai, and of course, the whole reason in the first place, Yumi herself, came to a logical way of dealing with this set of circumstances. Of dealing with the fact that they both love the same girl, and the girl in question knows about it and chose one over the other, and yet, she is still so close to the both of them. Then they all had sex together, which in some ways, marginally improved the situation, and in others, made it worse. It is as logical as love and desire can make it. As logical as teenagers can make it. And still, Yumi does not like it. She cannot make herself accept it fully.

-Yumi, we don't know what else to do.

There is a plaintive tone in Sei's voice, another tone that pulls at Yumi's conscience. She sits back, and her other shoulder brushes Sei's arm, still stretched out behind her. Another voice she feels quite helpless to ignore, even if she wanted to. Sei moves her hand, and cups the back of Yumi's neck, and Yumi turns to look at her. Her girlfriend. Her lover. Sei's face is open and she is trying very hard to hide nothing from Yumi.

-We never spoke, you and I, after that argument in March. Honestly, I was afraid to bring it up. You accepted my apology, and I let it go instead of having a conversation about it. I was just relieved and happy that you seemed to get over it.

-But you kept it up, all this time.

-Yeah, we did. You never asked again, so I never mentioned it. But Yumi, this keeps me from getting even more jealous. I trust Sachiko to keep her promise that I'm the only one to sleep with you. That I come first, and she won't push you for more. But we love you Yumi, and we both need time with you. We had to decide what to do about that.

-How about trusting me?

Yumi's tone matches Sei's. Her feelings are very close to being hurt again, and she cannot hide it.

-I do, Yumi.

-But...

-But look what happened the first time.

-But that doesn't mean it will happen again.

-You see, intellectually, I know that, but another part of me can't help but worry.

Sachiko squeezes Yumi's shoulder to get her attention and draw herself back into the conversation. Yumi breaks eye contact with Sei to take it up with Sachiko.

-I'm not going to ask anything of you Yumi, except your company. I have missed you, missed spending time with you when school is not in the way.

Sachiko leans forward, and speaks to Sei.

-You have my word, that Yumi is safe with me.

-All it takes is a moment of weakness.

Yumi says quietly, surprising all of them. She reaches out her hand, and rests it on Sei's thigh.

-That's what you're thinking, isn't it? Because of what happened before. Because I said that we would probably be always more than friends.

Yumi feels the surprise in Sachiko transmit through her shoulder. There is a brief clamping of her hand, and then it relaxes again.

-It's because she is Sachiko, and your Onee-sama, and you do love her. I can recall that we went over this before.

-We did, Sei, we did. And we are now going over it again. You are an Onee-sama. Are you going to tell me that because you limited your interaction with Shimako, it was platonic? What about you and your Onee-sama? What about the whole soeur system, while we're a it?

Yumi turns to Sachiko, leaving Sei to think about that. Yumi never told Sei about the conversation with Shimako on the day of her graduation. There is nothing platonic about these relationships. Yumi thinks of Shimako again, and the very tactile and close nature of her relationship with Noriko. She has no idea if they would go further than they are at now. She cannot see it, personally, but it is romantic. And she knows how much time they spend together outside of school. She thinks of Shimako and Rosa Canina. That was a very genteel, very subtle cat-fight over Sei, which Sei had been oblivious to. At least, until Rosa Canina finally confessed to Sei. And then Sei had kissed her. It was not much of a kiss, but it was still a kiss, and Sei had known exactly what she was doing when she did it. Yumi had seen it and had felt a strange twinge in her stomach. This was before she and Sei had gotten involved, but some part of her had already decided that it wanted Sei, and Yumi had not had the presence of mind at that point to realise what it was. But it was not too long after that when she did, that it was more than just liking Sei's face. Yumi shakes herself out of the past. Meeting Sachiko's eyes.

-You don't need to promise that. Trust yourself and me. My relationship with Sei is in a different place now, as is ours. I know sometimes it's hard, considering what we shared.

Yumi has the unique and dubious privilege of watching Sachiko, actually seeing it, when she retreats back from the whole conversation. She will make the appropriate sounds at the appropriate times, but Sachiko has gone into her thoughts. That withdrawal is just there, the moment at which it happens. It is startling.

-But it's not everything that we share.

Yumi finishes, a little weakly, feeling now is not the time to chase Sachiko. They need to be alone to do that, with no ready escape for Sachiko. She knows Sachiko can hear her, and is taking it all in. But until the Sachiko brain has a chance to process, it will be a while before she responds. Yumi, who is reminiscing a lot today, remembers again Sei saying they might have been cruel, and now Yumi can see her fingerprints all over the scene. Yumi is not confident that she can fix this, yet she is willing to try. And that is partly why the three of them are sitting here.

-Sei?

Sei, who has been watching the entire exchange, runs her fingers into Yumi's hair. It is a comforting touch, and for some reason, Yumi does not expect it. But she welcomes it.

-Is it OK for me to spend the week with Onee-sama, alone, in separate bedrooms, chaperoned by two caretakers? If Sachiko still wants to?

-Of course I still want to.

Sachiko answers first, squeezing Yumi's shoulder again for emphasis. Yumi turns her face from Sei and smiles at Sachiko, liking that she is back. Not all the way, judging from the slightly dreamy expression that still lingers on her face, but enough to be clear on this. Yumi directs her attention back to Sei, who's face is still open, still gentle, still the Sei that Yumi has come to love the most. Yumi loves all of Sei's sides, even the more abrasive one, but this is definitely her favourite. Thoughtful, wise Sei. Sei who is showing just how big her heart is.

-I'm not making fun of this. I really am asking you. It's important.

Yumi capitulates. She means it. She wants to spend time with Sachiko, but she will never be able to do that without Sei worrying. While their relationship has moved into another phase, they are not at that point yet. Yumi cannot say, with any confidence, if they will get to that point any time soon. She feels sad that she is the cause of the conditions that these two women have put in place in order to deal with each other, and with her. It grieves her. But she reasons that they need to test it. Yumi has to suck it up, and deal with the fact that they are doing this, and are going to continue doing this. So, they need to test it, until Sei, at least, can feel easier about Yumi and Sachiko spending time together. So Sachiko can learn to trust herself, and they can let go of the past. Yumi includes herself in this also. Too much of today was spent in the past.

Sachiko's current way of dealing with whatever is going on with her is withdrawal, and it really does worry Yumi, so she has been regurgitating and analysing her past, looking for clues to help her now. Her earlier annoyance at Sachiko for breaking their date spurring her on to dig that bit deeper, to turn over her thoughts like interesting pebbles found on a beach, looking and looking, wondering and wondering. To ask why Sachiko kept putting off their date, why does she want to spend a whole week alone with her now, and why she looks at her that way when they quarrel. And Yumi wonders if it is something she is doing wrong, still. Is she hurting Sachiko? Is she hurting Sei? Does she trust herself?

-Then I'm OK with it.

Sei says eventually. She is not entirely happy with it, but until they can all get to that place where they can be mostly worry-free, until enough uneventful time rolls on, they will not, until someone is brave. And that someone right now, is Sei. Maybe her thoughts are in accord with Yumi's. The more they get to know each other, the more Yumi is discovering that their general thoughts, while coming from very different perspectives, are usually along the same lines. It has made for some very interesting pillow talk.

-Your word that you trust me?

Yumi is serious, even as Sei smiles at the formality of the request.

-Yes, Yumi-chan. My word. On my honour. It will be a lonely week. I think this will be the first time I'll have to go a whole week without seeing you, since when?

-Last Summer vacation. I went to my Grandma's. But we were not...

-That's right. Even then, my little heart...

-Quiet you, you big liar.

-Mine did.

Sachiko says quietly. Yumi turns quickly to her.

-Really?

Yumi inquires, genuinely curious.

-I missed you.

Yumi eyes Sachiko. Sachiko will say no more, however, she has said enough. Enough that the other women sitting beside her know that her feelings for Yumi are not gone. This is Sachiko's way of admitting that. Even if it is not the right time for such an admission. But that is Sachiko. When certain thoughts and emotions are close to the surface, she connects them together, and then puts voice to them. It is true, that Yumi had missed her too, and that she misses her now. That last Summer was the first time since they became soeurs that they had spent so much time apart. Unsure what to say to Sachiko now, in this situation, Yumi goes with the first thing that comes to mind.

-I missed you too.

She smiles at Sachiko, and then turns to Sei.

-And I'll miss you for an entire week.

-How will you survive?

-Send me off with a Sei care package?

Sei's eyes light up at the prospect.

-What an interesting proposal. Speaking of which, where are my pockies?

Yumi starts laughing and reaches for her bag.

-I'll walk you to the gate and give them to you then.

This is the signal that Yumi wants to speak to Sei alone. The three of them stand up and Sei does something very rare. She reaches over Yumi, and grasps Sachiko's shoulder. Sachiko's face registers the same surprise that Yumi feels at the action. Yumi looks up into Sei's face, but Sei is not looking at her. Her attention at this moment is all for Sachiko. Except for that afternoon, Yumi cannot remember Sei ever touching Sachiko. Evidently, neither can Sachiko. Sei's eyes are boring into Sachiko. It is clear that Sei wants to say something, but for once, she cannot put words to what she is feeling. Looking at Sei, she can see a lot going on in that intense regard. She can see that Sei is not entirely sure what to do. Sachiko smiles gently at Sei, and covers Sei's hand with her own. Sei smiles back at her, and then takes back her hand. Yumi finds it touching, even if its rarity renders it odd. She has seen them do something similar a few times before, and she leaves them alone with it. Like Sei said earlier, they are in the dark as to how to deal with this situation. Although they never say it, she can surmise that they often experience the same confusion she does.

Sometimes, when Yumi is with the both of them, which is increasingly rare since Sei left, she often gets lost in their relationship to each other. They have silent conversations like this one, and Yumi knows that it is about her, and nothing to do with her at the same time. She feels responsible for this new found seriousness between them. They like each other just fine, but now a wariness stalks their interactions. Yumi thinks this is not only because they both love her. She thinks it is because she dropped them into a very unusual confrontation. Not for the first time, not even the first time today, Yumi thinks she made a mistake. And not for the first time, Yumi feels guilty. She had not until Sei used the word 'cruel'. Caught between the two of them again now, she thinks that she is right to feel guilty. Not for loving Sei, or in another way, loving Sachiko, but for forcing two people who have no interest in each other that way to share something so intensely personal. At these times, when she cringes at the accusations that her own mind throws at her, she honestly does not know where to turn. They could have said no, as Sei has also pointed out. This does not really make her feel any better, only slightly less responsible. But it was her idea. And therefore, her fault. Yet, who could have foreseen any of this? From the day she started high school, she could never have seen any of this coming.

Sachiko breaks this tableaux by wishing Sei a good day, and saying to Yumi that she will see her later. Yumi says the same back and watches Sachiko's graceful departure. She looks back to Sei, who is also watching Sachiko walk away. Yumi places her hand on Sei's belly to get her attention. Sei looks down, and Yumi asks a question with her eyes. Sei shakes her head, smiling ruefully.

-For the first time since we started going out, Yumi, I wanted to apologise to Sachiko.

-Sometimes, this is very hard.

Yumi says quietly, agreeing with the sentiments that Sei is expressing, if not with wording. Her gaze slips down to where her hand is on Sei, and feels such a morass of emotion, she feels nearly nothing. Sei pulls Yumi into a hug, pressing them close together. Yumi can smell Sei's light sweat, and a faint hint of her deodorant. Pressing her cheek against Sei's shoulder, she can feel the heat of Sei's skin through the thin material of her tee-shirt. She feels the 'thereness' of Sei; the vital, concrete presence of this woman in her life. Clinging to Sei a little more, she moves her hand from Sei's belly to slip her arm around Sei's waist. She wishes she could sink into Sei and just stay there. At times, she does not know where she finishes and Sei starts. Sometimes, this scares her. Sometimes, it is incredibly comforting. It is a definite infringement on her independence, and yet again, she does not care, that this is the most natural thing in the world. She decides that being needy is not always a bad thing.

-Yumi, I believe you have something for me?

Yumi smiles at Sei lifting the mood. She lifts the arm that is responsible for her bag, and looks at her watch. A birthday present from her parents.

-I have about twenty minutes to give you that something.

-Fukuzawa-san, you lewd thing!

Yumi laughs against Sei's shoulder.

-Well, if you don't want it...

-I do, I do!

They break apart smiling at each other. Sei slings her bag over her shoulder and they turn, their steps taking them to their familiar path to the greenhouse, their mutual excitement quickening their steps. As they get further from the school, they reach out their hands to each other. As they touch, electricity shoots through Yumi. She is filling up with desire. She so sensitive, that she can feel her bra rubbing against her stiff nipples, the dampness in her underwear from earlier reasserting itself as they hurry toward the greenhouse. She is tightening and loosening simultaneously. She turns her head to Sei as they walk and the only description fitting to what she sees in her eyes is 'smouldering'. Yumi smiles inwardly, as she thinks that is a word/concept she has only read in novels before. She had no idea, until she began her relationship with Sei, that another person's desire could be so evident. Had no idea, that one look from another could make her want to take off all her clothes, and be _so_ happy to do so. When Sei looks at her that way, there is no escape from Sei's intentions, no way to stop the excitement rising in her to match Sei's. And no reason why she would want to. No reason to apply the breaks. Looking at Sei as they reach the greenhouse, as she fumbles the door open, she thinks there is no reason in the whole wide world why she would want to rein in this passion.

Sei already has her arms around Yumi before they get inside. Pushing gently, Sei gets them in and kicks the door shut behind them. They drop their bags and are on each other, as if it has been weeks instead of days since they saw each other. The heat is unbelievable in the greenhouse, and the sweat from the day increases on them as their movements focus into what they are looking for. In this heat, they meet, and start a conflagration that roars silently through them. Yumi's hands drop to Sei's belt and quickly unbuckles it, and with a deftness born of experience, she flicks open the buttons of her fly. Tugging at the close fitting jeans, Yumi briefly and fervently wishes that Sei would wear skirts once in a while. Sei tugs at Yumi's tie until it opens, and quickly unzips the top of her uniform, as they practically dance toward the back of the greenhouse, twisting around around each other as their passion dictates, their mouths never leaving each other, their tongues deep inside each other. Yumi finally feels the bench against her backside as Sei pushes down her light Summer uniform. Yumi slips onto the bench, parting her legs to wrap them around Sei's and pull her in. Sei drops her hands to Yumi's skirt and pulls it up, and pushes it out of the way, and Yumi can feel the rough material of Sei's jeans against her inner thighs, and it makes her squeeze her legs tighter, loving the feel of them.

Yumi reaches under the back of Sei's tee-shirt and digs her nails into Sei's shoulders, and drags her nails down the length of her back, causing Sei to break the kiss and rear up, hissing through her teeth and shivering. Sei's hands are on her hips, and there is a wicked grin on her full lips that matches the look in her eyes, which is a serious joy, a lusty, wild joy, that Yumi can feel in herself. Sei pulls her closer, forcing her legs wider. Yumi leans back and tilts her pelvis up, to meet the familiar sharp thrusts of Sei, the bucking, rubbing gorgeousness, the sensation of which Yumi can feel in the small of her back, and makes her moan Sei's name. She raises her legs until her legs are around Sei's hips, and makes another attempt at pushing at Sei's jeans. Sei's mouth is back on hers, and she is pushing Yumi back, pressing her further back with her body, until the shelf of the greenhouse window is biting into her back. Yumi starts sliding to the side to get more comfortable, not wanting anything to distract her from Sei's friction. Sei slides with her until they are lying on the bench, not caring what way they end up as long as it does not stop them, does not part them. Sei braces herself on the bench, and presses her full weight against Yumi, her groin still moving against Yumi's. Yumi slides her hands into the back of Sei's jeans, over the smooth skin of Sei's buttocks, and tries distractedly and ineffectively to push down the jeans.

They are fully on the bench now, the roughness of it against Yumi's bare back, the hardness of it pushing the clasp of her bra into her. Breaking the kiss, she breathlessly whispers to Sei, and Sei motions her forward so she can undo Yumi's bra. Yumi takes her hands out of Sei's jeans and wraps her arms around Sei's shoulders. Sei kisses her again, one of her hands finding Yumi's breast as the bra loosens, the other is now cupping the back of Yumi's neck, and as they heat up even more, she spasmodically squeezes it, her long fingers Yumi can feel near her throat, her thumb under her ear. Sei's fingers on her breast find her nipple, and Yumi bucks up against Sei, her legs trying to get Sei even closer. Yumi takes Sei's hand from her breast, and guides it down to her thigh, a none too subtle indicator that she wants something specific, because, just like when they were in school together, time is not their friend. She lets go of Sei's hand, and goes back to her assault on Sei's jeans, struggling with the tight fit even on Sei's slim hips. She just wants to feel Sei against her. _Is that so much to ask?_ Yumi curses current fashion and sweat for thwarting her endeavours. Sei's constant motion is not helping, but then, she feels Sei's fingers massaging her through her panties, and she suddenly does not care.

She stills at the feeling of Sei's hand on her. She breaks the kiss, to look into Sei's eyes. She lets go of the jeans to bring her hands up to Sei's face, to cradle that face in her hands. She brushes Sei's bangs back from her damp face, gasping as Sei pushes at her. The vivid smell of the greenhouse, the heat causing the smell of the soil and myriad flowers to soak into the air, the smell of life and earth. Her body, young and healthy, is thrumming with the same life she can smell all around her. Somewhere, Sei's tee-shirt rode up along with Yumi's uniform, and she can feel her lover's flat belly, slick with sweat, stuck to her own. Can feel her own sweat trickle through her hair, sprawling on a bench in a greenhouse, with Sei's face in her hands. Yumi can feel her lust and happiness like a physical thing, like the sweat on her skin, like the feel of Sei's jeans against her sensitive thighs. Like her reflection in Sei's grey eyes, eyes that look molten, full of love and lust, and everything in between, just for her.

Yumi opens her mouth to say something, not sure what. _I love you, _maybe, or:_ I love this with you_. Or perhaps she wants to beg. Perhaps she want to say: _do it_, or: _take me_, or: _please_. Yumi says none of these things. Sei knows. She pushes aside Yumi's underwear, and easily enters her, sliding fast and deep into Yumi. Yumi cries out her relief and hunger, releasing Sei's face and sliding her arms around her shoulders, arching off the bench, pulling Sei to her. The profound sense of fulfilment of Sei moving inside her. With Sei on top of her, her familiar weight and smell, moving and thrusting, her eyes on hers, Yumi has never felt so close to another human being. Nothing she has done, not even that crazy, amazing day with Sachiko, can compare to what it feels like to look into Sei's eyes as they make love. She is deeply moved by this connection.

She might get scared by life with Sei. She may feel like she is suddenly doing very responsible and grown up things, like attempting to build a life with the person that she loves. Sometimes she feels like her life is slipping out of her control. As she experiences shock waves of pleasure rippling through her body from Sei's pounding rhythm, the creaking of the bench they are on, and their cries, Sei's matching hers, fill the glass house, the scent of roses thick in the air that Yumi is breathing, her strong heart shunting in her chest, she comes, crying out to something, as Sei once again, signs her name across Yumi's body in indelible, invisible ink. And Yumi feels it, sinking into her, wrapping around her ribcage, tendrils reaching for her heart, and that part that will never show up on an x-ray, the part that is a belief, an idea, some call it a soul, and Yumi thinks of it as herself, and she thinks: _I don't care. I love you, and I don't care what happens next, as long as I can have you. _

Unbeknownst to herself, she had lifted up off the bench, and now finds herself collapsing against it, pulling Sei with her, the two girls heaving against each other. Sei eases her fingers out of Yumi, and rests her hand on Yumi's hip. Yumi once again has to endure that sense of loss. Though Sei is right here, catching her breath, kissing Yumi's neck, whispering her love in between kisses, the fact that part of Sei's body is not longer in hers, causes a momentary spasm of unease. It gets shorter as time goes on, yet is not completely gone. While on the topic of things factual, Yumi never gets enough of Sei. Even now, she can feel the burn of desire twining through her still, and her hands are moving on Sei as she feels it, as Sei continues to kiss her and talk to her. Yumi is aware that she is intoxicated with the physical fact of Sei, that she can writhe against Sei for hours, never tiring of the sensation of Sei's skin on hers. The facts of the small, secret pleasures of physical intimacy, that she and Sei are leaning and discovering together. The feel of a smile on the nape of a neck; the warmth of a leg slung across a belly on a cold night; the comfort of another on waking from a bad dream, even if that other is still asleep; the once strange but now familiar weight of an arm across a waist as sleep descends. These things and a hundred more Yumi could name, these things that she believes could only happen with this woman who is loving her with her lips and words, who is smiling and kissing her at the same time. Yumi manages to capture Sei's mouth, and kiss her back, putting all the fervour of her youth and love into this kiss, with it saying: _I love you, please believe me. I love you, you make me the happiest, please believe me_. She squeezes Sei even closer to her, her smile as wide as Sei's.

-How come when I want to give you something, I usually end up being on the receiving end?

Yumi whispers to Sei, happily complaining.

-Because you can't get my pants off quick enough?

Sei whispers back.

-And who wears such tight pants? Getting in my way?

-You said that you liked them!

-I do...But...

Yumi unwraps her arms and legs from around Sei, and reaches for the pants in question. She tugs at them to emphasise her point.

-Sometimes, I wish you would wear a skirt.

Sei laughs into Yumi's neck, her breath tickling her.

-Miss me in my uniform, hmmmm?

Sei laughs again, her breath now hot in Yumi's ear.

-At a time like this I do. Though...

Yumi pauses and Sei makes a prompting noise.

-...I miss going to school with you. I miss you in the Rose Mansion. In know you're only next door, and I see you most weekends, but still...

Yumi tapers off, wanting to say something, but unsure what. Sei snuggles her face against Yumi's, affectionately nuzzling her.

-I miss it too. I prefer Lillian college to the high school, but I miss seeing your face everyday. It wouldn't be right for me to keep coming over everyday, though.

-I know. I just miss you when I don't see you.

Yumi strokes Sei's hair. Kissing her cheek, Sei pushes up from Yumi, and with some slight awkwardness, she puts her feet on the ground and stands up. Yumi sits up, and fastens her bra, adjusting it until it is comfortable, then swings her legs off the bench to face Sei, who is doing up her fly, talking about how she does not want Yumi to blame her for getting detention. Yumi reaches out her hand, and with a sureness that takes Sei by surprise, she undoes Sei's work. Glancing at her watch, Yumi smiles up at her.

-We still have time. And there is something that has been on my mind all morning.

She slips off the bench and puts her arms around Sei's waist. She stands on tip toe and kisses Sei. Manoeuvring her around, Yumi pushes Sei against the bench. She lifts Sei's tee-shirt out of her way, and leaving Sei's mouth, kisses her way across Sei's cleavage. She pushes at the tee-shirt, hoping it will stay out of her way, then drops her hands to curl them onto the waistband of Sei's jeans. She will not be defeated this time. She kisses her way down Sei's body, using her own body weight to force the jeans to obey her. The tee-shirt stays in place over Sei's breasts through a combination of sweat and prayers. She gives the jeans a determined yank, and smiles her triumph against Sei's sternum as she feels them pass Sei's hips. Slowly sinking to her knees, using her tongue to trace a path down Sei's body, she manages to push her pants down to her ankles. She is facing Sei's groin, and she pushes her nose there, feeling the heat of Sei through her underwear. Running her hands up Sei's calves, over her knees, up her thighs to her hips, she pulls Sei's panties down. She forces herself to slow her movements. Her own excitement is causing her hands to shake.

She looks up at Sei, who is watching her with that particular attention that Yumi is still not used to. When Yumi makes love to Sei this way, Sei carefully watches her, as if she is seeing Yumi do this for the first time. That look contains so many things. Surprise is nearly always present. Lust of course. But something else as well. Yumi gets the impression that Sei cannot quite believe what she is seeing or feeling. It reminds her of the first time she went to Sei's house. Sei said it then, that she could not believe that Yumi was there, sitting in her kitchen, drinking tea. The timbre of her voice at the time suggested that Sei was afraid she would wake up.

She keeps her eyes on Sei's, and she leans into her pubic hair, smelling Sei, the faint trace of sweat, Sei's excitement, strong from her activities, the heat, her jeans. Yumi slips out her tongue, and licks Sei's tumescent clitoris. The response from Sei is immediate, as it is every time Yumi does this. It is one of the reasons Yumi loves doing it. She discovered over the months that this is Sei's Very Favourite Thing, though she is shy to ask for it. Sei groans out Yumi's name, throwing her head back, her hands clenching on the bench, drawing her body taut. Yumi marvels at Sei's body as she takes her clitoris in her mouth, licking and sucking, her hands on Sei's thighs, feeling the long muscles there tightening and loosening under her touch. Sei is making a sound that Yumi only hears when she does this. It sounds like she is melting, as she twitches her hips, pushing her groin insistently against Yumi's mouth. _Harder_, this movement says, _make me come_.

And Yumi does. She puts more force into it, her tongue knowing the contours of this place, knowing just the spot. She wants to touch herself as she feels Sei's wetness increase, coating her chin and lips. She spreads her knees further apart, one of her hands falling to Sei's knee. The urge to reach under her uniform becoming unbearable as she feels Sei about to come. Yumi wants to come with her, but she does not want the distraction from what she is doing. The feeling is almost painful. The feeling is driving her slightly mad. She slips her fingers into Sei, loving the feel of the heated wet flesh against her own, and it is enough to push Sei over the edge. She comes against Yumi's mouth, incoherent sounds of pleasure that could have been torn out of her, echoing in the glass confines of where they learned to define their relationship.

Leaving her fingers in Sei, Yumi stands up, sliding up Sei's sweating body, dragging her nails up Sei's thigh as she goes. Moving her skirt out of the way, she presses herself against Sei's thigh, moaning with each shift of her pelvis. Sei's hands are on her hips under her uniform, pulling at her panties, pushing them down. Their lips meet in a hard wanton kiss. There is no gentleness in this. It is wild and delirious. Sei starts sliding down, falling to her knees, bringing Yumi with her. Yumi pulls out of Sei, who breaks this rough kiss. Sei pushes her onto her back and finishes pulling off her underwear. Pushing her skirt out of the way, she spreads Yumi's legs, gazing at Yumi's openness. Yumi can only describe Sei's expressive eyes as predatory, feeling that is too harsh, but unable to come up with a word closer to it. Yumi's lungs suddenly feel empty. Her heart is beating so hard in her chest she can feel it in her ears. She reaches for Sei and grabs a fistful of her tee-shirt. If she is prey, then she wants to be caught. She pulls Sei on top of her. Sei falls forward onto her hands, and slams her groin into Yumi's. Yumi cries out at the sensation, the vibration of which she feels all the way up her spine to her skull. Sei begins a hard fast scrubbing against her centre, both of them moaning at the contact. Yumi barely has time to catch her breath between the heat of the greenhouse and the heat they are creating between them. Being on the floor, she is closer to the smell of earth. The memory of one morning about a month ago flits through her mind, as Sei nudges her head to the side so she can kiss her neck.

Summer was really starting to make itself known, and Yumi woke up early, needing to go to the bathroom. Sei's bedroom was stifling even at that hour. She had gone and come back, and when she returned to the room, she was hit by the smell. They were both having their period, and the smell was thick in the air, the smell of their bodies doing what female bodies do. It had reminded Yumi of the fields she had played in near her Grandma's house when her family visited during the Summer. The smell of earth, of rich, ripe things. The smell made her think of sex, of growing things. Made her long for things she could not put a name to. There was nothing offensive about the smell. It was familiar and comforting. A powerful sense of nostalgia came with the smell, but for what, she could not say. She had slipped back into bed, and despite the heat, she had tucked herself up against Sei. She was sleeping on her stomach, and Yumi laid her head on Sei's back. She listened to the older girl breathing, thinking her Yumi thoughts about connections between seemingly random things. Sei's nearly naked body was clammy from the heat, and her underwear damp with sweat. She lay there for a long time, wondering at this evocative smell, and why it should be evocative for her, while Sei slumbered on, her heart steady in her chest, her breathing even. Another secret thing Yumi had uncovered.

All this and more passes lightening quick through her mind at the smell of earth, the smell of their sweat, their sex. She hears herself begging Sei to enter her again, to make Yumi hers again. Other words, the secret ones, the ones that will never pass her lips, are brimming in her. Words, that even at the height of passion, she will not say. Cruder ones, ones she surprises herself for even thinking. But at times like this, when she feels she wants to tear at Sei, wants her rough and fast, another shocking thing she discovered about herself, and the fact that Sei did not find it weird when Yumi admitted it to her, that sometimes, she wants Sei to be rough with her. At times like this, with all control is utterly cast aside, when her body demands satiety and completion of an act that it set up all by itself, Yumi finds she wants to say these things, she wants to give voice to this feeling, this feeling of wildness. She wants to indulge in the more animal side of their coupling. This is as far as she can go, grinding on the greenhouse floor.

Then Sei is in her, and she is another who has given up trying to hold anything back, because it is too late for those sorts of feelings. Sei is all body and drive now, her emotions have shut down, and like Yumi, she is working toward her release. Yumi can feel it in her thrusts. Yumi can feel the tension building in her, and she wants to bite at Sei, scratch her. She wants to say the words that are sitting in her mind now, and will be gone afterwards. One could not call what they are doing now love making, or even sex. Yumi knows what to call it, knows the word to describe what they are doing, that is fuelled by their love for each other, the trust that they have, but right now, those things are remote and romantic, and do not matter. What they are doing is fucking on the greenhouse floor, and Yumi loves it. And she could only do this with Sei. This is one type of freedom she has with Sei, her Sei, the Sei she belongs to. Sei urges Yumi to touch her, and Yumi reaches her hand in between them, and finding Sei, slips her fingers into her, the palm of her hand against Sei's clit. They are a tangle of limbs and bunched up clothing, sweating and moaning and loving in the time allotted to them during Yumi's lunch break from school.

Yumi twists her free hand into Sei's hair and drags her to her mouth, where ready lips open to each other. Sei breaks the kiss as quickly as it starts as her quivering body gives out, and she falls down onto her forearm, her face near the top of Yumi's head. By her cries, she is nearly there. Yumi can feel the jerky shuddering of her that signals Sei's orgasm. She moves with Sei, holding onto her hair, thrusting into her, the weird angle causing a distant ache in her arm. She moves her pelvis in time to Sei's thrusts into her that are becoming irregular. She concentrates on her own centre, feeling that bubble of tension stretch and stretch and then burst with one particularly hard thrust from Sei, who comes seconds before her. Yumi cries out her pleasure, still moving in Sei, not wanting to stop, wanting to have Sei inside her for as long as possible, because this is Yumi's Very Favourite Thing. The feel of Satou Sei on top of her, between her legs. The weight of her, the feel of her inside of Yumi, as they buck and moan in this place, as Sei collapses onto her, as Yumi goes slack under her in her repletion.

They are quiet as the catch their breath, which is loud and jagged in the sudden quietness. Sei blows out a hard breath.

-How are we doing for time?

She asks breathlessly. Yumi lets go of Sei's hair, and languidly lifts her arm. She tells Sei that they have a few minutes before the warning bell. Gently, Sei takes her fingers out of Yumi, and Yumi does the same with Sei.

-God...That was good.

Sei says, before rolling off Yumi. Yumi giggles, feeling stunned from the sex. She is experiencing an exquisite exhaustion. Between the emotional conversation earlier on, and that amazing sex, she feels leaden.

-I don't want to move. Actually...

Yumi finally says, running a quick inventory of herself.

-...I'm not sure I can.

They lie on their backs next to each other, gazing up at the roof. Yumi feels dazed and torpid, and she could not care less about school.

-Well, we better assess the damage.

Sei says, sitting up with effort, then wincing, she lies back down. Yumi laughs, watching Sei pull up her jeans, button and belt them in that position. She finally stands up, looking a little wobbly. She turns and grins down at Yumi, who stretches up her hands for help, and she ends up not helping at all, merely angling her toes against Sei's boots, and allowing Sei to do all the actual lifting. When she gets upright, she promptly falls against Sei as her knees buckle. Sei catches her under her arms.

-Are you OK? Yumi?

Sei is holding her up, the worry in her voice evident and immediate.

-That was really good.

Yumi sighs against Sei's shoulder. Sei chuckles, her relief as obvious as her worry.

-Can you stand on your own?

Yumi sighs again, and then locks her knees.

-Let's find out.

Yumi laughs and leans back. They hear the warning bell sound, and it galvanises them into action. Yumi slips her arms into the sleeves of her uniform. As she zips up and knots her tie, Sei does her best to brush her off and get the wrinkles out of her sailor collar, then bending down quickly to retrieve Yumi's underwear. Making a face, Yumi slips them back on as Sei grabs their bags and they hustle out of the greenhouse.

-You're going to have to run for it.

Sei says, laughing as Yumi starts a fast and unsteady walk.

-I am. Want to spend Sunday together? Oh! Noriko says hi.

-And hello to Noriko! Of course, I want to see you on Saturday as well. I have to give you your care package.

Yumi laughs, walking backwards away from Sei.

-I love you!

She calls to Sei, turning and braking into a run, tucking her bag under her arm. She hears Sei call it back to her. She runs, grinning madly, hoping against hope that the teacher is late back from lunch. As she runs, she begins to feel the consequences of that fantastic encounter. Her vagina is letting her know it, and reminds her that she will be sitting for the next few hours. Yumi laughs aloud as she flies into the hall where the shoe racks are, noting that she is not the only one running late. She changes her shoes quickly, and risks a reprimand by running to her classroom. The god of school girls is awake today, and is hearing Yumi's hastily thrown out prayers, because as she is easing into her chair, and leaning slightly to one side, the teacher, late, comes into the classroom.

The week passes without any drama. Classes, Rose Mansion, Sei stopping by on Saturday to pick her up from school. She spends the weekend lazing around with Sei, drinking Sei's tasty tea, talking and making love. It was the beginning of her vacation, and she was in no particular hurry to do anything. She bought flowers for the balcony, with promises to plant them when she comes back from Sachiko's villa. All Sei has to do is keep them alive until then. True to her word, Sei provides Yumi with a care package, consisting of one of her tee-shirts, twenty packets of assorted pocky sticks, and a photograph of the two of them. Yumi laughs when she opens the elaborately wrapped box when she gets home on a Sunday night. She made fun of Sei when she presented it with much aplomb in the car outside of Yumi's house. Yumi had been joking of course, about a Sei care package, but Sei, in a fit of sentimentality, had run with it. And Yumi was touched by the gesture.

After Sei had come in for a while to say hello to Yumi's parents and have tea, who have come to think of Yumi's senior as very much a part of the family, considering how much time their daughter spends in her company. Yumi's mother often remarks that she has not even met Yumi's actual Onee-sama, and yet they know Sei so well. Yumi had pointed out that Sachiko leads a very busy life, but no doubt, she will be able to introduce them at some stage. Sometimes, Yumi's mother asks some very probing questions about Yumi's 'best friend'. Yumi, who is as good at handling her mother as she is Sachiko, usually evades these questions with sincere sounding platitudes. It worries Yumi, however, who has no intention of revealing the exact nature of her relationship with Satou Sei any time soon. Yet, the more time they spend together, building this life together, the harder it is getting to hide it.

It is the small things, she considers now, sitting on her bed in the wake of Sei's passionate departure, the very pretty box sitting open on her lap as she leans against her headboard. She smiles, picking up the tee-shirt and holding it to her face. It is the tee-shirt Sei wears the most. The emergency red is fading to pink, the material is thin and soft, the band logo is coming off in bits and pieces. It was the tee-shirt Sei was wearing yesterday, so the smell of her sweat is still detectable, somewhat stale, but very much Sei. As she holds it to her cheek, she muses on the small things that are going to catch them out one of these days.

The way they speak to each other is a dead give away if they do not watch themselves. They make references to things they do together, and it sounds...Domestic. Couply. Their near constant flirty bantering is something that has caused a raised eyebrow or two, especially from her mother. Her mother, who is no fool, would roll her eyes and say: 'girls'. But if her mother has any real suspicions, she is keeping them to herself. Except for the odd question, which seem to be asked more out of curiosity than any real sense of concern and if there are hidden meanings in them, Yumi has no idea what they are. Yumi sighs into the tee-shirt, reaching to pick up the photograph. This is the one Youko took at Sei's official house warming, which Youko came all the way from college for, much to everyone's surprised delight. Sachiko, who had come too, was very happy to see her Onee-sama. Youko had spent most of the night with her Chinensis Family, actually. Sachiko had missed her terribly. It was as obvious to Yumi as the moon in the sky.

Youko took many pictures of everyone, including this one of Sei and Yumi, sitting on the floor together, outside Sei's bedroom. They looked relaxed and happy. Sei was wearing this same tee-shirt and her Lillian track shorts that she wears at home. Her hand is on Yumi's thigh, and Yumi never noticed at the time. She remembers the night now, and when that picture was taken. Just out of shot is Yoshino, who was teasing Shimako about something, what she cannot recall now, but Shimako had been in the mood to give back some of what she was getting, causing Yumi to fall back laughing against Sei. She does remember Youko calling their names, and they had looked up at the same instant, laughing into Youko's camera. There are other pictures of them together, including the few that Tsutako-san had discreetly taken for them at Sei's graduation. This particular picture usually lives on the fridge with others of that night that Youko had sent a few days later. Youko is old school in some ways, liking real photos, refusing to use a digital camera, so she had sent a packet of pictures. There was a lovely and hilarious one of Sachiko, and Yumi thinks that Yoshino might have borrowed Youko's camera at some point, gazing in wonder at Sei's very small bathroom, clearly unsure what to make of it. Yumi smiles ruefully at the memory, as Sachiko had mentioned quietly in the kitchen that there appeared to be two toothbrushes in the bathroom. Yumi, not wanting to make a big deal out of it, even if the question was asked out of concern, had asked back: how else was she supposed to brush her teeth? It had been a bit cheeky, but she had wanted to put an end to the discussion that had no reason to take place there and then. At another time, Yumi would have been keen to get into this with Sachiko, but unfortunately, it was just not the time.

But her presence in the apartment had been noted by more than one person. It was after that evening that Yoshino started dropping hints that she wanted to be a bridesmaid. Sei had been occupying the apartment for about two months by that time, and when Sei gave everyone the tour, there was a lot of evidence of Yumi. Clothes, toiletries. The usual things, and yes, two toothbrushes in the bathroom. The table they both use for school work, which had been converted for food bearing purposes, still held their books and stationary, hastily pushed to one end. Books that Sei would have no reason to still have. The Yamayurikai knew about them. There was no way they could not know about them. They just never spoke about it. But there was no getting away from it in the apartment, not when any where one cared to look, there was something of Yumi's.

Other than Sachiko and a passing comment from Eriko, Youko had been the only one to actually say anything about it. Youko had gone to the balcony, and asked Yumi to come with her and point out some landmarks. As they enjoyed the evening breeze, and Yumi pointed out shrines and universities, Youko had said in passing that her and Sei seemed serious. Just as casually, Yumi had agreed, that yes, they were serious. Then Youko had asked the question that had been gnawing at Yumi also. Was Yumi-chan all right with that? Yumi had been as honest as she could be at that time. She had answered that it was new. New and fast. Youko had put her arm around Yumi. Yumi had taken advantage of Youko's words a few months ago, the gist of which was that older girls like to spoil younger ones, and cuddled her grande soeur. She had put both her arms around Youko's slim waist, and rested her head on Youko's shoulder. Yumi had taken another breath of Youko's perfume, the same one she had worn in high school.

She told Youko that she was OK with it, that she was happy with Sei and Sei was happy with her. Youko seemed to accept that, resting her cheek on the top of Yumi's head. Youko had then asked if Sachiko had mentioned anything about it? Yumi replied that they do not really talk about it, and that she wished they would. But she either got no where when she tried to bring it up, or it was not the right time. Youko said that sometimes force, or no possibility of escape, can be the only options left with Sachiko. Then Eriko had come out to join them, and asked Yumi if the second year school work was any different, an oblique reference to Yumi's textbooks on the table, and possibly something else. There was no malice in the question; Eriko was interested in how Yumi was doing, and this was her way of asking. Yumi, who was always a little uneasy around Eriko, had thanked her for her interest, and told her that things were a bit tougher, but she was managing, that so far, so good. After some chit chat, she made her excuses and left Eriko and Youko to it.

She wanted to see how the 'Go' tournament was progressing. The game was a gift from Rei, who is mad about it, and very good at it. And Rei was ruling supreme, much to Sei's consternation. Sei saw Yumi and called for her. She was sitting against the wall of their bedroom, Yoshino beside her, Shimako beside Rei, Sachiko was kneeling behind Rei, and clearly wanted to test herself against the reigning champion. It was a happy, light atmosphere, with their voices raised in easy banter, and it filled the apartment. Yumi had suddenly felt very glad that she knew these people, these brilliant and unusual girls, each one burned into her heart in a significant way. Yumi had gingerly stepped over the board, apologising, and smilingly nudged Yoshino up a bit with her knees. She folded herself down beside Sei. They had both been wearing shorts, and their bare legs met. Without thought, Sei had placed a friendly hand on Yumi's thigh, and Yumi had covered it with her own hand, and had also not thought about it. One of those small, thoughtless things that scream 'couple', and one of those small, thoughtless things, Yumi thinks now, that announced them then, and will do so again.

She gazes at the photo, laughing out loud at the memories it brings. She remembers Youko and Eriko coming back at just the right moment to catch whatever it was that Shimako said that caused them all to laugh. She remembers Youko calling, and they looked up, and here is that moment in her hand. She remembers also that Rei and Sachiko played a quite thrilling game, had battled for a long time, and that Rei finally fell, a noble warrior's death, in the face of the Ogasawara shogun. The Hasekura empire was engulfed. Sei had kept up a running commentary to that affect.

Yumi knows that Sei deliberately picked this photograph for Yumi to take with her. A reminder. Written on the back, in Sei's bold slanting take on kanji is: _Put somewhere obvious!_ She laughs again. She gets up and stretches, and then goes to retrieve her small travel bag. She finds room for everything, leaving the tee-shirt out. She sleeps in that, mailing Sei goodnight, like she does every night she is not with her.

Years later, when the photos on the fridge will be replaced over the years, and Yumi and Sei will be packing up their lives in Harajuku, she will find this photo again. Her thirty year old self will look at her seventeen year old self, and then turn over the photograph to see the faded ink of Sei's message, and think back. If time travel is possible, then that is what she will do, travel to a time when this love was new, when she was a little scared of this love, this life. She will look over at Sei, now thirty-two and a rather famous writer, going about the heart breaking task of deciding what books to bring and which to leave. She will look at the picture, and back to Sei, grinning. Sei will still be gorgeous, but as she grew older, as her mind sharpened, and her edginess smoothed out just enough to give her some peace, but will still be there in sufficient quantity to keep others off balance, her handsomeness will deepen. It will achieve a timeless quality, that Yumi will still find breathtaking. She will still, truly, love looking at Satou Sei's face.

Yumi, will be a professor of Political Science, specialising in comparative international relations, with a heavy emphasis on how Japan deals with the rest of the world, will be poached by a highly respected and renowned university in the States, and that is where they will go. They will finally leave their modest apartment that they will refuse to give up even though they will be able to afford something much grander. They will stay here because they were, with the exception of a difficult few months, happy here. They will break up for a while, and then they will get back together here, they will write their first books here, and they will have many friends who spend quality time here. Yumi will hold study groups here, and Sei will often have what she called literary 'soirées' here. In less romantic language, and again from Sei when they will think about moving, and then reject the idea, this place has good juju. But they will be going on an adventure, moving onto another phase in their lives. Sei will go to the States a number of times, and when she can, Yumi will go with her. They will not find the American way of life objectionable, and they both speak excellent English. So when Yumi approaches Sei about the idea that she would like to take up the offer, Sei will not spend too long thinking about it. They will keep the apartment, as they will be coming back to Japan, for visits, and then perhaps to retire, but they are still uprooting a lot of what they own and transporting it, shaking up their lives. They will no longer be in Japan.

Yumi will walk over to her lover of fourteen years, and will crouch beside her, and admire her again. Satou Sei, who will still be Prof. Fukuzawa's Very Important Person, and show her the picture. Sei will sit back on her haunches, and laugh, taking the picture. She will flip it over, and read her own message there, that travelled through time with them.

-I forgot the walls used to be magnolia. Did you? I never asked.

Sei will say, asking if Yumi had followed her instructions. She will turn to Yumi, and Yumi will be smiling at her. Smiling in that cheeky way, that will not hide what she wants to do. She will want to make love to Sei, in this apartment, and soon. Sei will smile back, the smile that won Yumi when she was sixteen.

-I did. I put it on the mirror in my room. I looked at it several times a day. And I slept in your tee-shirt.

Yumi will wonder where that tee-shirt went. She will have vague recollections of it over the years, and then draw a blank.

-You never asked what happened during that week at all.

Yumi will lean over and kiss Sei, and they will kiss like they have not seen each other in a long time. She will push Sei with her body, pushing her onto her back, straddling her. Sei will ease her hands under Yumi's shirt and grasp her hips, to pull her down harder on her. Yumi will undo her buttons, and take off her shirt, and fling it behind her. Sei will sit up in response to seeing this much flesh, and wander Yumi's chest with her lips and tongue, reaching to unclasp Yumi's bra.

-I didn't want to ask. I was afraid to, I think. You seemed fine, and we were still together, the world hadn't ended, so I left well enough alone.

Yumi will pull at Sei's tee-shirt, another band that will be a favourite of Sei's on it, and it will be black, and will pull it off of her. Sei's arms will come back to her body to help her off with her bra, and Yumi will take Sei's face in her hands, and kiss her deeply, moving her whole body against Sei. Sei will fall back and roll them into Yumi's favourite position. Yumi will gasp and break their kiss, will love the feel of Sei through the light material of her shorts.

-Do you want to know now?

She will whisper, amongst the boxes containing their life together that they will ship ahead of them to New York. She will reach her hands down to grasp Sei's backside, still loving the feel of this dance, and not once in fourteen years, will she get tired of it. She will push down Sei's shorts, which will be, unbelievably, her Lillian track shorts, the same ones that are in the photo, which is what will make it so immediate.

-I don't know.

Sei will whisper back, lifting herself to allow Yumi to push her shorts down. Sei will not have bothered with underwear that day, and Yumi's hands will touch bare flesh, will feel those muscles she will have felt thousands of times move under Sei's skin. Sei will work the shorts off her legs, and then will kneel between Yumi's legs. She will undo Yumi's shorts, and Yumi will lift her legs to allow Sei to pull them and her underwear off, and giggle when Sei just throws them over her shoulder, and will come back to her, and they will kiss, a searing kiss, and Yumi will feel sixteen again, and this is the old greenhouse, or the Rose Mansion, or some place else on Lillian grounds, when she and an eighteen year old Sei clung to each other, pouring their lust into each other, over and over again. Sweating out their passion in hurried trysts against walls or on floors. Those wild, amazing times. Yumi will often think of those times, and blush. They were so bold! They risked being caught, again and again, and nearly were, one time. All because they had to have each other, there and then. She will blush again, when she thinks that old habits die hard. Sei will break the kiss to look at her and laugh, asking what she is blushing about.

-I was thinking if Yamamoto-san's event a couple of weeks ago.

It will be a launch party for a writer of Sei's acquaintance they will attend. Sei will have to go because they will share a publisher, and she will be, in a way, and upperclassman again. The editor who will work with both of them will suggest they get to know each other, as Sei, who will be the author of eight novels, six of which will be published in several languages, will be an old hand at navigating the world of publishing. Yamamoto Kokiko will be a smart and engaging young woman, slightly in awe of Sei, and Sei will be happy to show her support, but they will go to a number of these events, and Yumi will find them quite tedious. They will discreetly run away during yet another speech about the future of Japanese literature, and have sex in the bathroom. When they laugh over it in their apartment, Sei will roll over onto her back, and Yumi will slip her thigh in between Sei's, and feel Sei's wetness against her, exciting her madly.

-Yumi-chan! You're such a naughty thing!

Sei will laugh, sliding her hands down Yumi's back, and pull her closer, gasping at the pressure against her groin. The early afternoon sunlight will be streaming into the room, and Yumi will love the way Sei's face looks as they make love, will love the startling and wonderful mix of western and asian.

-Me? Who took who by the hand?

-And who followed?

Yumi will start laughing, as she reaches for Sei. She will twine one of her hands into Sei's hair, and her other she will allow to travel down Sei's body, which will remain trim and neat, and she will slip her fingers into Sei, and watch her eyes close as Yumi enters her, will watch her face relax, will listen to the cry that Sei will be unable to hold back. She will push into Sei, and she will love her. Love her with everything she has in her. She will moan when Sei does, sliding herself against Sei's hip. Sei will open her eyes, and look at Yumi, look at her with an intensity that will never go away, and she will hold the back of Yumi's neck, and grasp her hip, and roll her again. Taking her hand from Yumi's hip, she will enter Yumi, and Yumi will hiss at the pleasure of that. They will drive each other higher and harder. At no time in their fourteen years, will sex ever not work for them. They will not make love as often, in fact, whole weeks will pass when they just want to sleep, or cuddle, or whatever, but sex will never be a problem. Except for that one time, but Yumi will push that thought away, and kiss Sei, and they will thrust into each other, and the soft Summer breeze will graze their slick skin. As they will remove things from shelves and walls in preparation for the move, it will change the acoustics in the apartment. Their jagged breathing, their moans and cries, the sounds of their bodies meeting, will be loud in the apartment, loud in this space they will share for so long. And once again, the sound of Yumi's climax will echo through this space, followed by Sei's, as they achieve another tactile version of their love for each other.

Yumi will hold Sei close to her as they both calm down. Sei will roll onto her side, and prop her head up on her hand, and rub circles on Yumi's belly with her free hand. Yumi will let her head fall to the side, and look into Sei's grey eyes, and the intangible element of their love, the magic of it will travel between them. They will smile at each other, Yumi enjoying the soft look in Sei's eyes, the sweaty tangle of her hair.

-So, what happened? I often thought of it, especially in light of what happened after.

Yumi will know what Sei is referring to, and will not want to talk about that. It will be a closed chapter in their lives, as they could not go on without leaving it alone. But they will. It will take a long time, but they will. Yumi will not hate herself any more, and Sei long ago forgave Yumi. But that will not mean that Yumi will ever be comfortable talking about it. But she will bring her week away with Sachiko all those years ago up, bring it up now, perhaps because they are going to say good bye to Japan, to Tokyo, to Harajuku, to their friends and family. Well, at least for a while. Mostly because she will find that picture, and will want to ask Sei if she wants to know now. So much will have happened since then.

-We embraced.

-Eh?

Sei will stop rubbing Yumi's belly, and rest her hand over her bellybutton. Yumi will move her head back, her gaze on the ceiling. She will pick a spot, the light fixture, and time travel.

-The first time we were alone, really alone, none of her friends or family, the caretakers gone on errands, I went to her room to see what she wanted to do that day. Maybe she wanted to go for a walk, or maybe we could go into town.

Yumi will clearly remember that day. How Sachiko was buttoning up her pale blue summer dress when Yumi went into her room. Then out of no where, she opened her arms, and Yumi had gone to her, and they held each other for a while. Yumi will remember how much love she felt for her Onee-sama, will still feel, though it will change over the years. Especially when they will have to put some space between them for a while. But her respect and caring will never change, just the quality of her love.

-You 'embraced'? Is that a euphemism?

Yumi will look back at Sei at this point, and see that Sei is wondering of she can smile or not.

-No, no.

Yumi will answer softly.

-But we embraced. That is the best way to describe it. It was not a hug, or a cuddle. It was an embrace. She embraced me. Like a lover, like the day we all slept together.

Yumi will feel Sei suddenly become a whole lot more interested. Of all things, the memory of what they did that cold November will not fade with time. It will be as vivid to her as if it was just a week ago. She will often, over the years, wonder why she did that. Why she did what she did later, when Sachiko's grandmother died, when Sachiko got married. Then she will receive a phone call from her Onee-sama, and remember why. Or she will meet her to take Momo-chan, Sachiko and Suguru's daughter and Yumi and Sei's unofficial niece, on a trip to something edifying around Tokyo. Yumi will sometimes take Momo-chan to work with her, or Sei, who works whatever hours she feels like, will babysit. Sei, who will never develop an interest in children, yet will take delight in taking Kashiwagi Momoka to and from school, or just spending time with her. She will go to Lillian, of course.

-Did you...

-No. I would have told you. We lay on her bed, and we talked. We held each other, and Sachiko told me all that was in her heart. It had taken a lot of work to get her to that point, where she would be that open.

Yumi will sigh, and pull Sei to her, rest in the warmth of Sei, the feel of her fine skin under Yumi's hands.

-I thought we had sorted out our issues that week. But as we know, it was not quite over. We made a lot of promises to each other that we broke. It was never meant to happen, what we did, Sei.

-I know, I know. That was a long time ago, Yumi.

Sei will hold her closer, tucking Yumi's head against her chest. Yumi will sigh again, at the comfort of this action. It will be something she will always have wanted to answer people who question her about her relationship with another woman, those who will know about it, the comfort of another woman's body. The softness of her breasts, the curve of her hip. Yumi, who will never have any interest in men, and will fend off requests for dates, and on one memorable occasion, a sudden proposal from a colleague, will take that comfort of Sei's soft breasts under her face, the shelter of her arms, the subtle, supple flexing of Sei's body as she responds to her. She will think, as she has done in the past, that other women are missing out on this.

She will think that there is only one secret that she will keep from Sei. Something she will even keep from herself, except at moments like these, as she will continue to tell Sei about the week that was, thirteen years ago. Will tell her all about the things she discovered during that week, and what it still managed to lead to, and that part Sei knows about. Yumi, thirty years old, successful and happy with her life, both professional and personal, will lie on the floor of the apartment she and Sei share and think about her secret. She will think about her life with Sei, and think that she is a happy and fortunate woman, that she and Satou Sei looked at each other fourteen years ago, and wanted each other. That the life they will make will be fashioned after them: full of love and fun, and passion. And yet, there will be some part of her, some tiny part of her that will not grow up, a tiny part that will never give up and let go, that will still crave Sachiko. Even after all the time that will pass, she will still crave Sachiko's embrace.

A/N

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Anonymous (you know who you are) for always taking the time to point out some of my mistakes. This person nearly always comments, and I cannot say 'thank you' to them, so I would like to do that now. Thank you very much, Anonymous, for taking the time to read and review, and to help make me a more attentive writer. It can take me a while to fix them, but I do. After looking at the same story for so long, which is usually on its sixth or seventh draft by the time I feel comfortable enough to publish it, mistakes still manage to slip through. It's usually because I am sick of looking at it! But thank you for being good enough to help me with that.

And apologies, for those of you who have managed to make it this far, for the length of this chapter. I just kept writing and writing, and did not want to leave anything out. Also, there will probably be quite a wait for the next chapter, as real life is asserting itself for the next while, and I think I won't get a chance to write anything for a time. I have the chapter written, but it is only the rough draft, which usually ends up being very different by the second, third, fourth, etc. I will tell you that it is about Yoshino and Rei, from Yoshino's perspective. While I get nervous writing about anyone who is not Yumi, and Yumi's relationship with Sei and others, I surprised myself by really enjoying delving into Yoshino. Again, as I said in the intro to this series of stories, I do mess around with the timing of particular events, because it suits my story more. Just so you know.

Thanks again to everyone who commented, and sent private messages. Thank you to those who have been reading all along. Again, you know who you are.

All the best,

SaTT.


	6. Moments with Her

7. One's Times

5. Moments with Her

I

Yoshino is waiting for Rei to finish practice. She herself has yet to get the all clear to actually take up Kendo, but she is hoping it will be soon. For now, she waits in the Lillian dojo, near the door, her customary place since middle school. She is watching Rei, as she has done most of her life. Rei is in the 'zone'. Gone to the magic of muscle memory and concentration so deep it is like a moving meditation. Nothing exists for Rei at this time, Yoshino knows. Nothing but the kata. Nothing but the sword. Yoshino soaks up the familiarity of it. It has been a few months since the surgery, and she stretches her legs out, and feels the easy movement of air in her lungs, none of the tell-tale lack of breath. She enjoys only being peripherally aware of the beating of her own heart. She still has some fatigue, some occasional fevers, but she is recovering remarkably well. Even the doctors made comment on that. She walks faster, she has more energy. The future looks good. She watches Rei, and can feel a smile tug at the corners of her lips, which she struggles to keep hidden.

It would not do, to be seen smiling at her cousin. Because anyone would read the smile. Yoshino is aware of this. Aware of the type of smiles she can have for her cousin and best friend. And she does not wish to have anything said by the Rei groupies who are still 'auditing' the club, even this late in the year. Yoshino has special permission to be here, and has done since forever, and always wherever Rei happens to be. Rei takes Yoshino home. Rei takes Yoshino to school, and then she takes her home. Wherever Yoshino needs to go, Rei takes her. The late afternoon sunlight filters through the high set windows, falling in shafts into the dojo, picking out dust motes proliferate here, despite how often it is cleaned. Yoshino looks at them, and thinks about energy. She thinks of the energy between herself and Rei, when Rei is near her, when Yoshino's traitorous heart lets her down and it feels like Rei is beating it for her. Willing her on, cheering for her, in her own quiet Rei manner.

But this is not the case any more. For the most part, her young body is healthy, and Yoshino is chomping at the bit to start living fully. Watching the sunlight pick out the natural highlights of Rei's hair, Yoshino sighs. Their energy has changed, a singularity has been created, where the laws of their physics no longer apply. Rei's eyes are sharp and focused, intense, as they always are when she is committed to her art. Rei's mind lends itself easily to discipline, and through countless hours of her youth, she has honed herself as sharp as any blade. The Hasekura's are famous in Kendo, and Rei is full of promise. Her shoulders are broad, her body defined. Her spirit is a controlled flame. Yoshino looks at Rei, and thinks that this energy of a healthy body is becoming slightly problematic.

Yoshino looks at Rei's face. Yoshino looks at Rei's body under her gi. She admires Rei. She always has. She has looked and admired so often, wishing she could be as tall, as strong. Wishing to be Rei's equal, someone to match Rei. Above all, despite the very complicated feelings that have been rising in her toward her cousin as of late, as her body adjusts to freedom, something approaching 'protectiveness' is asserting itself in Yoshino's mind in regards to Rei. What she needs to protect Rei from, she has no idea. It is odd. Odder still, it is showing itself as possessiveness and jealousy. Yoshino feels awful about it. She wishes it could be different. The thoughtfulness and plain niceness of Rei goads her a little, so she can be mean, too. She is fiercely attached to Rei, she knows, so maybe it should not be so surprising to feel the way she does. But it is something else that makes these particular feelings so acute.

Something else has come to the fore since her chest stopped hurting, and then began to hurt in a metaphorical way. She traded one pain for another, and she is not entirely sure how she feels about it. At least having a hole in her heart, there was a chance to do something about it, but this. This is something else. Yoshino is drawn back to Rei's nowhere gaze again. Yoshino is discovering that her heart, her body, can be traitorous in other ways. Rei's handsome face is set and calm, only her eyes are giving away the fire in Rei's belly. A depth of passion that causes butterflies in Yoshino's own. The clichéd expression makes her smile to herself, but Yoshino would give a lot to have Rei look at her with that gaze, to feel the heat of it graze her skin. Which leads Yoshino to wonder when she began to find Rei so attractive. When their energy transformed into something else. Or rather, when her own energy changed. She cannot pinpoint the exact moment, and for some reason, it makes her anxious. Perhaps it has always been there, but she did not know what to call it.

She can, however, pinpoint the moment she knew what to call it, although, it would be quite a while later when it meant something. She remembers she was in Rei's extremely neat bedroom one evening, an evening like any other. They were both still in middle school, Rei in her last year, and studying quite hard to enter the high school division. Yoshino had finished her homework earlier, and was now just hanging out, spending time with someone who never told her not to. Rei's taste in reading material had always run to the romantic, stuff that to this day, with the mention of certain genres, can make Yoshino feel slightly nauseous. Rei had been going through a phase of reading shojou-ai, which Rei said was exactly the same as girl/boy, except both protagonists were in skirts, as explained upon questioning. While Rei did her homework, Yoshino had flicked through her collection, wildly curious at the time. Her interest had left her as soon as she left Rei's house and slowly walked back to her own. Now, in the dojo, in the late afternoon of a certain day of a certain month, she can say when she learned that it was possible for one girl to fall in love with another, because someone, at another certain time, had written a story about it. Had dreamed a similar dream to Yoshino's current state.

She sighs again, and shifts herself a little where she sits on the floor. Yoshino had wondered about sex. Not often. She reasons that her body was about the business of keeping her alive for so long, that a lot of the energy that is preoccupying her thoughts was redirected to other parts, to do other work. She had rarely gotten excited over boys, the few she knows, or other girls, the few she really knows. She feels a little sad at the thought. She flicks that thought away almost as soon as it occurs to her. Thoughts of loneliness, sadness, are seeds on a barren ground. Yoshino allows them no purchase, no tendril will reach into her. Not now, not any more, because her body is definitely on the mend. No more hospitals, no more playing cards with the nurses, no more mah-jong with the ladies in the geriatric ward, which is ironically placed near paediatrics. No more sleepless, lonely nights, listening to other girls sleep, while she stares at the ceiling, wondering when she is going to die, only the thought of Rei stopping her just short of actually wishing for death. Wishing for the end of this interminable waiting. Nope. She is alive. And her body is entering its spring, and making up for lost time. It is waking up, and the energy in directing itself into all the places that sixteen year old girls usually find their energy flowing. Into thoughts of love. Into thoughts of sex. And for Yoshino, Rei is a focus of these springtime feelings of a healthy body.

Yoshino looks at Rei's hands on her shinai. Yoshino has always held Rei's hand. Looking at them now, Yoshino feels that nervous jump, low in her belly. This is new, too. Rei, of all people, makes her nervous. Rei is always tactile with Yoshino. Generous with her personal space. From the time they were little, Rei was Yoshino's to hold onto. According to their mothers, Yoshino learned to walk holding onto Rei. It is a sweet story. So now Yoshino is uncomfortable, as she feels herself move even further into Rei's life, pressing even closer to her. Clinging again, like the toddler she was, except this is different. This has a less straight forward motive. This is definitely not so pure. She watches Rei move, her strong hands flexing on the shinai, notices the small beads of sweat trickling down the side of her face, that the roots of her short hair are now dark with that sweat. Yoshino looks at her, and feels that liquid feeling between her legs, a melting feeling, like something is relaxing in her. She knows what to call this feeling also. This very human, very real, very healthy reaction of one body to another. She keeps watching Rei, watching her sweat and work, flex and move, and she recalls an incident much more recent, two nights ago recent.

She could not help herself any more. She had been trying to hold herself back from touching Rei as often as she used to. She knows Rei has noticed, but is not commenting on it. As acutely aware of Rei as Yoshino is, Rei is the mirror. She knows Rei is wondering what is going on with her. Yoshino is hoping that the whole, getting-her-heart-fixed/new-lease-on-life thing is covering for her. She also wonders if she is hurting Rei's feelings, by keeping her distance, or if Rei is glad. Yoshino does not know, and cannot guess, and cannot find it in her to ask. There had been a number of things Yoshino has been reluctant to bring up recently. That evening she had spontaneously hugged Rei, because she had missed touching her, and it was hard to keep her distance, so she had hugged her, to feel her warmth and strength against her body, feel the vital essence of Rei against her. She had wrapped her arms around Rei's waist, quite out of nowhere, and buried her face against Rei's shoulder. Rei had laughed and enfolded her, stopping what she was doing (baking, surprisingly) stopping as she always does for Yoshino. And Yoshino had briefly felt an ugly twinge. That she was taking advantage of Rei's loving nature to fulfil some need in herself. And she had not wanted to delve too deeply into that one. So she had quashed it with the smell of Rei's body, with the feel of lean muscle under her hands, against her breasts.

She had squeezed Rei very tight, letting her know how tightly she wanted to be held this time, encouraging Rei to respond to her, really wanting something from her cousin. And Rei had of course, responded, even if she only half knew what Yoshino wanted from her. So tightly did she adhere herself to Rei, that their legs were touching. A very foreign thought had entered her head, foreign for its graphic nature, but not for its content, of what is would it be like? What would it be like if their jeans were not in the way? How would it feel to be lying down instead of standing up in Rei's kitchen, and their clothes were not in the way? It had shaken Yoshino. The sudden, molten fury of it. It shook her, and she felt like a pervert. She broke the contact between them as quickly as she had initiated it. She had backed away from Rei then, who was looking at her, only a little surprised. Rei, after all, was used to her cousin.

Yoshino, for some weird reason, had wanted to insult Rei, this person she loves so much. She wanted to blame Rei for her own feelings. Rei stood beside the worktop of the island in the middle of the kitchen, looking so harmless, so gentle, none of that intensity that she shows in Kendo present. She looked gorgeous all the same, and Yoshino, mood spinning on a yen, had wanted to go back to her, and apologise for something Rei knew nothing about. Yoshino stood looking at Rei, Rei looking back, asking her if something was wrong with a little tilt of her head. With her emotions swinging wildly, Yoshino, for once, was unable to articulate what was going on with her. For the first time since before her operation, Yoshino could not share something with Rei. And once again, if was for Rei's own good. With her head tilted to one side, her sleeveless tee-shirt showing off her toned arms, Yoshino swung again, and was suddenly angry as she looked at Rei. She wanted to throw herself at Rei. She wanted to kiss her. Really kiss her. An adult kiss, full of promise for other adult things.

Some of this must have shown on her face, because Rei's small, half-smile slowly receded, and she turned back to what she was doing. In her low calm voice, she said she would call Yoshino when her cookies were ready. Yoshino then hated herself, but thanked Rei in a normal sounding voice, and went back to her own house. By cookie time, Yoshino had calmed down considerably, and they were back to bantering and making fun of each other. There was no sense of wariness from Rei, so Yoshino hoped that it was swept under the carpet for the time being.

Yoshino now thinks that at the time that she gave Rei back her rosary is probably the time she started to look at Rei differently. Rei is a constant presence in her life and thoughts. She adores Rei, even if it shows itself in strange ways. So, she wanted to do something for Rei. As Yoshino got older, she began to see how much of Rei is tied up in her. All that time staring at a hospital ward ceiling was not in vain. She does think of these things, even now, that introspection has not left her. She thinks of Rei defining herself through Yoshino, and Yoshino feels very uneasy. She wanted to push Rei away from her a little, to be able to define herself through her own actions, her own decisions, to be free of the burden of Yoshino. Yoshino, who has never been a thoughtless person, is not even a particularly selfish person, despite the fact it would have been easy to become so. Because of her weakness she was indulged. Yet, because of her illness, she has learned different things than others of her own age. Playing mah-jong with the old ladies taught her patience, and poker with the nurses taught her how to read people. None of it taught her how to deal with falling in love with her female cousin, but she learned how to think things through, how to plan her strikes.

But she does not want to strike against Rei. And she could have showed a little restraint the other night, but she is new to this. Fidgeting on the floor of the dojo, waiting for her bishounen cousin to finish her practice and have a shower so they can go home, she knows she is not ready, for whatever comes next, but unwilling to back down. And this is a form selfishness. She cannot appear weak, even to herself. She is not ready, but she cannot help her feelings, she cannot help the way she reacts to Rei now. That is a weakness, but her logic is skewed when it comes to Rei. She loves Rei. And she cannot leave her alone. Yet wanting Rei to be independent of her, and Rei showing actual signs of that independence, she is becoming extremely attractive to Yoshino. No amount of poker or mah-jong can help her with this. Yoshino, truly, does not know how to deal with it. Does not know how to deal with the fact that by loosening their bonds, it is making Yoshino want to bind Rei tighter to her.

II

Winter is drawing in, and Yumi is behaving very strangely. Yoshino has noticed over the last few weeks, perhaps even the last month, that something has changed in her friend. Yumi is drifting off more than usual. She is the dreamy sort to begin with, so it is saying something if it has become very noticeable. And she is spending a lot of time with Rosa Gigantea. It is a constant source of amusement within the Yamayurikai how the two of them hit it off. Satou Sei, she who is humorously aloof, took one look at Yumi, already having a petite soeur not holding her back in any way, and decided she wanted a pet. From the get go, she was always hugging her, and petting her, wanting her attention, and somehow, knowing just the right things to do and say to _get_ Yumi's attention. Yoshino is also aware that Sei-sama likes winding up Sachiko-sama, and shamelessly uses Yumi for this. Yoshino is fighting to keep the smile off her face as she thinks of some of Sei-sama's manoeuvres when it comes to the newly minted Chinensis sisters. They have been a bit different lately, though. Yumi, who Yoshino knows is terribly fond of Sei-sama in return, has been different with her recently. Yoshino dismisses the idea that they might have had an argument over something, because Sei-sama does not argue with her juniors. She torments and molests them, but she does not argue with them. She is rarely serious, but when she is, it is a thing to behold, but her anger is reserved for other people, for her contemporaries, like Youko-sama, and Eriko-sama.

Just the other day, Sei-sama was playing with an elastic band and Yumi's hair, so they cannot be fighting. Yoshino, who is paying absolutely no attention to the teacher, focuses on her friend instead. It is hard not to like Yumi. Yoshino took to Yumi pretty much right away, just like Sei-sama. There is something ineffably gentle about Yumi, something soft and touchable. Something very inoffensive. On the surface, she appears to be the epitome of 'normal girl'. She has a very nice face, that is sweet and expressive, she is a physically neat person, who is growing in all the right ways. She has the stamp of "I'm going to be damned attractive when I get to about 20", because she has the makings of it now. And she is smart. Really smart, just unmotivated, but Sachiko-sama has been chasing her in that regard, and she is flying up the ranks. And Sei-sama has been helping her out also, from the amount of times Yoshino has found them together in the Rose Mansion. All of this is driving Yoshino into a competitive mode she never thought she would ever enter into with Yumi. But as Yoshino looks at Yumi, she has to wonder: what is it about Fukuzawa Yumi that has Satou Sei and Ogasawara Sachiko going gaga over her?

Yoshino discreetly keeps her gaze on Yumi, who seems to be actually paying attention. Yoshino is hoping no one catches her in the act of staring at her fellow Yamayurikai member and gets ideas, but she really wants to know what captures those two girls, them in particular, because they are, even in Lillian, very particular girls. Yumi has begun to wear her hair down lately. Which Yoshino thinks is a great idea, because it suits Yumi's lovely face. Deepens it, matures it. But there is something more than a change of hairstyle. Something...The drifting off, the dreamy gazes. Disappearing for lunch hours. If Yoshino did not know better, she would say that Yumi has a man hidden away on the grounds somewhere. Yumi is secretive about some things, and if she does not wish to speak of them, she will not. Yoshino has tried, and then learned to leave her alone. She is no longer worried about Yumi, because she was for a while, but she seems to be settling. And she is spending more time with Yoshino and Shimako again, which is great. But of course, Yoshino is very curious about what is changing her friend. Could it be that, like the rest of them, she is just growing up?

But there are days when Yumi seems very tense. No amount of prying can get it out of her. Yumi, who is a regular visitor to Yoshino's house, cannot be persuaded to divulge her problems even in more relaxing and private surroundings. She remains pleasantly, and stubbornly, quiet on certain subjects. It is at those times, however, that Yoshino gleans some valuable nuggets of information about Yumi. That Yumi is not as naïve as people will have her be, and that Yumi is hiding in plain view. Yumi is a chameleon. And while Yoshino knows this, she still cannot understand her seniors depth of interest in Yumi. Though it is true that there is more to her than meets the eye, Yoshino guesses that is not for her to see, and that is why she does not quite understand it. Luckily, however, Yoshino is not reliant on Yumi alone for evidence of Yumi's changing nature. When one thing changes, why, all around it will be affected. The butterfly affect, if you will. Yumi has flapped her wings, now Yoshino just has to see what has been ruffled. And the first person to come to mind is the unsettling yet oddly likeable Rosa Gigantea.

As Yoshino contemplatively traces the lines of Yumi's face caught in a three-quarter profile view, she thinks of Sei-sama. Thinking, that quite a few times, she has caught her looking at Yumi. Now, that in and of itself is not unusual behaviour from Sei-sama. Indeed, she will often do it, hoping that Sachiko-sama will see her doing it. And Sei-sama has commented that looking at Yumi is like reading an interesting book that turns its own pages. It has been different from that. It has not been playful. Or perhaps it has, but in a different manner. The quality of it has changed. There is something about Sei-sama's regard that makes Yoshino slightly uncomfortable, slightly embarrassed to see it now.

And it was funny the other day when Yumi called Rosa Gigantea 'Sei'. Yoshino knows that they spend time outside school together. That is no secret. But she did not know that Sei-sama lets Yumi call her by her name without an honorific. That was news. As it was to the rest of the room, that collectively raised an eyebrow at the slip, which Yumi did not notice. But Sei-sama did. If Yoshino did not know Sei-sama like she does, she could have sworn there was the beginnings of a blush. But why the blush? They are friends, why be embarrassed about that? Yoshino often call Rei 'Rei-chan' out of pure habit, and no one would be embarrassed about that, so why...

Really, Yumi?

Yoshino puts her hand up to her mouth to stop the giggle that comes rushing to the surface. She just about catches it, the only give away a rush of air out of her nose. It could be a caught sneeze. Nobody pays any mind. Yoshino finds herself forgetting discretion, and stares at Yumi, berating herself for having missed it. A man hidden on the grounds, indeed. Yumi is not hiding a man. She is hiding a rose. Suddenly, Yoshino cannot look at Yumi any more. The realisation of what Yumi is more than likely up to...It has to be that. Yoshino lightning fast scans her memories. The convert looks in return to Sei-sama, the amount of times Yoshino has found them together in the Rose Mansion, that look from Sei-sama at Yumi's slip: part mortification, part acceptance, and that time they both got detention for being late back from lunch. Yoshino's teenage heart is fluttering. She experiences confusion over her reaction, however. Why is she so excited about this? It is true, she will not deny it, the curious side of her nature loves satisfaction, but there is something somewhat different about this, is there not? Something a bit more personal?

Is she wrong? Yoshino turns it over again. Sei-sama does not touch Yumi as much as she used to. Their silent conversations by the kitchenette that they think no one notices. Nope. No doubt about it. They are dating. Really dating. A thrill runs through her at the thought, a sense of disbelief keeping it company. Of all that she is learning about her friend, now that she can spend more time with Yumi in and out of school, thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, she honestly did not think that Yumi had it in her. Or if she did, Sachiko-sama would be on the receiving end of it, considering the amount of chasing and romancing Sachiko-sama had to do to get Yumi. But then, Yumi has her pride, and that was a unknown quantity in the equation, the sum of Sachiko and Yumi. And in the end, even though Sachiko-sama got Yumi as a petite soeur, Yumi chose Rosa Gigantea as a girlfriend. Another ripple of excitement through Yoshino as she thinks of Sei-sama and Yumi that way.

Does Sachiko-sama know? She must. There is no way Yumi would keep something that important from her Onee-sama. Others, yes, but not her. Not when it is as clear as day how Sachiko-sama feels about her petite soeur. Which is kind of embarrassing as well, now that Yoshino thinks about it. Rei was right, one day when she was teasing Sachiko-sama, that the Ogasawara Princess is not happy unless Yumi-chan is sitting on her lap. Of course, Sachiko-sama did not have much of a comeback for that, because it is true, and it is Rei saying it, and Sachiko-sama will accept almost anything from Rei. The only person, including Youko-sama, who can talk to Sachiko-sama that way is Rei. So, between Sachiko-sama and Sei-sama fawning all over her, it really was just a matter of time before something happened with one of them. There is a logic to it, Yoshino decides. Especially if Yumi swings that way. Yoshino knows for definite about Sei-sama. Really, who would not know with her. And it would seem that Yumi is like Sei-sama. How interesting.

Are they in love? Yoshino wonders. Do they do all the things that Rei is always reading about? They must. She tries to picture Yumi and Sei-sama together, but has to stop. Her newly mended heart may not be able to take it. She shifts in her seat, her body reacting to her thoughts. So, she is competing with Yumi in life as well as school, now? She smiles at the thought. Then the smile dries up when she thinks about the two of them kissing, touching, being intimate. Again. She wants to see it. She wants to walk in on them, to catch then in the act. To have conclusive proof. She thinks of Rei, and knows why she wants to see them. To see, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that in real life, two girls can be together that way.

Yoshino is aware of the pseudo-romance of the soeur system in her school, but never really thought about it. It is something she never had to think about because Rei was always going to be her Onee-sama. It made Yoshino sad, angry and happy in unequal parts. She was candid with Yumi when she told her she was jealous of Sachiko-sama's attention and pursuit of Yumi. So she may not like the mush that Rei reads, but she is not ignorant of romance. She is not immune either, to the effects of it. That to be wooed by a potential Onee-sama, for girls in this school, is a very exciting prospect. To be truly wanted and not be an inevitability. Of course, Yoshino knows that she forced Rei to do just that, as much as she could. Forced Rei to re-evaluate her life with Yoshino. She was trying to tell Rei to not get comfortable, to look at Yoshino not just as someone to look after, but to really see her, as someone apart. Yoshino wanted, and still wants, to be strong, so Rei will be strong for herself, so perhaps they could try being equals, or at least, get on the path to that.

And yes, Rei has changed. She is less reliant on Yoshino's need, and is developing into Hasekura Rei, not just Rei, Yoshino's cousin. Yoshino's appendage. Yoshino is beginning to feel less like a parasite, less like a block on Rei's path. And yes, she finds Rei extremely attractive now. Ah. There is is again. Yoshino finds Rei very attractive. Yoshino finally looks back at Yumi. Yumi, Yumi, Yumi. Honest, happy Yumi. Clever, witty Yumi. Yumi who is with Rosa Gigantea, doing all the things Yoshino wants to do with Rei. Of course, Yoshino could just straight out ask Yumi what she and Sei-sama are to each other, and if they really are doing all the things Yoshino suspects they are doing. And of course, the chances of Yumi actually telling her are slim to none. And, of course again, there is the distinct possibility that Yumi would mention to Rosa Gigantea Yoshino's curiosity, and indeed, her particular line of enquiry. Yoshino, who struggles in general to keep up with Satou Sei at the best of times, would find Sei-sama's entire arsenal turned on her, and would want to know why Yoshino, what possible reason could little Yoshino-chan have, for asking questions of such a personal nature? Yoshino can actually hear the tone of voice Sei-sama would use, can already guess her very particular style of talking, veering from extremely polite to extremely casual in a heartbeat . And there is no way Yoshino could be anything less than truthful with the White Rose. Any kind of lie, or even a slight fudging of the truth would be like blood in the water.

Her only recourse would be total honesty, and she is not ready for that, not until she finds some sort of suitable resolution for what is going on inside her head in regards to Rei. Sei-sama would be merciful if Yoshino just came out with it, but Yoshino cannot. Cannot be so nakedly honest about this. It is something she cannot articulate fully even to herself. Instead, she has fuzzy, soft-focus ideas and notions about what she wants from Rei, and to expose that to another would be intolerable. Sei-sama may even guess that much, but Yoshino is unwilling to risk it. So that conversation will have to wait. Yoshino can be patient however. It is something she is good at. Sei-sama will graduate in March. Yoshino's curiosity is flash fried in sudden sympathy for Yumi, who will surely miss Rosa Gigantea terribly. Rosa Gigantea has not said what college she is going to yet. For Yumi's sake, she hopes it is next door. Yoshino is grateful that Rei has expressed her desire to go to the Lillian college. Even though Yoshino is pushing Rei to be her own person apart from her, she is still not ready for a time when Rei is not in her life in some way. The thought of Rei going away strikes a note of anxiety so deep, she feels physically sick at the thought. The loosening and the binding.

The bell goes, chiming through the corridors, ending with the sigh of relief of hundreds of girls. At the teacher's final instructions, something about inversions, Yoshino does not really care, the class stands and bows. They settle back down , changing books and chatting, waiting for the next teacher to arrive. Yumi turns around, as she always does, when she finishes arranging herself for English, to smile at Yoshino and Shimako, always ready for a chat, really. Yumi is not difficult at all in that way. Easy to get along with, easy to smile back at. Except this time, Yoshino is working hard to return the smile, and say or do nothing more. Her heart starts in her chest as Yumi smiles at her, because suddenly, that girl there, does not look like Yumi any more. She looks like someone else. A foreign person, someone who just stumbled in from the wild. She is smiling at Yumi, and biting back on her words. She want to say: _I know! I do! And by the way, what do you and Sei-sama do together?_

Yoshino, even with her close friend, would never be so crass. So she keeps it to herself. But it is hard not to just blurt it out. Simply because it is Yumi, and Yoshino is probably closer to her than to any other girl of her own age, including Shimako. She likes Shimako, likes her a lot, but she responds more to the warmth of Yumi. She likes the constant and reliable presence of Shimako, and is always happy to hang out with her, but if she was to pick one person of her own age that she could say was her closest friend, it would be Yumi, no competition. But there is a moment there, friendship notwithstanding, that Yoshino just wants to say it. Just wants to say it out loud. She looks at Yumi smiling at her, her face open and pleasant, and Yoshino wants something. Wants something very badly from Yumi. She looks at Yumi's smile, looks at her lips, thinking: _those lips are kissing someone. Yumi's mouth knows something mine does not._ Yoshino wants to squirm but holds herself in place. _I even know who you are kissing._ She is staring. Yumi is going to notice. To head her off, Yoshino asks what the homework was. Yumi laughs, asking Yoshino if she was in the class at all. Not really, Yoshino admits.

Yumi passes her homework journal over, and Yoshino copies the contents into her own. She feels relief at not looking at Yumi any longer. For a moment, she had wanted to kiss Yumi. Badly wanted to kiss her. To feel her lips and her mouth against her own, that mouth that knows something that Yoshino desperately wants to know, especially now, as she has been excited by the idea of Yumi and Sei-sama. She want to know the feeling of kissing the person you like, as any girl does. The fact that Yoshino would think that kissing Yumi to find that out is a viable, if insane, facilitation to that, just shows the depth of desperation in Yoshino. To think, via the magic of osmosis, Yumi could somehow show her that...It is nuts, Yoshino knows it, but she cannot help but think it all the same. She also wonders, that if she asked nicely enough, would Yumi actually oblige her? She feels a wild giggle at the thought, annoyed at the humour and the amount of energy she is wasting on wondering about this. But she finds herself unable to look at Yumi, nonetheless. She can feel Yumi's gaze on her, can feel the heat of a blush threatening. She hands Yumi back her journal and bends to retrieve her English book out her bag at the same time, niftily avoiding Yumi's gaze. And then the teacher is here, and _this is a pen_ begins.

III

Christmas and New Year pass uneventfully for Yoshino. Her whole family celebrate her seeing another one, and Yoshino is grateful to the point of tears that she gets to see another new year dawn also. Rei's strong arm around her shoulders as they walk home from the temple at midnight made her happier than she ever thought she could be, made the operation, and the fear, all worth it, even if only just for this moment. That if that was all she got, she would be happy, because Rei loves her, and is here with her, and really, that is all she wants anyway.

However, February is not so happy. It brings with it a brand of heartache that Yoshino is quite unaccustomed to, and therefore defenceless against, when somebody else finds Rei's card in the stupid Valentine's Day Treasure Hunt. Yoshino had been against it from the start. At the proposal, her immediate and passionate opposition surprised her. Yumi did not voice it, but she was just as upset at the prospect, especially at the thought of someone else going on a date with her Onee-sama. There is no reason not to be upset. Other people do not have to do this. Just because they are the Yamayurikai, they have to share their Onee-samas? Do they not share them enough? Yoshino had vehemently opposed it. Yumi's mournful face has backed her up, and Shimako, who as an en bouton, would be the object of pursuit, had also weighed in as heavily as was possible for her. She thought everything would be fine, because the en boutons had declined.

But no. That brief moment of relief had been brought smoothly to a close when the Roses intervened. All Eriko-sama had to do was put her hand on Rei's shoulder, and say her name in that particular way, and Rei, the idiot, had caved. So weak in the face of her Onee-sama. Youko-sama had to work a little harder on Sachiko-sama, but by appealing to her sense of duty and something about the good name of the Yamayurikai, she had gotten her in the end. All Sei-sama had to do was point out the situation to Shimako, encourage her to do her best, and it was a three nil defeat.

Sei-sama, surprisingly perhaps, had made it easier by suggesting that the petite soeurs be allowed to compete also, seeing as both Yoshino and Yumi had looked quite dejected. Yoshino had wondered about that particular reaction from Yumi. Why would Yumi feel so put out about it, considering her relationship with Sei-sama? Why would Sei-sama suggest that for Yumi? It was times like that that made Yoshino question the veracity of her guess at the relationship between Sei-sama and Yumi. But then again, Yoshino supposed, it was still hard to think of one's Onee-sama going on a date with another, no matter what one's personal circumstances are. And Yoshino thought that it would be a great relief for Sachiko-sama to go on a date with Yumi, rather than with a stranger. In her own circumstances, she was livid at the thought of anyone but her going on a date with Rei. She was even more livid when she lost.

IV

February roars into March, and Yoshino experiences a frustration so exquisitely acute, that it has become a part of her. Like an extra layer of skin that she is being forced to carry. Spring is definitely in the air, and Yumi and Sei-sama are feeling it, much to Yoshino's annoyance. Rosa Gigantea is requesting the help of Rosa Chinensis en bouton's petite soeur on certain projects, meaning that Yumi is missing classes. Yoshino's envy grows every time she sees Yumi is not at her desk when she should be, knowing she is with Sei-sama, and that they are 'working' on something together. During class time, too. Yoshino hopes that Yumi can make up for this missing time, and thinks that Sei-sama is being quite selfish in this regard. She may be done with high school, but Yumi is not. And Yoshino knows she is just being bitchy, even in her own head. Yet she cannot help it. She is no closer to Rei in regards to her true feelings than she was when she realised them.

She is OK, for the most part. Though she feels her frustration, though it is a constant companion, she is fine, in a sort of holding pattern, until she sees Yumi and Sei-sama. It might be when Yumi is missing from class, or when she is walking to the Rose Mansion, and she sees Yumi and Sei-sama walking from somewhere that is not the classrooms and they look ruffled and happy. They are smiling or laughing over something Yoshino cannot possibly understand, and she feels very distant from Yumi at that point. As if she does not really know this girl any more. It makes her feel sad and lonely, and pissed off. Their hair is messy, or Yumi's tie is not in its regulation knot, or Sei-sama's uniform somehow manages to look casually put on. But then again, lately Yoshino has been thinking that Sei-sama looks like someone about to shed her skin anyway, so that is not so surprising. But it is always something, something that annoys Yoshino.

And she swallows it. Her envy. Her jealousy. She does not say: _you two are not nearly as discreet as you think you are. You never were_. She feels petty just for thinking it, so she will never say it. And she loves Yumi. She does not want to hurt someone like Yumi, her closest friend who is not family. A rare find for Yoshino, if she is honest. Her respect for Sei-sama holds her back also. She likes Sei-sama a lot, even if she makes her uneasy sometimes. But Sei-sama is kind and generous with Yoshino in lots of ways, and occasionally protects her from her own grande soeur, which is upsetting to Yoshino that she should need such protection, but she is grateful for it anyway. So, as much as she often feels like she wants to give voice to this awful gnawing feeling in her gut, she will not. She will not transfer that onto two people she cares for just because of her own inability to act. No, that is not Yoshino's way. To treat her friends in such a shabby manner. It is dishonourable to be even thinking it. She wants to be happy for them, that they found each other, but her own circumstances being what they are, that feels like asking too much. So she stays quiet.

It gets harder. March begins its inevitable softening and graduation is only just a week away. A pall of quiet sadness with a hint of desperation is wreathing the school from the students remaining behind, but the seniors are not so sad. And why would they be? High school is finally over, and these young women can now get on with what they want to be doing, rather than what they have to be doing. Well for the most part, Yoshino reckons, thinking of Sachiko-sama's situation, thought that will not be until next year. However, Yumi and Sei-sama are even less discreet, and are nearly caught at least once that Yoshino knows about. But there are rumours about them, that Yoshino has been crushing whenever she gets wind of them. But in this school, peopled by excitable beings that love to gossip, it is hard to do. Especially, as she finds out, the subjects of these rumours have not been helping matters.

Yoshino gleans this particular titbit by accidentally overhearing a conversation between the Red Rose family. She arrives after school, a little late because of an errand for a teacher, and she hears serious sounding voices coming from the closed door of the meeting room. She recognises the voice speaking as Youko-sama. Apparently, from what Yoshino can hear, Yumi and Sei-sama had pushed their luck the day before. Yoshino had heard nothing of this, so it must have been caught quickly, and it was, she hears. The gist of the story is that Takeshima Tsutako had been on her way to the Rose Mansion yesterday afternoon, and had seen Yumi and the unmistakable form of Sei-sama by an open window, being intimate, whatever Youko-sama means by that. Kissing, probably. Tsutako seeing them would not have been so bad, but she unfortunately had Yamaguchi Mami with her. Yamaguchi Mami of the newspaper club. Tsutako had seen them first, and neatly avoided disaster by redirecting Mami. But Mami had seen something. She was not sure what, but what with the other rumours, she will not be long putting it together. Tsutako went to Yumi with this, Yumi went to Sachiko-sama, and Sachiko-sama in turn, went to her Onee-sama.

As Yoshino listens to the conversation, she wonders if Tsutako will let Mami work it out. Very few people know this about Tsutako. She has an amazing amount of sway over the next editor of the school newsletter. Most of Mami's 'scoops' come from Tsutako, who is rather good at misdirecting people, and keeping the newspaper club under control. If only because of Yumi. And that is something else very few people know about Takeshima Tsutako. Yoshino focuses back on the conversation, knowing she should leave, yet really curious about what is going to happen. For Sei-sama, it is fine, she is graduating, and will not be affected by much at this point. Yumi, on the other hand, has another two years of high school left, and it would be bad for her reputation to suffer. As a measure of Youko-sama's annoyance, she actually raises her voice, and Yoshino does not have to concentrate to hear what she is saying.

-At an open window, Yumi? Takeshima-san said you were practically having sex...

Yoshino doubts very much that Tsutako would ever say something like that to Youko-sama, who clearly paid her a visit.

-...This is unacceptable.

Then her voice softens.

-I know Sei is leaving, Yumi, but just keep it together. You're lucky you have some very good friends.

She says more, but Yoshino stops listening. She has heard enough. The newspaper club would never have published something so blatant, not without getting shut down. But they can direct a lot of eyes onto Yumi and Sei-sama, that is for sure. They can hint and insinuate, for they are the same excitable beings as the others who populate the school, and nothing can be done about that.

Yoshino slowly and quietly makes her way back to the stairs, thinking that it is amazing they did not hear her come up, for she took no precaution to be quiet. She jogs up and down on the steps for bit, and then makes her way nosily to the funny shaped door, and enters in her usual manner, greeting all within. Even if she had not heard the conversation, she would have felt awkward, she would have known something had gone on in this room between the three of them. The others look much as they always do, but seeing Yumi's embarrassed face, Yoshino is suddenly on fire inside. She may have to re-evaluate her doubts on Yumi and Sei-sama 'practically having sex in this room'. After offering tea, she sits in her usual chair, and pulls some of the final graduation paper work toward herself, and scans lists of people invited to the day itself. They all need to be assigned a seat, and then have seats left over for others who may just drop in, boyfriends and spare relations and the like, on the day itself. She wonders all the while if Yumi and Sei-sama really _are_ having sex, or was Youko-sama just emphasising a point. Because is they looked like they were 'practically' having sex, the chances are...

Yoshino squirms in her seat, thinking of Yumi and Sei-sama. She wonders which window it was. She looks over at the two windows of the Rose Mansion that face where anyone walking from the school would see first, and thinks it was one of these, for Tsutako to have seen them. At this, a murmur of excited disquiet runs through her, thinking that two people so close to her, both girls, 'practically' having sex in this room...The details and intricacies involved in this are infinitely interesting to the teenage mind, particularly to the virgin teenage mind. Blasé only comes with age and experience, so sex, and the close proximity of sex, sex between two people she knows well, and Yoshino's own frustration, combine against her. Yet again, she swallows it. But even as she pushes it down she replaces Yumi and Sei-sama in her mind with herself and Rei. The thought of Rei's strong hands on her body keep trying to squeeze around the plug she is attempting to shove into that part of her imagination. The almost visceral idea of Rei's lips, which her cheek knows the feel of, Rei's soft lips on hers. Rei leaning down from her height to kiss Yoshino, to pull Yoshino hard against her...

Yoshino suddenly stands up, causing the Chinensis family as one to look at her in surprise. Yoshino cannot take her thoughts any more. She feels like she is going slightly mad. She moves to distract herself. She has this urge to hug herself, or find Rei and break this paralysis, and possibly her relationship with her cousin at the same time. She is blushing; she can feel it. It is this thought, the thought that she may hurt Rei, may lose Rei, that calms her down. That, and the concern evident on Yumi's face. Yumi is half out of her own seat, her hand already out to catch Yoshino, or something, and she is wary, Yoshino can see. She asks Yoshino if she is OK, should she go and get Rei? Yoshino forgets sometimes, that it is Yumi who was in the hospital with her, right up until her operation. That it was Yumi who has heard out Yoshino and Yoshino's feelings, to a point, about Rei, and her opinions on her nearly symbiotic relationship with Rei. Yoshino sits back down slowly, apologising for her behaviour, but not giving an explanation for it. What can she say? _I got freaked out thinking about kissing my cousin? I am jealous that you may or may not be having sex with another woman?_

Yumi keeps a close eye on her, only sort of accepting Yoshino's apology. But Yumi will not question Yoshino. Not even when they are alone. Yumi will wait for Yoshino. Because Yumi knows her well. Yoshino sighs at this. She may know Yoshino too well. Yumi keeps her eye on Yoshino, even when Rei finally shows up. Sei-sama and Eriko-sama show up as well, even though, like Youko-sama, they do not need to be here at all. Shimako was last in the door, apologising for her lateness. Rei sits in her usual seat between Yoshino and Eriko-sama, freshly showered after practice. Her hair is still damp, and she smells like soap. Yoshino has the sudden urge to sit on her lap. She grips her mechanical pencil and squeezes her legs together under the table. She is feeling a little overwhelmed again.

She wants to rub herself against Rei, smell Rei's scent under the soap, a smell as familiar to Yoshino as her own, but right this moment, the smell is also new and exciting to her. She knows the smell of Rei's sweat, and she wants to smell it again. She thinks, that when Rei hugs her, she often presses Yoshino's face against her throat, under her chin, so she can rest her head on top of Yoshino's. She would also stroke Yoshino's hair. This action, that position, calms and soothes Yoshino like nothing else. It was there that Yoshino learned the special smell of Rei, her nose at Rei's neck, as her bigger cousin held and stroked her, when things hurt, things neither of them understood until they were older, when Yoshino could not breathe properly, or could not walk to keep up with Rei, and she would get frustrated. That smell was nice. It was comfortable and it meant safety and calm. It still does. Nothing will change that aspect of her. Right now, however, as she looks at Rei out of the corner of her eye, it is a sexy smell also. Yoshino stumbles over the thought, and then burns at it.

V

Graduation comes and goes, quite uneventfully, in Yoshino's opinion. Rei has been blue over Eriko-sama's departure. Yoshino empathises with Rei, but she cannot, in all honesty, be entirely upset about Eriko-sama leaving. Eriko-sama always seemed to know something about Yoshino and her feelings toward Rei. But unlike most people, instead of just coming out and saying it, or keeping it completely to herself, she would use it to tease Yoshino. It was cruel, and that was not just Yoshino's opinion. There is no way to fight somebody who does that. The whole thing was am ambush from beginning to end. Either put one's foot in the bear trap, or step on the landmines buried around it. The only way through is to say nothing, and let her have her way. Rei had her own way of dealing with her Onee-sama. Yoshino does not know how it went between the two of them, but Eriko-sama's regard for her petite soeur was very clear, and there was a quiet companionship that existed between them.

Rei is now Rosa Foetida, making Yoshino Rosa Foetida en bouton. Rei, with Sachiko-sama and Shimako are feeling the weight of responsibility of being Roses. Yoshino really feels for Shimako, because she should really only be a en bouton at this point. Both of their seniors keep an eye on her though, so it may not be so bad for her. For, Yoshino, who is no nearer a solution, things are not so good.

As April blossoms into May, she finally approaches Yumi about her feelings toward Rei, how they have changed since the last time they spoke on this subject, way back when Yoshino was in hospital. Yumi was the one that Yoshino confided her life or death decision to, after her parents, and therefore, Yumi is somebody that Yoshino instinctively trusts. Sei is also sufficiently removed from them (next door) for Yoshino to feel safe enough to ask Yumi some really personal questions. Questions Yumi is going to hate her asking, but questions that Yoshino has to ask. And she has to ask them now, because she feels like screaming incoherency is just a step away.

Yoshino is a sensitive girl. She has spent a lot of time inside her own head. She has also spent a lot of time around adults, and is now at a strange juncture. She does not feel seventeen, yet her emotions are those of a seventeen year old. She over thinks, and yet tries not to. She is impulsive by nature, yet her illness forced her to wait. If she had grown up like Yumi, she would probably not be agonising over this situation as much. She probably would have kissed Rei by now. Despite all that she has gone through in her short life, she has never felt more alone. Perhaps when she made the decision to have the operation, that may be the last time she felt like this. So it is a relief, for Yoshino, to say out loud all that is in her heart. A relief to speak to another girl, someone her own age, who happens to being feeling something similar, and who, oddly, wonderfully, thankfully, happens to be Yumi.

Yumi, the holder of secrets, is a sympathetic ear. Like always, Yumi withholds advice, which Yoshino is grateful for, as Yoshino does not wish to be told what to do. But the very best thing about Yumi, is that she is not judgemental. Even if she was not in a relationship with another girl, there is no way Yumi would think less of Yoshino. Rei is her cousin, after all. Yumi, as Yoshino has learned over the past year, is not so trivial or immature a person as to be scandalised over another's feelings, regardless of who those feelings are for. It is a comforting cradle in which to rest. So when Yoshino finally spits it out, Yumi is not phased at all. Even when Yoshino picks at her a little, to see if perhaps there is an underlying objection. There really is not. Then Yumi reminds her that her Onee-sama is going to marry her cousin when she finishes high school, so why would Yumi find it so strange?

Then Yumi does something quite new. She hugs Yoshino. Yoshino experiences some shock over this. Yoshino is only fully tactile with Rei, and occasionally her mother. In fact, is rather adverse to hugging or touching in general. So much time spent in hospitals and with doctors, poking and prodding, jabbing and sampling, she can be a little prickly. Perhaps because she had no choice in the matter. There are certain circumstances that demand hugging. Like when Chisato-san came to talk to Yoshino, and ended up crying on her doorstep. How could she not hug someone so hurt? But Rei is hers to hold, and always has been. Not touching Rei in some manner would be akin to not touching her own clothes, or her hair. Something everyday and unremarkable, but very strange if one could not do it for some reason. Of course, that was until the last year or so. Then touching Rei became something else. But she can still touch her, still hold her hand and hug her. It just feels different now, and Yoshino does not know how she feels about this.

And now Yumi is hugging her. Yoshino fights her a little, feeling the familiar dread of another invading her space without her permission. This is the first time Yumi has ever done such a thing, despite the fact that the girl does indeed enjoy touching other people, so Yoshino guesses that Yumi has surmised as much about Yoshino. But this time, there is no escape. Yumi is so hands on in her comfort. An admirable adherence to the 'actions speak louder than words' concept, but one that Yoshino is not entirely happy about, now that it is turned on her. Yumi wins out, however. She holds onto Yoshino until she recognises the futility of fighting a force like Yumi, who is showing real determination to hold her. Yoshino gives up, and accepts her friend's sincere wish to make her feel better. She sinks into Yumi's surprisingly solid embrace. She sinks into Yumi's warmth, and allows Yumi to whisper to her.

She feels Yumi's arm around her shoulders, clasping firmly, her other arm stretching across her body to her hip, pulling her in. Keeping her anchored and secure, as the fresh breeze of spring glides over them, as the smell of flowers and freshly cut grass surrounds them, as the sound of the cicadas, crawling out of the ground for the first time in seventeen years to mate, fills the air with their sound. She rests her face against Yumi's neck, breathing her in. The only other people she has smelled this way are Rei and her own mother. Her skin is soft, and she smells fresh. She wants to say:_ thank you_. But nothing comes out. She wants to say: _I love you for this_, but again, she cannot.

VI

It is mid-summer, and it is sweltering. This second year of high school is proving to be tough for Yoshino. Her responsibilities in the Yamayurikai are increasing with becoming an en bouton, something she would not have guessed at the beginning of the year. And on top of that, the former Rosa Foetida is putting pressure on her to find a petite soeur. Yoshino does not want to, and it is causing ructions, both in herself and with Rei, who strangely, is being vocal about Yoshino carrying on the family name sooner rather than later. She does not want to share Rei's last year. She wants it to be just the two of them. Yoshino wants to do what Rosa Gigantea did, and wait until her third year to find someone. In fact, Sei-sama's third year proved to be quite bountiful, did it not, Yoshino thinks ruefully, casting her gaze to Yumi, who is all kinds of gently pissed off with Sachiko-sama.

They are all in the Rose Mansion this morning, and it is coming up to summer vacation. Yoshino finally won her argument with the doctors and Rei about tackling Fuji-San. Yoshino has never felt better. So she still gets fevers now and again. So she can still get pretty tired on an occasion, but she has managed to take up Kendo, a phase she knows Rei was hoping she would pass through. She did not. Instead, she officially became part of the club at the beginning of the school year. And Rei chose to show her concern and worry by being particularly hard on her. Yoshino does not mind so much. The part she did mind, and is a continuous source of annoyance, is all the help she receives from Tanuma Chisato. Yoshino always wants to refuse her help, but she recognises her inexperience, and knows it renders all of her arguments idiotic without her having to voice them. Chisato-san has been nice to her, and volunteered to help Yoshino. Maybe because after her date with Rei last year, Yoshino was nice to her, who knows. Yoshino does not, but she both appreciates and resents Chisato-san's help.

So while all of this is going on, school work is stepping up, gearing them for the coming third year. Yumi and Shimako seem to be coping, but Yoshino missed a lot of her first year of high school, and a lot of middle school. She just managed to pass the entrance exam for the high school division. And then she was sick, and then there was the operation. She has been distracted over a lot of things, and while she is managing to maintain her average, she is working so hard to do it. But she will not back down on anything. The last thing she needs to deal with at this point is a petite soeur. Though she is mildly anxious over the fact that Shimako has already acquired one in the shape of Noriko and Yumi is juggling Hosokawa Kanako and Matsudaira Touko. She is sure to be one petite soeur better off before too long.

Yoshino knows that Yumi will pick Touko-chan. Yumi displays a fascination with Touko that Yoshino has never seen in Yumi before, and it can be quite unsettling. Yumi is sometimes a little unsettling. She plays with Touko, spinning an elegant, thoughtful web, and sitting in it like a benign spider, waiting for Touko to tweak a strand, all of which are straining toward the girl anyway. If one did not know Yumi, one would never suspect her of being at all capable of doing such a thing. But she is. She is so good at handling people, Yoshino thinks, watching her friend argue with her Onee-sama. It makes Yoshino envious and nervous at the same time. Where did she learn to do that? At seventeen, Yumi stands at what Yoshino suspects is her adult height. She is filling and thinning in all the right ways, and carries a poise that is pure Sachiko. Her humour is heavily influenced by Sei-sama, to be sure. But combined with the childish glee that bubbles in Yumi, it becomes something harmless and genuinely funny, if still a little risqué. Yoshino can only imagine what conversations are like between Yumi and Sei-sama, as she is sure Yumi would never hold back the way she does here. Part of Yoshino would like to hear Yumi like that, to hear something from her she has never heard before. Yoshino often thinks of her friends that way. What are they like around family, what are they like, in Yumi's case anyway, with a lover?

Yet, as Yoshino subtly watches the Red Rose Family, while Rei soothes Shimako and Noriko, she sees a lot of Mizuno Youko in Yumi. Yumi, like anyone here, is heavily influenced by the seniors she is closest to, and Yoshino is expecting more Sachiko and Sei, but it is not the case. Yoshino has a huge amount of respect for the former Rosa Chinensis. She was a leader and a politician and still managed to be a very nice person. In Yoshino's humble opinion, she was at her best when she was balancing Eriko-sama and Sei-sama, who had a natural antipathy toward each other. Youko-sama made them a united front. Yoshino felt that nothing could go wrong with Youko-sama in charge. As Yumi grows into her en bouton role, as she begins to lose that shyness, Yoshino can see some of the same diplomacy and capability in her. Yumi is not a take charge type of person, not like Sachiko-sama, but when she does something, it is done right, and one can trust in that. Perhaps the unspoken tradition of the Chinensis family being the de facto leaders of the Yamayurikai will continue.

Though, as Yoshino continues to watch the Chinensis sisters face off, she thinks that diplomacy would come in really handy for Yumi right about now, yet she is useless and childish on the face of her Onee-sama. They are both standing and huffing at each other, and there is particular atmosphere between the two of them that is not at all uncommon, and has led to some rather pointed jokes from Rei toward Sachiko-sama. Yoshino shuffles some budget reports. The tennis club are looking for extra funds again. They are both fixing on each other, and they both look a little red in the face. Yoshino wonders, that if no one was here, would they lean over and kiss? She laughs inwardly at this. Funny how things work out. Their whole soeurship always hovers on the romantic fence, with most of the school, thanks to the newspaper club, wondering what side it will fall on. And Yumi ends up dating Satou Sei. But only a select few people know that. And yet, here they are, arguing, and Yoshino can see it, what drew them to each other. If she were to reach a hand between them, she could scoop it up, so thick is it.

Then Sachiko-sama defuses the whole situation by inviting Yumi on holiday with her, and Yumi looks so happy at the prospect, that Yoshino feels slightly ill. She wonders briefly if something_ is_ going on between them, if the relationship picked a side. She shakes her head at this. Yoshino has seen Yumi and Sei-sama together, and they look happy and comfortable as a couple. And the thought that Yumi may be seeing them both at the same time is something that defies Yoshino's ability to imagine. Perhaps, she just has a stunted imagination, but that is fine, in this case. Also, Yumi is practically living with Sei-sama. She wonders what Yumi's parents think. How often has Yoshino seen Sei-sama come to collect Yumi. When she has gone to the apartment, Yumi is all over it, besides the very fact that Yumi can invite her to Sei-sama's apartment in the first place. And Sachiko-sama is well...Sachiko-sama. The Ice Princess. Indeed, she has become a little more human under the careful and loving ministrations and attentions of her petite soeur, but that is one thing, and doing ecchi things is another. Yoshino's logic on this matter comes from a stance of personal incredulity, flawed as it may be, but she cannot imagine the beautiful and aloof Sachiko-sama in the throes of wet and wild lesbian sex. Yoshino bites down hard on her cheek at this thought, feeling a ripple of laughter threatening to tear loose.

Yoshino leaves the Chinensis sisters alone, and goes back to her contemplation of Rei beside her. Since Yoshino started Kendo, she has been on the receiving end of Rei's commanding side. In the dojo, Hasekura-san, captain of the Kendo team, is not one with whom to mess. Yoshino secretly loves it. She argues and rails against Rei outside the dojo, at home and even here in the Yamayurikai. She usually wins, too, because she knows Rei so well. They both know each other so well, and what buttons to press. Rei is weak in the face of cuteness, and luckily for Yoshino, Rei does consider her younger cousin very cute indeed. Yoshino knows the looks and expressions she can use with her cousin that has Rei saying yes before she even realises it. It annoys Rei, much to Yoshino's delight. Deep down, Yoshino knows that Rei wants her to be happy. Yoshino, even if she never says it, is eternally grateful for her cousin's consideration of her, even if it annoys Rei, it is never for long. However, something else she will never tell Rei, is that in the dojo, as an official part of the Kendo team, Rei turns that intense, no nonsense gaze on Yoshino, uses that tone of voice that brooks no argument, and Yoshino will do anything for Rei. Absolutely anything. Yoshino sighs. It is a matter of time before Rei cottons on to this.

One thing that Yoshino has to deal with now, as part of the club, and something she did not foresee as being a big deal, is the showers. Yoshino is not shy, and is fairly confident of her body. She spent a lot of time in hospital gowns and being examined by lots of different people, that she does not mind any more, people seeing her. So that is not the problem. Rei is the problem. Three times a week, Yoshino showers beside Rei. Rei, who is tall and long of limb. Rei, who is toned and fit, stands under the shower head, and Yoshino does her very best not to stare at her. Tries not to notice the rivulets of water streaming down Rei's long body, the muscles that move liquidly under velvety skin. Focuses very hard on the tiles in front of her, and not the play of those same muscles on her shoulder blades as she washes her hair. No, no, Yoshino does not notice the tight belly, or the slim hips. Never sees the light pubic hair and the water dampening it, making it look darker. Nor does she ever acknowledge the high small breasts, with their dark rose coloured nipples. Or the sight of shower gel and shampoo washing off any of Rei's fascinating body.

Yoshino has a dreadful anticipation of these showers. She feels like a pervert when she looks, and yet cannot help herself. Rei, who has been showering around other girls for a long time, does not care who is looking, and never notices. Rei, however, does not know how Yoshino feels about her now. Rei is as chatty with Yoshino as she ever is. Because Yoshino is still just Yoshino-chan to Rei, and not anything more. So it seems to Yoshino that it is unfair to sneak peeks at Rei, even if Rei does not appear to care. When she does it, she feels like a dirty fighter. Yoshino sighs again, thinking, that she is only human, oh, so human, and she wants to look at Rei. She wants to at least look at what she cannot touch. The same, however, cannot be said of Chisato-san.

This girl, even Rei is not oblivious to, knows that she is crushing on her. Rei is just choosing to ignore her, and be nice about it. But it is Rei-nice, and Rei-nice is an attractive thing in its own right. It does not encourage, but it does not discourage either. And there is no point in asking Rei to be more definite in her dealings with Chisato-san, as Rei does not want anything to disrupt the atmosphere and running of the dojo, of the club. Yoshino knows this, because she has had this discussion with her in the past few months. Also, it goes against Rei's nature to outright hurt Chisato-san. It is a combination of Rei's natural shyness and her following the path of least resistance. Yoshino has more than once found it annoying, but what is to be done? What Rei does not realise, however, is that kind of nice, Rei-nice, is damaging.

Not that this is the first time that Rei has had to deal with this situation. Rei looks like a boy. An extremely pretty boy. So boyishly pretty, in a large school full of teenage girls, Rei, since she sprouted like a weed around the age of fourteen, Yoshino remembers, because she was a kid herself, just starting to feel the first real jabs of puberty, has been the object of intense, and often inappropriate attention. Just by standing in a room, Rei can make people either very nervous, or very excited, usually a toxic mixture of both. Her appearance, like her niceness, is ambiguous. Neither encouraging, but not discouraging either. Even her classmates, and Yoshino has seen this first hand, who would not normally be caught dead getting worked up over a contemporary, have expressed real interest in her, from time to time. Real, romantic interest, which Rei, in private, felt very uncomfortable with. When Eriko-sama picked her to be her petite soeur, she protected Rei from a lot of this attention. Elevated her to the Yamayurikai, which instils enough respect into people, that they leave her alone. This much Yoshino knows about the the relationship between Eriko-sama and Rei.

Chisato-san, who, in general, is a very nice girl, is something else when it comes to Rei. She is obvious and persistent in her desire for Rei, and Rei is being nice about it, which vexes Yoshino, and makes her feel bad for Chisato-san. In the showers, Yoshino is on one side of Rei, trying not to look, and always on her other side is Chisato-san, who just looks. She looks, and flirts, and touches her (while they are naked in the showers, no less!) and does as much as she can, without going too far, to get Rei's attention. And what does Rei do? She just smiles and pretends she does not hear the tone in the girl's voice. She pretends that the girl is not looking at her. She plays clueless, her ultimate defence, and Yoshino struggles to keep her mouth shut. She cannot weigh in on this. It would make Rei look weak and herself look like a bitch. And she would feel like a bitch. She completely understands where Chisato-san is coming from.

It angers her, of course it does, to see Chisato-san looking and touching Rei when Yoshino dares not. But she cannot blame her for doing so, for braving a rebuke chasing what she wants. Looking at Rei objectively, she is fine specimen of healthy female. She has beautiful eyes and a brilliant smile. She is charming, polite, smart and nice. She is also Yamayurikai, which adds a little extra glamour to the overall package. She comes from a good pedigree, and she excels in Kendo, a very well regarded martial art, not just in Japan, but in the world, and the Hasekuras are well known in it. If one were looking for perfect boyfriend material, why, Rei would be the one. Among girls, there is always a boy, and Rei happens to be it this time. Except, she is safer than a boy. Good practice material. Except, Chisato-san does not think of her that way. Yoshino can see it. Chisato-san sees Rei as a girl, and that is what she wants. So Yoshino can roll her eyes over the other girls, but Chisato-san does not want a pretend boy. She wants a girl, and the girl she wants is Rei, which is why she is a bit more dangerous than the others. She may just succeed, through sheer wilfulness, where Yoshino, loving Rei the way she does, may fail.

Yoshino, sitting in the heat of the Rose Mansion, suddenly feels very tired. She feels wrung out, at her limit. Her heart goes out to Chisato-san, even if the girl is a thorn in her side, because she knows her pain. The real heart ache of wanting someone as elusive and ambiguous as Hasekura Rei. Rei, who she knows so well, can sometimes seem like a stranger even to her. When she watches Chisato-san with Rei, she feels like she does not know her at all, this woman who is desirable to others, not just Yoshino. Yoshino knew how others reacted to Rei, knew she was a bit of a superstar in their microsystem known as Lillian, but Chisato-san brings it home to Yoshino just how far away her wishing and wanting of Rei really is, how much a fantasy wanting her is, no matter how close they are. Yoshino feels turned on and sleepy at the same time. It feels horrible. She feels horrible.

By unanimous agreement, they all decide to take advantage of being Yamayurikai, and take lunch early. Because it is nearly time for turning in the budget reports, which for some reason, has to be done before summer vacation, they were allowed this week to skip some of their morning classes to get all the paperwork in order. Not that this taking a longer lunch is slacking, as this time of the year is quite stressful for the Yamayurikai. They are loaded up with budget reports for the Board before summer break, and then they come back to organise the Sports Festival. Now is when Yoshino realises how protected they were by their seniors. Rei, Sachiko-sama and Shimako have to bundle everything together, submit it to the Board, and then be available to answer questions on it, so they try to get everything done as early as possible. Shimako admitted in class the other day that she is nervous about it, as this is her first year on the front lines, as it were. Rei has not said anything about it, and Sachiko-sama would never admit to being nervous. But Yumi and herself have been running around the school, chasing receipts and wayward club presidents. It has been a bit of a nightmare, to be honest. All the clubs have to go through this every year, but very few of them are really prepared. And then there is the Yamayurikai's books to go over as well. Which is the same every year, Sei-sama said last year. No trips, no treats, no fun. All of their expenses are for the rest of the school. They even bring their own tea from home, and any food is usually from the cooking clubs, or Home Ec. Classes.

Yoshino covertly studies Rei as they all get up, grateful groans resounding around the room. Rei catches her looking and smiles at her, her gentle regard swamping Yoshino, making her feel more tired. She smiles back regardless, because she does not want Rei to worry. Rei, who is perceptive to Yoshino's physical well-being, highly attuned to any disturbance in the 'Yoshino chi', picks up on it. Yoshino should have known it was foolish to try and pretend she is OK, when clearly she is not. Without asking, Rei picks up Yoshino's bag, bundling it together with her own in one hand, and she holds out the other to Yoshino. Their custom that is nearly as old as themselves. And Yoshino falls into her accustomed role before she even really has a chance to think about it. Her small hand fits easily into Rei's larger calloused one. They leave with a 'see you later' to the others, and wander out into the summer noontime, the heat and humidity like a hot damp overcoat.

They meander over to the dojo, and decide to eat at one of the benches lined against the walls of it. They sit, Yoshino feeling so drained after the short walk, is glad to sit, and ride out the effects of being sick most of her young life. She does not want to show too much weakness, however, as Fuji-San is hanging in the balance. Rei drops their bags between her feet, still holding Yoshino's hand. As she bends, Yoshino gets a fleeting essence of Rei's sweat, light and barely there. Something one would have to be very close to recognise, a smell one would have to know well to know what it is. The familiarity of it makes Yoshino happy, but it stings her, too. She wants to hug Rei, and smell deeper scents. Rei sits back, rubbing shoulders with Yoshino, the heat of her through their uniform sleeves very noticeable to Yoshino, who is hyper aware of all things Rei. When Rei begins to extricate her hand from Yoshino, probably to get their lunches, which are in Rei's bag today, Yoshino hangs on. She hangs on and leans into Rei, giving into her urge to touch her, to have Rei touch her in return, knowing Rei, no matter what, will return her physical affection. Rei rests her chin on Yoshino's head. Yoshino moves her head, sliding her face along Rei's shoulder, until her face is pressing against Rei's throat.

-I'm tired, Rei.

Yoshino says in a small voice. Rei lets go of her hand, and moves until she can put her arm around Yoshino's small shoulders, giving Yoshino her other hand to hold. This is also a custom of theirs. Rei presses Yoshino closer, allowing her body to be available to Yoshino. Yoshino grasps Rei's hand with both of hers, cradling it, playing with her long, strong fingers. She feels the hardness of Rei's hand, the strength in it, thousands of hours of swinging a shinai had done that to her hand. The same way thousands and thousands of hours of running, of sit ups and press ups, of sparring, competing with her father, her uncles, girls here and other places, had honed Rei into someone quietly amazing.

Yoshino sometimes feels very sorry for Rei. Rei essentially split herself in two. Rei does not speak of it, maybe does not even realise it, but Yoshino, in her sympathy, wonders if Rei is OK. Does Rei ever question her identity, does Rei know who she is? Yoshino, who watches Rei knit and bake and read romance novels, watches her eyes glaze over at something she finds cute, and wonders if Rei is aware of what she has done. Yoshino also feels the weight of her existence, her condition, that was imposed on Rei by Rei's mother's love for Yoshino's mother, because they were soeurs in Lillian all those years ago, and their bonds are so strong that Rei and Yoshino are what they are now. It filtered down through to the next generation. Would Rei be different if Yoshino had not existed? It is a strange thing, Yoshino wearily thinks. That this life she has came at the cost of another, except that she is still alive. That she hurt Rei so deep, that it is now a part of her, a part of her personality. Did Rei ever question the unfairness of it? Yoshino is afraid to ask. She is afraid of what the truth of it would be, should Rei ever choose to be completely honest with her.

_And now_, Yoshino ponders, her senses registering once again the feel of Rei, the smell of her, the softness of the skin of her throat, so different from that of her hand in hers, _I will add insult to injury_. Yoshino will tell Rei eventually. She will tell her cousin that she wants her. Will tell her Onee-sama that she wants to add 'lover' to the list of things that Rei is to her. And she wonders, will Rei do it to make Yoshino happy, or will she finally find the boundaries of Rei's love? Even if the answer is a long way off, and very much subject to debate anyway, Yoshino is still going to confess. Because she _is_ selfish that way. Because she truly cannot hold this all in her heart any more. Because she cannot go on like this.

VII

-What?

-I said, I'm going to college in Osaka. I'll be running the dojo one day, and I need to be ready for that. I need to study for it.

-But Osaka? Rei, no!

-It's not up to you.

And there is that tone. The tone that Yoshino obeys. Rei realised a while back that she could use it outside the dojo. The tone quells Yoshino, stops the words in her mouth.

-I'm sorry, Yoshino-chan.

Rei's tone is softer now. She reaches for Yoshino, but she is slack. _This is because of me_, she thinks. She is dying inside. There were times in her life, when dying was a real prospect, when she actually felt her health fail, her vital organ let her down. That is how she feels now. There are colleges much closer that she could go to to study physical education, but Rei chose Osaka. She will be close enough to visit on vacations without having to take a flight, but Rei will be 'away'. She feels Rei's hands on her, but she does not respond. Rei pulls her close under the katsu.

It is the winter of Yoshino's second year of high school, and the heater is lovely on an evening like this. When Yoshino was little, she used to sleep under one of these in her own house, or in Rei's, and because she was so small and weak, she would be left where she fell asleep, when Rei would be made to get up and go to bed, or do something. They were always very comfy, a place to be warm, store toys, whatever. Rei had already submitted her application, and had been provisionally accepted on recommendation. She is going. She had done all of this without telling Yoshino. Yoshino knows she has done this on purpose, has deliberately kept her in the dark. In fact, it was Sachiko-sama that Rei spoke to, confided in. This hurt to know, but in a way, Yoshino understands. It does not stop her from feeling desperately unhappy at the prospect of the next few years without Rei. Even though, this action, this move, is exactly what she could have wished for her. But of course, that was before she fell in love with her.

They are in Rei's house. It is late on a Saturday night, and the house is quiet. Rei's parents are at some function to do with the board of a charity Rei's mother is on, and they will not be back until the very early hours. Rei planned this, it occurs to Yoshino. She waited until her parents had this to do, when they would be alone. Rei pushes Yoshino onto the tatami mat. Yoshino bonelessly acquiesces, quite lost in her thoughts, but aware of Rei lying down beside her. Rei slips one arm under Yoshino's neck, and stretches the other across her belly.

-I'm sorry.

Rei whispers, repeating her apology, perhaps hoping Yoshino will say something. She pulls Yoshino closer. Yoshino feels shocky, not really paying attention. She is too busy blaming herself for Rei leaving for college. The side of her face is against Rei's throat, and she can feel the length of Rei against her own. Normally, she would be thrilling like an idiot to be in such a position, but at the moment, she is too sad to enjoy it.

-I'm so sorry, Yoshino-chan. But I have too. We...

Yoshino feels Rei swallow, still not wanting to broach the subject directly. Still does not want to say it aloud. Still does not want to talk about what happened on Fuji-San.

-...We're too close, Yoshino-chan. And it's not fair on either of us.

_Not fair. You're right, Rei. None of this is fair._ It is the last straw, and Yoshino cries. She finally turns to Rei and accepts the comfort she is offering. She presses herself hard against Rei, thinks: _to __hell with it_, and kisses Rei, kisses her hard, and takes advantage of the fact that Rei will be reluctant to push her way anywhere near as forcefully as she should. She kisses her like she kissed her on Fuji-San. She feels Rei respond like she did that night, feels the softness of Rei's lips shape to kiss her own, juxtaposing beautifully with the hardness of the body pressing against her. This time will be different, though. This time, Yoshino will not let Rei go. In a sneaky move, she rolls onto her back, and pulls Rei with her, utilising all of her strength and Rei's weight to accomplish it. She feels the full weight of Rei on her, Rei's thigh falling between her own. The sudden contact of Rei's thigh, jamming up against her groin, surprises a moan out of Yoshino, causing Rei to moan with her, which shocks them both into stillness. Then Rei breaks their kiss, and tries to push herself up.

-No. Yoshino, no.

This is not the tone of command. This is decidedly weaker. This is Rei wanting to stop this because she thinks that she should, but part of her really wants to go on. Yoshino knows Rei. She knows that while Rei was very surprised and embarrassed on Fuji-San, this is now, and they are very much alone. By Rei's own design, even if she did not have this is mind. They are alone, and Yoshino is not letting her go this time. Yoshino knows that Rei knows it. With the feel of Rei on her, her skirt riding up her thighs, the feel of Rei's jeans rubbing against her legs, even her blood feels hot in her veins. There is a rising fierceness in her, a need. Yoshino is going to force this. Rei is leaving. Her Rei is going to Osaka, of all places, and Yoshino, in the part of her mind that is not concentrating on working out how she is going to get more of Rei touching more of her, is desperate at the thought of Rei leaving. Rei wants her back. She may not have known that consciously herself before the night on Fuji-San, but she does want Yoshino back. Yoshino felt it in her response, and she can feel it in her now. But Rei is a creature of duty and discipline, and may never take that step, may never confirm that the love between them is more than kinship, that somewhere, it tipped into romantic.

-Rei, yes.

Yoshino reaches her hands down to Rei's hips, slides her hands over them, and grasps Rei's buttocks, and pulls her in, raising her own hips at the same time, pushing her own thigh into Rei. They both gasp at the sensation. Yoshino begins a rhythm against Rei, and keeps at it until Rei picks it up. The thrilling excitement that whips through her is quite unlike anything she has ever felt before, as her hips come back to the floor, as she raises her knee, and she feels Rei tighter against her. She lets go of Rei's backside, and begins to pull Rei's shirt out of her jeans, quickly unbuttoning it. Rei collapses onto her forearms by Yoshino's head, rubbing her cheek against Yoshino's. And she can hear it. Rei's want, panting and groaning softly into her ear. Yoshino brings her hands up Rei's belly, then strokes her sides, groaning at the feel of Rei's warm skin, actually touching the muscle she has seen moving in the showers. She delights at the feel of it, running her fingers over Rei's bra straps, over her breasts.

This familiar body is not so familiar right now. This could be somebody else, because this is not a familiar situation between the two of them. But it is Rei. Rei-chan. Cousin, friend, Onee-sama, protector, and right this moment, something else as well. Rei is shuddering with each stroke of Yoshino's hands. Yoshino stops, but only long enough to pull up her jumper, to get it out of the way. She is only wearing her bra underneath, as her only outside experience was running from her house to Rei's house. When she reaches around Rei's back under her shirt, when she touches the smooth planes of flesh there, she had no idea, as she pulls Rei down on top of her, she really had no idea, as Rei presses her belly against hers, that this feeling of Rei's skin on hers, her belly and breasts against her own, would be so...So...There are no words.

This familiarity is a blessing and a curse. This is Rei, her Rei, moving on top of her. Rei's warm skin, Rei's strong body. The body she held on to to learn how to walk. Yoshino does not know how long this will last. From the sound of Rei, from the feel of her pressing herself against Yoshino's hip, she seems to be enjoying it, despite her earlier protestations. Yoshino, however, has learned not to underestimate Rei's resolve on some matters. Tonight being an excellent example of it. Rei could decide at any moment that this is wrong, no matter how they feel about each other, and stop. She is more than capable. Yoshino would fight her on it, use every weapon she has at her disposal, because she loves Rei, but there is that part of her that is lost to her flesh right now, has never felt her body so alive, and to have this feeling stop. To not have Rei's gorgeous body writhing against her, to not feel Rei's hand now on her body, on her waist, her strong hand lifting her skirt out of the way, pulling it out from between them. But if Rei decides, and she really could at any moment, is Yoshino's fear, as Rei's lips are on her throat, one hand is cradling her head, the other is cupping her breast now, she really could, so Yoshino reaches down between them and places her hand on Rei's groin. He who strikes first...

Rei freezes. Yoshino holds her breath. _Too much_, she briefly thinks. But seeing as she has gone this far, and Rei feels as if she is more surprised that objecting, she may as well press on. Or in, as the case happens to be. For the first time, Yoshino feels Rei's most intimate part. She has seen it in the showers. The occasional baths. But to hold Rei like this, this frozen moment, and the two girls wonder what is going to happen next. Yoshino can feel the entirety of Rei's crotch through her jeans, even with the seam getting in the way. The heat of her, made hotter by the heater under the katsu, the hard cleft of her pubic bone and then the yielding softness beyond that. Yoshino squeezes, the feeling of Rei this way so exciting and new, she feels butterflies threatening to upset her stomach. She squeezes, feeling Rei's belly flex against her own. She squeezes, hearing Rei sigh into her ear. She squeezes, feeling Rei rub her jaw along her cheek.

-Yoshino.

Rei says, in the softest voice Yoshino has ever heard from her. Rei has never said her name this way, with this note of pleading, or resignation, or want. She says her name like it is the only name she knows, and the only one she needs to know. Yoshino can feel her imagination is getting out of hand, but she forgives herself, because this is her first time, and it is with the person she loves the most in all the world, in all her life, so she forgives herself this small indulgence, because she is a girl, and this is what girls do.

-Yes?

She manages to croak out. Her voice so hoarse she can scarcely believe it is her own. This is said in a rush, because it seems she has been holding her breath for a while.

-...

Yoshino closes her eyes as she hears Rei get ready. The intake of breath.

-Do it properly. Please.

Yoshino's eyes fly open at the request. She is not expecting this. She is expecting rejection, despite Rei's actions to the contrary. She is left wrong footed, and feeling like Rei is changing the rules half way through. Rei lifts herself just enough to get her hand to where Yoshino's is on her. For the first time since they began, they look each other in the eyes, and whatever Yoshino may be thinking, which is probably too much to begin with, goes away. Rei looks so vulnerable, Yoshino wants to cry. The emotions that whirl through her are too much, so she lets them go without analysing them. Rei is giving into her own desire for her cousin, and this is what Yoshino sees. She sees in Rei's look, what defeat looks like, what giving up and having what you want, regardless of the rightness or wrongness of it is. As Rei holds her with that look, she moves Yoshino' s hand a little out of the way, and undoes her jeans. And Yoshino feels that particular thrill of hearing a zipper being undone when one is horny. That what one is looking for is just right there. That intimacy, that comfort, that love, represented by communion of the flesh.

She feels the material loosen. She feels Rei loosen, sees it in her eyes. With her other hand, Yoshino reaches for Rei's face, letting her hand slide around her ear, stopping to trace the rim of it with her fingertips, and then to grasp the back of Rei's head, her hand holding Rei's short hair, and pulls her down for a kiss, a hard needy kiss from the both of them. _This is real_, is what goes through Yoshino's mind as she kisses Rei, as she feels Rei's tongue with her own. Rei finishes with her zipper, and her hand comes back to Yoshino's breast, and squeezes it through her bra, causing Yoshino to squeezes convulsively back anywhere she is touching Rei, which causes Rei to moan.

This is real, Yoshino thinks again, as she slides her hand into Rei's jeans. Oh god, Rei is really going to let her do this. Rei is kissing her like her life may just depend on it, and Yoshino touches Rei through her panties which are as warm as her skin, and Yoshino feels Rei closer than ever before. She gently brushes Rei with the pads of her fingers, and wonders what to do. She has an idea how Rei is put together (the same as herself) but as she moves her fingers over Rei's hard clitoris and who knew she would ever be thinking that, let alone feeling it, as she strokes her way to the waistband of Rei's underwear, she suddenly becomes nervous. Very nervous that she will do this wrong, or Rei will hate it, she is nervous and excited at the same time, and she is slowing, slowing stopping. She breaks the kiss.

-Rei...

-I'll tell you, don't worry. But please...

The soft voice again. The soft pleading tone. But being Rei, she is trying to comfort as well. Because Yoshino is her cousin, and her petite soeur, and that is Rei's job. Yoshino gets a surprise when Rei takes her hand from Yoshino's breast, trailing down Yoshino's pale slender torso, and places it between her thigh and Yoshino's groin. Her skirt had been pulled up ages ago, so Rei is right on her, quicker than a breath, than blinking. Her warm hand feels very large here, the long fingers encompassing her completely. Rei is rubbing her gently through her panties, and the feeling of that is surreal. To feel Rei do this, of all things, is mind blowing. She feels like there is thunder in her head.

Yoshino has always been aware of her body. It was the source of much frustration and anger. And while people felt pity for her, it was really for her body, and the unfortunate fact that she had to live in such a body. And indeed, she did live inside a faulty body, and when people pitied her, it made her angry. But not any more. She is not angry now. She is experiencing amazement. She is grateful. She feels her body's triumph at living long enough to feel this. Rei rubs gently on her, getting her attention. Yoshino takes a deep breath, and slides her hand into Rei's underwear, trusting them both to know what to do.

Within seconds, she can feel Rei's response to her. She is so wet, she can feel it in Rei's pubic hair. Rei drops her face to rest her chin on Yoshino's shoulder. Yoshino pushes her fingers further, until, almost by accident, she is in Rei's slit, feeling the wet length of her, and the hardness of her clit against her hand. Rei bucks against her and squeezes Yoshino hard, moaning into her ear. This galvanises Yoshino. She takes Rei's clit between her fingers and focuses on it.

-Is this...?

Yoshino asks, wanting to make sure this is where Rei wants her to be, doing what she wants her to do.

-Yeah. Yeah. Harder.

Rei whispers to Yoshino, as she fumbles with Yoshino's panties, clearing wanting them to do this together. Like everything else. Growing up together. Laughing together. Fighting, going to school, Yamayurikai, Kendo. Rei's ever present body to rely on, as they walked together to school, to the Rose Mansion, to their friends, their lives together. Rei's fingers are finally inside her underwear, on her now, rubbing gently but insistently. Yoshino digs her fingers into Rei's neck at the feeling of her touching her like this, and thinks it will not take much...

-To the left, Rei. No, no, your left. Oh god!

Rei hits just the right spot and Yoshino cries out, as a zing of desire forces her eyes shut and colours to explode behind the lids. Rei's other hand is also gripping the back of Yoshino's neck, and they are kissing again, moaning into each other, and it is deep kiss. So deep they nearly forget what their fingers are doing to each other. It is a kiss to end or begin things, that is how it feels. It could be a prologue or an epilogue. It could, fearfully, be a coda to their particular piece. They break this kiss at the same time, and look at each other, and their fingers are still moving on each other. And Yoshino gets the intensity she longed for, that almost distracted passion that Rei shows during the execution of her art. It is Rei's commitment. It is Rei's passion, and it is all for her. And for the first time in her life, she is a little afraid of Rei. Afraid that she will not survive this, in some fundamental way, or that Rei will not. That they will be changed. But is that not what she wanted for the both of them? Now that the moment is at hand, she is a little afraid.

They look deeply into each other as they pleasure each other. There is no gentleness in Rei as she looks at her, and Yoshino sees her reflection in Rei's eyes. She cannot remember a time when she looked at Rei so closely, cannot remember a time when Rei looked like a stranger. For the briefest of moments, Yoshino does not feel safe with Rei. That this room, this place, this moment, this person who is touching her, is not safe, and that it is a little late too be thinking that now. There is a sudden stillness between them. Yoshino, who's emotion had carried her this far, is suddenly draining away, and she is hit by the enormity and importance of what she is doing with Rei. Rei twitches her fingers against Yoshino's clit, moving them slowly and sensuously through her wetness, her ready body, open for Rei, should Rei wish to take it. Something else then takes the place of that fear. The intensity blinks out, and Rei is back. Gentle kind Rei, the Rei who is known to Yoshino, and Yoshino feels the tendrils of her fear melting away under this familiar gaze.

-Don't stop, Yoshino. It's OK.

Her voice betrays her need. Yoshino takes her at her word, and begins massaging Rei again, finding the place Rei likes best, and Rei returns the pressure on Yoshino. They kiss again. And again. And again. This love, particular to the both of them, fills the air around them, makes it shimmer like heat, like a mirage. It fills them as they reach for each other. They make love in a rush, with their voices low, just in case, with their clothes mostly on. When Yoshino urges Rei inside her, Rei refuses. When Yoshino wants to enter Rei, she also refuses this.

VIII

Yoshino is saying goodbye to Rei. Rei has decided to move to Osaka during spring break, just before Yoshino begins her third year at Lillian. Yoshino is holding Rei to her. They are in Rei's room, which already feels lifeless. Yoshino, now when it comes down to it, thought she would have more time with her. But time is as relentless in its march as it is slippery in consistency, and Rei will be on a train tomorrow. Yoshino will not see her for months. Dread, bereavement and relief are causing a queezy mixture inside of her. She will miss Rei like a limb, a very important limb, and she is already grieving. Now that she thinks about it, she probably started grieving the night Rei told her she was to go away for college. But part of her is also quite relieved that Rei is going. Yoshino is mature enough to accept this part too.

Things were not always smooth between them since they became lovers. They fought before, of course they did, but their disagreements are different now. There is more of an edge to them. They have both gone deeper into each others emotions, and their arguments can become nasty, now, but thankfully, they are rare. But something major has changed in them regarding each other, and Yoshino is quite sure that it is not a good thing. There is a step that Rei refuses to take with Yoshino. She holds back, during this addictive pastime they discovered, time and time again what sometimes Yoshino screams for.

After many months and many heated hours together, both in each others beds, in the Hasekura dojo, in the bathroom, other places, both naked and clothed, Yoshino is still a virgin. Rei would not, and probably never will be, the one to do that for her. Yoshino has tried force, guile and begging, all to no avail. Rei will not do it, nor will she give her virginity to Yoshino. And she will not talk about it. She is not shy in other areas, like where she wants to be touched, when she wants to be touched, she is as free with Yoshino with her body as she ever was. As open as Rei can be regarding the sexual side of their relationship. But she will not speak of this. She will not broach it, will not discuss it, and certainly will not do it. It has gotten to the point where she will not argue with Yoshino, or even give her silence on the subject should Yoshino bring it up. All she says now is 'sorry'. All she has left to give Yoshino is her apologies. And Yoshino is learning to let it go. Especially as Rei is leaving.

But they have done everything else they could think of. Yoshino, holding Rei's hard body to hers now, begins warming up as she reminisces. She thinks about a few days ago on this bed, she came hard against Rei's mouth, silently shouting her name, making a huge effort to be quiet because they were not alone in the house this time. She then in low ragged tones, begged Rei for more, to please, please touch her inside. And again, Rei had not. Instead, she slid herself up Yoshino's body, licking and kissing her damp skin, up her belly, over her breasts, her shoulders, her neck, making Yoshino squirm in pleasure and a type of ecstasy that is par for the course when loving Rei this way. She allowed Yoshino to roll her and straddle her, to press her aching wetness against Rei's. With Rei's warm hard hands on Yoshino's hips, Rei's raised to meet hers, she rocked against Rei until she came again. She had collapsed against Rei, emotional, asking _why not_?

Yoshino feels some embarrassment over it now. But Rei, she reasons, has seen all sides of her. So there is no real reason for embarrassment. Or shame, for that matter. Yet she does feel it. Yoshino sinks deeper into her thoughts. She does feel a type of shame. And it is a bitter thing, this. There is an anger growing in her, and its fuel is this shame. She knows it, and she also knows that Rei can feel it in her. They do not speak of it, not any more at any rate, but it sits there, like and elephant in any room that they are in. Up until about a month before graduation, Yoshino had become relentless with Rei regarding her virginity. As relentless as time that is making its slippery way into the future, and the thought of Rei leaving her, of not being an everyday part of her life had made Yoshino mean. Had made her demanding. Had made her desperate. She had seen and heard herself do and say things to her beloved cousin, that made her feel like she was watching somebody else. That it could not possibly be her. Not Yoshino who loves Rei.

Whenever they were alone, Yoshino would let her desire for Rei be known in no uncertain terms. And Rei, whether she wanted to or not, would capitulate, and give Yoshino everything she could. Rei's endurance is just what Yoshino thought it would be, and was delighted that Rei never seemed to get tired. She pulls Rei to her now, and kisses her forehead, tenderness sweeping through her, and she gears up to say sorry for being such a bitch. They have discovered so much together, that Yoshino cannot seriously take against Rei. Rei will not do that one thing, and Yoshino just has to accept it. She has lost perspective on it, this she knows. Her virginity has become a much larger issue that it ever should. But Rei is the one she really wanted to do this with. The one she loves and trusts the most in this world. She wants to do everything with her. But Rei does not want to do this with her. Which hurts.

They lie quietly on Rei's bed, breathing together. There are no tears now. There were, but they have have had time to dry. They will see each other in a few months. Yoshino is entering a very busy period of her school life, and Rei has assured her that time passes very quickly in such a state. The subject of Arima Nana has come up. It is something that Rei discussed once, when she met Nana. She has let Yoshino know that she likes her choice. But she hushes Yoshino any time she brings Nana up. Apparently, the way Rei feels about the future relationship between Yoshino and Nana is complex and delicate, and typically, that is as much Rei will say on the matter. Yoshino is looking forward to getting to know Nana, especially after the thing with Rei's omiai, how Nana followed her. Though Yoshino knows enough already about Nana to know that Nana had her own reasons for going along with her. What those reasons are is what is making spending time with the intriguing Arima Nana, hopefully future Rosa Foetida en bouton, really something to look forward to. Even if she decides, on entering high school, she finds she does not want the responsibility of such a role, Yoshino wants to know her anyway. Something that is as interesting to Yoshino as the secrets hidden by Nana's smile.

Rei cuddles Yoshino closer to her. Yoshino wiggles even closer to Rei, stroking Rei's hair, enjoying the weight of Rei's head on her chest, and thinks back to a couple of weeks ago, when Rei had surprised her in this bedroom. Had pulled Yoshino into a mind numbingly passionate kiss, and then turning her, had bent her over the table, still covered in her text books and papers, pushing as many of them out of the way and onto the floor in her rush to have Yoshino. Rei had pulled Yoshino's uniform out of the way, pushing the skirt up her hips, and pulled down her underwear to mid thigh. Yoshino thought she would come just from the rough actions of Rei, who she has gotten used to since winter, gotten used to Rei being so careful with Yoshino, and always asking her if she is OK, is she hurting her. This was a new side to Rei, and Yoshino loved it. She stretched across the table, and grasped the edge with both hands. Rei used her fingers on her, to slide through her slit, to touch her clitoris, exciting Yoshino, making her so wet, she could feel it already on her thighs. Rei paused then, paused at the place that is causing so much anxiety in Yoshino. And Yoshino wondered: _is it now? Finally, is it now?_ Rei paused long enough there, her fingers rubbing against her entrance, that Yoshino looked over her shoulder at Rei, who looked up from what she was doing to meet her gaze. As they looked at each other, Yoshino pushed herself against Rei's fingers, wanting Rei to bury herself deep in Yoshino, make this anxiety go away, like she has done with every other kind in Yoshino's life.

But it had not been the time. She had looked at Rei, and Rei had looked back. What flowed between them was indescribable. Yoshino, with her ordinary human lexicon, could only poorly place it akin to sadness, but is it was something else. Something as complicated as them. Still looking at her, Rei dipped her fingertips down to Yoshino's clitoris, and Yoshino's disappointment was briefly swept away in an orgasm so powerful, it left her sweating and clutching the other side of the table in a death grip, biting her own arm in an attempt to stay quiet. Rei pulled Yoshino's panties up, and pulled her skirt down, then lightly lay against her back as Yoshino calmed down.

-I'm sorry.

Yoshino surfaces into confusion. She is not sure if it is her memory Rei speaking, or the Rei beside her, who is wrapping her in strong arms.

-I'm so sorry, Yoshino.

The vibration of Rei's voice on her chest, and Yoshino is really back in the here and now. She feels that sadness, that shame and resulting anger, and suddenly she is so very tired. She wants Rei to have the nice Yoshino. Rei is leaving, and it is a huge wrench, for the both of them.

-I know. I'm sorry too. For a lot of things.

And she is. She is so sorry that this will not work. So sorry that there are some things that are probably not meant to. She is sorry too, for the sadness and anger. Sorry for the shame that has managed to infect her interactions with Rei. Sorry that the feelings they have will have to be put away. That they will wrap them up, layer after layer, and they will push them. They will push them down in their many protective layers. Push and push, until they are a part of their bedrock. Necessary and present, but easily ignored, easily forgotten.

IX

Rosa Foetida sits in the Rose Mansion, watching Yumi, current and surprisingly formidable Rosa Chinensis, tease her en bouton. The long chased, yearned for, Matsudaira Touko, who Yumi finally managed to win over near the end of last year. To say that Yumi is pleased to have Touko as her petite soeur is like saying that the Eiffel Tower _is_ rather tall, is is not? Yoshino smiles to herself over Yumi's antics. For Yumi's sake, she is glad that Yumi's girlfriend, the infamous Satou Sei, former Rosa Gigantea, is not here to see this. Yumi, just like her Onee-sama, seems incapable of keeping her hands off her petite soeur. She is more humorous than Sachiko, yet she still manages to do things that would cause even Sei to raise an eyebrow. While Yoshino knows that Yumi means no harm to Touko-chan, Yoshino knows how quickly feelings can build, and feels bad for Touko-chan, because those feelings, which Yoshino can already see in the girl, can never go anywhere. In a way, it reminds her of Chisato-san. When Chisato-san found her card in the second Valentines Day treasure hunt, they had a very long and heart felt conversation about a lot of things on their half date, which actually went on a lot longer, and Yoshino ended up inviting her back to the house for tea and cake.

Watching Yumi interact with Touko-chan, Yoshino forces herself to relax, thinking that Yumi knows how to handle this situation. She is just having fun with Touko-chan, and Touko-chan more than likely knows the score. Yumi has told her about Sei, and that was a 'just in case' conversation, as she said to Yoshino later. Yumi at the moment, is slowly untying Touko's ribbons, releasing the drills, pissing off Touko. Touko often scolds Yumi like Touko is the upperclassman, not the other way 'round. But unlike in the past, Yoshino notices, there is a slight blush prettily colouring Touko's cheeks, and her voice holds a note of defeat in it. Yumi slowly pulls out the other ribbon, clearly enjoying what she is doing far too much, but thankfully, there is only family here to see Yumi flirtatiously play with her petite soeur. She is never like this in public. Touko complains again, still not seriously making Yumi stop, which she could do, but as clearly as Yumi is enjoying this, so is Touko. Yumi flashes Touko a brilliant smile and blows her a kiss, which effectively shuts Touko up, and her blush to bloom full force into life. Yoshino catches Yumi's eyes, and smiles at her, asking her in a way only close friends can communicate, _what they hell do you think you are doing to the poor girl?_ Rosa Chinensis just laughs, and flashes that smile at Yoshino also, who is not quite as immune to the Yumi charm as much as she would like to be, despite knowing Yumi as well as she does. _Nana_, Yumi smiles back, flicking her gaze to Yoshino's petite soeur. Yumi reaches out a hand, and strokes Touko's head, twining her curls in her fingers.

It is lunch time, it is summer, and the rainy season is upon them. The Sports Festival is not long over, and there is a lull in Yamayurikai activities for a couple of weeks, which is nice. Yumi had suggested they stay in the classroom rather than get wet again that day, but Yoshino had insisted that they come here for lunch. Because she wants to spend time with Nana, who is causing much contemplation in Yoshino. While Yumi and Touko play verbal tag with each other, Nana has her hand on Yoshino's thigh under the table. This is not the first time Nana has made her desire for her Onee-sama known, but it is the most overt so far. Rosa Foetida is getting a little hot under her sailor collar. The rain falls outside, monotonously hissing outside the windows. Yoshino thinks she would like to be in bed listening to it. Just as she thinks of bed, Nana inches her hand further up Yoshino's thigh, stopping just at the juncture of her groin. Yoshino feels that familiar stirring in her, that delightful agitation that comes from Nana's world overlapping hers. She is very turned on by Nana right now, Nana's intention, she is sure, and resolves before the rainy season of summer is over, she will be listening to the rain fall in bed with Nana.

X

Yoshino graduated and now attends Lillian college. She is studying Japanese History. Yoshino likes history, because she likes wars, likes tactics. Likes big things that change the world. She unfortunately left Nana in a predicament, having made her an en bouton in her first year, so that in her second she became a Rosa, just like Shimako, but Yoshino is confident that Touko and Noriko will look after her. Noriko has two years as an en bouton to fall back on, and Touko, in between all of Yumi's teasing, was very well trained by her Onee-sama. According to Nana, both of the girls are very supportive, especially Touko, who is the most knowledgeable. Yoshino is not surprised by that, as Yumi was coached by two Rosas, and managed to pull off some rather marvellous things as a result, and passed all of that onto her darling Touko. And this year, the Yamayurikai should have nine members, which has not happened in a while.

Yoshino, sitting in her room with her terrifying large reading list, some of which is piled up beside her, laughs to herself, thinking of the Yamayurikai. Yumi, Shimako and herself had resurrected the joke played on them by Satou Sei years ago, by letting their petite soeurs know that a farewell pageant was in order. Nana had dressed in the approximation of a samurai, samurai light, if you will, with an actual sword. She had looked very sexy, and it had taken all of Yoshino's patience to wait until she could take her home. She smiles at the memory. And now Nana is very busy with her second year. She is Rosa Foetida, something Yoshino apologised for doing to Nana before she left. She has her own petite soeur to concern her. Their time together is brief and frenzied. They have made no promises to each other, there has been no talk of fidelity, but this suits them. Yoshino feels free, and feels like she is not holding Nana against her will. Time with Rei, watching other people's relationships, they made her cautious. She would rather love freely be given, than to be a sense of duty because a line has been crossed. So she holds Nana to no word, and Nana does the same with her.

But Yoshino is not lonely. Rei comes home on every vacation, and sometimes just for the weekend. The physical distance between Osaka and Tokyo did them a lot of good. Rei will always be Yoshino's favourite person, will always cause her heart to flutter, fills her with happiness when she sees her, but the edgy heat that came with the change in their relationship, is slowly dissipating.

The first time Rei came home on a break, Yoshino was happy and angry. They had spoken to each other a lot since Rei moved away, but the Rei-shaped hole in her life was left unfilled. It gaped like a wound, and sometimes Yoshino was very angry and very sad. But just like Rei had promised, with her busy life and Nana's presence, time had passed quickly, and the edges of the wound were not so jagged. So the first college break had come and Yoshino was woken up by Rei shaking her gently. Rei was there, sitting on her bed, her gentle Rei face a very welcome surprise. Yoshino sat up quickly and hugged her, to make sure she was real, part of her not really caring if she was not, because if she was not, it was still the best dream she has ever had. The smell of outside was still on Rei, and her skin was cool, and her long arms wound around Yoshino, and yes, Rei was very real. Yoshino cried, happy to have Rei back with her. With her face against Rei's throat, the smell of Rei curling through her senses again, she had cried.

Rei had stayed the week, and they spent a lot of that week together. The need to touch was strong, but not so much that they acted on it. It was in the air, but the time apart had formed it into something else, something that could be ignored. There were times, during that week, that they looked at each other, and the memory of what they did, the potential of what they could do together, blatantly sat between them, balancing on the bonds of their love and regard for each other. Yoshino felt that twitch in her groin, something fluttered in her belly, and there was a spark. It gave off a little smoke, a few small flames licked at her. Rei had that look, the look that Yoshino had loved to see on her face, that told her that Rei felt it too, that if pushed, they could do those things again. But they left it. They left it alone.

It was around this time that Nana began to make her feelings known to Yoshino. Nana had the decency to wait until Rei had gone back to college before she began her campaign to woo Yoshino. Simultaneously demanding and submissive, she played Yoshino like an instrument. And Yoshino let her. She enjoyed this game; enjoyed being wanted and desired. And she thought that Nana would have made a fabulous courtesan, had they lived in a different period: the light and consistent touching, the gently flirtatious conversation, where Yoshino could not tell if Nana was being serious or not. Nana was quite the master of this. Where Nana learned to do this, Yoshino has no idea, but wherever she did, she learned well, and Yoshino was reaping the benefits of it.

It was during the summer of Yoshino's final year that Nana and she first slept together, but it was a long time coming. It was the rainy season, and Nana had decided to push the boat out and go for broke, and lots of other clichés one could use to describe what happened between them. Some things are just so amazing, that one falls back on clichés, in order to try an describe, even to oneself, what happens when one person sees another and wants them. Wants to say yes to anything the other has to say. While they were in the Rose Mansion with Yumi and Touko, while the other two were preoccupied with each other, Nana placed her hand on Yoshino's thigh under the table. It was a deliberate strike. There was no way to misconstrue this action. Nana seriously and quietly made her play. This unambiguous statement of intent only briefly surprised Yoshino, who had been expecting something to occur, just much later. The rest of her had been glad and excited. Her own play had paid off.

With Nana, she had been the complete opposite of how she behaved with Rei. She had been reserved and undemonstrative. It had nearly killed her, but she had maintained a façade of near indifference in the instances where Nana was deliberately being provocative, in the face of Nana's increasing advances. She had let Nana be the aggressor, so when Nana placed her hand on Yoshino's thigh that rainy Wednesday and slowly crept higher, Yoshino had what she wanted. What she had wanted was all doubt removed from the equation of Yoshino and Nana. What Yoshino did not want, was to go through what she did with Rei. What she wanted was for Nana, and herself for that matter, to be sure. To fully commit themselves, to be no room for maybe, that this flirting would lead to something, that some action would have to be taken. And it was.

By Saturday morning of that same week , a sufficient amount of tension had built up between them, that they were having trouble even holding a normal conversation. Making words was hard because it drew Yoshino's attention to Nana's lips, and her façade had crumbled when she accepted Nana's advances. Since the day Nana had placed her hand on Yoshino, and Yoshino had not only allowed it, she had encouraged it, they contrived, in a wordless understanding, to find ways to explore this new facet of their relationship, without going too far just yet. Despite her gladness, Yoshino was understandably nervous. Apprehensive about doing things with Nana she had only done with Rei. Also, with Nana, there was a good chance that she will approach the subject of Yoshino's virginity with a very different objective in mind.

All of this and more caused elaborate bouquets of balloons to be set free in her belly whenever Nana was near her. She felt elated and full, turned on and feverish. Sometimes, should they be alone during the course of that week, Yoshino would hug Nana to her, always from behind, surprising Nana. Nana in turn, would hold Yoshino's hand, or touch the nape of her neck, exposed as it was by her twin braids that Yoshino still habitually wore. On the Friday, they were the first to arrive at the Mansion after school. Yoshino had watched Nana make tea and then sit down beside her. She had moved her chair closer to Yoshino's and pulled some of the ever present paperwork toward her. Even though there was a lull in the work, it did not mean it had stopped completely. Bureaucracy is a speciality of the Japanese, Yoshino felt. She did not look at Yoshino as she did these things, though she was aware that Yoshino was watching her. Yoshino could tell by how hard she was trying not to react to Yoshino. It was also very exciting, for some reason, that Nana was not looking at her. While not looking, she put her hand once again on Yoshino's thigh, but instead of resting it there, with her fingers, she began to gather up the material of Yoshino's light summer uniform.

Nana pulled it higher and higher. Yoshino gripped the arms of her chair, fascinated by the effects of Nana's actions. Her legs shook and she could feel a bead of sweat slowly trickle down her face. She felt hot, and that spark, the one she knew so well, began to smoulder. She wanted to take Nana's hand and put it where she wanted it most, but perversely, she was loving the tease of Nana's hand getting closer to her skin. The more she paid attention to it, the more she noticed about Nana. Nana's hand trembled slightly, as her other hand leafed through the pages of some request in a distracted fashion. Nana's breathing was not steady. But she persisted. She did not back down, and Yoshino loved her for it. In one glorious and ecstatic moment, Yoshino felt love, pure and brilliant, burst across her inner landscape. Nana was so nervous that she was shaking, but she had pursued her goal with a single mindedness that Yoshino admired greatly. Nana, two years her junior. Nana, with the enigmatic eyes and mysterious smile. Nana, with the bravery to push this relationship into something scary and new.

Nana slowly pulled up the material, and then she was on Yoshino's skin. Her hand, warm and a little clammy, rested on the bare skin of Yoshino's thigh. They both held their breath. There was no sound but that of the rain, pouring from the heavens, pouring steady and sure upon the Rose Mansion, that sheltered the two girls who had just answered a very profound question for that age.

_Do you want me?_

_Yes. Yes, I do._

Yoshino placed her own hand on the back of Nana's, and slowly stretched out her fingers over Nana's. Yoshino remembered to breath, and when she did, it was ragged. She held herself very still, because if she did not, she might do something embarrassing. She settled for holding Nana's hand against the tender skin of her thigh. They left their hands like that even when the others came in. Nana had to take her hand back to attend to other matters, but when she came back, it was returned. And Yoshino would stretch her fingers over Nana's again, and think of those fingers touching her. She thought of them of vividly that she began to move her fingers on the back of Nana's hand, sliding them between her fingers, and massaging the soft webbing between them. This caused Nana to shift in her seat and tighten her grip on Yoshino's leg. Nana's hand was hard, like Rei's, and as strong, and Yoshino thrilled to the feel of that thoughtless strength, the subtle play of muscles in Nana's hand. The texture of the calloused skin of Nana's palm against the soft skin of her thigh had Yoshino a little delirious.

And they said goodbye like normal when the meeting was over. Apart from some knowing, heated glances, they made no comment on what happened between them on the walk from the Mansion to the gates, where Nana would catch her bus, and Yoshino would turn the other way to walk home.

The next day was very different. As if by instinct, their wordless understanding, they were both very early to the Rose Mansion. And there was no doubt at all what was on their minds. As soon as Yoshino opened the door, Nana was there. She took Yoshino by the hand and pulled her into the room, and shut the door behind her, and then Nana was holding her, her arms around her slim waist. Her deceptively substantial body pressed into Yoshino's. Yoshino dropped her bag and umbrella, feeling the splash of the latter against her leg as it hit the floor. She put her arms around Nana's shoulders, and pulled her as close as she could. The height difference was not so great between them, Nana only having an inch or so on Yoshino. Nana moved her, using her body to push Yoshino against the closed door, emphasising the contact of Nana's body against hers, her breasts against Yoshino's, her legs, her torso.

She felt the door against her back and the pressure of Nana was harder against her. She could feel Nana's pelvis hard against her own, and Yoshino felt the strength of her legs go, only Nana and the door held her up. Then Nana's lips were on hers, and Yoshino felt the world fall away. She answered Nana's kiss with her own. She opened her mouth and Nana needed no prompting. Their tongues met, and the moan that Yoshino had been restraining since the day before finally was released. She moaned and dug her nails into Nana's shoulders. Nana moved her hands to Yoshino's hips, and then dropped them, to start gathering up her skirt, her fingers trailing over the skin that is quickly exposed, leaving it tingling in their wake.

There was no tease in this. That was done, and now they were here. There were no gentle words of love or affection or reassurance. On that wet Saturday morning, they were done with games, and left them for later, if that was what they wanted. But at that point, they had taken a step beyond it, and just wanted to touch each other. It was that simple, and Yoshino was so horny and finally allowed to do something about that with someone who wants the same thing. She let her hands fall from Nana's shoulders, ran them down the strong planes of Nana's back, stopped to cup her backside, before grasping Nana's skirt, and matching her in speed for pulling it up. They slid their fingers into each others underwear at nearly the same time. When Yoshino felt Nana's fingers on her for the first time it was a shock. She froze. Nana stopped kissing her and leaned back. Yoshino looked at her, and saw the question there.

-Only Rei...

Yoshino began, her voice barely a whisper.

-I know.

Nana sounded resigned.

-I know there is no part of you that Rei is not.

That statement held a sense of wonder in it, and something that approached sadness. It was very distant, and if Yoshino were not already in the habit of paying attention to all things Nana, she would have missed it. She did not. Nana still looked like she was game for this, but the tone of voice upset Yoshino. She has never had any wish to disregard her petite soeurs feelings, no matter what games they played with each other. What they have is very real, what Nana feels is very real, and Yoshino did her best to be the senior. To be the older one, that Nana needed her to be. And there was also something she could give Nana, something special, that would prove the seriousness of Yoshino's actions. She reached up her free hand and cradled Nana's face, and made her look at her.

-Yes, there is a part of me that Rei has not touched.

Nana's eyes narrowed in question, her face a picture of confused enquiry. Yoshino slid her hand around Nana's face until she could hold the back of her head, and gently pull her down. Pulled her down until Yoshino could whisper in her ear.

-Inside me, Nana. Rei never touched inside me.

Nana pulled her head back quickly to meet Yoshino's eyes.

-What?

-Would I lie about that?

-No, no, you wouldn't, of course not, but...

-Nana, it's a bit strange to talk about this now. Can we have this conversation later?

-Yes, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Nana began to pull her hand away from Yoshino's crotch, but Yoshino dropped her hand from Nana's head and stopped her, held onto her forearm.

-No, don't, please.

Yoshino's voice is hoarse and she nearly panicked at the thought of Nana leaving her like this. With her own hand she stroked Nana, who was soft and wet. She stroked the length of her slit that she could reach from this position, drew her fingers through her wetness, Nana's pubic hair rough against her palm. Nana stood stock still, and her eyes expressed surprise and lust in equal measures. The surprise melted away under the lust, and the intensity of Nana went up a few levels, which sent nervous flutters through Yoshino. _This is not Rei_, she briefly thought. _This really is not safe_. With her fingertips, she found Nana's hard clitoris, and Nana let her feelings on that be known. She took her hand off Yoshino's hip and placed it on the door beside Yoshino's head. She leaned forward until her chin rested on Yoshino's shoulder. Yoshino massaged her a little harder, finding her way around Nana, and Nana cried her name into her ear. It was a voice she never heard from her petite soeur. It was low and rough, as if Nana had pulled it out from somewhere deep inside.

Yoshino let go of Nana's arm and reached up to grab the back of Nana's neck. She slid her fingers into her hair until she could hold the shape of Nana's skull in her hand, and held onto her. She rubbed Nana's clit, felt the wetness of Nana that was all for her, and she wanted to be somewhere else, where she could be naked with Nana, somewhere private, where they did not have to rush, and she could writhe against Nana, and give her everything she has to give. Her pretty and enigmatic Nana. She felt her own hand as it moved on Nana. That was when Nana remembered where her own hand was. She moved her fingers on Yoshino. Yoshino cried out, and squeezed her hand on Nana's head. She slowly began to slide down the door as Nana touched her, and Nana went with her, until they were both on their knees. Yoshino spread her knees and hung onto Nana while they brought pleasure to each others bodies, and satisfied something less definable in themselves. They moaned their need into each others ears, breathing hard and rough, their movements on each other matched stroke for stroke. Yoshino felt her legs begin to twitch, the muscles there knowing what what going to happen. She felt her orgasm approach, unable to hold back. She began to cry louder and more frequently, she grasped Nana tighter. She had dropped her hand from Nana's head so she could wrap her arm around Nana's strong shoulders.

-Wait...not yet...

Nana whispered to her, not changing her rhythm at all.

-I can't...Nana...please...

-Please wait, god, please wait...

Nana was pleading, and Yoshino upped the speed and pressure on Nana, a thoughtless gesture on her part that spoke only of her own need driving her. She was losing it fast, when she felt Nana's movements become more like her own, and she felt Nana tense, felt the wet heat of Nana in her hand increase. Yoshino let go and came, trusting herself and Nana to carry them all the way through. She came crying Nana's name, offering up to who knows what, while the sky continued to spill its libations on the earth. She came, bucking against Nana. Nana came seconds later. She pulled back and met Yoshino in a savage kiss. Yoshino took her hand out of Nana's underwear and pushed her, pushed Nana until she landed heavily on her back. They never broke their kiss. Nana pulled her hand from Yoshino, none too gently, and held Yoshino to her as she fell, and took Yoshino with her. She grasped Yoshino's backside, cupping it, and dragged her onto her thigh, rucking up her uniform again in the process, and allowed Yoshino to rub against her almost violently, as they kissed, as Yoshino found she wanted more, right away, she wanted more of Nana. But this was not the place. They stopped kissing as abruptly as they started. Yoshino lay on Nana, breathing hard, but she began to calm down. That wet Saturday morning, that room, quietly filled with the sound of rain and light breathless laughter.

XI

That was then, and this is now. Yoshino sighs at the memory. Of all the the times she and Nana made love consequently, that is still the most memorable. Even though that afternoon saw the end, finally of Yoshino's virginal state (turned out not to be that big of a deal) that morning in the Rose Mansion is always the first thing she thinks of when she thinks of Nana. And now, she does not wear that uniform any more. She is in college and no longer Rosa Foetida, but she still gets called that from time to time. Sachiko is just a year ahead of her, and Sei is two years ahead of her, and she spends lunch times and free periods with either or both of them when they match up. Yumi got into the University of Tokyo on her first try, and after her initial two years, she will be pursuing a degree in Political Science, of all things. Sneaky Yumi had maintained her silence on what she was doing, and Yoshino was shocked when she announced it. Quite aside from the fact that she managed to get in, competing nationally with so many other high schoolers, and people applying for the second or third time in some cases, but over the thought that Yumi did not want to got to college with Sachiko and Sei. Yoshino rarely sees Yumi any more, but they call each other a lot. Sometimes Yumi is a very welcome surprise on campus. Yoshino really misses her, though. Misses her humour and her kindness, misses Yumi making fun of her, misses her face, misses her just being around. If Yoshino was asked what she misses most about high school, she would answer: the Yamayurikai. She would answer: her friends. She would answer: Yumi.

Rei is still pursuing physical education in Osaka, and loves the city. Yoshino has a sneaking suspicion, that Rei may want to stay there. Which would be weird. If one is from Tokyo, one does not voluntarily move out of Tokyo, unless it is for a very good reason, and one is always planning to come back to Tokyo. But Rei will go her own way. She wants to run the dojo one day, which is why she is studying P.E. in the first place, so she will be back. They are also back to being friends. Which is better than Yoshino ever hoped for. They are friends and cousins, and their love is strong. But it is not more than that now. Probably by virtue of being related, and knowing each other as well as they do, it did not take them too long to grow back to what they were to each other. Nana helped, though Nana does not know that. Nana gave Yoshino something else to focus on. She still does. Funny, clever Nana, who always gives Yoshino a run for her money.

Shimako gave up on being a nun, but is studying theology instead. She went to England to do it, and broke Noriko's heart in the process. Yoshino maintains that Shimako is trying to escape from running the temple, that if she goes, her father has no choice but to ask her older brother to do it. Yumi disagrees. She says that Shimako cannot take up such a position if she is not clear in her heart about who she is and what she wants. That she has to be away from all of her connections, from all the people who know her, and require something from her. She has to form her own life. Considering Shimako only stays in touch because her friends make her, Yumi may have a point, and she knows her better than Yoshino. She even lived with her for a while, when Yumi and Sei went through a rough patch. Yoshino also misses Shimako. Misses funny, sweet Shimako, with the killer come backs said in such a gentle voice. She still struggles to think that Shimako made a lewd suggestion to Yumi, even as a joke. But Yumi _does_ know her better...

It is nearly Christmas of her first year of college. Life is good, if hectic. Yoshino stretches out, working the kinks out of her back. The amount of reading she has to do is staggering, but it serves her right for picking history, a literary subject, but it is still taking some getting used to. She has assignments and projects due, has exams to sit. She thinks about the captain of the basketball team, who happens to be on her course, and the way she smiled at her the other day. Yes, Yoshino laughs to herself. Life is indeed good. Her procrastination nearly at an end, she sorts her books and photocopies into appropriate piles, and starts in.

End

A/N

Sorry I took so long.


	7. Photographs

7. One's Times

6. Photographs

A

Both Yoshino and Yumi asked Shimako why she decided to go to England to study Theology. A lot of people asked Shimako why she went to England. Why she chose to go so far away. The only person who did not ask her why was Sei. But that was to be expected. She never had to explain herself to her Onee-sama. It was one of the reasons why they were soeurs. She had discussed her decision with Sei, when the idea presented itself during her second year, that she might want to go abroad to study. That a few months after meeting Noriko, she began to think it might be a good idea to leave. She left that part out when discussing this with Sei, but her reason for leaving was emotional, Shimako knew it at the time, and she knows it still. That was what she explored with Sei when she spoke about her decision. Sei did not ask her for details, comfortably staying with generalities. She knew, of course she knew, but Sei always lets Shimako set the type of conversation they have, and if Shimako does not want to say the exact reasons why, then that is fine with Sei too.

Her emotions are something that she has tried so hard to control since she was young. Considering it, she may have supressed them. But this action, repeated and confirmed through knowing and unknowing action, again and again over the years of her conscious life, have managed to give Shimako a sense of autonomy. She is a nation unto herself, and she likes it, if that is the right way to think of it. Considering also the tumult of others around her, all through school, what others spoke of, how they reacted to what life presented to them, Shimako genuinely has felt apart from it. She passed through her life, touching off it. Even when issues arose with her brother, or her parents, both sets, she could glide away. Now that she thinks of it, it could be said that it was a bit lonely. But Shimako likes the quiet. She likes calm. And, in a way, this is how she felt, until she came to Lillian.

When Shimako decided she wanted to be a nun, the man she thought to be her father suggested she attend a catholic school, and find out if that was true. If she really wanted this, it would sadden him, but he would support her, knowing that there were deeper reasons for her desire. He encouraged her to explore the path she wished to choose, and Lillian was selected as one of the last catholic schools left in the Kanto region, as no one wished for Shimako to go too far away. She had thought that she already knew how she would feel after three years of Lillian. This left Shimako completely unprepared for what actually happened in those three years. How in the first few months of her time in the school with the beautiful grounds, she would fall into a kind of love. And then in her second year, she would do it again.

Shimako, current resident of London, constant resident of herself, sits in her shared apartment, and gazes out at the rain. She is Japanese and no stranger to rain, but this is unfamiliar rain. She is indulging a pang of loneliness so profound that there is a physical ache in her chest, and not for the first time, since the novelty of living abroad wore off, she wonders if she made a mistake. No matter how hard she tries, the essence of Lillian, the memories of what happened there, the people she met will not leave her. They are a part of her. They somehow became a crucial component of her, and she can no more leave them behind that she can herself. Her nation of one has multiplied. She snorts at the imagery. Time, she thinks. She just needs more time to adjust. She reasons that she will not always feel this way that this is just a moment, and it will pass.

Shimako unfolds herself from her position by the window and goes to the rickety wardrobe on the other side of her room. Standing on the end of her single bed, she pulls her backpack from on top and drops it on the floor. Hopping down, she eases onto carpet the colour of wasabi, and rummages around inside of it. What she is searching for is her photo album that she put together, with some help, before she left Japan. The majority of the pictures are from Tsutako-san, but others contributed. One day, Shimako paid her first and only visit to the photography club, and humbly requested anything that Tsutako-san had of her friends. Of which the ace had plenty, as it turned out. Lots of Yumi, it seemed. She remembers she passed comment on that, and Tsutako-san had laughed, and said Yumi's face shifts like a wind, which made her a very interesting subject. She gave Shimako copies of everything she picked out.

In her album she has pictures of family, she has some of various temples she visited with Noriko, lots of her Rose family. She has two of Sei. This album is very important to Shimako. She surprised herself for wanting it. At sixteen, she would not have. The concept of something like a photo album was alien to her. By the time she graduated, many things had changed in her, and she did want it. And looking at these familiar faces, of family, of those beloved, she is eased. Those strange, stretchy strings of attachment seem not so invisible, not so harmful; appear not to have dissolved in the thousands of miles between her and them. She flicks to the two pictures of Sei that she has placed side by side. One is Sei's graduation, the other is a picture taken for the school newsletter but never used.

She remembers when she met Satou Sei. Looking back at it now, as she traces Sei's face with her finger, now that there is physical and emotional space between them, she can see that she fell in love, of a kind. Though, as she tried to explain to Yumi on Sei's graduation day, it was not the same sort of love as Yumi and Sei were experiencing. If she is honest, it _was_ a little like that. But at the start she called it fascination. Then as time went on, she called it attraction, because there was no other way to frame how she felt. And with Shimako's early developed ability to take herself out of a situation, she could see the mirror of it in Sei. In Sei's initial cold dismissals, Shimako's initial shyness, their eyes still sought each other. She would feel Sei's gaze on her at the oddest times. And when she turned to look for her, Sei would hold her gaze for a second, not pretending, ever, that she was not looking, but with a haughty and slightly angry sweep of her long body, she would turn from her. This fascination was two sided, which is why Sei refused to become an Onee-sama for so long. The sorry tale of Shiori came in fits and starts over the year they were soeurs, and finally explained Sei's real reluctance. But, as ever with Sei, it was more complicated than that.

But Sei could not deny that she needed to take a petite soeur. Pressure was put on her, this much Shimako knows. Sachiko-sama's not quite sincere but totally serious proposal comes to mind. Shimako has long suspected that Sachiko-sama had been asked to approach Shimako, because only hours passed after her refusal when Sei asked her would she like to take a walk under the cherry blossoms. They are so different, Sei and herself. And yet, has she ever met someone she so clearly resonated with? No. Well, at least not yet. They even look a little alike. She has friends that she loves, had someone she might have even have had something more with, although, that is now debateable. She has not heard from Noriko since a week before she left Japan. With Sei, she felt that she faced a personal demon when she asked Shimako to be her petite soeur. When she wrapped her rosary around her wrist, when she took her hand and ran, when Shimako accepted all that Sei was, the attraction was confirmed. But over time, step by gentle step, piece by piece, Sei removed it. There would be no dependency in this relationship. In fact, it was not going to be a relationship at all. It would be a friendship, what the soeur system was designed for in the first place. Sei did her best to guide Shimako, but for the most part, unless Shimako really had a need for her, she left her alone and vice versa. Her presence was her main contribution, the option of Sei was always available to her.

It broke down her barriers. It left her defenceless. Of course, Sei does not know this. Shimako never told her. Never told her that by Sei taking her hand, she blew open her life. That action and all it represented opened her up for all kinds of love. Shimako fondly gazes at the picture of Sei and herself at Sei's graduation. In a rare display of affection, Sei has her arm around Shimako's shoulders. Shimako remembers the sensation of being so close to Sei, of being held by her. There were a few times in their friendship when Sei held her. Because she did it so rarely, it had a lot of impact when she did it. Shimako cherishes those moments that sit in her memory like precious stones, that she takes out every so often to polish and admire. That was the day that Yumi confirmed her relationship with Sei. It was a bittersweet time to hear Yumi actually say it. Sei, of course, had seen no reason to broach the subject with Shimako at all, but Yumi is different in that regard. Yumi is different in a lot of ways, Shimako thinks, smiling at the thought of Yumi.

She flicks through the book until she reaches a picture of her friend. It was taken at their last Christmas party in the Rose Mansion. There are a number of other pictures in the album of Yumi, but Shimako remains most fond of this one. Sei and Sachiko had popped in to wish everyone a merry Christmas. Sei who's birthday is on Christmas Eve, wanted to see who remembered it. Typical, Shimako thinks and laughs out loud. Tsutako-san had been bobbing around, as she was always on the 'guest list', at Yumi's behest, for all sorts of goings on in the Rose Mansion. She took great pictures, both informal and formal, and is just really fun into the bargain. It was a bit of a benign joke amongst anyone not Yumi that Tsutako was crushing hard on Yumi and Yumi never noticed. Yumi liked Tsutako immensely, and made it a point to include her in many things regarding the Yamayurikai, knowing that Tsutako could keep a secret. Yoshino used to say in private that Tsutako had been KO'd twice without ever stepping in the ring. Shimako never quite understood the analogy, but she got the gist, and found it more sad than amusing in a distant way. So, it was Tsutako's last Christmas party also, as a sort of unofficial member of the student council. She had taken a lot of pictures.

The one that Shimako is looking at now has Yumi as the main subject, and she is playing Go with Sei. It was yet another championship bout and this was the final. Yumi who was and no doubt still is a quick study, had learned a few very interesting moves from her Onee-sama, who is excellent at strategic games. Shimako remembers how intent they were, but the game had only nominally been on the board. The tension was Yumi and Sei in each other's orbits. She remembers her own jealousy. At the time, she had no idea what they were like as a couple, but she got a hint watching them interact. Later on, when they went through a bad time, a few months before Shimako left, Yumi came to stay with her, as she could no longer live with Sei, did Shimako get the whole picture. Jealousy comes from a place where one still thinks there is a chance, a selfish area of pure want and greed, without ever understanding what one really wants. It is a blind thing, jealousy. But the day Yumi arrived at her house with a suitcase and a broken soul, she saw that her jealousy had been so pointless. Shimako, despite Yumi's tortured story of betrayal, truly forgave Yumi that day for taking Sei from her. She had not realised that her heart still contained such jealousy until then. She did not know, despite how much reflection she had done, that she had only partially allowed Yumi away with it, and had been lying all this time about it.

Seeing the two of them over that time, she was no longer wilfully blind. Only people who loved each other deeply could be that miserable apart. Yumi became a machine, and Sei just stopped. The only intervention Shimako made into the situation was to refuse Sei access to Yumi until Yumi said it was OK. Shimako still feels a bit anxious over the whole thing. She has no real reason to, and yet, there it is. They made up, which only goes part way to relieving her. There was a lot going on for Shimako at that time, and truly, Yumi and Sei's problems were only a small part of it. She fixes her gaze back on the picture, remembering how she still did not like looking at them together. She did not hate it, but she was uncomfortable. She had been to Sei's first party in her apartment, and had seen them at the start of something. She had seen Yumi's schoolbooks on the table, her clothes in the bedroom. She remembers when Sei casually placed her hand on Yumi's thigh when Yumi sat on the floor beside her, like her hand had always been there and always would be.

But it had been a full and fun night with the people that she loves, only Noriko missing because of a prior engagement, and the incident had drifted away as something unimportant in the grand scheme of things, leaving behind only the tiniest of stains.

She remembers that she did not see much of Sei after she graduated. Sei would check in on her, however, sometimes surprising her at school, sometimes arranging a coffee date. Shimako loved those times the most, when it was Sei and her alone and away from Lillian. When Sei came to Lillian, she was not sure who she was coming to visit. When they went for coffee, Sei only wanted to see her and it gladdened her. Shimako looks at the picture, her eyes roaming over the faces of her friends, and remembers. She remembers a cold evening that was warmed by laughter in the odd little building that they called a mansion.

B

-So! What's so special about this time of the year?

Sei announces herself as she comes into the Rose Mansion meeting room. Shimako feels a smile break out on her face as soon as she hears Sei's voice. She looks up from her cake decorating and welcomes Sei with this smile. Sei smiles back and winks, her eyes alight with excitement. Sachiko-sama is following in behind her, already wearing an expression that says _humour her_.

-It's Christmas.

Yumi calls out from under the table where she is chasing Go pieces that got dropped on the floor. Sei looks around at the sound of Yumi's voice and Shimako points down at the table. Sei laughs and slinging her bag into a corner, drops to her knees to look underneath.

-Yumi-chan!

Comes the delighted cry when Sei finds her. Shimako hears Yumi request aid in her Go finding mission. Sachiko-sama says hello to Shimako and opens her bag to pull out a large box of chocolates, which she places on the table. Noriko, who is hanging decorations, jumps down from the chair she is standing on and offers greeting and tea, both of which Sachiko-sama accepts. Shimako hears Yumi tell Sei to get off her and they both start laughing. She shares a look with Sachiko, who rolls her eyes and shakes her head, making Shimako giggle.

Touko and Nana come back at that moment from downstairs where they went to find more decorations. They have been successful Shimako sees, as the box Nana is carrying has Mizuno Youko's very distinct handwriting on it. Almost on their heels is Yoshino who went to find Tsutako, also successful, bringing with them Fukumichi Miyuki, Touko's petite soeur. She is a very pretty girl, quiet and thoughtful and a member of the drama club with Touko. As Shimako looks at her, she feels a little ashamed that she does not know much else about her. Yumi likes her a lot, and of course Touko adores her. She is in Nana's class, not only that, but they appear to be friends. Nana is very particular about whom she chooses to be friends with, so she thinks that speaks volumes about Fukumichi Miyuki. Nana is someone Shimako has come to admire over the past eight months, as she has a handle on the fiery Yoshino like nobody else. That alone gives Shimako a high opinion of her.

Sei and Yumi come out from under the table giggling, surprising the new members of the party, dumping Go pieces on the table. There are greetings all around, and Touko is clearly happy to see Sachiko. Her greeting to Sei is a little cooler. Shimako is sure she is not the only one to notice the complex feelings Touko-chan has toward Satou Sei, the person she has to share her Onee-sama with. It is different with Sachiko, as they are related, and it is in proper order for Yumi and Sachiko to be close. But Sei is a different kettle of fish, so to speak. It is much like Noriko's feelings, something territorial. But unlike with Yumi, Shimako and Sei were never involved in that way, so it _is_ somewhat different. What complicates it is that Touko genuinely likes Sei. She just does not like her involvement with Yumi. Yumi is aware of this, this much Shimako knows, but there is nothing to be done about it. Touko is going to feel how she feels. And behave how she behaves. When Sei is around, Touko is clingy. She sits closer to Yumi, keeps her attention, pretends helplessness, in short, she does everything she knows Yumi is weak against. And Yumi, who can see through it, will play along. Because Yumi is Yumi. Tender hearted, patient Yumi. Shimako feels badly for Touko-chan, caught between such strong emotions. She probably does not like herself very much when she behaves that way. Shimako empathises with the junior, because she can occasionally be in such a state when dealing with Yumi and Sei together in front of her.

It was true what she said to Yumi then, that with the clearing of the air, she could let Sei go. What Shimako did not realise until after, nearly two years after, is that the process of letting Sei go would take a long time. Even with Noriko in her life, there is a small light in her that is her love for Sei. In many respects, she has let go of her Onee-sama. Of course, she had to admit that her feelings for Sei were more than what she was comfortable with, but she did that. She cut a lot of her internal ties to Sei that allowed her to be happy for her friend and Sei. This was a good thing, a healthy thing. She is glad that she got though that, because it hurt at the time. However, there is a last lingering shred of that hurt when she sees Sei and Yumi together. A tiny thing, yet it can still make Shimako feel a little off. She does not like this feeling, but yet she is unable to conquer it. She does not like being at the whim of it.

She loves the two of them so much, which is what makes it harder, and why she can understand Touko's predicament. Sei goes without saying, but Yumi…Yumi she liked from the start, her classmate, her contemporary, and her equal. There is something very unusual about Yumi that is not at all obvious. As time passed, Shimako grew to really love Yumi. She is generous with her time and very affectionate. Deceptively smart and unassuming, Yumi usually gives more than she gets. So when Shimako was having problems with Yumi and Yumi's relationship with Sei, even though she said nothing about it, even though it was a small thing, Yumi seemed to expect it, and did not speak of Sei unless Shimako asked her about her. Shimako appreciated this consideration greatly, even though it was a conversational arrangement they never even discussed. That is an aspect of Yumi that never fails to surprise Shimako. How grown up Yumi is. Considering who she spends most of her time with, between her Onee-sama and Sei, perhaps it is not so surprising, now that Shimako thinks about it. Something that Shimako has noted as they are now approaching their last months in Lillian is that Yumi has deliberately played at being 'Yumi' for a long time.

An idea of 'Yumi' is planted in the heads of the pupils of Lillian: Yumi the approachable, slightly ditzy member of the Yamayurikai; Yumi the dreamy yet sweet classmate, who late in her first year started shooting up the rankings in terms of her schoolwork; Yumi, who oddly (according to classroom gossip) became the petite soeur of Ogasawara Sachiko. And that, Shimako thinks, is only because they do not really know Yumi. They know the Yumi from her first year, many of them know her from kindergarten, and they know a girl who really stopped existing a long time ago. Yumi has learned to give people what they expect, which leaves her free to be herself. It is something about Yumi that Shimako has an issue with. She dislikes the fact that Yumi feels she has to play at being herself. When Yumi drops the act, the adult is sitting right there. Perhaps Yumi was always that way. Shimako does not know the answer to that.

That is why Sei picked her, Shimako thinks, smearing chocolate frosting on the 'log' shaped cake. Sei sees who she is and maybe, just maybe, Sei is the only person Yumi feels she can be herself with. Not her friends, not her Onee-sama nor her petite soeur. With Sei, maybe it is true, that she is free. Shimako never thought about it that way before. For the longest time, she has thought about what was taken from her. She is still, unfortunately, caught in this cycle of want and not-want. Even with Noriko, which the universe was kind enough to gift her with, there is something Shimako is holding back. A part of herself, a part of her past self she is not ready to let go of. Noriko feels it, and they have had moments together when something could have happened, had Shimako had the courage to let go, and maybe she would be happier today. If she could love Noriko in the manner she should be loved, the way Noriko loves her, maybe, this feeling of seeing the closeness of Sei and Yumi would no longer matter to her.

The room is filling up and becomes warm with all the bodies moving about. The talk is loud but not overwhelming. Shimako adds the finishing touches to the Christmas log, a tradition she wishes to keep going, even if it does not survive her departure, and pushes the cake into the middle of the table. A round of applause catches her off guard and she quickly looks up to see everybody looking and smiling at her. She feels the heat of a blush and just as quickly looks down, embarrassed. There are some oohs and aahs, and they finally allow her off the hook. She thanks everyone and then carts the bowls and cutlery to the kitchenette and begins to wash up. She feels Sei before she hears her, a disturbance in her surroundings that only Sei can make. No matter where she goes or how long she lives, Shimako feels in her gut, as the familiar presence of her Onee-sama floods her system, she will always know when Satou Sei is close by. Before Sei has a chance to say anything, Shimako says:

-It's Christmas, Onee-sama.

She holds in a laugh as she feels Sei's irked response like a hand on her shoulder. Sei slinks away, perhaps to ask someone else, one of the younger girls probably, what is so special about this time of the year. If Sei had not already tried this last year, as well as the year before, the girls would not take such delight in teasing her. Sei is a complete child when it comes to her birthday. She likes to celebrate it and have it remembered. Shimako suspects that Sei is still annoyed at her parent's lack of consideration at not planning her birthday for another time of the year, where it would not be so overlooked. Shimako smiles over the thought. As she turns from the sink, drying her hands, she can feel happy. The room is alive with the sound of laughter and girls voices and she can feel the companionship of the Yamayurikai like a living thing. It always surprises her that she is a member of the Yamayurikai, because she never meant to be. She is a girl devoid of temporal ambitions. She wished to be a nun with the thought of being closer to her mother, and as soon as she realised that, it passed. But her desire to live a spiritual life, a live free of material objectives, is not so much an ambition as something natural to her. She likes to learn, likes the structure of learning, likes academics, but there is no end goal in mind. Being on the student council in a roundabout way negates this. It says that Shimako has a need to be useful and recognised, to stand out in some way. This is not the truth. But she accepted the consequences, the conflict of being in the Yamayurikai because of Sei. And she stayed for Yumi and Yoshino, and by staying, she met Noriko. Her chain of causality is quite clear. One reason she feels happy right this moment, is because she chose to stand out, and accept all that it brought. It brought her pain, yet it brought her to _here_.

She looks over at Sei, who has given up on her attention grabbing and decided to make herself useful instead by helping Noriko with the decorations. It took Noriko quite a while to adjust to the presence of Sei. She sometimes feels that Noriko is too confident, too self-aware to feel something like jealousy, that what she was feeling, and although she had said nothing about it, may still feel, is like Touko to an extent: territorial. Sei is no longer here, in reality, she is no longer Shimako's Onee-sama, yet the shadow she casts is a long one, and Noriko stands in it. Shimako has done her best to move the shadow, but it is a big job. But after nearly two years of Noriko and Sei sometimes sharing space and sharing Shimako, Noriko has definitely settled something in herself regarding Sei. They are talking as Sei stands on a chair using her height to get the decorations up, submitting to Noriko's direction. Shimako likes seeing them together. It warms her to see the generations of the Gigantea family. Noriko seems to feel Shimako's attention, because she turns around and smiles at her. It is a Noriko special. Rare, intimate, and just for her. It makes Shimako want to hug her. Shimako smiles back, and thinks, because it is Christmas, she should give her that hug later, when they are alone. They have not been so physical with each other since the sports festival. Shimako stops herself there. She is not going to think about that now. Noriko turns back to Sei and Shimako's gaze moves around the room as she unties her apron.

Sachiko is sipping the tea that Noriko made for her, speaking in quiet tones with Yumi. It is like a parameter is opening up around them and they are alone in their world of quiet. In the winter of Yumi's first year, when she and Sei became involved, what amazed Shimako the most was Sei's behaviour toward Sachiko. Clearly, they had talked about the situation. Sei became much gentler with Sachiko. Sometimes, she even touched her, as if trying to reassure her junior of something that was only between the two of them. More surprising, Sachiko let her. Yumi never said anything about it, never mentioned it to her friends. Then again, her friends never mentioned it to her. Everyone knew something had happened, but no one wanted to bring it up. Shimako had noticed a new tension between Yumi and Sachiko, however. The majority of the time, they were fine with each other, yet when they bickered, which was not all that often, it would quickly escalate. It appeared at the time that they were holding a lot back from each other, as they sparked and fought, that shouting at each other seemed to allow them to vent.

When Sachiko graduated and got married, things changed again. They did not fight, as far as Shimako is aware of, they were like this: quiet and thoughtful in their conversations. Of course, that is when Shimako sees them together. She does not know what they are like all the time. Shimako watches the quiet exchange between them. Sachiko has put down her cup and she is twisting her wedding ring. For Shimako, other people's relationships generally hold little interest for her, but she is young, and a girl and these are her friends. She would like to know what happened between them. Her curiosity is not so great that she would ask. She would never pry. She turns to open the cupboard over the sink and take out plates for the cake. She hefts them out, and then turns to take them to the table and lend a hand to Nana and Yoshino who are clearing off the table. As she moves, she sees that Sei is watching the quiet interaction between Yumi and Sachiko. As she places the plates on the table, she keeps a subtle eye on Sei's equally subtle watchfulness. There is sharpness in her eyes that Sachiko rarely sees in her Onee-sama. She is still holding a conversation with Noriko, but her attention is definitely elsewhere. It is a complex look. She is clearly curious, but she is upset somewhere. It piques Shimako's own curiosity.

In her more fanciful imaginings, she often thinks she can feel Sei like a second heartbeat, that she can guess her Onee-sama's mood almost like her own. For instance, she knows that right now Sei is not really OK, but that in general she is happy. She can tell from that one look, that Sei is compromising a lot to achieve that happiness, even if it not perfect. So their love has conditions, Shimako wonders, going back to the kitchenette for napkins and cutlery. When she comes back, she glances briefly at Yumi and Sachiko, who is now sliding her wedding ring up and down her finger. She has no more time to wonder about the emotional state of anyone else, as Yoshino leans over and nudges at her lips with a chocolate until Shimako allows her to pop it into her mouth, bringing her back to the party and a smile to her face.

The evening progresses nicely. Shimako is very content in this company. The semi-traditional transient Go tournament is underway. This game can get quite serious, depending on who is playing, but as others take sides in it, it gets rambunctious and often hilarious. Sei knocks out Yoshino, Sachiko knocks out Touko. Nana defeats Shimako, Yumi knocks out Noriko. Tsutako and Miyuki abstain from play claiming no skill whatsoever and a wish not to disgrace themselves in public. Sei bests Nana in a nail biter, and then to everybody's shock, Yumi crushes Sachiko. Sachiko says that the pupil has become the teacher, but promises retribution in her smile. Yumi laughs good naturedly, meeting her with an _anytime, Onee-sama__, anytime_. This leaves Yumi to play Sei in the finale, which ratchets up the tension in the room. Everybody is watching intently as they sit down, the chairs facing each other. For some reason, in the Rose Mansion, no one has ever played this game opposite each other over the table. It is always on the same side of the table, facing each other. No one knows who started playing this way, but here it is as traditional as the tournament. Yumi begins putting the pieces in order, and they are bantering with each other. This flirtatious manner is not surprising to anyone who knows them, so no one passes any comment on it anymore. This evening it not just light hearted exchanges. This is psychological warfare. As Yumi takes her first turn, Sei stretches out her long frame, positioning herself in a way that could only be called suggestive. Yumi ignores her. A ripple of laugher goes around the room. Miyuki looks a little confused. At Sei's turn, Yumi loosens her tie. Sei ignores her.

C

Shimako in London, nearly a year on from this picture, laughs out loud as she remembers. She remembers the laughter as the game went on, longer than a Yamayurikai game of Go should. She remembers that Sei constantly asked Yumi questions, told her she loved her, informed her that the tighter her jeans were, the better, causing Yumi to giggle and put her face in her hands. She remembers at one point, Yumi leaned back in her seat and crossed her legs and called Sei's name. Sei looked up from contemplating her turn and Yumi fixed her with a look that was so openly sexual, that Shimako had genuinely been shocked by it. And she had not been the only one. The room went very quiet. Shimako had looked over at Sachiko at one point, to see that her attention was absolute on Yumi. It was true that Yumi was losing, but it did not seem to matter anymore. Sei had kept her eyes on Yumi while she took her turn. They had sat facing each other, not really paying attention to what their hands were doing. Sei's eyes were hooded and full of something Shimako had never seen before. But of course, Sei had never wanted her that way. But Yumi dropped the act of being Yumi for a while, and there was a woman sitting where Yumi had been. Theoretically, Shimako had known that Yumi had grown up a long time ago, but to see it was another thing. To see what Sei and Yumi were like as a unit, and that evening, they briefly opened the door to their relationship, and let others take a look at why they were together. They had knowledge of each other that others could only guess at. They met at a point that only they could understand.

Then Yumi had broken the spell by looking down at where the game had gone. She looked back at Sei and mouthed _gotcha_ to her, and Sei finally took her eyes off Yumi to see that her territory was completely overtaken. Sei called Yumi a cheater, which was hotly disputed by Yumi, and suddenly everything was back to normal. Shimako felt she could breathe again. Sei's infectious laughter resounded around the room, and that was the end of that.

Shimako taps the picture with her fingertip, and traces the faces of her friends_. I miss you_, she admits to the picture. She flips through her album again, and lands on a picture of Noriko, taken by herself at her family shrine. Noriko was, and according to her father, still is a frequent visitor. She wonders at the different relationships she has with her petite soeur and her Onee-sama. How the feelings that Noriko inspires in her are far more visceral, far closer. Shimako can admit she was attracted to Sei, to her looks, and later to the complex personality that lay beneath. And she felt it from Sei also. But they never came closer than necessary. While she was held in the warm embrace of Sei's regard, Sei never encouraged any sort of close bonding. This was fine with Shimako who was afraid of her feelings of intense fascination with Sei. They disturbed her calm, and meeting Satou Sei, the presence of Satou Sei in her life made her permanently re-envision the path of this life. It was good that Sei kept her distance, yet it was also good that she met her.

That did not mean that it did not hurt when she finally figured out Yumi's relationship with her Onee-sama. Of course it did. It hurt a lot, which really surprised her at the time, though thinking of it now, she wonders why it did. Before Yumi knew, before Sei probably knew, Shimako had guessed at something. They would look at each other too much, they noticed each other in a way that was hard to describe. But Sei's eyes followed Yumi wherever she went. Sei is the type to form obsessions with all sorts of things, so Shimako did not take it too seriously. But as time went on, it began to make her a bit jealous, even though their soeurship was of a different kind than most, that does not mean that seeing Sei's attention wander to Yumi did not have any kind of effect on her. Then things changed rapidly between Yumi and Sei. It made Shimako feel like she blinked at the wrong moment and missed something important. And she remembers the day when she knew, without any shadow of a doubt, that they were involved. It was the day that Yumi called Sei by her given name in front of everybody. It was not the fact that she did that, because Yumi often did that with everybody, it was the familiarity of it, the quality of the tone in her voice. Sei's reaction was the other piece in the puzzle. Shimako remembers it felt like a punch in the gut. Shimako was very glad that she was in the habit of guarding her emotions. But if she was not, what might she have done? Walked out? Shouted at them? Asked Yumi why she had to have Sei, ask Sei why Yumi? Shimako does not know.

She had seen in Yumi in the following months that her friend had wanted to tell her. Shimako reasons that Yumi was waiting for Sei to do it. Shimako snorts. Poor Yumi, she would have been waiting a long time! Sei's relationship with Yumi was Sei's business, and she would see no reason to talk to Shimako about it, any more than she would ask Shimako about hers, if that was the case. Sei did her best not to flaunt it, that much she considered Shimako's feelings, and had she asked her, she has no doubt that Sei would have told her. But she did not ask. Instead, she gave Yumi an out by asking her instead. It was easier and she never regretted it. Yumi is a good person with a big heart. Perhaps too big, and has put her in some compromising situations. But that was of no relevance to Shimako. Her only concern on that day was to let Yumi say what she had wanted to say for the longest time, which amounted to: _I'm dating your Onee-sama, I love her, I'm sleeping with her, and I am sorry if I hurt you. _

Yumi did hurt Shimako. Shimako cannot pretend she did not feel a pang of betrayal. She had no idea that they had gone that far in their relationship. Shimako did not think about sex often, and when she did, it was mainly in an abstract way. It really hurt that there was an area that she most certainly could not go to with Sei. She had been attracted to Sei, but she had not thought of anything physical. Knowing that Sei was physical with Yumi hurt her on a level she had previously been unaware of. Shimako had never thought of herself in terms of sexuality, though she was aware of it. She was aware of romance, and the soeurs who looked a lot more like couples than sisters. She was not ignorant at all of these things, but somehow, she did not think to apply these things to herself. Her thoughts toward Sei made her uncomfortable, but she had not come so far to think of herself _with_ Sei, the way Yumi was _with_ Sei. By Yumi being with Sei, however, it drew her attention to sexuality in a way she never had before. Maybe, she ponders, as she looks at Noriko's pretty face, that was when her adolescence actually begun, at the ripe old age of sixteen.

Shimako sighs and once again let's go of those memories. She wonders if she will always revisit them, or if there comes a time when she will not think of them. But they are not all so melancholy. When she told Yumi that day that she could let Sei go, she was being as truthful as she knew how to be at that stage. When Sei and she talked and visited afterward, there was something gone from their interactions. It was something Shimako never knew was there until its absence drew attention to it. It was a small epiphany in the cafeteria of Lillian University. They were more comfortable with each other. They spoke more freely. Shimako even dared a hug goodbye that day and received one in return. It had been lovely, like so many things about her Onee-sama. It was another precious gem of a memory: the day she and Sei truly became friends. And perhaps she can thank Yumi for that.

That was in the middle of her second year, and she was an Onee-sama herself by that stage. The loyal and loving Noriko came into her life. Like with Sei, there was a pull in her heart when she met her. There was a big difference, however. Her body added its own voice to the internal conversation Shimako had with herself in connection to Noriko. And it was mutual. Noriko, in many ways is the complete opposite of Sei, both in looks and personality. Where Sei did not touch, Noriko did. The first time they met, Noriko removed cherry blossoms from her hair. Slowly and gently she removed them, plucking them out with slow and careful movements that felt like caresses, and Shimako knew at right that moment, with Noriko's barely-there touch, with her deep, deep brown eyes, the girl who shared this moment with her under these cherry blossom trees would be the one to ease the loneliness that Satou Sei left in her wake.

Noriko is not as delicate as Sei. Her addition to the Gigantea line brought with it a welcome robustness. Just like Shimako, Noriko had gone to school elsewhere up to high school. She was not as mired in the traditions of the place. Until they became soeurs, she called Shimako 'Shimako-san', not 'Shimako-sama', a noted difference from the culture of Lillian. When they became soeurs, Noriko managed to imbue the words 'Onee-sama' with such a sense of specialness, it sounded like something entirely different. And Shimako really liked it. Time with Noriko was like a breath of fresh air. She had not realised how stuffy she had become in the confines of Lillian, how attached to the written and unwritten rules of the place. It took Noriko to point that out. Of course, when one attends school six days a week and as involved in the running of it to the degree the Yamayurikai are, it is hard not to lose sight of the outside. Even serving at the family shrine did not detract from this. And Noriko encouraged physical interaction. This was certainly very new. Noriko was not shy about what she called 'skinship' in a joking tone, and all of a sudden, Shimako could understand why Sachiko-sama was forever petting and hugging Yumi. There was something…Nice about it; something comforting, and she dared to think it at the time she discovered that Noriko was OK with it, exciting about it.

She loved to stroke Noriko's shiny black hair, feel the cool silken strands fall through her fingers, the shortness of it encouraging her to do it again and again. She quickly grew accustomed to the feel of Noriko's arms around her when they hugged; the feel of Noriko wanting to be hugged, of wanting to hug Shimako. Shimako was captivated by the freedom to do this, with the idea that Noriko not only welcomed her, but sought her out. The startling sensation and accompanying wonder of Noriko's hand in hers. She remembers the smell of Noriko, the very special smell of her neck near her hairline behind her ear. She remembers how Noriko drew her out. How Noriko's fascination with Buddhism brought them accidentally closer. How Noriko missed her when she was not there. How she misses her now, as much as Shimako misses her. Shimako remembers how she left Noriko, how she had to because, and she silently apologises to Noriko as she does, hoping somehow that the universe can carry her feelings for her to Noriko's heart, she was simply terrified of what it meant to love Noriko the way Noriko wanted to love her. She never said to Noriko that yes, she did want to, she did, but she was not ready. She may never be ready. All she had said was _I'm sorry_, repeatedly, which did nothing to alleviate Noriko's upset, nor her own.

_I should have_, Shimako thinks, as she flips to another picture of Noriko, her favourite one, even if it does raise some very vivid emotions. This one was taken at Shimako's last sports festival. Noriko is quite athletic, and did well in almost everything she took part in, much to Shimako's quiet pride. In this picture Noriko is laughing with Touko as they walk to one of the fields. Tsutako must have been just walking past when she snapped it. It has a sense of 'chance in a million' about it, and when she saw it on Tsutako's computer, she wanted it. Noriko looks tanned and healthy, her face open and alive, her whole posture shouts youth and carefree. She looks vital and energetic. Her trim body in school shorts and tee-shirt looks fit and supple. The coltish, almost-adult structure of her is so appealing that Shimako can feel her heart speeding up just looking at her. She is very glad that Tsutako could capture this moment, because it is the image of Noriko that Shimako carries in her.

Shimako remembers that day for one incident in particular, but also for the general feeling of it, which this picture shows. This picture represents her reasons for leaving as she did. She remembers that Noriko was in such a good mood that day, more than her usual stable temperament. Something about running around in the sunshine had energised Noriko and she was nice to be with. Her mood had been contagious, and Shimako had found herself joining in with the giddiness and messing about. The sunlight and the heat, the atmosphere, magnified and intensified her feelings that day, and she lost the run of herself. She smiles now, sitting in dreary London, looking at the sunshine of Tokyo, looking at the laughing Noriko, but she feels a combination of guilt and regret strike a chord so acutely, that she has to breathe deep to maintain her composure. Even though no one is here to see her lose control, she has cried enough over this. And yet, and yet, and yet.

D

Shimako is gathering up equipment from a finished event. It is only Noriko and she left, as this is the last of it. As Shimako bobs up and down picking up balls, she cannot help but notice on her bob ups how attractive Noriko looks today. The heat has caused sweat to dampen her hair and make it stick to her neck, and for some reason, Shimako finds this particularly distracting. It accentuates Noriko's neck and Shimako finds her gaze returning to it again and again. Her arms that are currently holding baskets look tanned and strong. As she turns and walks away from Shimako to pick up more baskets to add to her collection, Shimako eyes Noriko's calves, the softly defined muscles exposed between the top of her socks and the end of her shorts are for one reason or another, more noticeable than usual. Shimako wonders if she ever looked at another girl this way. Has she ever looked at anybody this way? Has she ever noticed the way someone moved, or walked, or thought about their calf muscles? Perhaps because she can see Noriko's body more today which is unusual. But, she has seen many girls this way yet she does not pay attention to them. They do not preoccupy the way Noriko does.

Shimako trails behind Noriko, picking up the last of the errant balls, and they can now take the last of their loads to the storage rooms. Still following Noriko, Shimako studies her body in her summer P.E. gear, liking how agile Noriko looks. The white tee-shirt stretches across Noriko's shoulders, drawing attention to how slender the girl is. She has her tee-shirt tucked into her dark shorts, subtly emphasising the flare of her hips. These uniforms, like their regular ones, are not designed to show off the body, the opposite actually, but some things cannot help but reveal themselves. _How pretty_, is Shimako's foremost thought. They are almost at the storage rooms, and for once, Shimako is looking forward to going into them, because the heat today is horrific, and any chance to get out of the sun's eye is not to be passed up. Noriko precedes her and immediately begins rearranging baskets to make room for her own. Carefully placing her own basket of soft balls on the ground, Shimako is in no rush, and takes advantage of the gloom, allowing her eyes to get used to the switch from outside to inside. She watches Noriko stand on a small step ladder left out for the occasion to readjust baskets up on the shelf, making her stretch. Shimako warns her to be careful, and Noriko lightly waves away her concern. Shimako watches Noriko as she makes room for both their loads.

She comes down off the ladder, and reaches for Shimako's basket, smiling at her. Noriko stretches up close to Shimako, to try and wrestle the basket into place, but something is catching. She struggles with it. As she does, Shimako sees that Noriko's tee-shirt is flat against her belly as she raises her arms, and the action is creating a gap between the waistband of her shorts and her belly. Shimako moves closer to her, keeping her eyes on that small gap, helplessly wanting to see more. She feels excitement building in her, which is not that unusual considering it is Noriko she is looking at, her petite soeur who she likes to touch. It is not so unusual for Shimako to experience excitement when she is with Noriko, when she sees her, but this feels slightly different. She moves closer to Noriko, who is getting annoyed at the basket's inability to follow her commands, still with that enticing gap where her stomach stretches and her shorts loosen.

Shimako reaches out her hand and places it on Noriko's belly, her fingers slightly inside the gap and they both freeze. In the gloom of the storage rooms, with the sun blazing outside, the sweat trickling down both of them is the only movement in this room. Shimako feels the heat of Noriko through her tee-shirt, looks at the tips of her fingers edging inside the waistband of her shorts. Noriko moves then, just her head, to look at the hand on her, to look at where Shimako's hand is resting. Shimako watches Noriko's slow movement, and feels a sudden savage embarrassment about what she has done, but she somehow thinks it would be worse to just take her hand back. She feels a little trapped. Noriko is the first to break the silence.

-Is this real?

The wonder in her voice is tantalising to Shimako for reasons she does not understand, but it makes her glad she has not moved her hand. The tone of Noriko's quiet voice makes her want to touch her more, to confirm this reality. Shimako does not move.

-I had…wanted…

There is a slight hitch in Noriko's voice, like she is losing her breath. Shimako can feel she is taking short shallow breaths. There is a dreamy quality to Noriko's voice that makes Shimako wonder if indeed this is a highly detailed lucid dream of some description that perhaps she went for a nap at some point and this is what this is. But the warmth under her hand, the sounds of cheering from the sports fields all put lie to that. She is not dreaming. She really has put her hand on her petite soeur in a manner which cannot easily be explained away. Noriko relaxes out of her position, turning, which pushes Shimako's fingers further into her shorts. Shimako can feel herself begin to tremble. Noriko puts her hand on Shimako's forearm, turning a little more. She strokes her forearm, and then runs her hand all the way up her arm, until her hand rests lightly on her shoulder and finally looks at her. Noriko's dark, dark eyes, darker in here, her face soft and wondering are turned to her. Shimako feels her mouth go dry. If Noriko takes a step toward her, then her hand will slide all the way down and she will touch…But Noriko is not taking a step. She is looking at Shimako, and Shimako is looking back and in this storage room in late summer, they stand and make no move. They are standing and looking, wondering and afraid, both wanting something to happen, locked together in this velvet heat, this secret dark.

E

Shimako rests the photo album on her backpack, leaving it open on the laughter of Noriko. She sits back against the wardrobe, hugging her knees to her, her gaze on the rain of England, drizzling its grey way to the equally grey concrete of the town that exists outside her window. She hugs herself tight, remembering the sensations of her body. The sparkling heat between her legs, the nervous churning of her stomach, her heart so loud and fast! Of Noriko's dark eyes and her hand on her shoulder. The heat, the sweat, the almost secret feeling of the storage room, where in reality, anyone could have walked in at any moment, but that did not occur to her at the time. Shimako wishes that there was only one time when they almost crossed a line. Perhaps then, it would not have been so bad. A one-time thing that did not get Noriko's hopes up the way it did, only to have them put down. But there were several occasions when Shimako, always Shimako, pushed things a little too far. Would hug Noriko for too long, too close, or would be caught looking, knowing she had been caught thinking something really inappropriate.

But with Noriko, was it really inappropriate? Noriko made it clear that she was not adverse to Shimako's attentions. No. Noriko was not the problem. It was Shimako that was, and probably still is, the problem. When she finally told Noriko she was leaving the country that was not the first time she broke both their hearts. She knows this, and feels the weight of guilt. Shimako wonders when this will pass, or if it has become a part of her now. She wonders if she will ever stop feeling that she does not deserve love. She never did explain properly to Noriko that she pushed her away because she felt guilty for wanting her, and felt that Noriko was too good for her. Noriko intimated, more than once, that she thought Shimako's deep sense of religiosity held her back. Tried to say to Shimako that love is OK, and did she not have a good example of two girls loving each other with her best friend and her Onee-sama. But part of Shimako could not move past a certain point with Noriko, and it had nothing to do with Shimako's religious leanings, and that was not easily explained, not even to herself. How could she articulate to Noriko that which she was scared to broach in her own mind? She had to leave, she had to get away, or she would have hurt them both a lot worse. She made that decision for the both of them, and accepted the responsibility of it.

She turns her head and looks at the picture of Noriko again. Laughing beautiful Noriko, sublime in her youth and energy, captured for as long as this piece of paper lasts, which will probably be longer than both of them, longer than any memory of a love that might have been, an unconsummated gulf of _what if_... That day she almost touched that. That day, Shimako came as close as she ever did to jumping into Noriko's life and the regret of not doing so is almost as sharp as the guilt.

_I should have._

_Maybe._


	8. So Close

7. One's Times

7. So Close

一

Yumi and Sei are nearly three years together when something goes awry with them. It is Sei's interest in another woman that finally pushes them over the edge, but there have been signs of trouble in paradise. Sei met Katou Kei in her first year of college, which meant that Yumi met her at the same time. Yumi took an immediate liking to Katou-san. She is smart, with a dry sense of humour that Yumi finds very appealing. Tall, nearly as tall as Sei, and pretty in a hidden sort of way. When Yumi goes to the college, she sometimes meets Katou-san, and spends her time chatting with her, waiting for Sei. She is a warm person. Yumi likes her a lot. And because she lives so close to Lillian Sei often hangs out at her place. This does not bother Yumi. She trusts Sei and she trusts Katou-san. Yumi feels there is nothing to worry about

二

When Yumi entered university she was immediately overwhelmed with the amount of work that no amount of high school could prepare her for, not to mention the sheer scale of attending an institution like this one. Her days were very long, longer than Sei's, and she did not see her as often as she thought she would. It was at this time, when Yumi graduated, that Sei asked her to move in full time. To pack her bags and live with her. Yumi had joked at the time was this Sei's way of making an honest woman of her? Sei had not laughed, however. Yumi wondered if she had said the wrong thing. She watched a pensive expression steal across Sei's face and braced herself. Sei then asked her if indeed Yumi wanted to get married? Yumi had felt her jaw unhinge and dangle. Because, Sei had continued, if she could marry Yumi, she would. The seriousness of Sei's declaration stopped the hysterical giggles Yumi felt bubble up in her.

Yumi had shelved the idea of marriage when she fell in love with Sei, Japan being the place it is. It had not been an overriding desire in her anyway. Unlike other little girls, Yumi had not spent her childhood drawing what her wedding dress would be like. She spent it drawing cats and robots. Later, when she was a teenager and other girls her age were again wondering about their future marriages and what they would call their future children, Yumi was wondering that if everyone was made in god's image, why would they all call god 'he'? Surely 'it' was more appropriate?

Later again, when she was in her last year of high school, and boyfriends at this stage were upgraded to fiancées, the prospect of marriage was a much more realistic proposition for the girls of Lillian. Marriage interviews were common, and girls, well, women by then, had pictures of their wedding dresses to show their classmates, but still Yumi was not particularly interested in the subject of marriage. Instead of wedding dresses on her phone, she had pictures of Sei asleep on the couch in her apartment, or grinning cheekily in the bath. These were pictures she could look at but never show anybody else. That made her a little sad. She would listen to the chatter of her classmates, as she drew cats and robots on her textbooks, and thought that she felt married anyway. She felt happy for them, and sometimes she shared their excitement, because it was hard not to get swept away with the conversations.

She had been joking with Sei when she said that someday Sei was going to have to make an honest woman of her. She did have an idea at the time that Sei might have taken a more serious angle on it, but it never came up again, and Yumi forgot about it until the afternoon in the kitchen. As she looked at Sei's serious face, she could say that yes, Sei had thought about this. And Sei was not finished with whatever it was she wanted to say to Yumi. She had been uncharacteristically nervous. They were standing in the small kitchen making dinner when Sei asked her to move in. She practically lived there anyway, but the chance to conclusively live in one place, and with Sei, had delighted her. And then she made that joke. Sei stopped chopping and turned to Yumi. She said that she could not marry Yumi, but for now this is what she has to offer. Is it enough? Yumi was shocked. She did not think that Sei thought about things like marriage, or if she did, it might be in relation to what she thought Yumi might want.

Sei knew Yumi well, and was often guessing what Yumi might want on any given occasion. Of course, there were some things that Sei had not guessed at about Yumi. But Yumi did not think about those things. She had thought that with this very serious and concrete offer from Sei that she could settle. That her future was locked into place, and she was so happy, she could not say anything that even approached how she felt at that moment, or how she felt about Sei. Instead, she said yes, Sei, this is enough. They had smiled shyly at each other, and resumed making dinner. After dinner, Sei opened the balcony doors, and they lay together on the couch, and listened to the sounds of the city, a subtle soundtrack to the beating of Yumi's heart, as she lay her head on Sei's chest, and listened to hers.

三

And now Yumi attends a prestigious national university. She told no one, except her parents and Yuuki that she wanted to try for it. She did not want to jinx it, or deal with the sympathy if she did not make it. When she did get in on her first try, one of only a ten thousand in Japan who succeed any given year to this particular university, the relief that swept through her left her trembling. The acceptance letter she received from her home room teacher, who had first suggested Todai to Yumi, dangled limply from her hand. She wanted to see Sei, she wanted to see Sachiko, her two important women. She wanted to show them: _this is what I can do_. Because she had wanted to make herself proud, but before that, she wanted them to be proud of her. Their opinion of her was something she valued highly, and she wanted them to be proud of her. She thanked her home room teacher, who was clearly delighted for her. She fled the office and ran for the college startling some juniors on her way, who were very surprised to see Rosa Chinensis upset her pleats so. She laughed as she ran past them.

She actually met Katou Kei first. She had wanted to tell Sei first, but her excitement was so much, that when Katou-san asked where the fire was, Yumi had to tell her. She was dancing around on the spot when she told her, and Katou-san's eyes grew very big behind her glasses at the news. She arrested Yumi's movements with a spontaneous tight hug that said: _I know how hard you worked for this. Well done_. She released Yumi, who giggled like the school girl she was, and told her Sei was in the cafeteria. Yumi thanked her and ran on. As luck would have it, and Yumi did consider this an auspicious day, Sei and Sachiko were in the cafeteria together. Yumi's vision narrowed down to the two of them. She ignored the stares and amused glances that came her way. Many of the young women there had attended the high school and Yumi, as a member of the Yamayurikai, was well known to them.

She arrived at their table, so out of breath she had to bend down and put her hands on her knees, taking great walloping breaths. When she got herself together, she stood straight and looked first at Sei and then at Sachiko, who both wore similar expressions of surprise at her sudden appearance on campus, and in such a state. Yumi unfolded her letter, and placed in on the table between them, grinning like a lunatic. They first looked at Yumi, who was still breathing hard, and she pointed at the letter. They looked at each other, and then down at the letter. When they saw the letter head on the page, they both reached for it at the same time. Yumi started laughing, her delight at their expressions causing her to dance a mini jig as they leaned in to read the letter.

-Oh. My. God.

This from Sei, who stood up so abruptly she knocked over her chair. She pulled Yumi to her and hugged her tightly, almost went in for a kiss before she remembered where they were, and redirected her lips to Yumi's forehead. Yumi hugged her back, her sweaty face adhering to Sei's leather jacket. Yumi looked from Sei's arms to Sachiko, who was now holding the letter, a rare grin lighting up her face. She glanced up at Yumi.

-I had wondered what you were up to.

She said mildly, as she stood with a lot more decorum than Sei and opened her arms. Sei released her, and gently pushed her to Sachiko, who whispered her congratulations in her ear. Sei had turned and picked up the letter and wondered where she could buy a frame. It was Sachiko who answered her, saying she should hold off for another six years, when Yumi gets her diploma. Yumi had sighed her contentment into her Onee-sama's hair, before letting her go, and bent down to pick up Sei's chair. They had both wanted her to ditch school and go for a celebratory lunch somewhere. Yumi, conscientious to the last, a very Youko trait Sei pointed out, still had work to do with the council. Besides, she wanted to share her news with the rest of her friends, and then go home and tell her parents and Yuuki, who had been on pins and needles with her this past year. Because Sei and Sachiko had spent so much time coaching her in high school, she wanted to tell them first, and express her gratitude to them for caring about her. That without them, the idea of attending Todai would never have been suggested to her, because she would not have shown the potential she was clearly capable of realising. She felt emotional as she told them this, in the Lillian college cafeteria, where they both waved her off, saying it was down to Yumi that she got in. It was, but she never would have got there without them.

They managed to extract the promise of a celebratory dinner that night. She gave her word and began her much calmer exit from the cafeteria. She thanked people who congratulated her on the way out. It was a very big deal to get into this particular university, and a lot of people did not even try. There is stiff competition for places, and of the thousands who apply every year, they do not get in on their first try, or their second, or third for that matter. So yes, congratulations were in order for Yumi, who slept about four hours a night since April of last year. She heard Sei's voice and turned to it. She looked back, and Sei mouthed _I love you_ to her. Yumi grinned and blew her a kiss, then headed back to the high school, back to the Rose Mansion, back to Yoshino who called her a dark horse and thumped her on the back, bringing tears to Yumi's eyes, back to Touko who pretended nonchalance, saying of course _her_ Onee-sama would go to such a place.

After Yumi's graduation, which both Sei and Sachiko attended, Yumi moved in with Sei, and spent the time before she started college enjoying the honeymoon period. All of Yumi's stuff was settled in, more furniture acquired to put it in, and they began, really began their lives together. But it was not quite what Yumi expected. She thought by moving in with Sei she would see more of her. However, the first year of college proved to be very tough. Todai requires that their students do an extra two years of schooling before they actually become undergraduates, and they did not mark easy. Within the first couple of months, Yumi realised, like many high school students, that getting into the university was the _easy_ part. Maintaining her average was harder than she imagined. Sei, who passed into her third year was also up to her neck in it. During the day, when Yumi got a chance to breathe, she would send Sei a text, or call her, and more often than not, she was in Katou-san's place. Which did not unduly bother Yumi. Lillian is quite the journey from Harajuku, and it made sense for Sei to spend a night or two at her friend's house. Yumi had been determined to hit the ground running when she entered university, and studied a lot. One might say, she was single-minded about her objective. Sometimes, Yumi would forget that Sei was not there, until she finally dragged herself into bed, and found that she was alone.

Yumi did not realise that her relationship was slipping away. She had taken for granted that love would be enough. At nineteen, with only Sei as her experience of relationships, and the same could be said for Sei regarding Yumi, did not know, how could she, that even the most loving and passionate relationships could wither if left unattended. It had occurred to Yumi that her life was busy but curiously empty. And it did occur to Yumi that she and Sei seemed quite a distance from each other. And yes, it did occur to Yumi she had to think about the last time they made love. There was a part of Yumi that was beginning to worry, that much is true. She understood enough to know that they both led quite busy lives, and she was not blameless in the drift. And it was an adjustment for Sei to have her girlfriend live with her full time, and being Sei, it might not occur to _her_ that she would perhaps have to change the way she lives. These things and more did occur to Yumi. What did not occur to Yumi, whose trust in Sei would preclude such disturbing thoughts, regardless of what she herself was concealing, was that perhaps Katou Kei was also a factor in the drift.

四

Yumi is not suspicious by nature, perhaps a little innocent in some matters, does not realise something is really wrong until something happens that wakes her up. She is paying a visit to Lillian high school to visit her friends who have yet to graduate. Touko, her lovely prickly tsundera of a petite soeur, expresses genuine delight when she comes to the Rose Mansion to find Yumi drinking tea in her old seat. Yumi never tells Touko when she is coming, loving the affection she can surprise out of Touko. Touko, who is raised in the Chinensis fashion, is physical in her affections, but only with Yumi, preferring a more refined behaviour with her own petite soeur. Yumi respects this decision, and keeps her hands to herself regarding Miyuki-chan. All the more for Touko in that case. The same Touko who complained long and loud, albeit privately, about being uninformed about her Onee-sama's plans. Yumi had smoothed her out with a lot of hugging and near undivided attention for the remainder of their time together. Much to Sei's surprise, Touko spent a lot of time in the apartment with them on their weekends. Much to Yumi's relief, Touko seemed to warm considerably toward Sei. Even though school is over for Yumi, she is the sort to keep her friends. She may not be Touko's Onee-sama anymore, but she is keen to maintain the relationship they developed. So, if Touko starts to like Sei, accept Sei and her relationship with Yumi, Yumi is happy about that, because they will still have to be in each other's company over the years of their lives.

She spends the lunch hour with Touko, talking of this and that, mainly about when Touko should suggest to Miyuki that she should start thinking about a petite soeur. Yumi tells Touko that she had not been ready to be an Onee-sama, and left to her own devises, she would not have chosen one. But then she met Touko. Touko smiles, a shy sweet smile that damn near breaks Yumi's soft heart. She informs Touko that she is very glad she met her, and that her life would be poorer without her. Touko looks away, clearly hiding her emotions again. Yumi scoots her chair over. She rests her chin on Touko's shoulder, and blows gently into her ear, making Touko laugh and chide her at the same time. When Miyuki is ready, Yumi whispers to Touko. Touko leans back against Yumi, and sighs. Yumi misses these interactions with her petite soeur. She misses the physical side of going to this high school. There is no room for these relations in college, and no time either. She wonders if she should stop visiting the high school, and meet Touko elsewhere. It makes her a little sad that she does not wear her uniform anymore, and cannot be a part of these girls' lives anymore, not like she used to be. As a member of the Yamayurikai, as Rosa Chinensis. She had a place and a job to do, and she got to meet Sachiko and Sei and Youko, Yoshino, Shimako and then Touko through being here, in this room, where she was supposed to be. She misses being able to hug someone and not have somebody else think she is strange for doing so. She misses her family.

The warning bell goes. It has only been a few months since Yumi left, but it already feels nostalgic. Though she is very glad not be in high school anymore, there are a lot of parts of it she misses. Touko's presence is just one. Yumi gives Touko a squeeze, and a promise to see her sooner rather than later. After walking out with Touko, Yumi heads over to the college. Sachiko she does warn that she is coming over, because the college breaks are not as regulated as the high school. Their schedule can be subject to last minute changes, so both Sei and Sachiko need to know when she is coming. She wonders if she will be able to see Yoshino too. It has been a while since she could spend any time with her, and she misses her funny friend. Yumi is missing a lot of things lately, she thinks, wandering over to the college, taking the short cut only people who went to the high school know about. The short cut takes her to behind the college library, and then it is a short walk to the entrance. She sees that Sachiko is already waiting for her by the fountain in the front courtyard.

The summer afternoon sun is glinting prettily on her long dark hair, and she looks just lovely in her jeans and blouse. Since getting married and starting college, a new and definitely more casual look has crept into Sachiko's wardrobe. Yumi likes it. Now in her second year of college, Sachiko is adjusting to her new life. She does exceptionally well with her college work, of course she does, and she gets on equally well with her husband. Maybe it is because he spends most of his time abroad, Yumi can only guess to be honest, as she does not spend much time with them as a couple. But Sachiko has not been sad, and she talks to him on the phone a lot, so she surmises that they have come to an understanding. Yumi is very happy for Sachiko. Genuinely happy. Yet there is still reliance in each other, for each other, existing between her and Yumi, and Yumi cannot see it ever passing. Sachiko wants to be with Yumi a lot, and Yumi is the same. There is a shadow that accompanies that thought, however, as she makes her way to Sachiko's side. The shadow is full of things that Yumi is deciding she does not want to think about right now, because it is over, and perhaps they should put more distance between each other, but she just cannot bring herself to do it. Sachiko was a delicate girl who is growing into a delicate woman. Yumi needs to be by her side to make sure she is OK, that her emotions do not get the best of her. And it is Yumi that Sachiko needs when she is like that. She calls for her, and wants to be held by her. Yumi wonders if she is really helping Sachiko by being this way with her, by giving in to her. But Yumi is helpless when it comes to Sachiko in some ways. She cannot ignore her Onee-sama even when she probably...no...definitely should.

She calls out Sachiko's name, and Sachiko turns and smiles at Yumi, appearing to be more than pleased to see her. Yumi smiles back, feeling her heart melt, like it always does when confronted with Sachiko. _I just cannot let you go_, Yumi thinks, as she reaches Sachiko's side and hugs her, because Sachiko has opened her arms, and expects Yumi to jump into them. Which Yumi does, without really thinking about it. They part, and then link arms, deciding to take a walk around the grounds while Sachiko has time before afternoon lectures. The grounds here, like in the high school, are large and green, full of paths and trees, not quite as lovely as the high school, but still charming and there is even a greenhouse. Sei told her this, but it not as secluded as the high schools', people actually used it for its intended purpose, _so too bad about that, Yumi_. Yumi had slapped her on the shoulder, blushing. After three years of being intimately acquainted with a greenhouse, she has trouble thinking of them in the same way as other people.

Like contacting Sachiko, Yumi mailed Sei to see if she is free at some point today, and if they could meet up. Sei had replied in effusive terms, informing Yumi that her whole afternoon is free, and that she will see her when she gets there. With her arm linked in Sachiko's, they pick a path and proceed along it, enjoying the warmth of the sun and each other's company. Yumi keeps a casual eye out for Yoshino. Yoshino is still refusing to buy a cell phone, insisting that it is a form of enslavement, and she will not be fettered! Like many things Yoshino says, Yumi hears them in her mind with exclamation points. So, it can be a hit and miss affair as to whether she runs into Yoshino or not. Usually, she will call her at home in the evening, but she has not been at home lately when Yumi calls. Yumi idly wonders what Yoshino is doing when she is not at home. Is it Nana, or is it somebody else? As she wonders this, still holding gentle conversation with Sachiko, she spies a familiar figure in the distance. The long form of Sei standing and talking to someone sitting on a bench. Even from here Yumi can recognise the long dark hair, with the sparkle of sunlight on glasses, that it is Katou Kei. Yumi guides Sachiko in their direction. Neither Sei nor Katou-san notice their approach. They are engrossed in their conversation. When Yumi is close enough to them that she would only have to raise her voice slightly to be heard, Yumi takes in the scene. She feels like she is hit by a bag of rocks.

Sachiko stops walking, and says that Yumi is hurting her arm. Yumi shakes herself. Without looking at Sachiko she releases her arm. Sachiko asks her if she is alright, but Yumi does not answer. She is still looking at Katou-san and Sei. It is Sei in particular who made her clench onto Sachiko's arm like she did. Yumi, who knows Sei's body better than she knows her own, who spent so long looking at Sei, learning to read Sei, knows when Sei is thinking about sex. It is the way she stands, the suggestive inviting stance of Sei that Yumi finds so attractive and exciting. The stance that makes one want to look at her, because she might be thinking something naughty. And it might be about you. It is her face however, that confirms it for Yumi. The sexy Satou smile is out in full force, the smile that Yumi thought was just for her. It is this, along with Sei's demeanour which feels like a slap in her own face. She looks at Katou-san, and sees something similar directed up at Sei. The click click of pieces falling into place.

Yumi, at this precise moment, in this heat, in this leafy Tokyo college, surrounded by quite well to do young ladies, feels the hammer blow of karma. She is standing here with a woman she slept with twice without Sei's knowledge, a woman she refuses to let go of. She deserves this. Oh, does she deserve this. But another part of her, a part vying for the number one spot in her conscious mind, is betrayal so deep it sickens her. If they are not already sleeping together, then it will not be long until they do. Their attraction to each other is obvious and practically alive in its own right. The sudden unbidden thought of someone else's hands on Sei, of someone kissing her, of Sei wanting them to, makes Yumi feel physically sick. The air is leaving her lungs and she is forgetting to take another breath. She is losing her focus. Sachiko, who clearly does not know what is going on, holds onto Yumi's arm. Yumi shakes her off. She backs off and bows to Sachiko, apologising, saying that she has to go now, _no, no, right __now; I'm sorry Onee-sama_. And Yumi flees. Two weeks pass before she sees Sei again.

五

Yumi had gone as quickly as public transport allowed her to the apartment, and packed her textbooks and some clothes into a suitcase, leaving anything she would not need immediately, and rang Shimako. Shimako had not yet left for England, because their school year did not begin until late September. She had been over for a month after she received news that she had been accepted to view the campus and arrange somewhere to live, then she came home to spend time with her family and friends. So Yumi had rang Shimako, her family's shrine and home quite removed from Tokyo, and asked her a huge favour, which Shimako did not hesitate to grant. She did not ask what the matter was over the phone. She did not query Yumi in any way. She just said she would be waiting at the bus stop, and does Yumi remember how to get to her house? Yumi said she did, and thanked her.

She got the train and bus to Shimako's neck of the woods, wondering how Shimako had managed to do this twice a day. Shimako was waiting at the bus stop as promised, with the addition of a kind smile. She eyed Yumi's suitcase, but declined to say anything. That evening, in the peaceful surrounds of Shimako's home, Yumi had finally reached her limit. The two high school friends sat beside each other on the veranda that encompassed the Japanese style Toudou home. Shimako leaned against Yumi, and as the sun set, Yumi told her everything. About Sachiko, about Sei and about herself. She apologised repeatedly to Shimako about doing this to her. Shimako gently dismissed her apologies, encouraging her to go on and finish. As the cicadas got louder with the hush of the night, as stealthy darkness crept upon them, Shimako heard out Yumi, and held her as she cried.

Yumi has spent the last two weeks with Shimako, who has to remind Yumi that she is welcome to stay as long as she likes. When Yumi gets conscious about imposing, Shimako smiles and says Yumi would do the same for her. They are friends, very good friends, best of friends. Yumi should not worry about these things. Indeed, Yumi has enough to worry about, so let this not be added to the pile. And if that is not enough, she also reminds Yumi that this is a shrine, a place of sanctuary as well as prayer. Would Yumi dispute the word of a miko? Yumi would not. Yumi has called her parents to tell them about her change of circumstances, obviously not telling them why. She outright lied about it. She assured them that spending time with her friend before she goes abroad will not affect her studies. They told her Sei has called a number of times, and has even come to the house. They asked if everything is OK. Yumi dodged the question, calmly assured them again that she is fine, Sei is fine, and yes, she just suddenly decided to do it. Her mother did not believe her, and offered for Yumi to come home if she wanted. Yumi had not wanted this, knowing she was not fooling her mother, but their unspoken conversation over the phone seemed to leave both of them still trusting each other's judgement.

Yoshino called her, and told her that Sei came to her house looking for her. Sei was nice about it, apparently, not meaning to intrude, but she could not find Yoshino at college. Which, Yoshino informed Yumi, was a pure fib, because she knows her schedule as well as her own and Sachiko's. Apparently, Sei is still an Onee-sama, in some ways. Yoshino also informed her that Sei was actually looking for Yumi, and got the feeling she wanted to see if she was staying with Yoshino. Yoshino wanted to know what was going on. Having bared her soul so completely so recently, Yumi was not up to doing it again. Perhaps later, but not right then, not over the phone. She apologised to Yoshino for causing such trouble for her. Yoshino said it was no bother, just a surprise, to find Sei-sama sitting on the curb outside of her house waiting for her. Yumi said yes, that must have been a shocker all right. It shocked her. Yoshino then asked if there was anything she could do? Yumi said no, there was nothing Yoshino could do, and no, there was no message she wanted to pass on to Sei.

Touko called the day after that saying much the same, except she also offered Yumi a place to stay. Yumi expressed her gratitude to Touko for thinking of her, all the while she felt extremely unworthy of such care that her friends have been showing her. If they only knew, she thought. Shimako knows, but seems to be fine with Yumi. Yumi does not understand it. Shimako, who loves Sei very much, is not taking sides at all. In one of their conversations, Shimako told Yumi that she cannot take sides. That is not her inclination nor her assigned role. She said, in her gentle meandering Shimako way, that everybody makes mistakes, and that Yumi's heart has been split for a long time. She needed to get her head together, and while she did not agree with many of Yumi's actions, she felt Yumi should not take the entire blame for what happened. Should Yumi have known better? Oh yes, Shimako was adamant about that. Are emotions easy to control? Oh no, Shimako was just as adamant about that. Are humans fallible creatures? Oh yes, Yumi, to that also. But she was not alone in this. She was not, and is not alone in any of it.

Sachiko actually came to Shimako's house to see her. They took a walk around the property and looked at flowers and trees, as the evenings stretch on until at least ten p.m. at this time of the year. Sei was looking for her, Sachiko told her, as she pointed out a particularly lovely hydrangea. And she has stopped coming to college. Her teachers were worried. Yumi asked Sachiko if she has spoken to Sei, and stopped to look at the hydrangea Sachiko pointed out, not looking at Sachiko at all. In fact, she found it extremely hard to make eye contact with her. She has, but only to say that Yumi was not with her, she was not hiding Yumi, nor had she kept her from her, that until Touko told her, she did not know where Yumi had taken herself off to. Did Sei know now, Yumi asked. Yes, her Onee-sama told her. Sei was now aware of where Yumi was because Sachiko told her as soon as Touko told her. Sachiko asked her what she planned to do. Yumi mulled over that for quite a while. She had been hiding out at Shimako's for a week at that point, and was no closer to an answer to that. She will have to go to Sei eventually, and tell her what she told Shimako, the parts that she does not know. And she wanted to know about Katou Kei. That wrenched at Yumi again. Was she finding solace with Katou-san now? She found it hard to breathe again. Sachiko reached out to her, but Yumi shook her head. _Not now, Onee-sa__ma_. Yumi told Sachiko that she planned to be completely honest with Sei. She did not need to specify about what. Sachiko said that was Yumi's decision, and she would abide by it. Sachiko sighed quietly beside her. Yumi said it was getting late. Sachiko sighed again, and took her leave. And it was Yumi who felt bad about that.

If Sei has stopped attending class, Yumi is quite the opposite. She is burying herself in work, not wanting to deal with the situation. She does not know how this is going to end, cannot see a clear path though this briary forest, so she works. She is used to going without much sleep, and indeed, after nearly a year of living on a maximum four hours a night, she again falls back into that routine. When she checks her phone, she is careful to bypass all the texts Sei has sent her. She does not answer her calls, or any numbers she does not recognise, does not listen to her voice messages, of which there are many. Yumi has surprised herself by hiding from Sei. Sei, of all people. It is a strange thing not to speak to her for so long. Not to see her face, or hear her voice. Though they had been drifting she still spoke to Sei, still shared most of her nights with her. Ironically, it is Sei Yumi wants to speak to about this. But she cannot. At least, not yet. Yumi is upset to the point of overload and cannot see past it. She cannot even try to. It hurts too much right now. And she has the sneaking suspicion she is making everything worse by not talking to Sei, who must be going out of her mind.

Today, Yumi is at university, the Komaba campus, where she will spend her initial two years before officially choosing her degree course, though Yumi already knows what she wants to do; it was the reason she applied to Todai in the first place. Her classes are over for the day, and she is going to the library, where she will study until she can take the last train and bus to Shimako's house. When she gets back to Shimako's, she will take a bath, and then study some more. Shimako will nudge at her to eat, because Yumi has been decidedly lackadaisical in that area. She will cave, and make a sandwich, or eat something Shimako made earlier. After two weeks, they have fallen into a routine. Thanks to this concerted effort not to think about the things that are tearing her asunder, she is miles ahead in her studies. Fuelled by her desire to not think about Sei or what she is doing to herself, she is quickly placing herself in the top percentile of students. Her tutors are pleased. She is drawing the attention of her contemporaries. And Yumi does not care in the slightest. This is something to do. She is running on automatic, and is not sure how long she can maintain this until she is running on empty.

She chats amiably to her fellow students as she exits the classroom, passing into the sunshine of a gorgeous June afternoon. As she says goodbye to Homu-chan, her new friend and rival, she turns her head, and there is Sei, standing away from the main door, out of the foot traffic of the flowing student body. There is Sei, who looks like she has been standing there for a very long time. Perhaps she has. Yumi stops, allowing people to pass her by. She stops and her eyes meet Sei's across the space between them. Yumi forgets where she is. Because there is Sei, in her customary tight jeans and favourite red tee-shirt. The same one she sent her to Sachiko's villa with. Her beautiful face shows surprise at seeing Yumi. Clearly, she was not expecting to find Yumi. Yumi begins to walk toward her. Their eyes stay on each other, Sei becoming clearer as she approaches her. _She looks tired_, is Yumi's first thought. Yumi feels so guilty at this, that she has caused that tiredness in Sei, the energetic and lively Sei, she has made her look like this. She feels she may have to sit down, because is going to fall down as she comes to a stop in front of Sei. She does not fall down. She stops and looks at Sei, looks into the grey eyes she has missed.

-I got the right door, finally.

Is the first thing Sei says to her, smiling a little. And this is the first time Yumi has heard her voice in two weeks. Yumi's throat is tight. Even if she had something to say, she is not sure she could say it.

-I never came here before. This place is huge.

She is not smiling now.

-So huge, in fact, that I have been wandering around here for two weeks looking for you.

There is an edge creeping into Sei's voice, and Yumi watches her get it under control. Sei sighs, and looks Yumi up and down.

-Shimako wouldn't let me come to her house.

This surprises Yumi. Shimako refusing Sei. That must have hurt, she thinks, for both of them.

-She seems to be taking good care of you. You're looking well, Yumi. I must remember to thank Shimako.

This is clearly Sei giving Yumi a chance to say something, anything. As Sei speaks, she can only look at her. She feels as if her mind has shut down. _Is this what having a break down feels like?_

-Yumi…

Sei is begging her to say something. The tone of her voice, the pain in it, is what shakes Yumi out of her torpor. And although this is not the place she would have chosen to have this discussion, Sei has chosen it.

-I slept with Sachiko twice since that day.

They both know, of course, what Yumi is talking about.

-When?

-When her grandmother died and on her wedding day.

-Jesus.

Sei slumps. She looks like Yumi punched her. Yumi wants to go to her, but she holds back. Sei would push her away, and the thought of that kills her. Sei's eyes are suddenly sharp and on her again.

-I knew it. I fucking knew it. I wanted to be wrong, but I knew something had happened. God. Yumi.

Yumi cannot help it. She lowers her gaze from Sei. Her hair which has grown quite long, covers her face. She has no excuses for what she did. Sachiko needed her, and she has always given Sachiko what she needs.

-How many times do I talk to Sachiko throughout the day? How many times have we spoken about you? And all that time…

Yumi keeps her eyes down, not wanting to see the betrayal on Sei's face, not wanting to see if the tears she hears in her voice have made it to her eyes.

-Say something!

Sei suddenly raises her voice. It is not quite a shout but it is on its way to one. Yumi just shakes her head. What can she say? Sorry sounds too weak, even in her head. She never though they would have this kind of fight. Then again, she never thought she would sleep with Sachiko again after what she talked Sei into. But she did, she did, twice more, she did. The second time, on Sachiko's wedding day, Sei had been in the Ogasawara house. The whole time, in another part of the house with Youko and Sachiko's mother. When Sei told her later what Sachiko's mother had them doing, Yumi had laughed at the appropriate moments, but she was not really there. She was deep in her own self-hate. Sei had looked so beautiful that day, in a dress (a dress!) she had paid a shocking amount of money for, but she had made a huge effort, because it was Sachiko getting married, and as a former member of the Yamayurikai and Sachiko's friend, Sei had made an effort. All Yumi could think was_ I'm_ _sorry_. Her mind kept going over helping Sachiko into her dress, and Sachiko turning to her and kissing her, hard, with remembered familiarity, and Yumi kissing her back, taking her in her arms. Sachiko kept saying she was sorry_, but please, Yumi, please_.

The first time was Yumi's fault. Sachiko had been near inconsolable. She had loved her grandmother, and her grandmother had loved her back. They were very good friends, the two of them. While in families there is expectations to respect, there is none to love, and they had loved each other very much. Sachiko had needed her that day, her and only her. And that is why Youko and Kashiwagi-san had come to get her, because nobody else could breach the wall of grief that Sachiko had erected around herself. Sachiko, as soon as she saw her petite soeur standing in her room, calling to her, went to Yumi. She told Yumi how much she loved her over and over, distraught at her loss, clinging to Yumi. And Yumi told her that she loved her also. Because she did love her. Does love her. And that afternoon, Yumi had slowly and gently removed Sachiko's uniform, and her own, and spent the rest of the afternoon loving her, consoling her. Betraying Sei with every caress, with every kiss, with every soft cry she wrung out of Sachiko that day until the sun went down.

-She needed me.

Yumi whispers now, standing before the woman she is in love with. This woman she loves so much, that she only got this confession because Yumi got the shock of her young life when she thought Sei may want somebody else. The hypocrisy is not lost on Yumi.

-What?

Sei asks, so sharp that Yumi winces.

-She needed me.

A little louder this time.

-She needed you.

There is so much scorn when Sei says this, so much disgust, that Yumi finally looks up. This is a tone that Yumi has never heard from Sei.

-She needed you, Yumi? Really?

-Yes. She needed me. Because she was hurting and scared, and she needed me.

-And what? That means you have sex with her? Why, Yumi? Why do we have to go through this again? Why can't you just love me? She always needs something Yumi, that's who Sachiko is. That doesn't mean you have to give it to her. I hate this. She is in everything, and I hate it.

Yumi looks into Sei's pain and anger, and her heart breaks. One big crack this time, slicing through the muscle.

-I should have said no from the start. I should have gotten angry, or staked my claim, or done something. But I was scared Yumi, so scared that if I did, I would lose you somehow. I talked myself into accepting that Sachiko had to be involved in us. But she doesn't, and now _look_ at this. Just _look_ at it.

Sei takes a few deep breaths.

-I can't stand this anymore.

Sei whispers, her voice an echo of what it was. And this is the time Yumi picks to ask.

-What are you doing with Katou Kei?

-What?

-You heard me.

-I thought I was mistaken.

-Then I'll say it again. What are you doing with Katou Kei?

-Nothing.

Nothing, but Yumi does not believe her. There is the taste of a lie in Sei's words. It does not gladden Yumi in any way shape or form to think she might be right about this.

-But it's there, isn't it?

She has further confirmation in the fact that Sei does not question what the 'it' may be. Sei opens her mouth and then closes it again. Her face is a mask, and Yumi knows things have gone further than just liking each other, than just the two of them finding each other attractive. Yumi looks at Sei, peers at her, her eyes hot and sore. She wills Sei to say the words, whatever those words will say.

-I deserve this Sei, so you may as well say it.

-It's not like that.

Yumi winces again, unable to stop her face from making the shape of it. Sei looks at her, and nearly takes a step toward her.

-Then, what's it like?

Yumi says, grounding the words out, even though she is shaking inside. Her broken heart is pumping hard in her chest, and she feels light headed. Sei is eyeing her carefully, weighing her words.

-We spoke about it.

She says eventually, taking a few moments to get to it.

-And?

Yumi does not actually want to ask this. Now that they get to it, she does not want to know. This is probably the most cowardly she has felt since this whole debacle began unfolding itself, and her life came apart at the seams, through her own weaknesses.

-We just talked about it. Nothing has happened between us. Nothing physical, if that is what you are worrying about.

There is a brief wash of that hypocritical relief through Yumi, who at least can let go for the moment of the incredible, sickening jealousy that she has been trying to push away. She is the only one to touch Sei. She feels beyond stupid and ridiculous for thinking it, for feeling it, but she cannot help it. She has no right to it, considering what she let happen with Sachiko. Yumi knows this. But she is not going to let either of them off the hook.

-Talked about it?

She pushes on. Sei's looks a little impatient at Yumi's line of questioning.

-Our feelings, Yumi. We talked about our feelings for each other.

-Are you in love with her?

Yumi wants to close her eyes as she asks, as if this will soften the blow somehow. She does not. She has been a coward for long enough. _At least look at her_, Yumi thinks, preparing herself for the loss of Sei, and worse, deserving to lose Sei.

-No, Yumi, I'm not in love with her.

There is a 'but' hanging onto the end of that. Yumi, who has not taken her eyes off Sei for this whole discussion, steals herself, and urges Sei to go on. Sei looks a little defeated, or sad, or angry. It is hard to gauge her, because she has her poker face in place, that when Sei is determined, not even Yumi can penetrate it.

-I'm attracted to her Yumi. I won't deny it. And Kei is attracted to me. We spoke about that, because it needed to be spoken about.

-And what did you decide?

-Christ, Yumi, I just spent two weeks chasing up our friends and trawling this campus looking for you. What do you think happened?

-I want to hear you say it.

Sei sighs, and breaks eye contact with Yumi. She is trying to maintain some semblance of calm.

-It was not a decision. There was nothing to decide. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you all this time. I want to be with you. That's all I want. I have put up with your special relationship with Sachiko, because I didn't want you to be unhappy. At the start, I just didn't trust us enough to say no. That that was an option for me with you.

This is very shocking for Yumi. This is not at all how she feels their relationship is like. Sei never said anything about this, and it is not something Yumi would think to ask about. Sei wipes her face with her hand.

-As time went on, I just got used to her there. Then I met Kei, and I don't know, she's interesting. She's the first friend I made outside of Lillian.

Yumi suddenly thinks that this must be very refreshing for Sei. To meet people who do not know her. They would only know her as Satou Sei, not Rosa Gigantea, not the girl who cut off her hair after a failed love affair, who progressed on to being the flirt, the tease. They would just know this Sei, the Sei she wishes to present to them. The 'Sei' Sei is growing to like. Yumi has seen Sei with her friends from college. She is charismatic and clever, quick on her feet in conversation. She draws people to her. Yumi would never begrudge Sei friends, and she has never felt jealous over her friendships with other people. That is not how Yumi is put together. But Katou-san is an exception. She is very prominent in Sei's social life, seems to hold a particular place. What makes it worse is that Yumi really likes her. She thought Katou-san liked her too.

-But what does it mean?

Yumi asks after a long pause. They stand gazing at each other. The campus is quiet. Most of the students would either be gone to their part time jobs, or cracking the books so hard, something may just break. Or getting drunk, a popular college pastime, Yumi discovered.

-In what way?

Sei asks back.

-For us, Sei. What does it mean for us?

Sei takes a breath and looks up at the sky. Sei's version of closing her eyes is to look away. She stares are the clear blue sky over Komaba campus.

-Do you still love me?

She asks finally. Yumi is floored by the question. Sei continues to inspect the sky and Yumi can see her brace herself. She straightens her shoulders and somehow pushes herself against the concrete under her feet. Sei seems to genuinely not know what answer she will get. For Yumi, not loving Sei was never a question, and certainly not one she expected to hear Sei say to her again. Not after nearly three years together. Yumi sees now how far things have gotten out of control. She knew, of course she knew, but to have it articulated in that one question…It is a very hard, hard moment. Yumi is mute with wanting to say many things to Sei. Instead she moves closer to her, and reaches up to stroke her face. Sei looks down at her and Yumi can see the need to cry very clearly in her grey eyes, and that it is pure will power alone holding them in check.

-I still love you, Sei.

-Enough to give up Sachiko?

Yumi, who knew this question would surely come, stops stroking the soft skin of Sei's cheek, and lowers her hand to rest it on her shoulder. What she says next will decide the course of the rest of her life. Standing here in a situation she could never have envisioned when she started high school, when she met the Yamayurikai, Yumi wants so badly to do the right thing, whatever that is. She has always tried to do the right thing, with varying degrees of success, forgetting time and time again, that the right thing is subjective. Yumi should know this already, as it is a bit useless thinking about it now. Her initial response is to ask Sei if she will give up Katou Kei, but that seems petty and she quite rightly dismisses it. This situation is only nominally about Katou Kei, and mostly to do with the car crash that Yumi put in motion when she was sixteen, when she did not make her choices clearly. She let her emotion get in the way, because this is also how Yumi is put together. Because she loves. She loves too much. Because she still loves Ogasawara Sachiko, but in a way that is so very hard to explain.

How does she convey to Sei why she slept with Sachiko those two times, how Sachiko craves that particular comfort from Yumi when she feels like her world is ending. There really are no words to satisfactorily explain this. Not even to Sei, who has the capacity to understand a great many things about the world they live in. How to say, _when I do this, Sachiko knows I have not abandoned her. That __words between Sachiko and I are not always enough_. That when Sachiko is scared, she wants Yumi. But when Yumi is scared, she wants Sei. When Yumi is happy, she wants Sei. It is make or break time for Yumi, and for Sei because of Yumi.

-Yumi…

Sei is looking at her. Not only is her face a mask, her eyes are neutral. But there is some crumbling around the edges. That is what Yumi and only Yumi can see. She looks Sei dead in the eye. She has to drag the word out of her, as she finishes, really finishes this time, a chapter of her life. She will always love her, and support her, but she cannot in the same way. They both have to grow up. They both have to stand on their own.

-Yes.

Then Sei does cry, shocking Yumi again. Yumi, who has seen all sorts of moods and reactions from Sei, is shocked by the sight of Satou Sei crying in public. She takes a ragged screamy breath and the tears leak down her face. Yumi puts her arms around Sei, and Sei pulls Yumi hard against her, leaning on her. Yumi holds her entire weight and welcomes it.

-Will you come home now?

Sei says after an indeterminable amount of time. She is calming down and standing back from Yumi, leaving her hands on Yumi's shoulders. Yumi now has to hurt Sei again.

-Not yet.

-Why?

There is nothing accusatory in Sei's question. To Yumi, she looks as if she was expecting it. She forgets, sometimes, how well Sei knows her.

-I need something. Time, I guess. I'm…

Yumi reaches for the right phrase to accurately describe her turmoil for Sei. Nothing even vaguely suitable comes to her, so she opts for a cliché and hopes Sei catches her drift.

-…I'm not at peace with myself.

Sei looks thoughtful at this from Yumi. Her whole demeanour is softer than it was a while ago. It occurs to Yumi that Sei is already forgiving her, or talking herself into forgiving Yumi. That if she went home now, they will be awkward with each other for a while, until they have learned to pretend they have forgotten about this. Yumi does not want Sei to forgive her so quickly, nor does she want to lie anymore. She does not forgive herself. She does not forgive herself for thinking it was OK to lie to the woman she says she is in love with just because it was Sachiko. What Yumi did renders all of her professions of love hollow. She meant them when she said them, of course she did, but it did not stop her from cheating. Did not stop her from lying. And she does not want Sei to forgive her because she is scared of losing one of her fixed points. She wants to go home, and go home now, because it would be easier. Easier for them to pretend that everything is going to be fine, just fine, until they have an argument, and the whole thing comes up again. So Yumi cannot go home just yet, because for her, now, it would be more lying, and she has had enough. She suddenly thinks of Yoshino giving Rei back her rosary.

Sei is still watching her, as their eyes meet, Yumi can see that Sei is making some of the same connections. Not all the same ones, because Sei will have her particular slant on it, but their thoughts in general seem to be in accord, even if they come at certain topics from very different angles. But they are alike, in a deep and unknowable way, a way that does not bear easy definition. One of the many reasons why they fell in love in the first place.

-Can I visit?

Sei asks eventually, a small smile playing on her lips, and for Yumi it is like watching the sun come out from behind a particularly awful and aggressive cloud. No, Yumi is not going to bring up Katou Kei, at least, not right now. Not while Sei is smiling, even if just a bit. She will trust Sei to handle it, if indeed, there is anything still to handle.

-Yeah.

Yumi answers, smiling a little back. They part then, for there is nothing left to say at this juncture. Yumi watches Sei walk away, and she feels very lonely and off balance. She wants to follow her, as she always does. She wants to catch up to her, and take her by the hand, and say:_ I've changed my mind, take__ me home with you_. They could go back to their apartment, and make probably very awkward yet impassioned love, and she could show Sei that she loves her. But it would be another kind of lie. There is something nagging at Yumi, something she cannot quite put her finger on that she wants to happen. Her mind chases at this slippery ethereal thought. Instead of going to the library, she goes back to Shimako's place, the thought still evading her on the trip back.

六

Two days later Yumi comes back to Shimako's after college, to find Sei waiting for her. She is sitting on the veranda with Shimako, enjoying the evening sun. Yumi is nearly at the top of the hill when Sei sees her. She stands up and waits. Yumi smiles at both of them when she arrives, happily slinging her book bag onto the ground, groaning with pleasure as it hits the dirt. She did not want to study at the library today, so borrowed the books she needs, forgetting where she had to drag them to. Shimako welcomes her home, and then remembers she has some matter she wishes to discuss with her father. Yumi smiles again at her, throwing both an apology and a _thank you_ to her with that smile. Shimako shakes her head and disappears around the other side of the house. Yumi hops up onto the decking and sits, patting the space beside her. Sei sits back down, her long legs dangling over the side.

-Hello.

Yumi says, turning to look at Sei, who looks nice in dark slacks and a light shirt. She has taken to growing her hair again, and it curls softly past her collar. She, in Yumi's very biased opinion, looks gorgeous, and she badly wants to touch her. _She dressed up_, Yumi thinks, who can stop her hands but not her eyes from roaming Sei's body. _It has been a while_, Yumi admits to herself, feeling her own body respond to Sei sitting beside her.

-Hello.

Sei answers, smiling at Yumi looking at her. She leans back on her hands and turns her long frame toward Yumi, a look of mischief on her face, daring Yumi. Yumi laughs and looks away. She is as weak as ever for Sei's body. Sei is an endlessly fascinating playground for Yumi, much as she is for Sei. Which reminds Yumi again, that even before they came to this impasse, it had been quite a while since they were intimate_. I forgot something important_, crosses Yumi's mind, returning her gaze to Sei. She leans back on her hands, matching Sei's position.

-I held off for two days.

-I'm very proud of you.

-I'm proud of myself.

They both snort at this.

-Actually, I thought Shimako would still withhold you from me. Then I decided I didn't care.

-You doorstepped her.

-Yup. She didn't look too surprised. It's nice to see her again.

-I'm going to miss her a lot. It must have been hard, having me here.

-Don't underestimate her. I think she is more grown up than the both of us.

Yumi understands what Sei means by this. While she does not entirely agree, she does not disagree either. In fact, she mostly agrees. Shimako is wise beyond her years, or at least has the patience of someone older than her. She and Sei are quiet for a time, both of them taking in the pretty surrounds of the shrine. Sei starts moving beside her, and Yumi looks to see what she is doing. She has a bag on her lap that Yumi failed to notice earlier. It is open, and Sei is casting a beady eye on the contents.

-I brought you some things, just in case. You didn't take much, and I don't think you have been back?

Yumi shakes her head at the last part. She has not stepped foot inside the apartment since she ran. She has not gone to Harajuku at all, let alone the apartment. She just bought anything she needed when she finally assessed what she brought with her. This is Sei's way of saying: _we have time. No need to rush_. Sei pushes the bag to her, and Yumi accepts it, thanking Sei for her thoughtfulness, wondering all the while why Sei is still so concerned for her welfare. Surely Sei knows by now that Yumi does not deserve this kind of thoughtfulness from her. While Yumi looks at what Sei packed for her, Sei picks up the conversation.

-Sachiko came to see me.

Yumi feels no surprise at this. Sei was present at a number of life changing experiences with Sachiko, and there is something indefinable between them. It is a complex matter that neither of them discuss with Yumi. Yumi, if she thinks of it, which is sometimes, does not bring it up either. Being in the same college, still junior and senior, they maintain to some degree the roles they held in high school. Some habits die very hard, and as far as they are concerned, it is not such a bad habit. Sei is better at being an Onee-sama than she thinks and her treatment of Sachiko shows this. As Yoshino told her a few weeks ago, Sei knows Sachiko's timetable and she knows Yoshino's. Sei is protective by nature, even as she tries to control it, so she has looked out for Sachiko, and to a lesser extent Yoshino; she has kept them company. And enjoys it, as far as Yumi can see. Sei and Sachiko over the last couple of years really have become friends. Which makes what Yumi did, even of it was a while ago now, and nothing has happened since, all the worse. Both of them carried this secret, while remaining close to Sei. Part of Yumi wonders if she considered it none of Sei's business, what happened between her Onee-sama and herself.

-And?

Yumi asks. Sei sighs.

-It was a very surreal visit.

-She took the blame.

Yumi guesses this is something Sachiko would feel right and proper about doing. Again, those habits of Onee-sama and petite soeur. Sachiko is the older one, and therefore the instigator, even of that is not entirely true.

-Yeah…yeah…she did. To be expected, I think. It was the way she did it. It felt like we were in a different era. It was uncomfortable, to be honest.

What did Sachiko do? Yumi wonders. She looks at Sei again, the evening sun catching her features, casting them in soft tones. At twenty one, an age Yumi's mother refers to as 'old teenager', Sei is possibly even more attractive. She has settled somehow; there is a steadiness in her. This Sei is less impulsive, yet just as playful. But still there is a melancholy. A deep longing is the only way Yumi can think to phrase it. It is a part of Sei's basic make up. Before Yumi began living with Sei full time, she did not realise how deep this thorn lay. There were times when Sei was withdrawn from Yumi, introspective and would not tell Yumi the reason why. Now that Yumi thinks about it, as she waits for Sei to tell her about Sachiko's 'surreal' visit, there is a lot that Sei does not share with Yumi. She wonders if these are things she feels more comfortable sharing with Katou Kei, who does not know Sei is the same way.

She always considered herself and Sei incredibly close. They are intimate on many levels, despite the drift that has occurred as they adjusted to this new phase in their lives. She thought perhaps, this being the first time either of them have lived with another person, indeed, the first time either of them have been in a couple, in a real relationship, it would just take a bit of time until they found a rhythm that suited them. So they could spend more time together, despite external demands. But they are not as intimate as Yumi thought. There was a lot Sei was holding back, enough to match her own, it appears. Yumi wonders now if she has been too accepting of some aspects of Sei. That perhaps she could have pushed at her more_. __I have been complacent._

-She got down on her knees and pleaded your case.

-She what?

Yumi's voice goes faint and high on the last word. She stares at Sei, waiting for her to laugh. Sei does not. She looks Yumi square in the face.

-Ogasawara Sachiko got down on her knees in our apartment and begged me to forgive you. She said she was to blame for everything. For not letting you go and manipulating you.

-What did you do?

-Well, I told her to get up, of course.

Yumi is speechless. She can feel her jaw hanging and snaps her mouth shut. She expected what Sachiko said, but did not expect her actions. She feels a bright scalding shame. Then Sei shows her hurt.

-But that's not the whole truth, is it, Yumi?

Yumi briefly feels the urge to run again. But Sei has caught her in her depthless grey gaze. Yumi never wavers from it as she slowly shakes her head. No, that is not the whole truth.

-You promised me nothing would happen between you. You gave your word. Do you remember?

Yumi flinches, her shame flaring once again. She remembers her promise. She thought of it both times she had sex with Sachiko. She remembers also the lies of omission, she remembers that she felt it was OK, because it was Sachiko, and Sachiko needed her. She remembers jars and lids, and Sei's endless patience with what she rightly termed Yumi's 'special relationship' with Sachiko. Sei is scrutinising her with that microscopic gaze that she has, as if she can see the very cells that make up Yumi.

-I asked you question.

Sei's voice is deceptively gentle. It is so at odds with the look in her eyes, that it jars Yumi, and she suddenly feels afraid, that even if somehow she does not lose Sei, they will lose their magic, and their relationship will peter out, spluttering like a damp squid, and they will be no more. Going through the motions of wanting to be with each other, their exquisite passion a memory that mocks what they might have been.

-I remember.

She finally says. And another span of silence yawns between them. At this moment, this long hard moment, Yumi has never felt so far away from Sei. She may as well be sitting here with a stranger. Not the girl she gave her virginity to, not the woman she lives with. But they have been far away from each other for a while. Sei changes tack.

-I'm sorry about Kei.

Yumi shakes her head.

-I deserved that.

Yumi feels broken inside.

-The same way I don't deserve you, and I never did. I-

-Stop.

Sei interrupts her, her tone tired. Yumi stills.

-Don't do the self-recrimination thing. It doesn't make either of us feel better.

Yumi hears the impatience in Sei. Though she should expect this, it still hurts, for Sei to be like this with her. This whole mess hurts. And Sei hurts.

-I'm putting some distance between Kei and I. Can I expect the same from you and Sachiko? Will you keep this promise, Yumi?

-Yes.

Yumi readily agrees, that hypocritical relief flooding her again. Sei climbs to her feet, and brushes off her slacks. Yumi looks up the long length of Sei and feels bereft. Sei is going to leave, and Yumi feels they have not said enough. She holds Sei's bag tighter, touching that instead of the woman herself. Sei is looking at her expectantly, a half smile stretching her lips. Yumi releases the bag and tucks in her feet, standing up. They stand facing each other, and despite her earlier thought of them having not said enough, she now does not know what to say. She wants Sei to stay and go.

-Would you like to have dinner with me, Yumi?

Sei asks, surprising a few years off Yumi's life. What on earth…?

-Are you…asking me out?

Yumi asks. The smile that is stretching Sei's lips finally makes it to her eyes.

-I am.

-On a date?

Sei huffs a laugh.

-I am.

She repeats. Yumi feels very flustered. Whatever she was expecting, it is certainly not this.

-This is very sudden.

She says, looking down at Sei's bag, feeling shy. She sees Sei raise up and down on the balls of her feet, fidgeting as is her way.

-Well…if you need time to think about it, the offer will remain for as long as that takes. I would like to take you out, though.

Yumi feels herself blush, not sure why. Still feeling shy, she just about peeps at Sei from under her lashes, Sei who is turning from her. When she sees that Yumi is looking at her again she stops, and does that funny little head tilt of hers: raising her chin and looking at Yumi from the corner of her eye. There is an air of 'come hither' about it that is pure Sei. Seeing it reminds Yumi yet again how much her has missed this person. Sei quirks a smile and finally turns to leave. Yumi panics.

-Wait-

Sei stops and looks over her shoulder at her, her eyebrow up. Yumi has to ask her.

-Why?

Sei turns all the way around again.

-Why?

She asks back, her face pensive. She puts her hands in her pockets and searches Yumi's face.

-Because we never did it.

The 'what' must be clear on Yumi's face because Sei huffs another laugh, but it is kind. It is familiar. Sei often laughs over Yumi's facial expressions.

-Dated, Yumi. We never actually dated. If you are amenable, I would like to do that with you.

Yumi just nods at her words. She agrees. They technically never dated. She remembers briefly a conversation about it years ago. It was just never applicable to them. Being in the same school, and so closely associated via the Yamayurikai, it just never came up. They were not strangers after all. They went from looking to touching to loving at the speed of light. So dating did not occur to Yumi, there was just no place for it. She went with the flow, because she wanted to be with Sei, and being in school and not living together, the time they did manage to carve out with each other was spent mostly physically engaged. Now living together, they have not really changed their habits. They are not used to each other, they seem out of context to each other. They are no longer Lillian high school girls, no longer Yamayurikai, and if they choose, they can have as much time together as they want. But they have not done that. Instead, a strange pedestrian element has crept into their relationship, and weaknesses are showing. There is dishonesty in their relationship. It created a chasm between them. It seems that Sei wants to build a rope bridge across that chasm, if Yumi wants to walk upon it. It may be unsteady, it may even be treacherous, but it is there. Again, Yumi cannot remember the last time they made love. And stupidly, that is the decider.

-I want that.

Yumi says, not entirely sure. Does she want to date Sei, or does she just miss sex with Sei? Conversely, she is curious as to why Sei wants to date her. Yumi has a small epiphany. She can ask Sei that, maybe on their date, and she can push for an answer.

-Can I pick you up tomorrow? Eightish?

Sei asks, smiling at Yumi. Yumi automatically smiles back, blushing again.

-I'll be waiting, Satou-san.

Yumi bows deep, a bow so formal it surprises Sei. Being well mannered, Sei of course bows back, as deep as Yumi.

-I won't keep you waiting, Fukazawa-san.

They smile shyly at each other, the low evening sun making colours warm and dreamy, turning the whole landscape golden.

七

So begins a whole new phase in Yumi's life. She begins dating her girlfriend. Despite what has happened between them, Sei is still her girlfriend, and Sei is still hers. Strangely, not once did she think otherwise. Sei has not mentioned it, and she wonders if their minds meet on this. Yumi still stays with Shimako every night. Sei either picks her up from the house, or they meet in the city. Sometimes they go for dinner, which Yumi starts to insist she pays for some of. Sometimes they go to the movies, if they are not in the mood to talk. Sometimes they go to arcades, to break up some of their more intense conversations. Sometimes they just wander aimlessly, window shopping. Yumi's paradox is that she feels something both recede and grow during these dates, the cumulative effect of these dates.

They are very careful not to touch. The time at Yumi's university being the last time they did. There is no hand holding, no hugging, no accidental nudging of shoulders. Nothing that would tip the delicate balance they are striking with these dates. They do not trust each other yet, and Yumi certainly does not trust herself. Once, they were in Harajuku, and Yumi nearly asked Sei to just take her home with her. She had looked over at Sei across the table of books between them, to find that Sei was already looking at her. The look in her eyes made Yumi want to leap athletically across the table and tear Sei's clothes off. Sei actually took a step toward her, and then backed off, finding the carousel of manga beside her suddenly very interesting.

They keep this up for a month. Every third day or so, they have a date of some description. Yumi finds her bravery to pursue Sei when she feels her clamming up. She asks Sei all the questions that wanted to ask, but either did not have the nerve, or felt were none of her business. Over the course of this month, Sei is more open and serious than Yumi has ever known her to be. And Yumi discovers that Sei _is_ her business. That there are many things she should know about Sei. And it is not a one way street. Sei asks her a lot of questions. Mostly about Sachiko, sometimes about other things. Yumi surprises herself by not being afraid to answer these questions, even if some of them make her squirm, and by Sei asking her these questions, she realises that she has been as secretive as Sei. Even if, just like Sei, it was not entirely intentional. That all this time, they have not been open with each other, only thinking that they have. Important changes in their lives have not been addressed. How their fears and worries have been buried under sex and patched with short-term fixes. They are young, and this is their first serious relationship. They are inexperienced, but they are not strangers, Yumi reminds herself again. And because of that, they took a lot for granted, what they thought they knew about each other. This should not have happened.

Yet it did. This close yet distant courtship is amazingly revelatory. As the month wears on, Yumi finds out exactly how much she did not know about Sei. Stupid, mundane things, like Sei's favourite colour (Red. Yumi thought it might be something more fantastical, but no, just red) or Sei's favourite band (Nine Inch Nails. She had never even heard of them) or the fact that Sei is toying with the idea of being a writer. It shocks Yumi how much she does not know about the woman she claims to be in love with. What have they been doing for the past three years? But then, Sei never spoke about these things, these basic, everyday things. And Yumi never thought to ask, for that matter. In her arrogance, in her carelessness, she had not thought these things important. Apparently, Yumi finds, they had both thought each other beyond it.

Sei speaks about Shiori. She admits that one of the reasons that she chose to go to Lillian college, is that she found it very difficult to let go of the memory of her, even with Yumi in her life. The idea of Shiori still haunts her, and a small part of her is still waiting for her to come back. This hurts Yumi very badly. She dislikes that Shiori is still winding her way through Sei's psyche. Dislikes even more that Sei is still hurting herself over her. Sei is such a sensitive person, that it seems likely that something of it will always stay with her. During this conversation, Yumi makes it her business to drive Shiori out somehow. Yumi does not care how long it takes, as long as she banishes her. Out of spite, Yumi makes the point that Sei is upset at having three people in her relationship with Yumi, yet the ghost of Shiori was there from the start. How does Sei think Yumi feels about this? Sei just as spitefully re-joins that she is not having sex with a ghost, is she? This is clearly a sore spot with Sei, but the night is a bust, because Yumi does not care anymore. But Shiori has to be put away, is what she leaves Sei with. She walks out on Sei in the restaurant, and takes the train and bus back to Shimako's.

It is a few days before they feel safe enough to see each other again. They do not speak of Shiori. Instead, much to Sei's surprise, Yumi brings up Sachiko again, feeling the subject of her Onee-sama still needs some explanation. She makes a brave attempt to try and explain why she slept with her those two times, and why she felt it was alright to lie to Sei about it. And Sei is very badly hurt all over again by this conversation. Yumi does her best not to make excuses or self-recriminate. She summons all of her courage in the face of her incredibly banal sounding reasons that made her do what she did. Sei gets angry over it, and makes a small scene in the coffee shop. This night Sei leaves her there, leaving her to find her own way home, saying perhaps Sachiko can send a car for her. Yumi puts her face in her hands after Sei's departure. She is not crying, but dangerously close. She is in Harajuku, and this is a coffee shop they are well known in, so Yumi does not care who sees her. She sits back, and looks at the brown ceiling, years of cigarette smoke lending it a mellow cast. The owner of the shop passes by her table, pats her on the shoulder, and takes away the cheque, crumpling it up as he goes. Yumi smiles an embarrassed thanks to him when he returns behind the counter, and he waves it away. She gets the train and the bus back to Shimako's place.

Another few days pass before they see each other again. Something is clearing though. They do not bring up their past conversations, choosing to move on. As they date, they continue to hurt and surprise each other. They laugh and they cry. They are angry and conciliatory. As one month bleeds into another, they keep up their routine. It becomes commonplace for them to see each other at least four times a week now, for varying lengths of time, and depending on the amount of work they have to do. Sometimes they go to a public library, and do their studying together. On the days that Yumi does not see Sei, she misses her terribly. Even though she does not know how each date will turn out, just being with Sei makes her very happy. She appreciates that they are getting to know each other again, (or is this for the first time?), and for the most part she enjoys this romance they are having. But there are things that Yumi misses. Because they are not strangers, because they are intimately acquainted with each other, there are certain aspects of their relationship that Yumi wishes would fall into place, even though she knows that they are not ready yet. She is horny, and feels ashamed of this, like she is breaking their rules of engagement, but she cannot help her body's reactions, or how Satou Sei makes her feel.

Perhaps Sei will stand close to Yumi in a lift, or to look at something with her, and she suffers with the effort to not reach out. Or when Sei smiles, she wants to kiss her smile, or if Sei is upset, Yumi wants to hold her. When they do touch, about a month a half into their arrangement, in is on the heels of Yumi saying the one thing she could not have said a couple of months ago.

They are in Harajuku again, not far from their apartment, having coffee in their favourite place. It is August, and Yumi is telling Sei that Shimako is elbow deep in making preparations for her new life in England. Yumi is talking about her concerns for Shimako, that she is nervous and there have been many tearful phone calls with Noriko. Shimako does not want to talk about it. Yumi expresses her helplessness to Sei. Sei allows for Yumi's feelings, but points out that Shimako is very strong individual who needs to do certain things. That talking about it, when her mind is clearly made up, may make her doubt herself and her decisions. Yumi is not happy about this, because she wants to be of some aid to Shimako. Sei makes an accurate summation of the situation, based on her knowledge of Shimako, and boils it down to its simplest form saying: that if Shimako needs Yumi, she will come to Yumi, but not before, and does Yumi want another white mocha? Yumi does, and Sei gets up, stretches and ambles into the coffee shop, taking their empty mugs with her.

Yumi watches her go, admiring once again how well Sei wears a pair of jeans. She smiles ruefully to herself, and changes the direction her mind is so keen to go in. Instead, she thinks of the conversation she accidentally overheard last night, as Shimako walked around the outside of her house, obviously forgetting she had a guest in one of the usually empty rooms. It was one of those angst-ridden phone calls with Noriko again, and all Shimako said was _I__'m sorry, I'm so sorry_, over and over. Sitting outside a coffee shop, in a place she knows so well, enjoying the August warmth, watching people go about their business, it hits her. Sei comes back with two mugs, one much bigger than the other. That one is Yumi's. She puts the mugs on the table and is about to sit down when Yumi finally says it.

-I'm sorry, Sei.

Sei looks poleaxed. Like Yumi just slapped her, and then carried on as if nothing happened. She sits heavily into her chair, looking wonderingly into Yumi's face, clearly asking Yumi what she is doing.

-I'm so sorry, Sei. For everything.

Yumi's eyes sting with tears that have a burning desire to show themselves. Two months ago, Yumi would have been very suspicious of her reasons for saying this. But now, Yumi can say it with a clear conscience. She is truly sorry for hurting Sei, for finding the one big wound in Sei and pouring acid on it. She places her face in her hand, covering her eyes, her elbow resting on the arm of the chair, her other hand gripping the edge of the table. She really wishes they were alone for her to say this, because she does not want others to see her this way, even here, and she wants to hide from Sei. She wishes she could have said this in a more adult fashion, but this is the way she chose to do it, so she just has to deal with it. However, she is embarrassed that her apology to Sei is so paltry. She is so very sorry, about everything. She feels Sei's hand on hers. Yumi separates two of her fingers and peeps at Sei, afraid of her rejection, excited by this simple touch.

-Thank you, Yumi. I too, am very sorry.

And with these words a new kind of space opens between them, and this one is far easier to breathe in. When they finish their coffee, it is dark, and Sei offers to drive Yumi back to Shimako's. The drive home is quiet, but comfortable. Sei drives up the hill, and pulls in not far from the front door of the Toudou house. They both get out of the car, and Sei comes around to Yumi's side. They say goodnight, but neither of them move. They stand beside each other, leaning on the yellow Beetle, listening to the engine tick, the cicadas chirping their endless toneless tune. It is a warm night and the moon is full, making the most of being this far from the city, it can cast a decent light. They turn and look at each other, the night time noises a soundtrack to Yumi's beating heart. Finally Sei speaks, making her whisper a part of the night sounds.

-Will you come home, Yumi?

Home. Home where Sei is. In Harajuku, with the visual K wannabes and the lollies. Home where Yumi was attempting to build a life on shaky foundations, as it turned out.

-Not yet.

Yumi whispers in return, also not wanting to disturb this special quietness. Sei nods her understanding. It is still too soon. Sei leans over and strokes Yumi's hair, sighing as she does so.

-Can I kiss you?

There is a real request in Sei's voice. She does not know what Yumi may say to this.

-I might die if you don't.

Yumi says, smiling at her dramatic answer. Sei smiles back. She bends at the waist and places her lips on Yumi's. Yumi tries to restrain herself. This could easily lead to something, and she really does not think she is emotionally ready for it. Physically, yes. Oh yes, all systems go. But she stills, feeling the warmth of the night and the soft feel of Sei's lips on hers, Sei's hand in her hair, _want you want you want you_ chanting through her. The kiss is sweet if slightly shy and awkward, their lips barely moving as they walk along the rope bridge they are spinning into being. They break this kiss at the same time, and Sei straightens up, the moonlight glinting off her grin.

-I suppose the back seat is out of the question?

-Go home!

They laugh and Sei gets back into her car. Yumi waves until the rear lights disappear. She stands looking at the moon for a while, running her fingers over her lips. Satou Sei, she thinks, turning to the house, wanting to see if her friend is still up.

八

A few days later, because Yumi does not trust herself to behave if she sees Sei too soon after kissing her, she is once again having coffee with her in Harajuku. There is a decidedly more flirty tone to their conversation this evening; a bantering that Yumi is glad to have back. They look at each other more freely today. And they have 'accidentally' touched enough to know that no one is fooling anyone here. They sip on their coffee, and Yumi updates Sei about the happenings of Shimako, who is meditating a lot.

-She seems to be calmer for it.

Yumi says, running her finger around the rim of her mug. Sei watches her do that.

-Has Noriko been to see her?

Sei asks, genuinely curious, tearing her gaze away from Yumi's actions with her mug.

-Not that I know of. If they are like that on the phone…

Sei makes a noise of agreement, going back to her contemplation of Yumi's hands.

-Should I go and see her? Shimako, I mean.

Yumi scoops up some of the foam of her coffee, and slowly sucks it off her finger. In all innocence, of course. Sei licks her lips.

-It wouldn't hurt.

Yumi says. Shimako may not want to bother Sei at this time, so Sei should probably be the one to approach her. Sei stands and stretches, somehow managing to run her hands down the front of her body, emphasising what lies beneath her tee-shirt. Yumi breathes her coffee instead of drinking it, and starts coughing. Sei laughs.

-Then I will. More coffee?

Sei turns to the counter and saunters up, and Yumi could swear it is more of a strut than a saunter, but there is a fine line between them, so she could be wrong.

-I'm good, thanks.

She manages to choke out to Sei's back. They sit and talk until the sun goes down. Sei drives her back to Shimako's again. They stay sitting in the car this time talking a while longer, the radio on low. Yumi takes off her seatbelt and turns more fully to Sei when there is a lull in the conversation.

-Can I kiss you?

Yumi asks quietly, her regard wavering between Sei's eyes and her lips.

-I might die if you don't.

Sei tags her with her own words. They laugh a little, and Yumi leans across to Sei and kisses her. This kiss is not so awkward and just as sweet as the last one. And longer. A lot longer. Yumi feels her belly get warm at the contact. She reaches out her hand and rests it on Sei's thigh. Sei's hand covers hers as they kiss with just their lips, pecking at each other with gentle movements. They break apart, both of them breathing heavily, and it is there, thick in the air.

-Yumi…

Sei whispers, squeezing her hand. Yumi's lust is like a pulse, pounding at the husky quality of Sei's voice, soaked with need, laden with her desire for Yumi. Yumi badly wants to make love, so badly wants Sei inside of her, because, god, she has missed Sei, and she loves Sei and she wants them back. She wants to be Sei's again and close the last of this gap between them. But not yet. No, not yet. She pulls back, but leaves her hand where it is, wanting to maintain some physical connection between them. They gaze at each other in the dark, the dashboard lights splashing over Sei's face, some forgettable music filling the space around them.

-I want to…but…

Yumi is already leaning toward Sei without conscious volition; Sei is leaning toward her.

-Yumi, the apartment is cold without you.

Sei says, squeezing Yumi's hand tighter. She reaches out her other hand to stroke Yumi's cheek, to run her thumb over her lips.

-I'm cold without you.

She finishes, leaning so close to Yumi that they are sharing the same air. Yumi wants to say yes, that she will come home and warm their lives again, because she knows what Sei means. She knows this cold Sei speaks of. But there is still some very troubling thoughts circling Yumi, still some problems that she cannot work through, despite the last couple of months. Her first issue is that she still hates herself a little. Actually, a lot. As per Sei's request, she has not contacted Sachiko, nor has Sachiko contacted her since her visit. Yumi has not asked if Sei talks to her at college, or if she is keeping her distance. Yumi suspects the latter. Sei is already in the process of forgiving Yumi, but Yumi cannot forgive herself. She still wonders if Katou Kei had not happened, would she ever have told Sei. What happened to her to her policy of honesty? What happened to keeping her promises? Yumi does not feel like herself anymore. Some of her essential Yumi-ness got lost somewhere.

And Yumi does not think that she deserves Sei. She also at sixteen did not think she deserved Sachiko. A knot of doubt sits in Yumi's stomach when she thinks of these things, that she has not yet earned the right to keep Sei. She thinks that Sei would disagree with this if she were to say it out loud. She thinks this because in different wording, she _has_ said it. She has also argued that it is the other way around. But Yumi does not believe her. And there is something else. Since Sei met Katou-san, they have been very close. For years now, they have been building this attraction. When did they speak about it? Oddly, Yumi never thought to ask this. Perhaps not so oddly, she thinks now. Perhaps, she did not want to know. So she asks now, killing the mood.

-When did you and Katou-san discuss how you felt?

Though they do not move from their positions much, it is like they suddenly jump back from each other. Sei leans her face against the head rest.

-A few months back.

-When?

Yumi is thinking of something.

-I don't know exactly. April, May, around Spring, I think. Why?

Yumi shakes her head.

-That long ago.

Yumi says. It had been that long ago…and all this time…Yumi feels deeply upset. It was when Yumi moved in. she wonders if it was before or after Sei spoke about marriage.

-This is like with Shimako.

She says. She does not mean this as an attack. She is hurt, it is true, but she is feeling no spite. She just sees a pattern.

-I suppose it is.

Sei exhales deeply as she says this. She sees it too. It is not new news to Sei.

-You said it a few years ago. Do you remember, when you scolded Sachiko and I for time sharing you?

Yumi does remember. All too well. She can smile a bit over it now. She can see how they came to that arrangement, and how it made perfect sense at the time.

-Just because you don't touch her, doesn't mean it's platonic.

Yumi paraphrases herself because she does not remember the actual wording of what she said when she was sixteen and angry.

-That's it. Things from the start where never platonic between Kei and I. I knew I should have left it alone, but I just couldn't. I was flattered that someone like her, from outside of Lillian, who never knew me as anything other than another student, liked me.

Sei contemplates Yumi's face. Yumi wants to be angry with her. But that worm, that canker, says that she deserves this, and strangles any sense of anger or righteousness before it can get off the ground. Because even though Sei has been unfaithful since she met Katou-san, if not in deed then in thought, is it any worse that what she has done, how she has felt? Is this why Sei is so forgiving? Yumi does not like this. It is like saying that she was never faithful to Sei because of Sachiko's place in her life, in their lives, and Sei knew it, all along. Why stop there? Sei is still waiting for Shiori. This is deeply disturbing. This line of thought is like picking at a scab. She particularly does not like having this occur to her now, just when they are beginning to make some headway through this mess. However, Yumi has learned, hard heart-breaking lessons in the past few months, that they have to talk about this now, or it will never lie still in its grave. They have come so far; have managed to create a space where they can talk about these difficult subjects, so she braces herself.

-But it's gone now.

-What happened?

Yumi asks, deliberately making herself gentle for Sei. Because her mood is swinging so alarmingly, she finds taking this approach easier to cope with.

-When we spoke about our feelings, it was a very open and honest conversation. It cleared the air, but that is when we should have stopped seeing each other. But foolish me, Yumi. I thought it would be fine. We had no intention of acting on our feelings, no intention of hurting you, but it made everything that bit more intense. Because then we knew for certain.

Sei turns from Yumi and leans back in her seat.

-Everyday, it was coming closer. When she went away on breaks, it was easier. But when she came back, part of me wishing she would stay gone, part of me wanting her back sooner, it would start again. I loved and hated it at the same time.

Yumi is beginning to wish she had not asked. She also turns and sits back in her seat, and the bottom is falling out of her world. To Yumi, it sounds like Sei fell in love. Even if she denies it, which Yumi doubts she will, Yumi can feel it in her. A sadness sweeps over her, as she sits in Sei's car, listening to Sei, whose heart is breaking also, over another woman.

-I wanted to sleep with her.

Yumi feels no surprise when she hears this admission. Of course Sei wanted to sleep with her. She fell in love with her.

-But you didn't.

-No.

There is no room for doubt when Sei says this. She did not sleep with Katou-san. Only Yumi slept with someone else. The silence between them strains. Yumi can feel Sei wanting to say more, but honestly, Yumi has had enough for one night. An acute exhaustion falls on her. She no longer wants to kiss Sei. She no longer wants to sleep with her. She wants to go to sleep, and spend a few hours not thinking about this disturbing emotional minefield. She feels so lonely. She slowly takes her hand back from Sei's thigh and reaches into the back seat to retrieve her bag. She turns to Sei.

-I won't be home for a while, Sei.

Sei nods at this. There is nothing more to say. They say goodnight, and Yumi exits the car. She does not wave Sei off this time. She listens to the sound of the car vanish into the night. She stands and looks at the waning August moon and feels cold. She does not see Sei for a week.

九

Yumi is saying goodbye to Shimako. Early this morning they took the train to Narita airport, hours ahead of Shimako's departure time, because Shimako is very nervous. She is trying not to show it, but Yumi knows her friend well, and knows the tell-tale signs of Shimako having a mild and genteel panic attack. But Shimako is a trooper and holds it together. The same, unfortunately, could not be said for Yumi. Shimako has already told Yumi she will probably not be home on her breaks from college, so the news that Shimako will be gone for at least four years was hard to fathom. That her lovely beautiful friend was going to be out of her life for so long pains Yumi. She is emotional this morning, and instead of Yumi reassuring Shimako, it is the other way around. By the time they arrive at the airport, Yumi is doing better. Shimako commends her bravery. Yumi starts laughing at this, and as the train pulls in, they are both slightly hysterical. They meet Yoshino is this state.

A couple of nights ago, they had a farewell party, consisting of Shimako, Yoshino and Yumi. It had been far too long since the three of them hung out, and it was sad that were doing it now because one of them is leaving the country for four years. Yoshino had been full of the kind of useless advice that caused convulsions of laughter. She had actually made a list, and proceeded with total solemnity, to inform Shimako that she needed to trade on being an Asian chick, because all westerners with blood in their veins are weak in the face of Asian chicks. She also reminded Shimako to let people think she is a black belt in something. Anything at all, make it up if she has to. Better yet, tell them, in a mysterious Japanese way, that she is the last of an ancient clan of ninjas. There was more to that, as the list was quite long, and got added to as the night wore on.

Yoshino is looking a bit weepy herself this morning, but being Yoshino she is claiming a wild night of passion is causing the redness around her eyes. Yumi, still giggly, asks her if is the tennis captain or the basketball captain? Yoshino tells her she is branching out, and it was the captain of the chess team. Shimako looks shocked, because Shimako never knows whether to believe Yoshino or not, which makes Yumi laugh even harder. Being an international flight, Shimako can check in her baggage quite early, so divested of her backpack, the three of them wander around the shops for a while, chatting and laughing, distracting themselves and each other from their sadness. They settle into a coffee shop and stock up, because they are going to be there a while. Shimako tells Yumi again she can stay as long as she likes with her father. In fact, it would be nice of her to keep him company, for a while at least. Yoshino offers her a place to stay also, if she feels uncomfortable imposing further on him. Yumi does not say it, but the reason she does not take her up on the offer is because Yoshino is too close to Lillian. She thanks them both. She lets them focus on her for a while, because none of them want to bring up Noriko, who has not come to say goodbye to Shimako. Only Yoshino and Yumi would know how devastated Shimako is over this. Noriko has made her position clear. Shimako accepts it. And that is good enough for her friends, but they will not mention it.

They talk and laugh, using the time they have left together to be light and fun. They want to send Shimako off remembering them smiling, not mourning. It is many rounds of coffee later with all of them suffering a sugar high from all the crap they have been eating when Shimako finally looks at her watch, and then looks up at her friends. They grab their various bags, Yoshino taking Shimako's as well, and they walk to the departures gate. There are lines already, snaking through security. Yumi fights down her need to cry, and is nearly successful. As Yumi hugs Shimako, Yoshino puts her knapsack on her back, lifting Shimako's beautiful wavy hair out of the way, meeting Yumi's eyes over Shimako's shoulder for the briefest of moments. They smile, and pass on their last words of encouragement. Eventually, Shimako can stall no more, and they can no longer keep her, and she goes through to security. Yumi reaches out her hand to find it meeting Yoshino's on the way to her. They hold hands and wave at Shimako, whom they catch glimpses of, and she gives them one final wave after she passes her dangerous items check, and then she is gone. Yumi looks at Yoshino, who is very teary indeed. Yumi calls her a crybaby. Yoshino drops her hand and punches Yumi on the arm. Hard. Very lady like, Yumi says, and they laugh. And then Yumi cries herself. Yoshino does not call her a crybaby. She calls her a baka, and hugs her.

Yumi slings her arm around Yoshino's shoulders. Yoshino lets her, which just goes to show how down Yoshino is feeling as they depart the airport. They both pulled sickies to come here and see their friend off on her new life, so they have a free day, essentially. Yoshino asks her if she wants to hang out at her house for a while. Yumi does, and they take the train, and then the bus to Lillian, and walk back to Yoshino's house. Nobody is home in the combined Shimazu/Hasekura household, so they have the run of the place. They get cokes from the fridge, to top up their sugar content, and then sword fight on the wii. When they get tired of that, they go and sit out in the Shimazu side of the garden, and chat for a while.

-How are things with you and Sei?

Yoshino finally asks. Yumi sighs and Yoshino nods.

-That bad?

-I don't know. I thought we were getting somewhere, but then there was a setback.

-Do you want to talk about it?

-Not really. It's still a bit raw.

-Do you know what you're going to do?

Yumi mulls over this or a while. In fact, with the exception of Shimako's immanent departure, she has thought of little else for the past week, since their conversation in the car. Sei has not been in contact with her at all. She gets the impression that Sei is waiting to see what Yumi wants to do. Yumi has indeed thought of how she wants to go forward, but it scares her. Really, really scares her, but she thinks it may be the only option. She does not want to speak of it with Yoshino, because if she does, she may lose her nerve before she gets to Sei. Yoshino gets a text while she is waiting out Yumi's silence. A few months back Yoshino caved and bought a phone. Seemingly, quite a few people in her women's college want to give her their contact details. From the way her face lights up, it must be something good. She tells Yumi that Nana is free this afternoon, and is asking if she can come over. Yoshino would never push her friend out, but she has an empty house and a willing petite soeur, and Yumi can take a hint. She snorts at Yoshino's excitement, but tells her to give it her all, which makes Yoshino laugh. Yoshino walks her to the front gate, and they arrange to meet up next weekend.

-Don't be a stranger, Yumi. You're always welcome to drop by.

-I would, except I'm nervous of recognising who you're in bed with.

-Nervous or jealous, Yumi? I could always save you a spot…

-You, Shimazu-san, have gotten very bold.

These are their parting words, always good natured joking, usually something to do with sex. Yumi is not sure why. Since starting college, Yoshino has been like a kid in a candy shop. Yumi promises not to be a stranger, and it will be easier to see Yoshino now she can track her whereabouts via the magic of modern technology, also known as a phone. Yumi walks off in the direction of the bus stop. She thinks about going to visit her parents, or maybe Yuuki, then decides not to. She thinks about going to Lillian seeing as it is just there, maybe see if Touko is as free as Nana is. But that curiously holds no appeal either. There is someone she really wants to see, but she is still working up the courage for that.

She decides in the end, on the bus to the station, to take the train to Harajuku, and see if her courage comes to her there, closer to home. She pops out at Harajuku station, and winds her way through the manic hustle bustle of Shibuya. There are a 127 million plus people in Japan, and she swears sometimes, they are all shopping in Shibuya. She flows along with the crowds, a Tokyo girl all her life and very good at this, until she gets to her usual coffee shop. She drops out of the crowds, and ducks into the shop to let the owner know she is there. He holds up two fingers. She holds up one, and points out to the terrace. He nods, and she goes out the side door to a rather lovely and surprisingly quiet outdoor seating area, just off the main drag. She likes it out here because the cigarette smoke does not bother her as much. She remembers that Sei flirted with social smoking for a while. Yumi's dad smokes, but he does it outside at her mother's insistence. Yumi has always disliked the smell, so Sei's flirtation was short lived.

The owner drops out her coffee, asking after Sei. Yumi smiles at him and shrugs her shoulders. He shakes his head sadly, and leaves her alone. Yumi takes out her phone and places it on the table. She wants to call, she really does. Her stomach does flip flops at the thought of it. But Shimako left today, and if Shimako has the courage to so something so wrenching, then so does Yumi. She is a Rosa Chinensis. She should do what needs to be done. She picks up her phone and calls Sei. Sei picks up, so she is not in class. Yumi asks her if she wants to see her, letting her know where she is. Sei is at home, and yes indeed, she does want to see Yumi, so about ten minutes after they hang up, Sei is walking out the side door, latte in hand. They sit awkwardly for a while, not looking at each other. Sei makes small talk, and Yumi joins in using it as a delaying tactic for the thing she needs to do, now that she has Sei with her. Yumi tells Sei that Shimako left today. Sei who had met up with Shimako during the week to wish her well in her endeavours, asks Yumi if she is OK. Yumi thinks about it before she answers, and then says she is happy and sad, but ultimately glad that Shimako is on her way to wherever it is she wants to be. Then they are quiet.

Yumi stirs her white mocha, wondering how they got here. That she and Sei would sit here with nothing to say to each other. Sei, of all people. Yumi lets her mind drift in this weird silence, knowing that there is something she really wants to say, feeling her heart speed up, and the adrenalin start pumping as she readies herself. There is something she wants to say, or rather, a proposal she wants to make to Sei. She opens her mouth.

-Do you want to sleep with her?

Yumi asks, and even though she knew what she was going to say, hearing the words so baldly put appals her. She says it quietly, however, her words only for Sei. She watches Sei freeze when the words sink in, her mug half way to her face.

-What?

Sei's voice is high and breathless, as if she did not quite hear Yumi correctly, and surely Yumi said something else, and not what she actually said. Sei carefully places her mug on the table. She looks at her mug and adjusts the angle of it several times as Yumi watches her, her movements slow and deliberate. When she looks back up to Yumi, their eyes lock on. Yumi finds she is not afraid anymore. Her sense of balance demands that she ask this of Sei. She wants to be punished in some way. Funny how that works, she thinks.

-I said: do you want to sleep with her?

Yumi carefully and just as quietly annunciates every word.

-Are you giving me permission to have sex with another woman?

-That's the gist of it.

Their voices are low out here. There are not too many people to overhear their conversation, but this is not the type of conversation one has loudly, in any circumstance.

-Why would you say that?

Sei is searching Yumi's face, as if she does not quite believe that it is Yumi sitting there.

-To be fair. Last time we spoke, it sounded like you fell in love with her, Sei. It sounded like your heart was breaking because you felt it couldn't happen. I have loved two people at the same time and looking back on it, it was confusing and hurtful, and we all ended up hurt from it. You were right about that, Sei. I did end up hurting us all.

Sei is in shock. Her face is slack and her eyes are wide. Yumi achieves something very rare. She has rendered Satou Sei almost speechless.

-I know it's hypocritical, but I'm jealous. I'm so jealous I can't sleep with it. I feel sick when I think of someone else touching you. Of you wanting them to. It's driving me mad, Sei. And I can't do it anymore.

Yumi wants to close her eyes, to squeeze them shut and not look at Sei's face while she carries on.

-We have both been unfaithful. The only difference is I actually had sex with Sachiko, while you did that tortured longing thing that you are so good at. Just like with Shiori. At least you know Katou-san. You know she wants you back.

She really wants to close her eyes now. Once again, Sei looks like Yumi has committed physical harm against her. Actually, if Yumi did, Sei would probably not look as bad as this. She is pale now, paler than usual, and her lower lip is quivering. This is killing Yumi. She grips the arm rests on her chair. She wants to stop the gouging cold pain that starts in her guts and is spreading up to her chest.

-For nearly three years, Sei, you wanted someone else. I'm giving you your chance.

This is brutal. Yumi thought she hated herself before, but this new brand of self-loathing sucks her down. She spirals lower than she ever felt before. _ I'm destructive_, she thinks. She looks at Sei. _I love you_, she thinks.

-Are you…are we…

_Say it_, Yumi begs Sei, wanting her senior to say the words she cannot. A coward to the last, Yumi thinks and finally looks away from Sei. She looks at the swirls of frothy milk on her coffee. _Is this what a break down feels like?_ Yumi feels like walking into traffic.

-No.

Her eyes hop up to Sei, who looks angry. Yumi has the curious privilege of watching another human being pull herself together and lock in.

-That's enough.

Yumi looks a question at her. Sei is beyond angry. Yumi has never seen her like this.

-I've had enough of this. I had a crush, Yumi. And you slept with Sachiko. But you know what, it's over. It's done with. I'm not going to do this again.

Her voice is low but it cuts through Yumi like nothing else could.

-The first time you did this, we ended up sleeping with Sachiko together. And yeah, I was right, Yumi. You did hurt us all, but you know what else? We hurt ourselves, so stop martyring yourself over it. And now you are pushing me again, and throwing away all we have accomplished it the past few months, all we have had since high school. Should you have slept with Sachiko? Christ no. Should I have stayed away from Kei? Hell yes. But it's enough.

Sei is breathing quite heavily at this point. Yumi opens her mouth to say something, defend her actions maybe, but the look Sei gives her quite effectively shuts her up.

-Instead of asking for help, you go and decide these things on your own. You, Yumi, have gotten used to me giving in to you. And I still treat you like a kid. We still think we are in high school, and that our problems can be sorted out in some school yard fashion. Well, they can't. I will not do what you are suggesting. I will never do it. And if you want to leave me, you have the guts to say that you don't love me anymore, instead of forcing me into impossible situations, giving yourself an out so you can feel better. You leave me, if you think there is nothing between us, Yumi.

Yumi is now the speechless one. Sei is leaning over the table, and Yumi is afraid and fascinated at the same time.

-Tell me you don't want me, Yumi, and we can finish this today.

Sei is furious. She looks beautiful and sexy and Yumi wants something. Something she has been craving.

-Tell me you want me.

Yumi finally says into the face of Sei's fury. Her voice is hoarse, and she is suddenly very turned on.

-Home. Now.

Sei grates out, getting up from the table and walking around the side of the building rather than through the coffee shop itself. Yumi sits for a moment, watching Sei walk away. She does not look back. She does not need to, Yumi thinks, jumping up and running after Sei who has now disappeared around the corner. She runs out onto the street, and keeps running, dodging people all the while, until she passes Sei, ginning cheekily at her as she does. Knowing she cannot out run Sei, she gives it her all regardless, sprinting for their apartment block. She bounds through the entrance and skids to a stop in front of the lift. She gets a chance to press the call button when she feels the beginnings of the wrath of Gigantea. Sei grabs her shoulders and spins her around, then roughly hauls on the lapels of her jacket and kisses Yumi, hot and hard, pushing her against the wall beside the lift doors, grinding herself into Yumi. The lift arrives with a ping, and as the doors open, Sei rolls into it, dragging Yumi with her, not breaking the kiss. They slam into the back of it, and Yumi pushes back, slamming Sei into the side of the carriage, and gropes for the bank of buttons. Looking out of the corner of her eye, she hits the one for their floor and the doors slide shut, pinging again.

Yumi reaches for Sei's shirt, a button down she is wearing today for a change, and rips it open. Sei groans at this and pushes Yumi again, but Yumi does not let her push her off. Sei releases Yumi's lapels, and reaches for her skirt. She pulls it up, and drags Yumi onto her thigh. She shoves, sending them into the other side of the lift, her thigh jamming hard against Yumi's groin. Yumi breaks the kiss and throws back her head, shouting out her pleasure. She feels flash fried inside. Sei takes advantage of this opening and attacks Yumi's neck, biting and sucking, not sparing Yumi at all. Yumi claws into Sei's hair and tears her away, forcing her mouth back onto hers, where they eat at each other, snapping and growling at each other as the lift ascends. She tightens her grip in Sei's hair, and manages to pull her head back, so she can latch onto her neck. She licks at Sei's skin, and then bites down hard, dropping one of her hands to Sei's breast, kneading her through her bra. Sei hisses, and letting go of Yumi's ass, she starts pulling Yumi's jacket off, trying to take her blouse off at the same time. Yumi pulls at Sei's shirt.

Yumi is not thinking. She is tired of thinking, and it has not done her much good in the past week. All of her anger, all of her self-hate and her jealousy are boiling over, and she want to hurt Sei. She wants Sei to hurt her. Their passion was always great. They were always hungry for each other, which is what made the time before they separated so unusual and lonely. But what they are doing now is beyond where they have gone before. This is violence. Yumi is so turned on, it is painful. Sei's hands are hard on her as they grapple with each other, harder than they have ever been and it excites Yumi.

The lift pings open on their floor and they fall out, staggering into the opposite wall. Sei's shirt is off one of her arms, and they leave Yumi's jacket behind. Sei's hands are under her skirt again, and they are trying to reach Yumi's panties. They move down the hall in this way, pushing each other into walls, biting and scratching, each fighting for dominance, each trying to overwhelm the other. They are not bothering at all to be quiet, it could not be further from their minds, as they grunt and groan with their efforts, crying out at particularly sharp bites, or hands finding their way to groan inducing places. They get to their door, and Sei throws Yumi against it, pulling her legs up around her waist and repeatedly bucking into her. Yumi cries out and reaches between them, searching for Sei's belt. She has not forgotten how to do this. She pulls at the buckle and then starts on her fly. The urgency spiking through her is making the world hazy and her hands shake. She gives up on the pants for now, because Sei's tongue is assaulting her mouth, and she simply must attend to it.

Sei fumbles in her pocket for the keys. She finds them and somehow gets the door open, despite holding Yumi up against it with her hips. Luckily, their door opens in. The door flies open, and bangs against the wall, them along with it. Sei stumbles over the shoe changing step and falls to her knees, sending Yumi onto the floor hard, and then Sei is kicking the door shut and crawling to Yumi. Yumi grabs her by the shoulders and drags her up, digging her short nails into Sei's soft skin. Sei rips at Yumi's blouse, rending it. Yumi inexplicably laughs, and roughly pushes up Sei's bra. Using all of her strength, she flips Sei onto her back and captures a nipple between her lips, tonguing it and gently biting it, her hand cupping Sei's groin through her jeans. She is not so gentle there. There is a colossal aching want in her. She is way past caring what is proper and nice, because she wants to fuck Sei. She badly, badly wants to fuck Sei. Sei's hands curl into her hair and she yanks Yumi's head back, forcing Yumi off her. She pushes her onto her back, and opens Yumi's legs with her own, then kneels back, getting rid of her shirt finally. Yumi tries to sit up, but Sei pushes her back down, grinning at her. Yumi tries again, batting Sei's hands away from her. She grabs for Sei's almost open fly and pulls her between her legs. Sei slams herself into Yumi, and Yumi lets rip a cry of sheer ecstasy. Sei is pressing her weight into Yumi's shoulders to hold her down, and she does it again. Yumi feels like crying at the sensation of it.

Yumi wrenches at Sei's pants before she can wind up again, thinking that if she does, she will let her just carry on, and that will not do. She wrestles with them until she gets them just past Sei's hips, and decides that it is low enough for now. She puts both hands against Sei's belly and shoves, winding Sei and throwing her off of her. She rolls with Sei, absolute in her drive to enter Sei. They are both driven, both making each other work for the privilege. She straddles Sei, pulling her torn blouse up and over her head. She slaps at Sei's hands as they reach for her breasts. Her skirt it rucked up around her hips, and she makes an attempt at taking it off. Sei reaches under it, and rips Yumi's underwear in her haste to have at Yumi. Yumi begins a rocking motion on Sei, and as Sei tears her panties, she gives up the skirt, figuring it does not matter anyway. She presses herself hard against Sei, prohibiting Sei from actually touching her. Sei keeps trying, and Yumi makes it very hard for her, holding her hands back and constantly moving, rubbing her wetness against Sei's flat hard belly. They are both moaning at this. The fire is building higher in Yumi and she feels alive for the first time in months. She is feeling territorial and possessive. She feels like an animal and she rejoices in this wildness. She leans forward on Sei, pressing her full weigh into her shoulders, leaning in for another searing aggressive kiss.

Sei shoves her back, trying to use Yumi's own method on her. Yumi holds on, clamping her thighs against Sei's, daring Sei with every particle of her to make her move. Sei is trying to sit up, but Yumi is just about holding her back with one hand, while the other is trying to push Sei's jeans further off of her. Sei laughs at her efforts, because Sei's fondness for tight jeans has always been a struggle for Yumi even at the best of times. However, Yumi discovers that when Sei is on her back, they are looser, and she smiles her triumph as they do slide, and take Sei's underwear with them. She slides after them, and their centres meet, and they freeze, looking at each other in wonder that is, for a brief moment, friendly. Yumi had thought that she would never feel this again; that she would never be in this position again, looking down at Sei, at the ever passionate Satou Sei looking back up at her, her hands on Yumi's hips, holding her tight against her. Yumi places her hands on top of Sei's; the roughness of Sei's pubic hair against her is delicious. She moves slightly, and her eyes sting. Then the moment passes, and Sei catches her off guard.

With a huge effort, Sei manages to buck her off and Yumi falls onto her side. Sei, it seems, has taken Yumi's dare. Sei follows her and falls on her, and she has no chance. She grabs Yumi's wrists and pins them over her head, using her longer limbs to her advantage. Yumi wraps her legs around Sei's waist and squeezes with all her might. Sei gasps and grinds into Yumi, riding her until it hurts. Yumi cries out, choking cries of black bliss, crying Sei's name over and over. She moves her legs higher, and squeezes again, and this time Sei has to give. She lets go of Yumi's wrists and tries to break Yumi's hold. Yumi relaxes and Sei takes big gasps of air. But Yumi is not going to give her time to recover. She sits up just enough to grab Sei by the back of the neck, and drags her down for a savage kiss, her other hand going for Sei's groin. Sei grabs Yumi by the back of the neck and she can feel Sei's hand between her legs, fighting with her skirt, succeeding. She dodges Sei's hand. Sei dodges hers and presses herself into Yumi again allowing no space between them, forcing both their hands away. Yumi arches up against Sei, holding onto Sei's backside, arching and rubbing at her, before pushing at Sei again, and pushing and pushing until she finally gets Sei off her. Yumi scoots back, aiming for the table to help her get up.

Sei is on her knees, grinning madly at Yumi. Yumi matches her grin and staggers to her feet. Sei finally takes off her bra and tosses it to one side. She kneels and catches her breath. Yumi unhooks and unzips her skirt, and throws it at Sei. Sei catches it, and throws it behind her. Yumi takes off her own bra, discovering that one of the straps has come apart at some stage. She drops it on the floor. She is still panting and adrenalin fuelled. Her heart is beating a crazy rhythm as she reaches for the remnants of her underwear, and gets rid of them. She watches Sei watching her. She watches Sei watching every move she makes. Having completely gotten Sei's attention, she runs her hand down her abdomen, and touches herself. Sei looks like she is going to make a move now, and Yumi dares her again, asking her if she can finish this. Quicker that Yumi has ever seen Sei move, she jack-knifes forward and tackles Yumi's legs. Yumi falls against the hall table knocking it over in the process. The bowl that they keep their keys and spare change in crashes to the floor, scattering its contents. And Sei has her, and this time, Yumi can feel it. Sei will not let her go.

But still she fights her. Another searing kiss and Yumi tastes blood. Sei pulls back, hissing, and she can see Sei's bottom lip is bleeding. She grabs at Sei again, and she is kissing her again, just as ferociously as before. When she feels Sei's hand between her legs, she does not dodge her. Sei enters her fast and hard. Yumi breaks the kiss to scream the last of her anguish into their hallway, into their apartment, into Harajuku, into Tokyo, into Japan, into the world, tossing it out to the universe, which has room for this and so much more. Sei finds a fast and pounding rhythm and gives Yumi exactly what she is asking for. Yumi squeezes Sei's shoulders tight and bites at her neck, which makes Sei plunge into her harder. Yumi is not so lost in the moment that she wants to be outdone. She drops one of her hands and reaches for Sei. Sei does not dodge her either. She is so wet, that Yumi is in her shockingly fast. Another place she sincerely doubted she would ever be welcome back to. But she is and Sei shouts her name at the feel of Yumi inside her.

Yumi is nearing the edge of her endurance. She can feel her orgasm like a distant roll of thunder. She drives harder up into Sei, makes Sei cry out for her. They are looking at each other as they climb the hill. Sei is sweating, and Yumi licks it off her chin, and they meet in a kiss, moaning into each other, after so long and so much. She feels Sei's rhythm in her falter so she slams into Sei and bites her bottom lip to remind her what she is doing. Surprisingly, Sei laughs and the pace and force ups a notch. She stares into her, wanting to see Yumi come, wanting to show Yumi, wanting to share this. Yumi has not forgotten what Sei looks like when she is in this state, and she always loves to see it. That lost look in her eyes, the wildness in them and Yumi feels Sei tighten around her fingers. Almost. Yumi begs Sei to make it happen, to take her home. Sei cries out her promise in response. Yumi feels the thunder roll closer, and then it is on her, then it breaks out, and she comes bucking and crying against Sei, who comes seconds later, jerking and sliding against Yumi as they ride out their orgasm on the floor of their hallway, cursing and sweating. Finding a second wind and still wanting more Yumi rolls Sei, and they do it again, pounding into each other, crashing into each other. They lick and fumble and bite. The scratch and kiss and curse some more. There are tears over long slow kisses, and there is mad laughter as they find each other wet and ready again.

Finally, they stop moving against each other, and Yumi gently removes her fingers from Sei for the last time. Sei is equally gentle, but Yumi still winces. She has run out of adrenalin, and she is beginning to hurt. Sei rolls off of her, and sits up, using the wall for support, making ouchie noises as she moves. Yumi smiles at this. She pushes herself into a sitting position, and bites back a groan. She shakes her head, and leans back against the wall opposite Sei, unable to hold back her own little ouchie noises. She slides herself forward a bit to take the pressure off her groin. She meets Sei's eyes and they start laughing. Yumi's leg rubs against Sei's as they stretch them out.

-You look like you went ten rounds with someone.

Sei says, laughing. There is real concern in her eyes however as she runs an inventory of Yumi. Yumi yawns, suddenly sleepy.

-I did. You. And you look like you crashed your car.

-That bad, huh?

Sei runs her tongue along her bottom lip and hisses.

-I don't think we can go out tomorrow.

Yumi says as she runs her own inventory of Sei. They catch eyes and start laughing again. Yumi feels lethargic. She wants to go to bed. Go to bed with Sei, and fall asleep with her arms around her like she used to. Sei is watching her with a gentle smile.

-Will you come home now, Yumi?

Sei asks again, all fight gone from her. She looks much the way Yumi feels. Yumi watches Sei back, feeling the same gentle smile on her own face.

-Do you really want me to come home?

Yumi has to check. She still has so much to work through. But she has been so lonely without Sei. An aching gaping loneliness she has never known in her nineteen years of being Yumi. She thinks of a longer period of being without Sei, the abject misery of even the thought…but she is not sure, yet, of her place with Sei.

-I've been waiting for you all this time. Please come back to me. I'm tired, Yumi, and I don't want to fight. I just want to be with you. I've just wanted to be with you since I met you. If you can forgive Kei, then I can forgive Sachiko.

Sei is serious. There is a plaintive timbre to her voice that pulls at Yumi. She searches her heart at Sei's words, and finds she can forgive Sei. She will never forget this, because this was a very important time for them. She wonders if she will ever forgive herself. But she is tired too. Tired of hating herself, tired of fighting, tired of doing this on her own. She wants Sei, the person who always stood in her corner. She wants her, and she wants to ask her to help her with this. She wants to help Sei. They will listen better to each other, and they will ask the hard questions. The last few months have proved that they can do this. That they were stronger than they thought. Yumi thinks about all of this. She thinks of Shimako leaving for England. She thinks of Yoshino going through with an operation that may or may not work. She thinks of Sachiko marrying Suguru. She thinks of Eriko proposing to professor Yamanobe. She thinks of Sei surviving Shiori. Just to name a few. She is surrounded by very brave women. She really would be letting the side down if she ran away again. Especially considering she wants to run _to_ Sei. Be brave Yumi, and keep moving forward. Sei will hold her hand when she is not so brave. Perhaps it is time to start thinking of herself as Sei's equal. Sei made a very good point: they are not in high school anymore. Yumi is not a junior any more than Sei is a senior. At least, they should not be in their relationship. Yumi has to take responsibility for this path they are on, not just leave it up to Sei. And if Sei is not sure about relinquishing such control, Yumi will have to reassure her, and hold her hand. Because they are each other's business.

-I want to come home.

Sei huffs at this, and her tired smile still manages to be brilliant. After a length of time, Yumi casts her eye to the pottery shards on the floor. With a horrific reliance on the wall, she gains her feet. She totters over to where Sei's boots finally ended up and slips them on, lacing them loosely. Sei makes moves to get up and help, but Yumi hushes her, pressing lightly on her shoulder to encourage her to stay still. Her shaky legs bring her to the kitchen where their sweeping brush is kept, and Yumi spends the next short while making sure she gets everything up, making the floor safe for Sei. When Yumi deems it such, Yumi takes off Sei's boots and they go hand and hand to the shower. As the water hits them, they are hissing and ouching, giggling on occasions.

This is when Sei cries. It is not as shocking as when she cried at the university, but it is deeper. Deeper, heart wrenching cries as she slumps onto Yumi. Yumi eases them down until they are sitting on the floor of the stall, wrapping as much of herself as she can around Sei, holding her, rocking her, soothing her. The hot water falls on them, masking her own tears, the jerking of her own sobs lost under Sei's. She holds Sei until they both quieten.

-I'm home.

Yumi whispers in her ear.

-Welcome home.

Epilogue

They slept for the rest of that day, and they both decided that they need not attend college the next. Yumi wakes up snuggled into Sei's back, and thinks that this is probably the best day of her life. The sun is up when she wakes. This is the second time she has woken up. She woke up during the night, starving, and her movements in the kitchen woke Sei, who joined her. They made miso soup and then went back to bed, doing their best to find a comfortable position. They had talked and kissed, until slumber robbed them of their faculties. Yumi gets up first, slowly and quietly, not wanting to wake Sei yet. She gets dressed in clothes still left in the apartment, and goes to look for her bag. She wants to check her messages. She wants to see if Shimako got to England in one piece. She goes looking for her bag, and cannot find it. Where could she have left it? She roots around in the bedroom, thinking she might have put it in there at some stage, or perhaps Sei did. Her search wakes Sei, who looks at her with a gorgeous sleepy smile, which distracts Yumi.

After kissing Sei into a more awake state, being careful of her lip, she explains her problem. Sei has not seen her bag recently. She saw it yesterday at the coffee shop. Oh crap, Yumi says, and Sei starts laughing, asking Yumi what her big hurry was yesterday. Yumi points out that this means she did not pay for her coffee either, she just ran down the laneway after Sei. Sei laughs again, and sits up, pulling Yumi onto her lap. No worries, they can go and sort it out. Later, Sei says, kissing Yumi, unbuttoning her shirt. Later, agrees Yumi, as she slides off Sei's lap and onto the bed.

Later indeed, they are both dressed, Yumi for the second time, when they leave the apartment. On their way to the lift, they find Yumi's jacket, neatly folded and put to one side.

-Grab that Yumi-chan, you might need it.

Sei winks at her as they wait for the lift. Yumi wants to swat her, but fears she may hit a bruise. And she is secretly delighted at the reappearance of the chan at the end of her name. The lift comes, and they get in, and are pinged to a descent. There are buttons on the floor.

-How about those? Do you think you might need them?

Yumi points at the floor.

-Nah. I never liked that shirt anyway. Were you partial to your underwear?

-Not overly so.

-That works out well then.

They laugh and blush, and hope to Christ they do not meet any of their neighbours. After a few minutes' walk, they are at the place they prefer to their own living room. It is still quite early, and the owner is just setting out tables. He sees them coming, and briefly takes in their joined hand, and does a bit of a double take at Sei's lip. They smile when they see him. He stops what he is doing.

-Everything OK?

He asks. Yumi bows to him, and says yes, everything is just dandy this morning, _thank you for asking_. He points at a table, and goes back into his shop. Sei asks her when she became so friendly with him. She answers that she has always been friendly with him. They have been coming here for years. Sei looks away. Yumi asks her what is wrong. Sei looks back, and says she does not know the man's name. Yumi stares at her. Then stops. She does not either. She just calls him the owner. Sei says she calls him Coffee Man. Coffee Man comes back with what they would have ordered, because they have been coming here for years, and never order anything different, just varying amounts of it. He has Yumi's bag over his shoulder.

-Your phone is in there. This is on the house. Yesterday's also.

Yumi begins to stand up and thank Coffee Man properly and to insist that she pay, but he waves her away, averting his gaze in an embarrassed manner. He straightens up.

-Everything is OK?

He asks again, looking from one face to the other. Sei answers him this time.

-Best day ever.

-Well, that's good. That's very good.

Coffee Man bows, and goes back to what he was doing, leaving Yumi and Sei to bemusedly smile at each other. It is a mellow September morn, and as she watches Coffee Man live up to his name, watches Shibuya come alive, Yumi smiles into it all. Sei called it.

Best day ever.

Done.


	9. Horizon

7. One's Times

8. Horizon

Eriko sighs to herself as she disembarks the bus outside of Lillian. She does not have long left in this place, and she is grateful. She has been here since kindergarten and she is oh, so very tired of looking at Lillian. She wonders why Sei is choosing to spend another four years hanging around here. But then, Sei is the nostalgic sort and of course, there is Yumi to consider. As she begins her moderately paced advancement up the main avenue, she smiles when she thinks of Sei and Yumi together. Rare is it that something surprises her, but that certainly did. Though, perhaps it should not be so surprising. Sei in her third year is different. What ever happened to Sei has changed her. She only knows a few scant details about it, that it was over a girl, one of Sachiko's classmates. Sei seems new. She smiles more, laughs more. Eriko mostly blames Yumi for changing Sei's anti-social persona, as Eriko quite liked Sei just the way she was. But nothing remains the same. Not even moody, volatile Sei.

Eriko does not stop at the statue of Maria-sama. She never did pretend to pray, or even salute its blank presence. Despite appearances, Eriko is very of this world with her beliefs and would not waste her time paying respects to an idol of a dying religion. Catholicism never really caught on in Japan, though they like to celebrate Christmas, oddly enough. More for the excuse to exchange gifts, which is something the Japanese like doing. As good a reason as any to gather with friends and family and eat, something else the Japanese like doing. She passes by it, thinking about Sei. Sei is a close friend, of a peculiar sort. She smiles at the polite greetings she receives from other students. She checks her watch as she passes by a slightly awe-stricken clump of first years, who are still not used to the Yamayurikai in their midst. Eriko suppresses her amusement and pretends she does not see them. She will more than likely be the last into the Rose Mansion, which is fine by Eriko. She is not particularly fond of the place, and will only go there when she knows others will be. Honestly, it is only her well-bred sense of duty that makes her go to any of the meetings, as they stopped being interesting a long time ago. She made her commitments, and she will stand by them.

She stops at this. That is not quite true, is it? She is making her approach to the Rose Mansion now, thinking that there is more than honouring her commitments that keeps her coming back. Rei, for instance. She glances at her wristwatch again. Plenty of time. She wanders around to the back of the Mansion, and leans against the back wall. Now that she is nearing the end of her high school life, she is doing a worrying amount of reminiscing. Generally speaking, it is not in Eriko's nature to ponderously pick apart what has gone before. She moves forward, her eyes front, enjoying her passage through time. Lately, she has been thinking over her time here. Picking at memories. She supposes it is not so unexpected. Her life in a few months is going to change dramatically. Goodbye Lillian. Goodbye classrooms. Goodbye Maria-sama. Goodbye Rose Mansion. Goodbye Rei. She sighs at this thought, and allows herself to feel fine about letting it out. Goodbye Rei.

Eriko remembers when she entered the high school division. Within a week she was petite soeur to the then Rosa Foetida en bouton. It was that quick. At the time, Eriko had thought, why not? It might prove interesting. And it was, for the most part. She remembers meeting Rosa Gigantea en bouton, who was head over heels for her classmate, Satou Sei, who was having none of it. Eriko laughs out loud at the memory, behind the Rose Mansion, only the perennial wildflowers and weeds to see her. It took months to win over Sei, who was cold then, and ignored most people. She was rude actually, and very suspicious of anyone trying to make inroads to her. Not that she would ever tell her this, but Eriko rather admired Sei for her honesty. She never pretended that she wanted to be friends with anyone, and if it was not for Youko's and Rosa Gigantea en bouton's fascination with her, she might have remained friendless. In a way, Eriko misses that Sei, who never really liked Eriko, and yet did. Their friendship was a hard one to explain, but they worked somehow. They also had an unspoken agreement as the years went on, that if Youko wanted to interfere in their form of communication, she would have to pay for it. She remembers how Rosa Gigantea en bouton kept up a gentle assault on Sei's defences, how she talked about her when Sei had not been persuaded to hang out at the Rose Mansion.

Sei's Onee-sama, as she became as of course, she eventually won the war, was never one to hide how she felt. About anything. Which did not mean that she was easy to guess at or should be underestimated. She was a funny, warm and very charming person whom Eriko had liked a lot, and through a process of elimination she eventually found the magic words that gave her Sei. The former Rosa Gigantea had an overt fondness for beautiful things, and she found Sei to be a delicate, sensitive and complicated beautiful thing, much as Eriko does. A beautiful girl, with a razor sharp mind and one of the keenest wits Eriko has thus far come up against. However, she does remember that she did not understand why her senior was so dead set on acquiring Sei, especially when Sei only expressed annoyance and embarrassment over the situation. Eriko had asked Rosa Chinensis en bouton at the time, because she happened to be with her when the question occurred to her, why her fellow en bouton had to have Sei. Youko's Onee-sama had smiled at that, and said that one day, next year perhaps, she would understand why. This was a wholly unsatisfactory answer for Eriko, who pressed her senior for more. The older girl had sighed and pushed a plate of cookies toward Eriko. Because love comes in many forms was her only elaboration. This was as agonisingly cryptic as the first answer, but Eriko had looked at her senior's face, which wore a 'play-with-me' smirk, and decided to leave it alone and eat a cookie.

In her second year, that answer had come floating back through the misty ether of her mind when Hasekura Rei came to the high school division. At the welcoming ceremony the en boutons had been handing out medals to the first years, or rather, fastening them around their necks. Eriko had mixed feelings about this ceremony. It made her think of corralling horses, and branding them. But she did as she was told, her own feelings just that: her own, and smiled and made nice. Even Sei had sucked it up to perform well for the day. Youko, who did not ever fail to be the perfect Yamayurikai representative, was smiling and welcoming, and Eriko had fallen in with the programme, going through the motions, her mind elsewhere. Then she noticed the girl she would soon learn was Hasekura Rei, who stood tall amongst the other first years, her back straight, her shoulders broad, her hair cut boy but with a fall of floppy fringe over her forehead. This gave her a gentle look that immediately caught Eriko. Eriko stopped pretending she was even bothering to look at the other girls as Rei slowly came closer to her in her line. Then Rei was in front of her, bending to allow Eriko to fasten the chain of the medal around her neck. And it came in a sudden flash that Eriko should be putting her rosary on this girl. It shocked her, the bolt from the blue quality of the feeling, the strength of it. Then Rei, who had shyly nodded her thanks, was gone and Eriko was bereft. _So that is what she meant_ Eriko thought, as she watched the retreating form of Rei.

By the same time the next day, Eriko had gathered enough information about Rei to allow her to distantly get to know her. So the next logical step was to go the dojo and examine her closer. She had discovered by that stage that this Hasekura Rei was one of _the_ Hasekuras, a name famous in Japan and internationally in Kendo. And she was magnificent. Even now, as Eriko loiters around the back of the Rose Mansion, still finding it too early to go in, she remembers the thrill that went through her when she watched Rei practice. She was, and still is, graceful and steady, truly beautiful in her element. Watching her then is when her longing for Rei's presence began. But Eriko, being Eriko, and believing that time was in her favour, made no move for a few weeks, only occasionally stopping by the dojo. The newspaper club went into overdrive at her appearances there, speculating wildly about which first year had caught Rosa Foetida en bouton's eye. She declined to answer any questions on the matter.

Only her Onee-sama asked and Eriko simply answered with a name and nothing more. Rosa Chinensis smiled over her teacup and lazily blinked at her. _Yes_, Eriko's answering smile said_, I know what you mean now_. Sei often needled at her that Eriko had only chosen Rei because she looks like a boy. Eriko never reacted to it, because for one, she hated giving Sei any kind of reaction, and two, it was partly true. But there were other boyish girls in the first years to choose from if she liked that sort of thing. Rei stood out, quite literally. She was tall, taller than Sei, which was unusual in itself. She was extremely handsome, which was another thing. Yet, none of those things could explain why it was Rei that she wanted, why Rei engaged her so much. She had loved the sound of Rei's voice, the few times she had heard her speak over those reconnaissance weeks. It was rich and low for a sixteen year old, steady and sure like the rest of her.

What finally tipped Eriko into action was discovering that hot pursuit was on for Hasekura Rei. In all of her watching she had only looked at Rei, not at anyone else who might be admiring the tall and handsome first year. On her way to the dojo one afternoon, she chanced upon a scene that upped the ante. One of her classmates was talking with Rei, apparently had called her out of practice to do so. How rude, was Eriko's first thought. Then she saw the look in Rei's eyes. It was a frustrated, leave-me-alone look that Eriko had not seen before in the gentle and patient Rei. It told her many things about the girl. It told her that Rei had only affected indifference to the attention paid to her, and it told her that Rei was under a lot of pressure from it. So Eriko made her decision. Rei was far too accommodating for her own good, and therefore needed someone to knock that out of her. Surely Eriko felt no need to protect Rei. No, no, it was not that at all. Clearly, Rei just needed to be taken under her wing, made a part of the Yamayurikai, and people would automatically keep their distance, because Eriko saw it then, she saw how much Rei just wanted to be left alone. So it was her duty, as a caring senior, to do just that.

Eriko can laugh at it now. She was jealous. Jealous that somebody else had noticed Rei and it had flown beneath her radar, somebody was taking steps to remove Rei from her. She could not allow that, not when she wanted her. Her pride would not allow that. Eriko had glided over to the two girls, as if nothing in the world was bothering her, just another day for Torii Eriko. She was rude herself, by interrupting their conversation, but it was in the most polite way possible, and asked Rei if she still wanted to meet after practice today? Rei had not looked too surprised at Eriko's intervention, and confirmed their imaginary previous engagement. The girl who had been making a play for Rei understood the situation immediately, and making her excuses with good grace, she left them to it. One does not try to compete with Yamayurikai. Eriko and Rei had eyed each other, and Eriko asked Rei if she really would like to go for tea? Rei said that yes that would be fine. That was the first time they had spoken directly to each other. Eriko had smiled up at Rei and Rei had smiled back and it all clicked into place. Eriko knew, without a shred of doubt in her mind, that should she ask Rei to be her petite soeur, Rei would say yes. That was when Eriko realised that Rei had been watching her back for all those weeks, and had been waiting for her. Love does indeed come in many forms.

And Rei has continued to surprise her. She learned how soft Rei can be, how loyal. She learned about Rei's addiction to romance novels, and that Rei could makes sweets and cakes so good that if Eriko was a man, she would marry Rei in a heartbeat. Even troubled Sei would crawl out of her angst for Rei's cookies and look almost happy for a few minutes until she remembered that she was supposed to be miserable. And speaking of happiness, being with Rei made Eriko very happy, a very real, impactful emotion. Rei became a steadying warmth at her back, something she was glad about and excited by. She had never formed particularly close attachments to others, not even her own Onee-sama, whom she liked a great deal, but if she did not see her from one end of the week to another, she would not be put out. She, unlike Sei and Youko, felt no need to be spoiled by the older girls. She appreciated their concern, enjoyed their company, and they were always near for advice, as that was part of their jobs as Onee-samas, but she did not think of them as anything beyond that. She respected her Onee-sama and liked her more at the end of their time together than she did at the start, and occasionally missed her after she left, but that was as far as it went. When Rei came into her life, a lot of aspects of her relations with others changed. While it did not soften her, she did find herself wanting to do the things that Youko's Onee-sama in particular liked to do. But she did not. She preferred to show her regard for Rei in other ways.

Rei, of course, passed muster with the Yamayurikai, and Eriko was free to officially make her offer to Rei, who accepted. When she handed her rosary to Rei, she advised her to wear it outside of her uniform for a few days, let the newspaper club get a good look at it, and that should make the others back off. Spending time with Rei gave Eriko the opportunity to see that Rei, just by being Rei, had garnered fangirls from every year, and that the state of affairs all conspired to make Rei extremely uncomfortable. But nice, patient Rei did not have it in her to refuse their time when they waylaid her on some pretext or another, and she was too embarrassed by older girls who were far more aggressive than necessary when they made advances. The visible rosary worked like a charm.

Then the newspaper club had thoughtlessly dubbed Rei 'Mr Lillian', not caring at all that they might have hurt Rei's feelings. Eriko, who knew Rei quite well by that stage, had perhaps expected more emotion from her over this. Rei had merely looked resigned. Part of Eriko congratulated Rei for her lack of emotion on the subject, as Eriko herself is not comfortable with strong emotion from others, and thus confirmed to her that her choice of Rei as a petite soeur was a correct one, but a bigger part of her had almost wished that Rei had been angry about it, but Rei remained reasonable, and this bothered Eriko more. And even though she never said it to Rei, she had been hurt on her behalf. She remembers reading the newsletter over Rei's shoulder, before placing her hand on her. Rei had covered her hand with her own and turned her handsome face to Eriko, wearing a rueful smile, as if to say: _Never mind, Onee-sama, I was expecting this at some point_.

Eriko had smiled back, and then left the Rose Mansion, looking again as if there was nothing on her mind other than her usual Eriko thoughts, that she was certainly not going to make somebody very sorry for hurting Rei's feelings. She went to the newspaper club and threatened to shut them down if they ever referred to Rei by anything other than her name or her title, and looking Tsukiyama Minako, who was unfortunately the only one there at the time, right in the eye she asked the unfortunate Minako if she believed her? Minako had answered yes, she most certainly believed her. Eriko had caught some flack over this from Minako's Onee-sama, but Eriko had brushed her away. It was only to save face anyway on Minako's Onee-sama's part, as she would not, actually, could not, challenge Eriko on this, as it was hurtful, and yes, she was Yamayurikai. Even the senior girls had to respect this. Her own Onee-sama never mentioned it, though surely she knew what Eriko had done. The newspaper club never did call Rei Mr. Lillian again, but it stuck all the same. It was so fitting after all.

That had been lunch time, and she had to wait until after school to find Rei. She found her sitting outside of the dojo, which was Rei's second home. Even when not required, Rei could be traced to this place. Eriko sat beside her, and allowed Rei to put her arm around her and hug her. Eriko let herself be held by the handsome Rei, delighted by the contact in a small, precious way. Eriko had no time for the quazi-romantic girl love that was so proliferate in this school. It had kicked up a notch in high school, and after fending it off in middle school, she was waiting patiently for her father and brothers to back off so she could start dating. Eriko liked men, always had, however, feeling Rei so close to her, the soft skin of her cheek on hers, the protective feel of Rei's arm resting on her shoulders, she understood it a bit better, this attraction girls can have for each other. Rei was very attractive, and was not Eriko at least a little attracted to her, in a more than platonic sense? With an odd sinking sensation in her stomach, yes, she could admit she was attracted to Rei. She could very easily turn her head and kiss Rei. Kiss her on the mouth. The thought was quite alien to Eriko, but she had not been disgusted by it. At seventeen, Eriko already had a firm grasp of her sexuality, enough that she was not unduly disturbed by her attraction to her petite soeur.

For Rei was nice to look at. She was pleasant company with a sly sense of humour, an egalitarian approach to her friends and a deeply caring nature. What did confuse Eriko for a while was that it was Rei's more feminine side that held the most appeal for her. That once she got to know Rei, there was no way she could think of Rei as masculine. No way she could pretend and have a pseudo/practice relationship with her. Not that she would anyway; Eriko respected Rei far too much to start that nonsense with her. But for a while there, as she comforted Rei by letting Rei comfort her, she did think about it. Seriously. They must have stayed that way for most of an hour. A long, long time to focus on only one thing. That one thing was the soft feel of another girl's body so close to hers, not just any girl, but this one. This one that was just for her. She leaned further into the cosiness of Rei's naturally warm body and wondered what it would be like. She wondered what it would be like to kiss Rei, to touch her, to have Rei reciprocate. She did not know what way Rei swung in regards to her desires, but if her reading material was anything to go by, she liked boys, but Eriko did not let this influence her little fantasy. She dreamed a small dream of being with Rei.

Then the moment, the long, long moment had passed, and these thoughts had slipped from her. Only now, nearly a year later, do they come to her again. And other thoughts come to her as she studies the wildflowers and weeds no one sees at the back of the Rose Mansion, and if they do, they leave them there to grow as they will. She remembers Yoshino joining them finally in the high school division, coming into her life with Rei, the cousin that Rei spoke so often of, thought so much of. Shimazu Yoshino who had appeared like a delicate, perfect little lady that hid a lion. Eriko, even now, has conflicting emotions about Yoshino. Just as much as Yoshino has about her, she knows. Yoshino is not terribly good at hiding what she is thinking. While she was sick and her chances of seeing twenty were not in her favour, Eriko had held off. Out of respect for Rei's love of Yoshino, she held her tongue, never venting the way she wanted to. But Eriko had been jealous and distracted by their close relationship, and that now Rei's time was eaten up by Yoshino, and their lunch times together were severely curtailed. The fact that Rei would do anything for Yoshino. Anything.

Eriko had finally learned why Rei was Rei when she met Yoshino. And they had regarded each other warily, both scenting out territory when it came to Rei, although in her heart, Eriko knew that her time with Rei was at an end. She could not compete against the ties of kinship. Eriko had let it go, and withdrew only enough so that Rei would not find it strange. She did not want to put pressure on Rei, make her feel like she had to choose. Part of her, like her small surprising delight at Rei's touch, had wanted to. She was mature enough to admit that, and cope with the consequences of that rotten feeling. Even now, she still feels it. She had wanted Rei to choose. She wanted Rei to make a real decision, and at least find time in her schedule for Eriko. But Yoshino had been a handful, even if it was not intentional. The two cousins had established routines since time out of mind, and Yoshino never knew that she was hurting Eriko. She might have got the feeling that she was pissing her off, but never actually hurting her. Eriko was very careful to never betray that particular emotion before anyone, let alone Yoshino. But when Yoshino gave Rei back her rosary, a new one that Rei had bought especially for her, one that Eriko had helped pick out, definitely flattered that Rei had not wanted to pass on the rosary that Eriko had given her, Eriko had hated Yoshino for hurting Rei, and loved her for being strong enough to do it.

Eriko had always felt that Rei needed to grow a backbone. God knows, she loved Rei, but there was a weakness in her, a lost quality. She did what she was told because honestly she did not know what else to do. But then, Rei always did everything so well that it was hard to tell. She proceeds confidently in a controlled manner that only someone who knows her, like Eriko who loves all things Rei, would know the difference between an original action and an expected one. Almost all of Rei's actions are expected ones, and once she knows what she is supposed to do, she gets on with it. She is more than happy to let others make the decisions, so when Yoshino pushed her away, it left Rei cast adrift. Eriko, who has never had this conversation with Yoshino, and never will, wonders if Yoshino had felt the same. That when she did that, when she went ahead with the risky operation, was it part of a master plan to force Rei to be her own person? Eriko has no way of knowing this, and will not ask Yoshino. She only knows what her fellow roses told her, and what she had overheard from the petite soeurs, and particularly what Yumi told her.

That was a few months ago, and as time has worn on, as Yoshino got much better, moving and talking like a normal sixteen year old girl, she has noticed a new development. Their little Yoshino-chan is definitely having more than familial feelings toward Rei. And Rei, who does not think romance exists outside of a novel, is charmingly oblivious. Eriko is glad. On this point she has no empathy for Yoshino. She sincerely hopes that Yoshino keeps her feelings to herself. She did so well, forcing Rei to grow up, that this would be a major setback. So Eriko has been picking on and teasing Yoshino since she got better. She cannot help herself. She knows it is cowardly, but she cannot bring herself to directly say it to the girl. It is too hard. There is no easy way to say: _I know you are crushing on your fine and strong cousin, but just leave it at that. Don't take it any further, because you need to kill that dependence you have on each other. Don't waste what you did. It would be grossly unfair on Rei_. She could not possibly know what Yoshino's reaction would be to that, and it may even make the girl more determined. Or it may not. But all in all, it would probably make things worse between them, and because Eriko is leaving soon, it would be unpleasant to put more pressure on their already strained relationship. This will be one of those situations where Eriko really does have her hands tied, so she must walk away from it, and hope for the best, whatever that may be.

Eriko smiles up at the trees behind the Rose Mansion, thinking that this has been a very eventful school year, and not least of all because of Sei and Yumi, who are too wrapped up in each other to realise that the others have guessed something is going on. Yet, Eriko had not realised. She pays little attention to the relationships of others and had missed it. She thought it was just Sei messing around with Yumi, using her to annoy Sachiko. Then Eriko was presented with a scene that unfortunately will stay with her for a long time.

Eriko thinks it is funny in a way. She has no particular strong feelings for Yumi. She likes her in a general way, but cannot for the life of her see what Satou Sei sees in her, but then, Eriko does not know Yumi very well. However, she did enjoy seeing the Ogasawara princess get taken down a notch. Not just once, but several times, and even Eriko had to hand it to Yumi. Funny, shy, awkward Yumi, who is very cute, heading toward pretty, and is coming on nicely, now that Eriko thinks of it. She has good teachers. Though, what Sei is teaching her is debateable in the least. Aggressively shy Sei, who took one look at Yumi and decided she wanted a pet, the presence of the ethereal and beautiful Toudou Shimako notwithstanding. And then, somewhere along the way, it seems that they developed real feelings for each other. Eriko is a little envious of their bravery, to have those feelings and then act on them, to hell with the consequences. Eriko admires it just slightly more than she envies it.

She glances at her watch, Rei should be here by now, and Eriko can look at her a while longer. She slowly begins to make her move to the front of the Rose Mansion, the place she is not so fond of. Thinking of Sei, she remembers coming here one evening and finding her being indiscreet with Yumi. Eriko had stupidly forgotten a textbook in the Rose Mansion. She had only taken it out of her bag to make room for something else, and then left it on the table. She was nearly to the front gates when she remembered that she had left it behind. It was one she really needed, or else she would have left it there until the next day, so she sped up her usual moderate pace, because it was getting late, and she wanted to get home. If she was even twenty minutes late, her brothers would be calling, checking to see if she was alright. A family of sister complexes. As soon as she opened the front door, she had heard voices, but thought nothing of it. She lightly ran up the stairs and saw that the door to the meeting room was open. When she got to it, just before she went inside, something stopped her. The quality of the voices were not just people chatting, and she was immediately embarrassed when she did figure out what the sounds were. So she decided to have a look anyway, and see who was doing what to who in the Yamayurikai's meeting room.

She peeped around the frame of the door and saw Sei, which in some part of her mind did not surprise her, and in her arms was Fukuzawa Yumi, which _did_ surprise her. Eriko had wondered if she had hit her head at some stage during the day. She watched with increasing amazement as Sei pushed Yumi onto the table, and put her hand between her legs, all the while kissing Yumi's slender neck. Yumi had her head thrown back, her eyes closed, saying Sei's name over and over. It was her voice that shocked Eriko the most. It was deeper than Yumi's usual, well-known voice. This was not the voice of the Yumi she had come to know. She could see her text book just behind them, where she usually sits, and gave up. There was no way she was going to interrupt them. She would just have to come in early and finish off what she cannot do tonight. Still, she lingered a while more, her curiosity overriding her sense of decency. She left when Sei told Yumi she loved her, and Eriko felt bad for having looked at all at their intimacy. However, watching them, it did occur to her that this was not the first time for them. As she walks up the stairs of the Rose Mansion now, she wonders how often they did it on the table in that room, and she laughs out loud at the thought. Eriko decides that she is better off not thinking about it.

She will never, ever tell Sei this, but she is happy for her. After the initial scandalised shock of seeing the two of them mid-coitus, she had calmed down enough by the time she got home to feel happy for Sei. Sei who was cold and distant, then became truly miserable, and then seemed to become a new person by her third year, enough anyway, to allow Yumi in. And Sei seems content now, more than she ever has. She is happy for Sei, even if she feels like an idiot for feeling it. As she makes it to the landing, she decides she will rip into Sei today, just to balance things up. Sei, brilliantly, is always up for a fight. Youko will not be happy, but so be it. She enters the meeting room and she sees Rei first, who smiles at her. Eriko feels her heart melt a smidge at her petite soeur's welcome. She takes her customary seat beside her and sees that Yoshino is already up and making tea. Rei bends and begins to fiddle in her bag and Eriko notices an already open box of cookies on the table, and Sei has crumbs on her face and uniform, making her look foolish and cute, a mug of coffee sat on the pile of paperwork by her elbow. Yumi is here too, with Youko at the moment, showing her something on a sheet of paper, the two of them making the same face of annoyance that actually makes them look more like sisters than one would think possible, considering how different they are from each other. Shimako is with Yoshino, and Sachiko is sipping tea, a cookie balancing on her saucer and a textbook open in front of her. Another morning in the Rose Mansion, another day with the Yamayurikai. They were just waiting for her to come so they could get on with business. She looks down as she feels something being placed in her lap. She sees a lovingly decorated box there. She looks back up at Rei who winks at her and quickly looks away.

-Why?

Eriko asks quietly, holding the package gently, running her fingers over the yellow ribbons holding it together. She sincerely hopes that it is white chocolate and pecan cookies, because she loves those. She presses the package with her fingers, and then quickly and subtly deposits it in her school bag.

-Just because.

Rei answers, looking elsewhere, her tone of voice giving away nothing. Eriko feels her heart contract and then expand and she wants to touch Rei. Had they been alone, she would have. Just to say _thank you for thinking of me_. It is not the first time Rei has surprised her with gifts, who never needs a reason to give her something. She has a Rei scarf and has enjoyed many Rei treats. Rei thinks of her as she goes about her Rei business. Every time is a surprise.

-Thank you. Are they…

-You're welcome, and yes, they are.

Eriko laughs at this, and under the cover of the table, she reaches for Rei's hand anyway. She squeezes it, feeling Rei turn her hand to return the touch. She allows the warm feeling this causes to wash through her. With her fingers still loosely lacing Rei's, she turns on Sei, beginning a series of insinuations that never fail to wind Sei up, making the newly minted lover smile that particular smile, the one that says: _I'll play with you and I play hard, you ready?_ _Yes_, Eriko smiles back at Sei, _bring it_. Youko sighs and looks resigned. Yoshino is loudly attending to some plates, Yumi finds her stack of paperwork suddenly very interesting, Shimako asks Rei about a project she may need help on, and Sachiko stays in her book, her hand blindly searching for the box of cookies, which Youko shifts toward her. Eriko feels her equilibrium recover itself. As Sei and she verbally claw at each other, she feels that tight exhilaration as they do so, that feeling of playing catch up that no one else gives her, and the day looks marvellous.

And time, as it will, marches on. Eriko graduated, and with little effort now attends a prestigious liberal arts college in Tokyo and life with Yamanobe is progressing. Although he declined her proposal, and was late for her graduation, he remained interested enough at her other proposal: that she would make him fall in love with her. It seems that her magic is working, because the time has come to meet his daughter. Eriko is unaccountably nervous at the prospect. Even more unaccountably, she finds that she wishes to speak to Sei about it. Why Sei would come to mind at this precise time is a mystery to her. It remains a mystery to her the whole time she is on the bus to Lillian Women's College. It is a nice spring day that carries the promise of summer, and she feels in good spirits as she gets of the bus, and turning left instead of right to go to the entrance to the college. She rang Sei earlier, and they agreed on a time, and now she is here, sitting on a bench near the fountain before the doors of the college entrance proper. She is gazing at the blossoms swirling and eddying in the breeze when boots appear in her line of vision. Smiling, she raises her eyes, taking in the tight jeans and then sweater, on up to Sei's beautiful face, smiling back at her.

-Howdy stranger.

Sei says in English, making Eriko laugh. Sei's English is rather good, but she uses it at the strangest times, which betrays her liking for American films and music.

-Hello, Sei.

Eriko says back in English, standing up and linking her arm through Sei's, overcome, though she would never admit it, with real pleasure at seeing Sei again. Eriko has missed her friends. Misses Youko, misses Sei. Misses Rei a lot. They meant so much to her, more than she realised at the time. Being Eriko, it has taken her no time at all to attract people to her. While interesting, they are strangers yet. She has found that Sei is probably the one she misses the most, because they have been together since they were tiny children, since they wore smocks in the Lillian kindergarten. Sei maintains the physical contact and begins to lead her. Eriko looks out of the corner of her eye at Sei and notes that Sei has cut her hair quite short, which shows off her high cheekbones and make her grey eyes larger. It has only been a few months, but Sei looks quite different. Sei is talking, as usual, and is asking her if she will come to her house warming in a few weeks. Eriko says she would love to as Sei leads them into a cafeteria. She sits Eriko at a free table, and goes off to find them some coffee. Sei did not ask her what beverage she would enjoy, as she is going to get her whatever she wants to get her, which is a small annoyance that Sei always enjoyed. Sometimes, she would come back from either the vending machines or one of the stores near the station with the weirdest things she could find for Eriko. Unfortunately, in Japan, there is no end of weird drinkable concoctions that are currently available for consumption.

Eriko watches Sei walk away. She nods at some people she recognises from high school, all the while keeping an eye on Sei, who is the reason she is here in the first place. She watches Sei call greetings to people, and then joins the line for the drinks station. She watches Sei get service before some of the others, which does not seem to bother them. She sees the charming smile that Sei is wearing and raises an eyebrow over it. Before Sei can see her looking and comment on it, she turns her face to the window, which faces onto the college greenhouse. Sei was flirty in her third year, revealing a truly lecherous side, even if it was harmless, and only someone as pretty and young as Sei could carry it off without any backlash. It seems that Sei has been honing her skills in regards to charming women into doing what she wants. Eriko thinks of Yumi, and wonders if they are still together. In a few moments, Sei rejoins her at the table and places a mug in front of Eriko, nearly but not quite, suppressing a grin as she does so. What has Sei gotten for her? Eriko leaves the mug alone, deciding that she does not need to give Sei any kind of satisfaction.

-Still molesting your juniors, Sei?

-If you mean by that that I'm still dating Yumi, why, then yes, I'm still molesting my junior. Still doing the Dinosaur Man, Eriko?

-If you mean by that if I'm still planning to marry him, then yes.

They smile at each other, and both pick up their mugs at the same time. Taking a sip, she thinks: _there is no one else I know that I could speak to like this and still remain friends, no one else but you, Sei_. The coffee that Sei got her is a cup of pure espresso, enough to give her a heart attack if she drank the whole thing. The overwhelmingly bitter taste would cause a grimace on a lesser mortal, but Eriko has prepared herself for Sei's humour. She smiles and nods, knowing she is not fooling Sei, who will wait patiently for Eriko to crack. Even if sweat breaks out on Eriko's brow, Sei will know she has won. They have done this before, after all.

-So, things are going well?

Eriko asks.

-They are. She spends most of her weekends at my place, and we check in a couple of times a week during school. It's nice. I don't see her as often as I would like, but what can you do?

-I saw you together once.

Sei's eyes widen, and she carefully places her mug on the table, and could it be? Is she blushing? Eriko is not sure what is prompting this confession. She had no idea she would say it until she opened her mouth. There is nothing malicious in Eriko right this moment. It is merely something she knows, and perhaps it is not something she wishes to keep.

-Well, considering how many times we were together in school…

Sei trails off.

-Someone else saw you.

Eriko actually knows that others saw them, but she does not know all of the stories, only the ones Rei knows, so she is extremely interested in anything Sei says about it. Sei covers her face with her hand.

-Camera-chan.

-No!

-Yes. Luckily, she just loves Yumi and managed to redirect Mami-chan away-

-Mami-chan too?

Eriko starts laughing.

-Oh yes, Mami-chan too. Anyway, Camera-chan got her distracted in the nick of time. Youko nearly took my head off for that one. We can laugh about it now, but at the time…

-I'm not surprised. I saw you, Camera-chan saw you. I imagine others did too.

Eriko says this in an off-hand manner, taking a sip of espresso, and keeping her disgust to herself at the taste of it. Sei narrows her eyes.

-What do you know?

She asks, affecting a police interrogation voice. Eriko rolls her eyes.

-Only what Rei tells me.

-Rei?

Eriko cannot help it. She loves to catch Sei wrong footed. She knows she is taking cheap shots, but that does not stop the feeling of a familiar satisfaction from rushing through her in the most pleasant fashion. She leans forward and beckons Sei to come a little closer. Sei leans on her forearms and rocks forward until she is close enough for Eriko to whisper in her ear.

-Lillian's worst kept secret, apparently.

She whispers, and Sei sits back down fast. She does not look nearly as shocked as Eriko thought she would be, which _is_ disappointing. She does however, look shy, wearing what is definitely a blush, she manages to look gorgeous. _Honestly_, Eriko thinks, _Yumi never stood a chance_.

-Well, I always thought it was a good thing that Yumi is so well liked, and I think being Yamayurikai helped a lot.

-Actually, you may find that it was Sachiko, very protective and must-save-face-at-all-costs Sachiko, who saved you both from being dragged over the coals. This is again, according to Rei.

-She never said anything.

-Why would she? As long as her darling Yumi was happy, that's all that mattered. People were genuinely nervous of Sachiko. She was not the only one to do it in the Yamayurikai either. I believe little Yoshino-chan saved you both from being expelled from the amount of rumours she stepped on.

And Eriko gets the reaction she was looking for with that. Sei looks shocked _and_ uncomfortable.

-You have quite a few people to remember come chūgen.

Sei puffs out her cheeks, and then blows air fast. Her eyes are very wide, and she is nodding her agreement with this. Eriko feels a tiny bit bad for her. Sei is all or nothing. It is part of her personality that makes her a lot of fun to play with. She was just caught up, and never noticed the havoc she and Yumi were causing.

-You are well loved Sei, by all of the Yamayurikai. They did it as much for you as for Yumi. In their own way, they understood.

-And do you love me too, Torii-san?

-Not in the slightest. But I do rather like the idea of you.

Sei huffs a laugh at this, which turns into a real laugh. Eriko smiles at her, sipping her mug of poison, still refusing to give in.

-Rei still keeps in contact I see.

Sei asks this is manner that suggests she is working her way around to a jibe.

-The other way around. I can't bear to let her go.

Sei raises her eyebrows at this.

-Still practicing? I though what with Dinosaur Man, you could move on.

-Not everyone is in such a rush as you. And contrary to your lewd suggestions, Rei and I were never like that.

-Pure girls love, huh?

-Lived only in the eyes.

They look at each other for a beat before they crack up. Wiping her eyes and pulling herself together, Sei asks Eriko what brings her here. Surely it is not just to make fun of her? No, Eriko agrees, she wants to talk about something. Before Eriko goes on, Sei reminds her if it is about relationship advise, she in not qualified to tell her what men want, in a specific sense, nor is she ever going to be. Eriko has so many missiles lined up to shoot at Sei for that, but she puts them aside for later, because she wants to get on with it. She is open and candid with Sei, with her nerves and worries about meeting Yamanobe's daughter. She is not sure what she wants Sei to say to her, or if she just wants to be reassured. Sei gives Eriko her whole attention, which in its own way, is quite unnerving. It makes her feel like she is being stripped away, until her nerve endings are exposed. This is an aspect of Sei that makes her even more interesting, and it is something that usually stays hidden. She misses nothing in conversation, and remembers everything; reading between the lines is something she is particularly good at, which can make talking with her nervewracking. It is also what made her an excellent opponent in those dragging times either in the Rose Mansion or the classroom. Sei joined in probably for the same reasons. They are both exceptionally smart girls, and school was simply not engaging enough for either of them, so they relieved each other's boredom. And at this moment, Sei has nothing she would rather do that sit here and listen to her. That was something else Sei was very good at: making time. Eriko briefly wonders if Yumi appreciates this. Eventually, Eriko runs out of steam, having covered all the pertinent points. Sei spends a few moments asking her to clarify some points, thankfully not assuming her police interrogation voice again.

-I have no experience in this, Eriko, so I'm not sure how I can…wait…brilliant…hang on…Kei!

Eriko wonders where Sei thinks she may go, when she turns and looks over at who Sei is calling to. A tall girl with long dark hair and glasses turns to them. She begins to walk over to them, a wry expression settling easily onto her pretty features directed at Sei. As she comes closer, she clears this to something more pleasant, as Sei has company she has never met before. Sei introduces Katou Kei to Eriko, and she stands to bow to Sei's friend. Katou-san bows back, and with the formalities out of the way, they sit and converse for a while. Eventually, Sei gets to the reason why she called Katou-san over. She asks Katou-san would she mind telling Eriko her story, about her father remarrying when she was a child, and Katou-san is good enough to acquiesce. Trust Sei to take the child's perspective, to create empathy where she perceived none to be. She was right, Eriko was not thinking of how the child would feel meeting someone who will be a mother figure of sorts, hopefully, in her life. And trust Sei to know somebody to relate this perspective. Coming to see Sei was the right thing to do, absolutely. Even if she did not know anybody with this particular take on the situation, it still would have been the right thing to do. She makes the decision to measure Sei up for a bridesmaid dress. She will make sure it is the most frilly frou frou thing she can think of, something Sei would definitely not be caught dead in, and will have to stand for photographs in then cringe over for the rest of her days.

Eventually, Katou-san has to leave and she wishes Eriko well. Eriko stands to bow again, and to thank Katou-san for sharing such a personal experience with her. Katou-san waves it away, saying it was not a hardship by any means. There are a few further polite exchanges, and Eriko sits down. Katou-san has words with Sei, something about her taking advantage of Katou-san living so close to the campus, and she still has some of her folders there. Eriko watches them for want of anything better to do, and something occurs to her, looking at them. Oh. Eriko idly wonders of they know how much they like each other. There is a certain feeling between them that makes Eriko suddenly feel for Yumi, who surely cannot know about this. She wonders of she should mention it. Coming from her, it may sound like she is just using Katou-san to tease Sei, and it would sound ungracious in the least. So, unless Sei brings it up, or it finds its way into the conversation, Eriko will probably leave it alone. She feels a little indebted to Sei, so she thinks that she may have to find a way to work it in. At this very moment she is indecisive, so she leaves it up to fate. Katou-san finally takes her leave, and the two former Rosas are alone again. Sei looks a little distracted, and Eriko thinks that she knows, she knows, and is worrying about it. She watches Sei watch Katou-san walk away. What can she say, really, that could help Sei with this? Out of a sense of duty, she decides to offer her time anyway.

-Sei, thank you for this.

Eriko begins, pulling Sei out of her thoughtfulness. Sei smiles and shakes her head, her new fringe passing over her fine eyebrows.

-What are friends for?

She answers, half smiling and finally looking at Eriko. Eriko smiles back.

-I didn't know platitudes were part of your vocabulary, Sei.

-Actually, I specialise in them.

-Can I offer you one in return, as payment for that one?

-Go for it.

-Should you ever need to talk, I'm always here.

-That's more of a cliché, don't you think?

Eriko laughs and reaches out her hand to cover Sei's. This is not the first time that Eriko has touched Sei, but it is the most sincere.

-Seriously, Sei.

Sei looks up at Eriko, her face serious. There is something there alright, but Eriko is not going to force her speak about it. She is not Youko. Eriko has always been aware of the 'special relationship' that constitutes Sei and Youko's friendship. Youko actually cares about Sei, as in cares about her wellbeing and if Sei is coping. Eriko does not care about these things. She has felt much as Sei has felt about Youko, that perhaps Youko should have learned to keep her distance. The girl always had to know what was going on, would not rest until she did so. Sei knew how to deal with her, knew the right combination of words and body language that would ease Youko somewhat. It was odd, in retrospect, how much Youko would react to Sei. Jesus, were all of the Yamayurikai in love with each other? Everyone except her? And should she feel left out? Eriko wants to laugh at this thought, so she puts it away, saving it up for another, more fitting occasion. Clearly, though, Eriko must care somewhat about Sei, because here she is, practically holding her hand, and trying to figure out a way to ask Sei some rather personal questions. She is not very good at this. It is a failing she is just fine with, to be honest. Then she remembers who she is sitting here with. The one person in the world she can say anything to.

-Sei…

Eriko says, squeezing Sei's hand gently. It feels strange, trying to be gentle with Sei. She is not used to this kind of feeling regarding the woman, and it sits ill with her. She tries anyway, simply because she has never done it before, and therefore the novelty of it is appealing.

-What? You want to practice with me now? Rei is just next door, y'know.

-So is Yumi.

Sei stops joking around and eyes Eriko warily.

-What about Yumi?

Sei asks. Her voice is cold and careful, measured. Eriko does not mind this. She has been on the receiving end of many of Sei's moods, and unlike most others, Youko included, she has never blanched in the face of them. They left her unruffled and mostly unaffected. Though there was that really nasty comment about her brothers one time. That had quite upset her, and thinking on it, she probably deserved it, whatever it was that she did. The coldness is better from Sei. If Sei did something other, Eriko thinks she may not be able to handle that. Sei pulls her hand out from under Eriko's and lifts her mug to her face.

-Indeed. What about Yumi?

Eriko throws it back to her.

-Just spit it out Eriko.

Sei's tone is bitchy and tired. Not by a long shot is this the first time Sei has thought about this. Eriko will not give into Sei however. Actually, has Eriko ever conceded a point to Sei without making her pay dearly for it? Oh, no, she has not, and she is not about to start now.

-How long have you been together now?

She asks instead. Sei thinks about it.

-It depends on how you look at it.

She answers, a brief mischievous look in her eyes.

-Officially then, Sei. Look at it that way.

-Since November, looking at it that way.

-And you have not spent so much time together since you started college, correct?

-Where is this going Eriko?

Sei is looking up at the ceiling as she says this; her patience is not endless with Eriko.

-I'm giving you a chance. I have no vested interest in you or Yumi. And I'm here now. So if there is anything on your mind that is bothering you, you know I'm good for it.

Sei thinks on this, still gazing with rapt attention to the ceiling. As usual, even the profile of her face gives away nothing. The minutes drag on. Eriko does not mind. She has no where she needs to be, and she finds that she is happy here with Sei. Sei will talk eventually. She always does.

-I'm love with Yumi.

Sei says eventually to the ceiling.

-She is not as she appears.

She adds, her voice slow and soft, and the half-smile is back. Eriko believes her. She believes that Sei is in love with Yumi, and yes, considering the facts, Yumi managed to capture the attention of Ogasawara Sachiko and even more, Satou Sei, so Eriko has no problems believing that there is more to Yumi than meets the eye. Sei laughs even more softly, dropping her head back down and facing Eriko again.

-From the first moment I saw her Eriko, I had to have her. I didn't even know her, and I just wanted her. She is smart and funny, and she gets me. She allows for me and all of my weirdness. It doesn't bother her. That's part of it, the part that came later, but at the time? There was just something so…inviting about Yumi. I always thought that about her.

-And you had no reason to hold back either. You had Shimako by that stage.

-That's true. She was not my petite soeur, and she never would be. I never would have made her mine that way. If she had not come to the Rose Mansion that day, I never would have met her. Never would have noticed her. When I saw her first, I thought she was very cute, but in a distant way. But when she said no to Sa-chan, I thought, how interesting.

-Is that why you thought up the penalty game?

Eriko asks, very drawn into Sei's openness. She has never had this kind of conversation with Sei, and it fascinates her. There are so many things she did not know about her friend, that she has known for years. It is her own fault. She never cared enough to ask. Her indifference is not just for show. Now that perspective has had a chance to insinuate itself into her thoughts, she finds that she is interested, and she had not guessed at Sei's depth of feeling for Yumi. Somewhere in her, she still thought of them as playing at love. That it was the situation that brought them close, that created an obsession for each other. Part of her had thought it was unconsciously manufactured, to pass the time on Sei's part and on Yumi's side because she could not express her yearning for Sachiko. That it was a relationship of convenience.

-Well, I had Sa-chan in mind as well. I'm not that selfish. But I did want to see Yumi again, out of amusement at first. And as she came often to the Mansion because of the play, I completely understood, why half asleep, Sa-chan had fixed her tie.

Sei sighs and turns her mug in her hands.

-So the whole make Sa-chan jealous thing, it was partly me, and partly Youko.

-Youko? Was it one of her meddlings?

Then both giggle a bit at this.

-It was. She encouraged me to mix things up a bit. I don't think she expected what happened as a result, but Sa-chan got her petite soeur, and she was glad about that. Youko liked Yumi quite a bit by that stage, and thought she would be good for Sachiko, give her someone to focus on, someone who did not come from her background, who would level her out a bit. Youko made these decisions for her, because Sachiko was having none of it. Apparently, I was to blame for this, because I set the precedent of not picking a petite soeur until my third year. I was persuaded, you see, to make up for it.

Sei looks into her mug again, as if she is reading the past from its contents.

-But I was already lying at that stage. I did want Sa-chan to take Yumi seriously, because even I could see that she was a good fit. And Sa-chan can be very charming when she sets her mind to it, and by Yumi saying no, it got her all fired up. I just kept adding fuel. So I pressed every button I could think of, until I hit on it. Sexual jealousy. Sa-chan could not stand to see me touching Yumi. It drove her apeshit. But I didn't really care about that. I just wanted Yumi around. Yumi seemed to like me, and that was all that mattered after a while.

Eriko remembers this much. She remembers Sachiko having her nose put out of joint whenever she saw Sei and Yumi getting on. Even if Sei was not being touchy feely with Yumi, their closeness upset her. It is a vague recollection for Eriko, but she sometimes looked around herself, and wondered what everybody was up to. Sometimes, she needed ammunition against Sei, sometimes, she had to, and sometimes, she just did pay attention.

-And here's the really selfish part. I just wanted an excuse to touch Yumi. Youko may have started the ball rolling, but I took full advantage of it. It was during a dance rehearsal for the play, when Youko suggested I partner with Yumi, I found I really liked it. She was soft and smelled good, and she was deceptive, under that uniform.

-Even more to her than meets the eye?

Eriko interrupts the flow to ask, laughing at the thought of Sei being allowed off her leash by Youko, and happily groping at Yumi. If there had not been genuine altruism behind it, it would horrify her. How they manipulated the situation, how they treated the younger girls like chess pieces. She knows, of course, that the intentions behind it were never that cold. She knows that Youko was trying to accomplish something of value, to help her petite soeur at least make an attempt at being human. It also got Sei more involved with the Yamayurikai, by asking her, the one person who could pull it off with any conviction, to be the villain. And of course, Eriko knows that even thinking of it this way is a gross over simplification of the affair. They were not cruel and thoughtless girls, but they were used to wielding a certain amount of power, both privately and publicly. And if someone like Youko can, she will, and that is not an over simplification. That is a statement of fact.

-I took to hugging her even when there was no one there to see. I hinted more than once that I liked her, but she never took it seriously. Except, after a while, unless there was someone around to see, she stopped fighting me.

-You're just like a boy sometimes.

-Hey, hey. But listen, Yumi was not innocent in this.

-Like I said, just like a boy.

Sei laughs at this.

-Tell me then, how Yumi was no innocent.

-She always looked at me.

-That's it? She looked at you, and that made her up for anything?

-No, smarty pants. It was the way she used to do it. She studied me when she thought I was otherwise engaged. But I would have to be very blind indeed not to notice that. I studied her too, but I was much more open about it. After all, I was on a mission, as assigned to me by the de facto leader of our merry band. Yumi did it quietly, and I was flattered and flustered. And there was more. When she did become Sa-chan's, there was much troubled water yet to make its way under their bridge. She would come to me with those problems, and it made us close, you could say. I wanted to take care of her, I worried about her, and she trusted me. She would look at me with her expressive face, and it made me want to be the very best I could for her. It mattered what she thought of me.

This fascinates Eriko. This mutual seduction went on for months, and no one knew about it. No one knew that two members of the Yamayurikai were slowly, gently and truly falling in love with each other. Not school girl crushing, not practicing, not testing the outer reaches of skinship, but honestly in love with all that entails. If what she saw in the Rose Mansion that evening was anything to go by. She heard Sei, even then, say she loved Yumi. She did not say that she really, really liked Yumi, she used the word for deep love, death 'till us part love. Girls, though, are given to such declarations. Even though hearing it made her feel ashamed for looking, she did not take it seriously, even if she was happy for Sei. Now she sees that it was serious. Sei continues on.

-After a while, I contrived reasons to be alone with her. I knew she liked to get to the mansion early, so I began coming early too. Help her with her homework, mess around with her, make her laugh. Anything at all to interact with her. I wanted to say it to her so badly. I wanted to say, I like you Yumi. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was afraid. Of course, I know different now, but at the time, I was scared. After what happened with Shiori, I was so scared. Of lots of things.

-That's understandable, Sei. Anyone would be cautious after that.

Eriko has some sketchy details about the Shiori debacle. She knows that Sei got into trouble with the school over it; she knows that she cut her hair over it; knows that for the rest of the school year, Sei was impossible to be around. If she was angst ridden before, she was flirting with some very dangerous emotions after that. It surprised anyone who did not know her well, that Sei would do something so old fashioned as to cut off her hair over a failed love affair. Nothing had to be explicitly said. Hair cutting is a traditional ending to love gone awry. For her friends, they were glad it was just her hair. It confirmed what a lot of people thought about Sei. That she was carrying on with a junior, and that it had not gone well. Especially when Sei came back after the Christmas break but Kubo Shiori had not. Youko had been a great help during that time. Sei would not respond to Eriko, but Youko never gave her a choice. She kept her so busy that she rarely had a chance to dwell on what went before. Youko especially found her jobs that forced her to talk to people. She made her do all the phone work, something Sei did until she graduated. By the time third year rolled around, Sei had found another way to cope. She _became_ Rosa Gigantea, and showed their world that she had other sides too.

-Did I ever say how sorry I was about that?

-No, you didn't. I didn't think you noticed it at all.

-I did. How could I not. I only know some of what Youko hinted at, and both of our Onee-samas, but I know enough. I used to think I would come into the mansion and find you hanging from the landing banister.

-Jesus, Eriko.

-It was like that around you. I _am_ sorry it didn't work out. But you got to meet Yumi, and Yumi is not Shiori.

-Oh no, she certainly is not. Shimako is more like her, _and_ she wants to be a nun, though I'm not too sure if she wants to do that anymore. When I met her first, she did. Yumi is open and accepting about love and sex. She has a healthy attitude and an understanding of herself that would be unsettling in anyone else. And, as it turned out, I needn't have worried. It was Yumi who made the first move.

-Really?

Eriko, yet again, has to re-evaluate her idea of Yumi. Sei smiles brightly at her.

-Really. She's brave. Much braver than me. I was more surprised than anything else, but a kiss like that can't be taken or given back. We moved fast after that.

Eriko catches the tone in Sei's voice as she says the last part.

-Too fast?

She asks. In Eriko's opinion, she thinks that yes, they moved far too fast. If Sei says that they officially got together in November, when Eriko saw them, it was early December, she thinks. And they were definitely not doing anything new.

-Perhaps. But I couldn't leave her alone. I tried, long before the kiss, long before anything else, even as I kept inventing reasons to be alone with her, I was trying to keep a lid on it. But when she made in clear in no uncertain terms that she liked me back, there was no way we could keep away from each other. Might as well tell the tide not to come in.

-Do you think that you should have slowed down, looking back?

-If I was to do it again, I'd do it the same, Eriko. It had been under the surface for months, and when we finally got to that point, it felt like the right time, it felt like we had waited long enough and we just wanted to be with each other. But there was a problem. An on-going one, actually.

-Oh?

-Sachiko.

-Ah.

They stop awhile at that. Eriko already knew what the problem was going to be. She does wonder, however, if it is Yumi's feelings or Sei's that are causing the road block.

-She's in everything, Eriko. There are three people in our relationship. I have to allow for her if I want to be with Yumi. And I don't want to hurt Sachiko either.

-You have always been overly protective of Sachiko, Sei. I could never figure out why. It's not like you two are close, in fact you seem to take great delight in teasing her.

Sei thinks about this, and Eriko can see her choosing her words carefully.

-Part of it was because she casts a very tragic figure, don't you think? Young girl, bound by the whim of her family, carefully packaged up in a place like Lillian until it is time to marry her off and breed her. The whole story appealed to me, and Youko cares a great deal for her. I felt sorry for her. My own upbringing was not the most joyous, but at least I have my autonomy. I can choose for myself who I want to love, what I want to do. While I can't change Sa-chan's ultimate fate, I thought Yumi would be good for her, to let her see that she can be happy in at least one place, because she seemed so desperately unhappy about her prospects. Of course, I didn't think I would fall in love with Yumi myself, so out of my good intentions, I ended up acting very selfishly. So I leave them to it. It makes them both happy to be around each other. I get jealous, especially since I am not in the school with them anymore, but I don't want to make Yumi choose.

-And what about you?

-What about me? I leave them be. I don't force anything. But when I plan anything now, I have to check with Sa-chan if it's ok to see my own girlfriend. I'm hoping hard that this will stop when Sa-chan graduates, because that's when she gets married.

Eriko gets the distinct impression that Sei is not saying a lot. She is carefully editing herself, and even then, Eriko is slightly disturbed by what she hears. It is leaving her really interested in why they came to this arrangement. The idea of a ménage à trois comes with surprising rapidity to her. It sounds like it, and she thinks that this is what Sei is hiding from her. She wonders if she lets Sei talk long enough, will she actually say it. Sei is being very open, and Eriko will let Sei wander hither and tither until she says something that Eriko can work with. Her previous happy thoughts for Sei are slightly darkened now with this information.

-Other than that, I'm very happy with Yumi. I never thought I could have this sort of happiness. She loves me back, and she wants me, and she is not at all shy about it. When she sees me Eriko, her whole face lights up. But you know Yumi, when she likes a thing, she doesn't hold back. So I compromise on Sachiko. When Yumi is with me, it's ok, I can deal. When she is not with me, I worry a little. They _are_ closer than they should be, especially since Yumi is now in a relationship, but I don't have it in me to make Sa-chan back off, even if I'm jealous.

Eriko thinks about this, as she looks at the curious mix of emotions that Sei is not bothering to hide from her. They have progressed too far into their friendship just sitting here for that to be an issue. She thinks about Katou Kei, and she thinks about compromise. What else will Sei compromise on? What will she justify in the name of compromise? Eriko would never say that so openly, and really, it is not her business to tell Sei how to run her love life, even if she does suddenly find herself wanting to. She is hardly the voice of experience. However, she cannot sit here and say nothing. Sei has said some very intimate things to her.

-You may have to have a conversation with Yumi about Sachiko at some point, Sei.

Sei wipes her hand down her face. When she looks back at Eriko, she looks desolate.

-I don't want to make her choose.

-You may have to. Be ready to do it Sei. You deserve to be happy, and Yumi may love Sachiko, but she is not in a relationship with her. It's you she is with.

-Except…

-Except?

-She sort of is.

-Sei…

Eriko feels like she should not be surprised by this, but she is. Eriko may not have as much experience with relationships that Sei does, but from the look in Sei's eyes and the tone of her voice, it tells her that Sei is compromising too much. Is Sei's fear of loss so great that this is what she calls happiness? Sei sighs.

-It's more complicated than I can explain.

-Try. Tell me what's happening with you.

-Yumi doesn't know that I'm this jealous, because I haven't told her. She passes comments, sometimes, just enough to let me know that she knows something is going on. I don't think she would understand why I would be jealous. She thinks we've moved passed it.

-Why are you lying about this? Yumi is not stupid, and I don't think she is heartless, so why not have the conversation with her, tell her what's going on?

-No, Yumi certainly isn't heartless. That's the problem. She wants everybody to be happy, whether it's possible or not. Eriko, she's literally tearing herself in two to keep myself and Sachiko balanced. I can't push for more.

-But don't you see? That is exactly what you should do. Think of Yumi then, if you are so unconcerned about your own happiness. Make her choose, so she can stop doing that. Or are you not so confident that she will choose you?

There is silence from Sei. Eriko can see that Sei is still scared. Just as she said, she was and is scared of many things, and she is refusing to face her issues.

-There really are three of you in this. I thought it was more metaphorical, but it's not. Why not try to take Yumi out of the equation and talk directly to Sachiko?

-We tried that, Sachiko and I. We were time-sharing Yumi, without her knowledge until I graduated. She caught on to it, and we ended up hurting her more. What I've neglected to tell her is that we're still doing it. She's going to catch us again, but Eriko, we're both in love with her. What can we do?

Eriko is once more taken aback by these revelations. So much that went on in such a close knit circle of friends, so close they were more like family. Except…she never knew about any of this.

-I hate lying to her, about anything, but I also understand Sa-chan's feelings. We had to come up with a way that allowed us both to have time with her. I couldn't take Yumi away completely. I just couldn't do that to her. And Yumi knew something was going on. She's probably aware that it's still going on, but so far, she has declined to comment on it. It's disrespectful to Yumi, I know, I know, but this is the best we can do.

Eriko doubts that this is the best that Sei can do, though it makes sense. Looking at it from Yumi's point of view, perhaps not. Eriko does wonder, however, why Sachiko gets as much time as Sei. There is something Sei is not telling her. Eriko is truly engaged now, and she will pursue it.

-Is Yumi sleeping with Sachiko?

Eriko decides that enough is enough. She channels Youko, thinking that by being too detached she will never get anywhere with this.

-No.

Sei answers. It sounds like a lie.

-But she did, didn't she?

Sei looks up at Eriko and nods.

-And you're ok with that? You don't look ok with that.

-It's…

-I know. It's complicated.

-It was a strange time, between the three of us. I know it sounds like a cop out, but it _is_ complicated.

-You're so soft sometimes, Sei. Look, you need to talk to Yumi about this. She's a big girl and I'm sure she can handle it. And you know what?

-What?

-If you don't talk to your girlfriend about this, you're going to cheat. You're going to justify it to yourself, because you allowed Yumi to sleep with Sachiko.

The look of shock that crosses Sei's face does not, for once, make Eriko happy. _You were always more obvious than you thought, Sei_, Eriko thinks, looking at her friend.

-I wouldn't do that.

Sei whispers, and Eriko can see that she is really upset now, but Eriko pushes on, not changing her tone in the slightest.

-You're already thinking about it. You and Katou Kei? If I can see it, Sei, others can too.

They are quiet for a while. Sei does not like thinking about this, Eriko can see it. She has thought about this a lot. If only she stopped thinking and did something, then she could stop being so upset. Sei is a professional fence sitter, always choosing to jump up and down rather than just pick a side and stick with it. Eriko supposes that she knows why Sei is this way, but Sei is growing up, she has to, and she has to take responsibility for her actions. In a way, Eriko can forgive Yumi. She is quite young, and probably had no idea what she was getting into. Her seniors should have made the decision for her if she found she could not. She thinks of herself and Rei. Indeed, she could not force Rei to choose her over Yoshino. She did not want to hurt her, but although the principal is the same, the situation is more serious with Sei and Yumi. Eriko might have been hurt over Yoshino's presence, but she did not have her heart broken.

-How do you come to the conclusion that I let Yumi and Sachiko sleep together?

-Because neither of them would lie to you about it. And letting them would be just like you. Yumi in particular, I think, would have approached you about it, and Sachiko has the manners of a samurai. She would feel honour bound to ask your permission, and you two lords could talk about it like in times of yore, with Yumi playing the part of a highly valued concubine.

Sei actually laughs at this, but it is a disgusted sound.

-So I was right?

-When you put it that way, it sounds bad.

-Maybe because it is bad. That was the time to say no, Sei. To make yourself clear. Instead here you are.

-People do what they do.

Is the cryptic response from Sei. Eriko feels like she is losing Sei in this conversation. Sei shakes herself out of her mood and smiles brightly at Eriko. She lost her. Seeing as Eriko is in no hurry, however, it only remains to see for how long.

-Are you going next door to see Rei?

So, neutral topics.

-I am. If I get the chance, I also want to needle Yoshino about a petite soeur. Because of your reluctance, everybody thinks they can wait until their final year. Thanks to you, the Yamayurikai will probably not be up to full strength for a few years. Some legacy you left there.

-Yumi is going to pick one this year. She already has her eye on someone. A distant relation of Sachiko's, actually. And Shimako has her own, so I am definitely not the one slacking here. You only want to chase after Yoshino because you could never resist it.

-Of course not. She took Rei's attention away from me.

-That is refreshingly honest of you.

-No one ever asked me that before. I was very jealous when Yoshino joined us. I wanted Rei all to myself. It took me until I was nearly finished high school to realise I had not lost her, our relationship just had to change.

-Funny. I never thought of you and Rei as particularly close.

-But we were. We still are. Like you with your situation, I didn't want to put Rei in the awkward position of balancing Yoshino and I. Sometimes, I think I should have been more vocal about it. Not demanded more of her time, but requested it. But Yoshino was ill when she came to school, and I felt like a bitch for even thinking it.

Eriko sighs and smiles at Sei.

-I just couldn't. Rei is so sweet and loyal, loving by nature, and obedient by inclination. Making demands on her would be harder on me, because I knew I would be upsetting her. If I asked her for anything, her loyalty and devotion is so absolute, she would give it, no matter how much it cost her. And all she ever wanted from me was to know that I cared and accepted her. Which I did, and still do. I can understand a little of what you are going through, Sei. These soeur relations, they are complicated; they punish and reward in equal measure.

Sei is nodding at Eriko's words.

-It was hurtful to make Shimako my petite soeur. She reminded me so much of Shiori, I thought I would make the same mistakes all over again. I pushed her away, and then when I thought she might be taken from me, when Sachiko made a play for her, I had to admit that I liked her for the role. I liked looking at her, liked the sound of her voice. I even liked that she was in the environment club. She wanted to be a nun, and that was fine with me. It made it easier to keep my distance. I didn't want to have too close a bond with her. The soeur thing always felt a bit unhealthy, to be honest. What the hell does it all mean anyway? Fake romances amongst pure maidens. I never liked it, though I did like the camaraderie of the Yamayurikai. But the soeur thing? I never wanted Shimako dependent on me in that way, always maybe, with no follow through. I nipped that in the bud straight away. But when I hear her talk about Noriko, her petite soeur, or hear Yumi mention their relationship, I always think: god, Shimako, did I teach you nothing!

Eriko laughs at this. She understands where Sei is coming from. When she sees Yoshino with Rei, she hopes that Rei will finally know what the right thing to do is. She wants Yoshino to get a petite soeur as quickly as possible so she can be distracted from Rei. She does not mention this to Sei, because it is a Foetida secret, but if she did, she knows Sei would understand where _she_ is coming from.

-And don't get me started on Yumi! She doesn't know it yet, but she is smitten with Matsudaira Touko.

-Matsudaira Touko? Of the medical Mastudairas?

-Bingo. Excellent pedigree-

Sei actually sneers when she says this.

-She will make a fantastic Rosa Chinensis. Don't look at me that way. My girlfriend is all Touko-chan this and Touko-chan that. Of course, she is having nothing to do with Yumi, but for some reason, Yumi is genuinely interested in her. I find this a lot stranger than I did with Shimako.

-Oh, you're not bitter at all.

Eriko mocks Sei, finding her ire childish and highly amusing. Sei, who somewhere along the line developed a sense of humour about herself, chuckles.

-You don't know what it's like. Rei was always going to choose Yoshino. You didn't have to watch Rei chase another girl. Nor do you have to listen to Yumi wax lyrical about Mechanical Drill, and how she looked today, or what insult she hurled at her, which Yumi seems determined to view in a positive light. _You_ don't have to lie in bed next to her, and listen to her planning her seduction of someone else, and worse, her not knowing it _is_ seduction.

Eriko holds up her hands in surrender before she receives too much information about the Satou-Fukuzawa household. She is laughing though, because Sei is right. She was spared that. Not that she would ever be lying anywhere with Rei, but she gets the picture. Then Sei changes tack.

-Your own loyalty is pretty absolute, regarding our young kendo master.

Eriko feels the truth of Sei's words. She agrees. Her loyalty to Rei is absolute. She suddenly wants to see Rei. Wants to see her handsome face with its soft expressions. The gentle smile that warms the obtuseness of Eriko. Eriko, who learned early to keep people at a distance, drops her guard now and again. She lets people into her world. Rei is primary among those people. Seeing Rei for the first time was like when she saw Yamanobe for the first time: like Eriko had been hit with a lightning bolt on a clear, blue sky day. And Eriko knew love, like she never knew love before. While the type of love is quite different, the intensity of it is the same.

-I'll take my leave Sei. But you know, I'm not so far away that we can't go for coffee. Of my choosing this time.

She smirks at Sei as she says this, having made a very brave attempt on the coffee Sei brought her. Sei sniggers at this.

-I know, Eriko. And thank you.

-No, thank you. Thank you for listening to me.

-You're welcome. Say hello to Dinosaur Man for me.

Eriko laughs. She will have to start insisting that Sei call him by his name. But Sei always had to have nicknames for people. Mechanical Drill? Christ.

-I will. Give my regards to Yumi. Will she be at your house warming?

-She practically lives there, so yeah. I'll pass on your greetings.

Sei wears a nice smile when she talks about Yumi. It makes Eriko hopeful for them, that everything will turn out well. Sei seems, at best, 60% happy, and she wishes for her to be a 100% happy. Or at least, as close as Sei can get. Eriko however, after saying she must leave, does not want to rush away from Sei. Curse her curious nature, but she is not comfortable just leaving things. There are items they have not addressed, and because of the uniqueness of this conversation, she can leave Rei for a while. In all of her years of knowing Sei, they have never spoken like this. It is strange to think how much they have in common, how much they could say to each other. But then, Sei is a unique individual.

-Will you talk to her, Sei? Talk to her about Sachiko? Yumi wants to be happy too, and if what you're saying is accurate, and Yumi is splitting herself in two to please the both of you, don't you think you owe her the love you say you have for her, and talk to her about it? If she can't make the decision, like I said, you will probably have to do it for her.

-Why Eriko? Why does it have to be me? Because I'm the oldest?

The plaintive note in Sei's voice settles Eriko back into her chair. She pushes Rei all the way to the side of her attention. She is suddenly very glad she decided to say something.

-Why can't it be simple? I love her, she loves me. When she graduates, I want her to move in with me. Why does it have to be this way?

-Because nothing you do is ever simple. It's not simple because you won't make it simple. You know what you want, but you won't push for it. You're not asking for anything unreasonable, Sei.

-I'm scared, as usual. I don't want to lose her.

-And you won't. You seem confident that she loves you; you've said it often enough today. Trust her Sei. Trust yourself. Sachiko has her own future waiting for her, and she will have to move onto it eventually. You may have to force the issue a little ahead of schedule for her.

Sei looks at the table. Dejected is the only suitable word for her.

-I hate this.

She says to the table. And Eriko feels about as bad for another person as she ever has. Like when Yoshino gave Rei back her rosary. Rei did not want to talk to her about it, and if Rei did not want to talk about something, that was it. There was no reaching her. She has the oddest feeling that she should do what she did with Rei one time. Go and sit beside Sei and let Sei hold her. Or perhaps this time, she could be the one to do the holding. She does not move from her seat. Sei seems on the verge of something emotional, and Eriko, despite the urge, does not want to give into it. She is not sure of her ability to handle any real outpouring from Sei. Eriko is a woman who recognises her own limitations and thus can surpass them. But some things, like tears, are beyond her. She does not remember the last time she cried herself, for any reason. Sei was the most emotional out of the three of them, given to anger and happiness in equal measure. Even her act of splendid isolation was more emotion. Eriko fears any movement from her could tip Sei into showing some of that pent up emotion, like startling a wild animal and she does not want Sei to disgrace herself in public that way. She waits Sei out, and finally, she pulls herself together.

-I'm sorry.

Sei apologises, but Eriko is not sure what she is apologising for, so she waves it away.

-What will you do?

She asks Sei, wanting to nudge them onto firmer territory.

-Wait.

Sei answers, annoying Eriko.

-Why wait? You're clearly upset now.

-I'll wait because I want Yumi to come to this decision by herself. I don't want her to blame me for the rest of our lives together, that I forced her to give up Sachiko.

-But what happens in the meantime? Yumi may or may not think things are ok, but will carry on because that's what there is to do, and you're looking at another woman. What happens?

Sei shakes her head, but she is no longer denying that she is thinking about someone else. She raises an eyebrow at Eriko.

-What do _you _think I should do?

-Grow a spine, Satou-san.

Eriko surprises the both of them with the vehemence in her voice. Sei looks at her, her eyes wide and hurt. Eriko briefly and fervently wishes she could grab those words and cram them back in. Too late for that but it is never too late to apologise.

-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so blunt.

-But you were thinking it, obviously. Do you think I'm a coward?

Eriko does not answer her straight away. She takes her time to frame her answer not just diplomatically, but truthfully. The truth is, she does think Sei is being a coward. And it is not the first time she has thought this about her. But the other truth is that everybody has something they are cowardly over. It cannot be helped, Eriko believes that every person under the sun has something they shy away from, something they hate facing. Sei, for instance, would rather run, either physically or emotionally, than have a confrontation, and risk losing something that matters. Or someone, as the case is. Eriko has issues with emotional intimacy, for another instance. She finds it hard to be emotional, unless it is very strong and then she cannot help herself or her actions. Yamanobe has pointed this out to her, and she took it on board. She doubts she will change, but it will only be problematic if he cries.

-I think you don't trust yourself. In fact, now that I think about it, I think you don't believe you are worthy of love, so you are willing to be miserable, because at least you know that feeling.

-Don't hold back, Eriko!

-You asked. And I'm giving you my opinion, which is only that, remember. You were always the angsty loner type, the type that would have been in the top five, if anyone made a list, most likely to kill herself by the end of high school. And then you fell for Shiori, and lost what little perspective you had at the time. Then Shiori hurt you, and no doubt herself in the process. But Sei, faced with your absolute love and attention, she ran. Because she was not the right one for you, and you know that now. You're so intense Sei, it's who you are. Yumi is not Shiori, and she was the same age Shiori was when you began dating. Yumi is not running. If she was going to, she would have by now, don't you think?

-So don't treat them the same? I don't. What I have with Yumi is nothing like I had with Shiori. It doesn't even compare.

-But you're holding on. I think part of you is already looking for a way out, because working through all of this would be too hard, and Yumi might end up leaving you anyway. That's what you're thinking, isn't it?

-Don't be ridiculous.

-Is it ridiculous, Sei? Whatever is happening between the three of you, you're just as responsible as the other two, all because you're afraid. Afraid to let go and move on, because you think you know how this is going to turn out. That you, with your intelligence, would choose to go to Lillian Women's College? C'mon.

-I wanted to be close to Yumi and Shimako.

-I don't believe that.

-And I do not believe I understand what you are insinuating.

-Drop the act, Sei.

-I'm not acting.

-Fine, fine. Lie to me, by all means, but try not to lie to yourself. Or Yumi, for that matter. Though, if Yumi is as smart as you say she is, then she has probably already figured out why you went here when you could have had your choice of the nationals. But in the face of your love, just like Shiori, she just doesn't want to say it.

-That really hurts, saying something like that. What do you know about it anyway?

Sei whispers this, taking the wind out of Eriko's sails once again.

-Only what you tell me, Sei.

Sei's petulant sadness twists into a wry grin. They are quiet for a spell.

-Is it my fault, Eriko?

Sei eventually breaks the silence.

-In what way?

-Is there something wrong with me? My parents had no problem leaving me on my own. Shiori ran. I keep Shimako at arm's length. Am I overwhelming Yumi? Is that why she keeps Sachiko so close? Sometimes, I think I am too much, at others, that I am not enough.

Eriko considers Sei's words. She takes her time, because it would be so easy to give Sei a pat answer and leave it at that. But Sei deserves better. She always did.

-Sei, I think it comes back to the same thing. Trust. This is just my opinion, so don't get angry with me. You don't trust yourself. You talk fast and act confident, as if at some point, _you_ might start to believe it. Sei…

Sei meets her gaze and her eyes are almost wet. Eriko feels something clench in her stomach. Tears. _Please, don't cry, Sei. _Summoning all of her calmness, Eriko says what she knows for definite.

-So many people love you Sei. So many care about you. Take Youko for instance. She bent over backwards for you, to help you when you were having a tough time. She didn't have to care at all, but she did. You are known and liked here, by a lot of people I can see, who never knew you until a few months ago. Yumi, whom I am coming to view in a different light, is in love with you, regardless of her bond with Sachiko. And Sachiko respected you enough to talk to you about all of this. And one day, when you grow that spine I was talking about, and ask Yumi to choose, I don't think you need to worry about who she would pick.

-And you?

Eriko picks up the lighter tone in Sei's voice, and disguises a sigh of relief. In the last few hours, she discovered something rather interesting: she really likes Sei. And she wants her to be ok. Sei, who's mood can spin on a yen, is back to being herself. Eriko feels herself come back also, and can stop all of this soppy nonsense.

-I sometimes like you.

-Sometimes?

-Occasionally, you are not so annoying.

Sei starts laughing. It is real and good to hear. Eriko joins her.

-Someday, you will have to admit your attraction to me. It's ok, I'll understand. I'll be very gentle with you.

Sei is back to teasing her, and that feels even better.

-Do I look like Youko?

Eriko pushes back, and Sei makes an _ouch_ face.

-At least you'd be easier on the eye, dekochin.

-At least Youko and I look Japanese.

-Which of your brothers is going to father your child? Or do you even know?

And so on and they are back to where they began, years and years ago, as if nothing has changed. They talk and make fun of each other as the afternoon stretches on, their strange friendship confirmed, but deepened into something new. While they play at hating each other at the moment, this day has changed Eriko's view on Sei. She will never think of her the same. Sei eventually looks at her watch. It looks new.

-Fancy watch. Last time you had one with anime characters on it.

-Sachiko.

Ah. It looks expensive. So Sachiko is buying gifts for Sei? How curious. Eriko declines to comment on it, because as Sei points out, she has to go now if she is to catch Rei at the dojo. They stand up, and Sei offers Eriko her arm. Eriko accepts, and they leave the cafeteria and head out into the late spring afternoon. Sei comes with her to the high school, saying that it has been a while since she saw Yumi. Eriko, feeling light and strangely happy, asks Sei if she plans to be indiscreet again on school grounds. Sei pretends thoughtfulness, and eventually informs her that all this chatting has made her nostalgic, so she may just do that. She is leading them behind the college library, and taking a short cut that should bring them out near the Rose Mansion. Eriko asks her if she is serious, and Sei winks at her. But Yumi, Eriko begins, concerned for the junior's reputation, which makes Sei laugh. Yumi will race her to the greenhouse is Sei's response. Once again, Eriko is made to look at Yumi differently. She shakes her head and nudges Sei. Sei just smiles down at her. Eriko checks the time again, and sees she still has a small while. They are heading toward the Rose Mansion, and she is going to break off and go to the dojo. She is really looking forward to seeing Rei. They stop at the split in the path. She turns to Sei.

-I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. It was never my intention.

Eriko hopes the sincerity in her heart reaches Sei.

-Aw, Eriko, if you weren't right, it wouldn't hurt so much.

-Am I right?

-A little from column A and a little from column B.

-And are you really just going to leave it? Are you really not going to act?

Sei runs her fingers through her newly shortened hair, making it stick up in spikes, which only serves to make her look even more attractive. She really does not have to do much with herself, and Eriko knows what Yumi's reaction is going to be when she sees her.

-Not yet. It might be cowardly, but I'm going to give it some more time. Maybe by the time Sachiko graduates and gets married it will sort itself out.

Eriko thinks _ever the optimist, Sei_, but she manages to clamp down on it. It sounds all wrong to leave it that long. This is something she would want Youko to deal with, but she would not set the meddler on Sei unless she had a better reason. Her fear is that Sei will watch her relationship unravel before her eyes, and do nothing about it. She will distract herself, with Katou-san or with college, and then before she knows it, Yumi will leave, or she will do something to drive Yumi away, or worse, Yumi will take up with Sachiko, whether she marries or not, becoming something as prosaic as a mistress. It is irritating, to stand here, and listen to Sei again push the good things in her life away from her. She should fight for them.

-Ever think about proposing to Yumi?

Shock registers on Sei's face, and Eriko finds it hard not to snicker at it. It makes the very cool Satou Sei look goofy.

-What!

Sei splutters and starts to pull away from Eriko. Eriko holds onto her, though.

-Seriously. I know women can't legally marry each other in this country. But perhaps just asking her would be enough. A statement of your intent, you might say. If you're worried about which way Yumi is going to go with this decision you're placing so much hope on, which is something you never even discussed with her, tilt the odds in your favour.

-You have marriage on the brain.

-You're right. I do. It was the most serious declaration of love I could think of. As in 'I'm so in love with you, I want to be bound to you for life'. Because talk is cheap Sei, it's our actions that make the real difference. Do you feel that way about Yumi? Have you thought about what comes next?

Sei will not look at Eriko. She knows that Sei has not thought about it, or if she has, she has spun some bleak ending for it. Again, Eriko is struck by how damaged Sei is in some ways. That only the people who knew her took her heartbreak seriously were her friends in Lillian, that what she went through would not be recognised outside of their little world, seen as an adolescent trifle that will be put aside as soon as she graduates. Perhaps she will even realise that her feelings for other girls are but a phase, and that she should hurry up and start dating men, and have a real life. And not for the first time, Eriko wonders if Sei should be taking anti-depressants. If her parents refused to recognise that their daughter was painfully depressed, and had been long before there was ever a Shiori, what could have her friends have done? They were kids themselves. Youko did the only thing she could think of. She distracted her. And Eriko left her alone. She does not know what Sei's Onee-sama did for her, but she could imagine it was kind.

-What do you want, Sei?

-I don't know. It's like I'm waiting for our lives to start. She doesn't finish high school for another two years, and she has college to think about. I'm waiting for the next road marker that says: you're here now, go ahead and do it. I think I'm using Sachiko's marriage for that, and that will change her relationship with Yumi, maybe they can outgrow each other. If I was a man, I think I would have asked her, or done something that Sachiko could not compete with. Something definite. At least you _can_ get married. It's a clear indicator that your life with Dinosaur Man officially begins.

-You're wrong, you know.

-About what?

-My life with Din-_Yamanobe_ began the moment we spoke. Wait, don't laugh. Officially, for me, that was when my life with him began. If I never marry him, I don't care. As long as I'm with him, I don't care. The marriage puts a stamp on it for our families, _but I don't care._

Eriko tugs on Sei's arm again, pulling the taller woman's attention back to her.

-Perhaps you should ask her anyway, even if you can never make it happen. Signify your intent, for the both of you. But only if you mean it.

-Do you know what's weird?

-Of course I don't.

-Around the time I got the apartment, I made the assumption that Yumi would be spending lots of time there. It was the right assumption, but she joked that one day I would have to make an honest woman of her.

-Sei.

-Yeah?

-Baka. Do you think she would say something like that to Sachiko? You should ask her about it Sei.

Eriko leans up and into Sei, kissing her on the cheek, surprising the both of them.

-I'm off to see Rei. You have my number, so don't be afraid to use it.

-See you in a few weeks? The house warming?

-Wouldn't miss it.

Eriko lets go of Sei, and stands back. Sei just grins at her, and they wave at each other and part ways. Eriko hurries toward the dojo, hoping she can watch Rei for a while. One of Eriko's secrets. She gets to the dojo, and hears that the Kendo team are still there. Rei is captain this year, and she can hear her commanding voice ring out. She goes to the door, which is open slightly to allow some of the spring afternoon in, and she peeks in. There is Rei, head and shoulders above everybody else. Standing tall and proud, her floppy fringed boy cut as charming as ever, but her expression is not soft. Rei is about her business, her eyes focussed and hard. Every line of her body shouts: whose house? Rei's house! Eriko laughs to herself. She is very happy to have Rei as her petite soeur, even if she does not call her that anymore and sincerely hopes that Rei will continue to want to know her too. She steps back from the door, not wanting to distract Rei, and sits on the steps, listening to Rei's voice.

She is sitting on the steps where in her second year of high school she sat in Rei's arms. Rei who did not cry or make a scene. Now Rei is a third year student. Captain of the Kendo team and Rosa Foetida. Yoshino for the most part, is all better, and Rei is making real, concrete steps toward forming her own life. To being Hasekura Rei. Eriko feels the sentimentality of that thought and snorts at it, not really caring. It is her head; she can do what she likes in it. She also feels excitement at the thought of watching Rei grow even more. She is looking forward to the rest of Rei's life. Thinking about that now, after her conversation with Sei, she thinks about the nature of love. While Rei and she could never have been lovers, nor is that something that could happen in the future, there is a connection there that is not so far removed from the idea.

Eriko thinks about Yamanobe. How much she loves to look at him and listen to his voice. Loves to listen to him explain something. In that respect, Yamanobe is not entirely unlike Rei. Yamanobe is physically captivating, just like Rei, and just like Rei, in his element, he is beautiful. She feels a spark of excitement in her, low in her belly, when she looks at him, when she thinks of him. Sitting here on the steps of her old high school's dojo, she feels desire, pure and sudden flash through her. She can deal with meeting his daughter. She will do as Katou-san suggested. Be patient, take her time, be herself. She can overcome anything if it is for him, because he gives her reason. Her stops her from floating aimlessly, gives her purpose. She thinks of the feel of his stubble against her cheek and the size of his body when he comes close to her. She sighs. He is nowhere near as dependable as Rei, though. She huffs a laugh. Rei is dependable and loyal. But just like Yamanobe, she is thoughtful and sweet, soft.

Eriko wonders why she is comparing them. Was Sei right? Was Eriko practicing with Rei? Her brothers and father posed no challenge to her growing up, and being the youngest and only girl she was spoiled. She knows that. They tried to coddle and protect her. They love her and they always want to spend time with their strange sister. Eriko is grateful for them, but she understood men from an early age because of them. So was Rei, as not a member of her family, practice for a boyfriend? Eriko always went to a single sex school, and her only real interaction with members of the opposite sex came via her family, which does not really count when it comes to dating. So was Rei, tall, broad-shouldered Rei, handsome, charismatic Rei, with her short hair and low voice, just that? Maybe Sei was right. Eriko is self-aware enough to know one of the reasons she was drawn to Rei is that she really does look like a boy, like she stepped out of a shonen manga that her brothers are so fond of. But it was Rei's more feminine attributes, her stereotypical girlie hobbies, that kept her interested. The stark difference between public and private Rei. The best of both worlds, it may be said.

Eriko thinks about the two of them being women. When she thinks about it at all, Eriko would have to say she likes being a woman. Likes her life as a woman. She sometimes thinks, watching her brothers and her father, that life as a man was fundamentally harder. Of course, she is in good circumstances. She has enjoyed the protection of a good and moneyed family, the social status it afforded her. To be a woman in these circumstances is perhaps not so hard. She thinks of Sachiko, who is a few rungs above her socially, and thinks that her life is not as easy. She has a lot of expectations and a lot of people watching her. To say poor little rich girl would be harsh, even for Eriko, but if ever there was a case of it, she sat in the Rose Mansion for two years with it. And her life would be very different if she was a few rungs lower than she is now. She is staunch upper middle class, to be sure, but any lower, and she would not have come to this school. Her mother would not have come to this school. She may not have even heard of it.

She never would have become a member of the Yamayurikai, never would have met Rei, or Sei or Youko. Probably would have not have been able to attend the college she is in now. Probably never would have met Yamanobe. It was pure accident of birth that allows her to sit on these steps now and have these thoughts that the biggest worry in her life is whether or not she was practicing with another girl, or if the man she loves daughter will like her. She hears Rei call out the end of practice, and Eriko decides that she does not care. She is here, and she does, thankfully have all these people in her life, that she has the life she does. She gets up from the steps so she can catch Rei's eye before she hits the showers to let her know that she is here. Eriko likes to be around Rei when she has just finished practice, or a match, and she has never missed one of Rei's matches. She will be sweaty and still in the 'zone', her eyes sharp and alive, and she will be divinely Rei. Another one of Eriko's secrets. She slips off her shoes and goes into the dojo. Rei notices her right away and strides toward her. When she gets to her she bows low and when she comes back up, she is smiling and clearly very happy to see Eriko. She is about to speak, but Eriko puts her fingers against Rei's lips. She steps back through the door and motions for Rei to follow her.

Eriko steps through the door, and backs up until they are hidden from view of the girls still present and cleaning the dojo. She holds out her hand to Rei and Rei takes it. Eriko pulls Rei to her and puts her arms around her neck, Rei instinctively encircling Eriko's waist with her own. Eriko rests her face on Rei's shoulder and thinks about the differences between Rei and Yamanobe. Rei's body is softer, but not by much. There is of course the unmistakable feel of Rei's breasts, even under her gi, pressing at Eriko's own. The light smell of her body, also very different from Yamanobe. But the solidity of Rei is not different from Yamanobe. She is also around the same height. After her conversation with Sei, Eriko is left with a few questions of her own. These were things she did not want to get into with Sei. Sei, who seems comfortable with her sexuality, would seem ideal. She knows what she likes, the same as Eriko, but Rei had been the stick to beat her with for years, so she just couldn't bring her up and hope to have a serious conversation about it. She would be suspicious of every word that came out of Sei, and would lose the thread of it. Maybe they could have it in a few years, when they are longer out of their particular roles.

And the biggest difference of all between Rei and Yamanobe is one is a woman and one is a man. But was it just Yamanobe's masculinity that attracted her? She thinks that it was not. There is a gentleness that shines from him. It felt familiar. Now she knows why it was familiar. It is Rei's brand of gentleness. Yamanobe is more like Rei than she thought, being held by Rei now. She moulds her body to Rei, which is something she has never done before. _I get it now_, she thinks. _You were my first love, Rei_. She does not say this, however.

-I missed you Rei.

Is what she says instead. She feels rather than hears Rei laugh, who is used to her strange Onee-sama, even if she does not call her that anymore. They have talked and mailed, but they have not seen each other in a few months, and Eriko is slightly appalled by her clinginess. But then, she just realised something quite important, so she forgives herself.

-I missed you too, Eriko.

These deep, inexplicable relationships that lead them to the people that they become. Some, like Sei, know that there are no rules about who one can love, but others, like Eriko, who will never act on the love in her heart for another woman. She will never talk about it, and rarely think about it. Because, for Eriko, this is enough. She is not driven for more. Her future includes Rei, but it will never be made up of Rei. Perhaps if Rei had been a man, she wonders with the smell of Rei's sweat in her nose, the feel of Rei's strong arms around her waist, would they be together? Would her future be made up of Rei? Is it as simple as that? She thinks of Yamanobe, the pervasiveness of his presence in her life, thinking that he is the one she wants, the body she wants to sleep next to, the man she wants to make love to, have children of her own with. Even if Rei miraculously turned into a man, Yamanobe is Yamanobe and Rei is Rei.

Rei is very special to her, and she thinks of what Rosa Chinensis en bouton said to her (was it really that long ago?) that love comes in many forms. _I love you Rei. I loved you the moment I saw you, but I can never say it, because words can never convey exactly what I mean by that_. Which is why Eriko rarely uses words with Rei. And Rei seems to have understood. Words fall short to explain the more complex feelings one human can have for another. Eriko has not said 'I love you' to Yamanobe either, at least, not yet. She wonders if she ever will. The emotions she has are too huge for ridiculous words like love. Because Yamanobe, like Rei, was a huge surprise for Eriko and she is still adjusting. She does not regret her actions with either of them. Even if she made mistakes, and she will make more, there is no point in holding onto what cannot be changed. She is who she is because of what came before, that without meeting Rei, she may not feel what she does for Yamanobe. What counts is the now, and the next now, creating history, not dwelling on it.

Rei does not question her clinginess. She accepts Eriko, never asked much of her, but appreciated her in many ways. Eriko sighs and disentangles herself from Rei. Leaving her hands on her shoulders, she steps back from her petite soeur, searching her face, checking once again that Rei is physically sound_. I will never know a love like this again_, she thinks, taking in the light sheen of sweat on Rei's face and neck, her clear eyes and beautiful smile as she indulges Eriko's behaviour. _I will never know something so absolute again_. The solidity of Rei, the loyalty, the love of Rei who remembers her favourite things.

-Would you like to go for tea, Rei?

-Thank you, Eriko, I'd love to. Give me twenty?

-Take your time.

Eriko releases Rei, who sketches a quick bow before disappearing into the dojo again. Slipping her shoes back on, Eriko turns and walks down the steps, and looks at the flowers and weeds growing at random points and patches. The environment club have been a little lax, she thinks with some amusement. She likes to see them, however. Wildflowers are Eriko's favourite kind, and has always thought that a weed is but a misplaced flower.

Fin.


	10. Maps

7. One's Times

9. Maps

Youko starts smiling as soon as she sees Sei in the crowd. Sei has not seen her yet so Youko can take a moment to look at her. She sees Sei check her phone, yet she does not look impatient. At twenty-two, beginning her fourth year of college, Sei is a fine looking woman. Her western features, mixing exquisitely with her Japanese parentage, her fair hair and tall stature; she looks like she stepped out of the pages of a manga. It reminds Youko of something that she will be sure to tease Sei about in a while. Of all the Yamayurikai, Sei was probably the most down to earth, not putting much stock in being a student council officer, knowing she ended up as one because another girl found her so interesting that she had to have her. Yet, at her Onee-sama's request, she ran for the position in her second year, and Youko does not think Sei regrets it. If she did, she never said. Sei looks much like she did in high school, except wearing jeans and a jumper, and Youko feels her heart stutter in her chest. She pushes the feeling away, not enjoying it. She sighs. It seems her little crush on Sei is still alive somewhere.

It is not something she thinks about. When she meets up with Sei, or gets an email or a call, she does not think about it even then. Only sometimes, it appears that she is in the mood to be nostalgic and is caught off guard by her emotions, which sometimes happens when she thinks of her time in Lillian she will think that once upon a time, when Youko first came to Lillian, when she was sixteen, she met Satou Sei. She met the rude and abrasive and mysterious Satou Sei, and got her first crush. She laughs gently at this and stops close to Sei, who is leaning against a lamppost and letting the crowd break around her. Her hair has grown out to nearly the same length it was in high school, which is why she looks so familiar again. Youko imagines that this might be down to Yumi. Yumi often made mention of Sei's experimental haircuts, and Youko has seen some incarnations of her cuts, which apparently had something to do with a neighbour, so Sei probably started growing it again for some peace. A cloud passes over Youko's mind as she thinks of Sei and Yumi. They had a bit of an upset a while ago and she only knows because Sachiko told her a few days ago. She only knows the situation from Sachiko's point of view, but what her petite soeur confided in her was quite startling.

So now Youko knows why Sachiko and Yumi so not see each other much, and Yumi does not go to Sachiko's house any more. And again, she knows from Sachiko that she and Sei had words that left them very delicate with each other. That was last summer, but things are still very strained between them. Youko can understand that. Sei is still with Yumi, who is now beginning her second year of Todai. Unlike other people, Youko was not surprised by Yumi getting in on her first try. She remembers the phone call from Sei, who despite spending so much time with Yumi did not know she had applied to go there. No one did, which Youko has learned is quite typical of Yumi, who keeps a lot to herself. Which is probably what led to their troubles. So Sei was very surprised and proud of Yumi when she called. Youko felt the same pride, but she was definitely not surprised. Yumi, when determined, is capable of almost anything. That is probably the most surprising thing about her. Youko had rang her then to congratulate her, and recognise the amount of hard work that went into her accomplishment. She remembers that Yumi said she was very tired now that she knew she was in, and just wanted to go to sleep. They had laughed over the idea that Yumi wanted to sleep in celebration. The whole Yamayurikai had met up a week later, which was their tradition, to celebrate this crop of them getting into college, and for the older members to say goodbye to Shimako, who would leave for England that September.

Looking at Sei, she cannot just heap blame on Yumi. Here is another one who is very secretive. She wonders how the two of them managed to make a relationship, but then who is she to judge? Youko fully intends to poke at Sei about it until she tells her what happened. She knows that Sei is probably already aware that this is coming, just not when. Hopefully, she can stay long enough to talk to Yumi too, and see if she is ok, and yes, she is wildly curious about what Sachiko told her. It amazes her all that happened between them. Now she is standing beside Sei who looks cold in just a jumper. It is March and it is still quite chilly yet. Youko herself is bundled up in a cashmere number, under which are layers of other clothing. She hates to be cold. She reaches out and taps Sei on the shoulder. Sei turns quickly, looking surprised and then happy and she immediately hugs Youko. Youko loves and hates this. She is still so conflicted after all this time. Then, she has always been so concerning Sei, the poster child for teenage angst. Except Sei is not so angsty anymore. As Sei releases her and steps back, Youko can see it. Something has clicked into place for Sei. Only someone who knows Sei well, someone, Youko for instance, would notice this change in Sei's overall bearing. Something clicks into place, or rather shut, for Youko too, looking at Sei's happy handsome face, her grey eyes showing her pleasure at seeing Youko.

The one tiny chance, the chance in a million, that anyone who has ever carried a torch for another, no matter how small the flame, knows about. The one miniscule hope that Sei may want her, that Sei may feel something other than friendship for her. Youko knows too that she was cautious about revealing her feelings because there never seemed to be the right time. First year, and Sei never wanted to talk to anyone, let alone Youko. They were both picked to be petite soeurs of members of the Yamayurikai, and there was the excitement of that and being launched into a whole new aspect of high school life. In their second year, there was Shiori. To say that Youko has strong feelings about that girl is an understatement. Though she can empathise, there are ways of going about things. It was Youko who caught Shiori leaving the train station that night, and she forced her to write a note for Sei, for Sei to have something to explain her standing her up. Shiori had been terribly upset, and Sei had been upset for upsetting Shiori. It was a mess. Sei had been warned, but Sei can be obsessive. She remembers Sei turning seventeen, and feeling glad that Shiori was gone, but never revealing it, because again, her feelings were very conflicted on the matter. She felt bad for both Sei and Shiori, but glad that Sei would be back in the fold, so to speak. So selfish!

And then in her third year, there was Yumi. Yumi of all people. Talk about a guerrilla attack. Nobody saw that coming, including Yumi and Sei, but then, who can account for people? They mingle and jibe together, learning the difficult steps of a complicated dance, and who can say what way it may end up? And through everything, then or since, Sei never expressed anything other than friendship, or occasional annoyance, toward Youko. Sei, the big flirt, had never flirted with Youko. Teased, annoyed, exasperated, played tricks on, but never that kind of attention. Youko has no idea how she would have dealt with it if Sei had been like that, but she doubts she would have answered it in a way that would have let Sei know that Youko liked her. All because Youko had never taken her crush that seriously, that even within herself she hid it. She was surrounded by girls all day long, six days a week, so it was not so surprising she would develop a crush on one or more of them. And she was used to other girls expressing their interest in her. The notes and gifts in her locker, and even sometimes given to her in person. Again, Youko did not take it seriously. Part of her admired them for acting on their feelings, the bravery it took to approach the object of their desire, whatever convoluted way that desire filtered through their adolescent brains. She knew Sei had to deal with something similar, except on a larger scale, especially in her third year. Yumi's year were quite different in that respect, and were never shy about expressing their admiration for a senior. She laughs suddenly.

-What?

Sei asks, automatically laughing too, laughing just because Youko is, which gladdens Youko is some small secret part of her.

-I was thinking of what the manga club gave you before you left.

-Oh yeah! I still have that.

-Captain Satou of the SS Heartbreaker.

The SS part had been a nod to Sei's western heritage. They laugh like the teenagers they were. Youko remembers Sei coming to the Rose Mansion with the manga, her grin at full wattage. Eriko was the only one not there, or she would have had some very choice things to say, and Youko was sorry she was not there, because she would have loved to have known what those choice things would have been. Sei explained that the manga club had given her a goodbye gift. It was a source of continuous delight for Sei that she was so popular with the first years, who honestly did not know what to do with this incarnation of Rosa Gigantea. Her own classmates hardly knew what to do with her. She was not Sachiko popular, because Sachiko was a cool beauty who was better admired from afar, easily put on a pedestal and made into anything, the star, the darling of Lillian, but Sei was all flesh and blood, edgy and kind at the same time. She was admired and wanted because she was so present, but at the same time, so unpredictable. It made her fun and slightly frightening to those who knew her, but it was a magic combination that had girls tripping over themselves to be around her. And she never got tired of chocolate. Youko thinks now that in Sei's third year, she finally started paying attention to what was going on around her, and the effect she had just by being Satou Sei. Of course, by the time Sei got to her third year, more of the real Sei had come out, the Sei that Yumi seems able to evoke. Yumi and nobody else.

That manga. She remembers Yumi reading it, and Sei looking a little nervous, her grin faltering a little. Yumi's only comment during her perusal was that Sei's boobs are not that big. There had been a shocked silence and then Youko started to laugh, laughed until her belly hurt. The room disintegrated into infantile laughter, while Yumi hid her face behind the manga. Yumi had called Sei 'Captain Satou' for a while after that, much to Youko's amusement, and it never failed to make her laugh. But this was typical of the type of gifts Sei inspired. Some of the clubs, who had dealt with Sei on an on-going basis during her tenure as a Yamayurikai officer, had somehow made friends with her. Manga club, invention club, anime appreciation club, literature club, those and more, came under Rosa Gigantea's yearly review. This was the way it fell in the Yamayurikai, each rose family covered certain aspects of the clubs, of which there were many, to deal directly with them for their accounts and requirements. The white rose family seemed to grabbed the more interesting ones early on, long before Youko's time. But Sei was on first name basis with her clubs, and even spent some of her off time with them. She never joined any, but being Yamayurikai, she had no time to anyway, but Youko doubts she would have in any case.

-Does Yumi still call you that?

She asks Sei, catching her breath.

-Occasionally, when I'm doing something to annoy her.

-When is that?

-When I think she's studying too hard and I want her to take a break, or if I'm bored. She's a workaholic and she has to be dragged away from her books sometimes. If I'm very persistent, she tells me to hop on my ship and…well, then she uses a very explicit expression that she must have picked up from some rougher elements.

Youko starts laughing again. Sei links arms with her and asks her if she wants to go back to the apartment. Yumi will be home later, so she can catch up with her as well. Youko readily agrees, but insists that they go shopping so she can cook dinner for them. They good naturedly bicker about that for a while and Youko thinks about how much she has missed this. When Youko moved to college, she missed Sei and Eriko, her two best friends, friends from a time in one's life where they are the most important people in one's life; the ones one wants to spend the most time with, even if she wanted to kill them sometimes. Sei and Eriko's arguing and weirdly flirtatious behaviour that passed for conversation between them, and how they would pick the oddest times to kick off, embarrassing her. She missed going to school with the pair of them. The conversations, the work they did together, the late nights on their birthdays. Even now, when Youko gets up in the morning, and begins her commute, she sometimes still expects to see their faces. So deeply ingrained in her is Lillian, that some mornings she wakes up, still groggy, and looks around in surprise, wondering where her uniform is. She thinks about seeing Sachiko on her way to the Rose Mansion, her beautiful and stifled petite soeur. And then she remembers that was three years ago, three years since she last walked the avenue of Lillian high school, seeing Sachiko, who by that stage, was waiting for Yumi, saw Sei in her uniform, somehow always managing to wear it in an almost outlaw fashion, seeing Eriko, who tied the knot of her sailor collar in a very particular way. She sometimes wishes they all went to Lillian College together. But they could not do that. They all had things to do and lives to get on with. This does not prevent her from missing them, or wishing she could have prolonged her time with them.

Sei takes her to a local supermarket and grabs a trolley then they wander down the aisles together. Youko has a brief fantasy that if they lived together this is what they would do. This is most certainly what Yumi and Sei do when they have time. She imagines that this is something they like doing together. She looks over at Sei who is familiar with the lay out of the shop, and once Youko decides on what she wants to cook, Sei leads the way. One of the shop assistants stops to say hello to Sei, and ask after Yumi. That answers that question, they come here often enough to be known, thinks Youko, picking up a packet of curry powder. They move on and gather all they need, Youko insisting on paying when they get to the checkout. Sei packs up the purchases.

-Yumi will be very happy, both to see you and eat something other than my cooking.

-Have you not gotten any better?

-Not really. We're very reliant on Yumi not being too tired to do it. I remain, however, as adventurous in my culinary pursuits as ever. With varying degrees of success.

-Well, at least it's never boring.

Sei laughs and agrees, adding she doubts Yumi cares about the entertainment value as long as it is edible, but she greets every experiment with a level of appreciation they do not really deserve. Sei further adds that perhaps she would rather eat Sei's experiments than have to cook herself. Or perhaps she just loves Sei, is Youko's comment. Perhaps she does, Sei says, smiling. She grabs the bags by their handles and they leave the supermarket. They are only a few minutes' walk from the apartment. Youko has not been here since the housewarming, which was a long time ago. She usually meets Sei for dinner or a drink, sometimes alone, or sometimes with Yumi, or others of their mutual or exclusive acquaintance. They get into the lift, chatting about this and that, filling each other in on what has been happening with them in the few months since they saw each other. When they get out of the lift and get to Sei's door, Youko takes the bags, while Sei searches for her keys. She finally locates them in a pocket she already searched in, opens the door and gestures for Youko to precede her. The first thing she notices is that they have redecorated. The walls are now painted a dusky pink, that is warm and comforting, a friendly and welcoming colour. She slips off her shoes and enters the apartment proper. She sees that the furniture has been updated, but the table they study on is the same one, with the mismatched chairs at either end, crowded with their books and stationary. She sees more bookshelves have been acquired also, not surprising, as they are both voracious readers.

Youko immediately likes the apartment. Sei is thumbing through a pile of mail on the table in the hall, and directs Youko to the kitchen to put down the bags. Youko smiles when she sees the pictures held to the door of the fridge with magnets, noticing a couple of herself in the mix. Looking out from the kitchen she sees lots of pictures all around the apartment, framed and otherwise, stuck on walls, or up on the bookshelves, mostly people she knows, quite a few she does not. The apartment looks very settled. A home. Something clicks shut in her again. Sei joins her in the kitchen, putting away items as Youko takes them out of the bags. Then Sei shoos her out, and sets about the business of making tea. People can insult Sei all they like about her cooking skills, but when it comes to tea, Sei is a modern master and is proud of the fact. Youko finds it curious that Sei would like it, and takes on the appearance of an alchemist when doing it. She has a large and growing collection of tea, and often requests it of her friends who are travelling somewhere. Apparently, Sei was schooled in tea ceremony when she was quite young, middle-school young, and for one reason or another she loved it. She dispenses with all the pomp of the ceremony itself, of course, but the idea of blending and creating seemed to have made an impression on her. Youko suspects that Sei missed the point of the ceremony, and just really liked the tea.

She smiles as she watches Sei moving around her kitchen. Many times over the years they were in high school, Youko had often been to Sei's house, or rather, Sei's parents house while they still lived in Tokyo. They were rarely there, now that Youko thinks about it. In three years, she met them maybe half a dozen times. They had a large house in an affluent neighbourhood, with their only daughter left rattling around in it. They put money in her bank account, they bought her a car, they then bought her the apartment she requested, and now they have completely left her alone, except for the monthly movements of money. She knows that Sei does not hate her parents, but she also knows that Sei was frequently lonely for them. She does not speak of them much, and seems to think of them now as sort of benign relations, but not her parents, not how a child should think of their parents. Unfortunately, Sei was not alone in this particular treatment, as it was quite common in their high school, both parents working, or fathers transferring, of only children being left to cope on their own while their parents provided for them. Sei's situation was rather extreme, however, but her thoughts on her parents now are not so extreme, considering the circumstances. When Youko used to go to Sei's house she always thought about how lonely the place was. Sei kept it neat and clean, but it was unlived in. It accounted for Sei's personality, at least at the start of their friendship.

But looking at Sei now, she looks in her place. She is humming and making tea, and she is king of her castle. Youko sits in the big comfy armchair and feels the warmth of the small apartment. She looks around at the accoutrements of their living space. There is a large TV with a wii console and Youko has no problems seeing them playing virtual tennis, probably trying to cheat. She looks over at the crammed table at the far window, and it does not take much imagination to put them there, studying. And there is the door to their bedroom, where it is even easier to imagine them sleeping together. Youko puts the breaks on that thought. Tea is served, which helps to distract Youko. It is mid-morning on a Saturday. They have a break before the new term begins. So does Yumi, but she has decided to take advantage of a quiet library in Komaba campus, according to Sei.

-She's taking this very seriously.

Youko says, feeling slightly worried.

-She has from the start. This is her last year before she finalises her degree choice, and she wants to be in pole position, as it were.

-Has she told you what she wants to do?

-Yeah, this time. Political science for some ungodly reason. When she showed me the literature for it, I started yawning. I thought she would pick something more fun, or general, but no, political science.

Youko raises an eyebrow at this. Sei takes note and smiles, clearly thinking about Yumi, who is a presence between them.

-She told me a long time ago that she wanted to be a teacher.

-Oh, she still does, but I have a feeling that there's more to it.

Youko gestures for Sei to go on when she falls quiet.

-Just some things that she says. She talks a lot about social policy and constitutional rights, and how Japan could learn from other countries, that sort of thing. She says everybody pays taxes, but not all people are treated equally, even though they're paying for it. She gets all wound up about the Koreans, for instance. I sound a bit dismissive when I hear myself talk about it, but it matters a great deal to her. I just can't make the point as eloquently as Yumi, who is genuinely passionate about it. Now, if you wished to discourse on the thematic confluences of Jack Kerouac's On the Road, I'm your woman.

Youko is quietly amazed by what Sei says. She wonders what Yumi is up to. That girl keeps on being a surprise. She demurs on asking Sei about the thematic confluences on anything. They chat for a little while on why Youko would not ask about thematic confluences. Then a lull falls between them. Youko looks over at Sei to see her thoughtful face.

-What is it? What could be causing that face?

She takes a light tone with Sei, just in case it is serious. She knows a lot about her friend and Yumi and Sachiko, and she will get into it. So like the good little lawyer she is training to be, she pokes about in the conversation for anything that may give her an in. Then Sei hands it to her, all gift wrapped and addressed to her.

-I asked Yumi to marry me again.

Of course, this is said in a manner that implies that Youko knew that Sei asked Yumi to marry her a first time. Sei can be very absent minded about her past conversations, assuming that the other knows what she is talking about, when she has never mentioned the like. Youko feels a bit breathless.

-Again? And what did she say?

She has not quiet gotten her breath back, and she is dying to know. She is happy that Sei feels so strongly about Yumi that she would ask her to marry her, however number of times. And after their troubles, her feelings have not changed toward her little sister and they are at this point. And here comes the conflict, her old friend. This really is the last nail in the coffin of her feelings for Sei. The first was Shiori. The intensity of Sei's feelings for that girl was frightening, but in a way it was also exciting to be around. In that way, it fuelled Youko's crush, because now she knew something about Sei, but the pragmatic part of her also knew that it would never be for her, knew it like she knew the colour of her eyes. That passion and need Sei showed for the younger Shiori was astounding to witness. And it was just that for Youko. Something for her to see, not experience. The second was Shimako. With Shimako, Youko discovered something else about Sei. She appeared to have a type, and that type was not Youko. She also found out, that with enough reason, Sei had iron clad control over her emotions. And the third, which turned the previous two observations on their head, was Yumi, her own grand soeur.

Yumi is nothing like Shiori or Shimako. And with Yumi, Sei abandoned all semblance of control. Unique and cute little Yumi. Yumi with a head full of secrets. From the moment she made her entrance into the Yamayurikai, Sei could not leave her alone, and Youko took advantage of that for her own reasons. Sei's full frontal assault worried her a little at the time, but she had to accept that was just Sei's way of doing things. And she felt safe in the knowledge that Yumi became Sachiko's petite soeur and that Sei had her own. And yet, Sei went out her way, above and beyond the call of duty it might be said, to spend time with Yumi, who had come to rely on Sei, or rather Rosa Gigantea, for emotional support. God knows, Sachiko was not the easiest person to get along with, so it was not surprising that Yumi found safe ground with Sei. Nor was it surprising that Sei would be happy to do her best with their newest member. She fast became fond of Yumi, genuinely, and she was not shy about expressing her liking for her, and this showed itself in teasing and glomping and causing some of the funniest reactions out of another girl that Youko had ever seen.

Youko believes at the early stages that Sei genuinely did not realise that her feelings for Yumi had become romantic. She thinks that Sei, who can be blind about herself, had probably not wanted to take the step later, when she found out that particular piece of information about herself, that would lead them down another path. Sei had enough wherewithal to do that. After all, she had done so with Shimako, who carried a similar aura to Shiori, but all in all, was a very different person, and yet it would have been easy for Sei to change their relationship, make it into something else. She kept Shimako away from her, and they developed an unusual but functioning friendship. Youko remembers how fast Sei and Yumi moved, once they realised their feelings for each other. It took a week. One week, and Sachiko was all up in the air and Youko's heart broke. She hid it well, because there was enough drama going on. But she remembers Yumi asking her permission to love Sei, and Youko was quite flabbergasted by it. Then she realised that Yumi had been the one to take Sei's hand and begin their journey down this path. She also remembers that within that week, Yumi bit the bullet to tell Sachiko that she and Sei were involved. And they continued their relationship beyond high school, and have gotten to this point, where Sei feels sufficiently secure enough to propose to Yumi. Again.

Of course, in this country, at this time, it is a token gesture, but surely no less serious even so. Just asking is huge. Youko wonders if anyone will ever ask her that question. There is certainly no one in her life at the moment where it is a possibility. She wonders if she would ever feel so strongly about another person that she herself would ask that question. She thinks of Eriko and of her impromptu proposal to Yamanobe-san, that sounded more threatening that romantic, and yet in an odd way, it was very sweet and refreshing in the directness of it. The certainty and fierceness of Eriko stayed with Youko, as did the sight of seeing Eriko so emotional. And here it is again. Satou Sei has asked Fukuzawa Yumi to marry her, again it seems. Yumi, who has grown into one of the more interesting people that Youko knows. Yumi with the perfect camouflage went off in their lives like a bomb. It was not a bad thing, but she took Sei away. Youko feels awful when she recognises the patterns of her thoughts. As long as Sei was alone, despite Shimako, who was not a threat anyway, she felt confident of her place in Sei's life, as they had become very close friends. But when Yumi came, Sei drifted away, like she did when she met Shiori.

Yumi became the one to hear Sei's secret thoughts, to hear her funny rambling monologues, except…except Yumi could hear them from a closer vantage. She could hear the things that Sei never would say to anyone she was not being intimate with. Yumi was never afraid of Sei, was never fooled by Sei, loved her and wanted her and went after her. Probably because Sei never played her hide-and-seek games with Yumi. But then again, Youko only has a few details that give her a glimpse into the inner workings of Sei and Yumi. What she does know for certain is that things were not perfect between them, and that there were secrets, and that those secrets were serious ones. She looks over at Sei's thoughtful serious face, marvelling at the sheer physical presence of Sei. Her long body stretched out on the couch, looking relaxed and limber in the casual arrangement of her limbs, the western cast to her features making her stand out, even in her own living room, making her vivid and exotic and slightly unreal. Here they are. Sei is in love with somebody else and never thought of Youko in that way. This really is the fourth and final nail in Youko's little crush. _All gone_, she thinks, as the last lingering shred of it slips away. She does believe, honestly, that Sei made the right choice in Yumi. Stable, solid Yumi, who was not afraid of her feelings and loved Sei.

Youko had not known how fast their relationship had moved until Sachiko and Yumi had come to her for advice after Tsutako-san had caught Yumi and Sei being friendly by an open window of the Rose Mansion. She had not been angry at Yumi, though she thought Yumi at least would have been more discreet. It had taken the might of the entire Chinensis family to keep the incident under wraps, not to mention that Tsutako-san was a very good friend of Yumi's. It was Sei that Youko saved her anger for. She could understand Yumi giving into Sei. She could understand them feeling desperate coming up to Sei's graduation. She said as much to Yumi, and she said something similar to Sei when she finally caught up with her. But she remembers her shock too, that they were already at that stage. That they were having sex, as Sei admitted to her, when Youko finally found her, wanting to give her an earful, knowing it was too little too late, but she wanted Sei to understand that Yumi's reputation was on the line, not just as a Yamayurikai officer, but as just a girl with two years left of high school.

Sei had not seen it in that way. Of course she had not. She was so wrapped up in Yumi, and her new relationship with Yumi, that she forgot sometimes that there were other people around them, people with eyes in their heads, and mouths to talk with. They had been quite discreet up until the last month of Sei's life in high school. Youko was aware that Sei was calling Yumi out of class for 'very important Yamayurikai business', and that they were often missing together. But this was manageable, and much easier to explain away. Some of the Chinensis and Gigantea family had work that overlapped, so it would be acceptable to a degree for Yumi to work with Sei. To the extent they did? No, not at all. If anyone, it should have been Shimako. Also, until then, until Sei admitted they were having sex, and yes, that was often on school grounds because this is where they see each other, Youko did not think that they were doing it. She assumed that recognising their feelings for each other, they just wanted to spend time together, as people who fall in love are wont to do. She never paid attention to rumours, because in a school full of young women, what starts off as toast in the morning, becomes a chocolate chiffon cake with this season's strawberries and whipped cream by days end, so paying attention was pointless.

But that day she found out that there was something to the rumours, that they might have been seen by other people at some point. Probably not doing anything more than hugging, not in public, but finding that they had been sleeping together since November and that the night Yumi had requested Youko's permission to love Sei they had already had sex for the first time. Youko had been appalled by it. Yumi was only sixteen, and Sei as her senior, should have had the sense to slow things down, even if she was in love with her, not to let it get too out of hand. There was no hiding it from Sei how she felt about it. But Sei had been cautious with Yumi, and never would have forced her into an action she would later regret, or anything even approaching that. Sei cared deeply for Yumi, this much was obvious. And by the way, the action in question that caused Youko to be in the position of lecturing Sei was instigated by Yumi. Youko had paused at that, and found herself re-evaluating Yumi once again. And while they were on the subject, it was Yumi who confirmed their feelings first, by giving her first kiss to Sei on a Wednesday, and her virginity on a Thursday. So fast.

Sei had told her all of this on that day, as they sat near the meeting room building, the one used for visitors, and therefore was usually deserted. Only the Yamayurikai and security had keys for it. Sei had told her, because she obviously needed to tell somebody. But even then, especially when questioned about Sachiko's reaction to everything that had taken place, she had been cagy, and Youko knew there was more to this than met the eye, but Sei would keep her own council, and years later, it would be Sachiko who will tell Youko all that went on between the three of them, and that once again, it had been Yumi who was the instigator, but it was her seniors that allowed it. That Yumi. But here they are, and they are still together, despite the explosive start to their relationship. Despite the fact that Yumi had cheated on Sei. Despite the fact that Sei was almost involved with another woman, according to Sachiko. Despite the fact that they broke up for a while. Here they are, in an apartment that is full of them, that is blooming with them, their intermingled lives. And Sei popped the question.

-She said, why Satou-san, didn't you ask me that before? Have you already forgotten?

It was an excellent impression of Yumi. Youko laughs out loud at it and Sei smiles at her.

-I hadn't, of course, but that was before everything went to hell. I think I was suspicious of my reasons for asking her then. More like I thought by asking her to move in with me, I should ask her, or offer anyway. So this time, she said that, and then she said she already thought of us as married. Eriko was right.

-Eriko told you to propose?

-In a manner of speaking. This was around the time we started college, and she came to see me, and we got to talking about this and that, and she told me I should ask, but not until I really meant it. Eriko was right, because I didn't really mean it, not then anyway. I do this time. I really, really mean it. Like Yumi, I think of us as married, but I want something more. I don't know, I just think it would be nice to have it, with rings and all that jazz.

Sei is quiet for a moment, and there is a gentle smile playing around her full lips, and Youko can feel how big Sei's love is. She feels the extent of it.

-A while ago, I was looking at Yumi. Not unusual in itself, but that day, I was really looking at her. She was planting flowers out on the balcony.

Sei gestures over to the sliding doors behind the TV and Youko looks over to see an array of shoots beginning to brave the elements, getting ready for true spring in a month or two.

-She was having a good time, with the sun shining even though it was cold. It was a bright January day, and she was very intent on planting her precious bulbs, and she had somehow gotten mucky, as if she was in a field, not just planting flowers on a balcony in urban Tokyo. She was humming, and talking to the plants. I know, I know, but she's convinced it makes them grow better. So she was humming and chattering, sometimes to me, sometimes to the bulbs, and I suddenly thought: how wonderful.

Sei laughs, suddenly shy, looking at Youko through her lashes.

-Please stop me if I'm getting too soppy. Something about her brings it out in me.

-No, please go on. I'd love to hear this.

Youko means it. Of all the sides of Sei that Youko has seen, this is new and it fascinates her. Romantic Sei. Not the tragic poet, loner type romanticism Sei is capable of; this is ordinary, workaday romantic Sei, Sei who is very in love, and very happy. Youko is convinced more than ever, what fire does not burn, it hardens.

-I remember thinking, that this should be mine. Finally. I'm Yumi's everything. How do I say that to her? How do I say to Yumi, I'm so happy that you're here? That I'm here? That you're planting flowers on our balcony, and that I never thought I would be in this position to you, with all the things I know about you now, with all the things you know about me.

Sei laughs.

-Eriko asked me a question when we had that conversation. She asked me if I had thought about what comes next. Funny that I had that conversation with Eriko. But she had been right. I should grow a spine and ask what's next. If I had, perhaps I could have avoided the separation, but then, without it, Yumi and I would not be as close as we are now.

Youko is expecting to hear hurt feelings from Sei, or a memory of it in her voice. There is not. She is calm. For Sei, it is resolved, and she can get on with living her life with the woman she loves. Youko cannot believe that Eriko said such a thing to Sei. Then again, is Eriko one to pull her punches? Youko inwardly sighs. No, Eriko certainly is not.

-The what next, I presume, was Yumi giving up Sachiko.

Youko says. Sei looks at her.

-How much do you know about everything?

-Sachiko told me.

-Everything?

-Yes.

-And?

Sei is looking at her, expecting a lecture. Some habits die hard. She is expecting something that Youko would normally do. But Youko has nothing. She has no experience in this arena, and would hardly know where to begin. Even though she promised herself earlier that she would prod Sei until she gave her version of events, but after listening to her, she has nothing to offer. She would rather leave it alone now after listening to Sei. But Sei clearly wants to know what her best friend is thinking. So Youko thinks for a little while, pondering what she really thinks about the situation. She goes with how she felt during her conversation with Sachiko.

-When Sachiko told me about everything, and she told me because she misses Yumi, Sei, even though she promised to keep her distance, she still misses her. All I had to do was ask her why, and it all came flooding out of her. You two had each other, but Sachiko has been alone with this for a long time. She told no one how she was feeling, what she was going through, and how ashamed she felt. I was angry with her, for a number of reasons, even though I didn't say that to her. She was upset enough as it was. Then I was angry at Yumi, and then I was really angry with you. By the time I left her house, I started feeling sorry for Yumi.

Sei sighs at this, and Youko waves it away.

-I know, I know. But the thing is, nobody worried about Yumi, not really. Don't look at me that way. The two important women in her life, you and Sachiko, are such big personalities, so all encompassing, that she sort of got overlooked.

Various emotions flicker across Sei's face before she has a chance to hide them. Frustration, sadness, others. Then they are gone, as if they were never there.

-But we both love her, Youko. It really isn't that simple.

-It never is. But Yumi didn't want to lose either of you, so she got backed into a corner. She loves the both of you, just in different ways.

-Not that differently, as it turned out.

-Was Yumi always sleeping with Sachiko?

-What do you mean?

-Was Yumi having an affair, do you think?

-In a way. I mean, it's Sachiko we're talking about.

-Don't you love your Onee-sama? Haven't you kept in touch all these years?

-Youko, that's hardly the same thing. I'm not in love with my Onee-sama, and I certainly never slept with her.

-Yumi slept with Sachiko three times. One of those times, you were a part of it. The other two times was when Sachiko's grandmother died and when she got married.

-I have a feeling I know where you're going with this, and I already thought about it.

Youko laughs a little at this.

-Of course you did, but I'm studying to be a lawyer, and you're good practice, so indulge me a little. I'm worried about my girls, and I'm worried about you. I don't want Sachiko to keep on suffering, and I want you to be OK with her seeing Yumi alone from time to time. Do you really think it would happen again?

They are quiet for a time, Youko leaving Sei alone with her thoughts. She listens to the various sounds of the building, the footsteps above them, the lift pinging occasionally, the traffic outside.

-I think I'm just tired of making exceptions for Sachiko. I have no doubt that nothing of the kind will happen again, but I got really tired of putting up with their special relationship.

-They have…

-I know. I know what you're going to say. But Yumi is my partner. Not Sachiko's. She was never Sachiko's partner. We have been in love since Yumi's first year of high school. She has been in love with me, not Sachiko.

-And yet…

-And yet, Sachiko always knew the right buttons to press. If she had done it on purpose, it would have been easier to deal with. But that wasn't the case. She just loves Yumi. But I put up with it, instead of forcing the issue. I gave up my own peace of mind because I felt guilty about taking Yumi away from her. But you know what else?

Youko shakes her head, but she is about to find out.

-Yumi had made her decision. That time, she had chosen me, yet Sachiko wouldn't let it go, which caused both myself and Yumi to feel guilty about loving each other because of Sachiko. She wanted her chance, she said, but she had already lost, but we both couldn't let her feel that way. So I'm sorry if Sachiko is lonely now, and I accept responsibility for that. I should have been more forceful with her then. But there was Yumi to consider as well. It all went on too long, and it wasn't fair on any of us, and yes, I accept responsibility for that too.

Youko is not sure if accepting responsibility is the correct thing to do. Sei seems fine with it, and she is right, she made some bad decisions, but she wonders at Sei's choice of words.

-How are things now?

-Well, between Sachiko and myself, things are ok. We're still a bit delicate with each other, but the potential to be friends again is there.

-What about Sachiko and Yumi? Sachiko only sees her when she comes here. They don't even call each other anymore. A bit harsh, isn't it?

Sei is quiet for a few moments, gathering her thoughts.

-It's necessary for the time being. Youko, they need to keep their distance from each other so they can sort out what their friendship is supposed to be. Sachiko is married now, and Yumi is practically married. I want Yumi to learn she can say no to Sachiko, and for Sachiko to stop thinking of Yumi as hers. They should be friends, because they're good for each other, but not the way they were. It's not right, Youko, surely you can see that? Yumi has always been Sachiko's buffer, or stress toy, whatever you want to call it. She loves and appreciates her, but that was how Yumi learned to handle Sachiko, and Sachiko enjoyed it. It calmed her, especially as she was not used to having someone as tactile as Yumi around her. It didn't take long for it to become something else. Later on, it was sleeping with her.

Youko can see it. She knows exactly what Sei is saying. She saw it from the start with Sachiko and Yumi. Sachiko, once she had secured Yumi as her petite soeur, was very affectionate with her. Hugging her, fixing her clothes, holding her hand. These things, in and of themselves, are harmless. Yet it was clear that Sachiko was definitely head over heels in her own quiet manner for Yumi. The Ice Princess had thawed for Yumi. A lot of this was down to Yumi also, she was not entirely blameless, but Youko has the idea that with Yumi it was more out of not knowing what else to do, and hitting upon the one thing that Sachiko seemed helpless against: Yumi's physical presence. Something about Yumi's person seemed to fascinate Sachiko, who struggled daintily to keep her hands to herself. Youko, who had never been particularly hands on with Sachiko, found it amusing. Sachiko never wanted to hug Youko, or seemed open for hugging. But with Yumi, she lost it, a little, completely overwhelmed with the idea that Yumi was hers. Then, Yumi had that effect on people. Her own subtle brand of charisma had wound its way around Sei also. Sei, like Sachiko, was not one to touch anyone so casually, broke that with Yumi. Youko, as the silence grows between them, as they think their own thoughts, comfortable in this silence, because they know each other well, these women, and their friendship can allow it, she thinks back to when Yumi was new to them and the last Yamayurikai play she would be involved in was being rehearsed.

She remembers them practicing in the gym. Youko had insisted on being Sei's partner because she wanted to talk with her. Sei was already gravitating toward Yumi when Youko intruded. So they waltzed around the gym in well-timed formation, while Sei spent most of it looking at Yumi and Sachiko dance.

-I take it you approve of Yumi?

Youko asked, enjoying the feel of being in Sei's arms. Sei danced beautifully, naturally graceful, which made her quite popular to be teamed with when they learned this dance in their second year. Sei had looked down at her and grinned.

-I do.

-Why?

-She said no to Ogasawara-hime, and that makes her very interesting.

-The last person who said no to Sachiko, you made your petite soeur. I wonder what you'll do with Yumi?

Sei had smiled at her then, and there was something in it, something that Youko did not quite understand, but it made Youko's stomach flutter, her pulse pick up. She giggled then, because Sei's look made her nervous and excited at the same time.

-Am I supposed to do something with her?

Sei asked, leading them around the gym, knowing of course, that Youko is driving at something. Youko took the opportunity to slide her hand under Sei's sailor collar, pulling Sei a little closer.

-You could encourage them.

-I should become a meddler like you, you mean?

-Just this once.

Sei had laughed, and Youko laughed with her, as she liked to share these moments with Sei. Her white teeth flashing, her eyes alive with humour. It was good to see her this way. After her heartbreak late last year, Youko had spent a lot of time distracting Sei, getting her involved with all the work of the council, and Sei had done it because she also wanted the distraction. She became such an active member that she is now the go-to person for a lot of matters, and that made Youko glad. Spending all that time with the Yamayurikai and being pushed by her Onee-sama to take over her list of clubs made Sei more social, more open. The music had come to an end, and Eriko had gone to reset the cd. Sei stepped back from Youko and bowed, and immediately went to where her eyes had been for most of their dance.

Youko had sighed. She made eye contact with Rei then directed her gaze to Sei. Rei grinned and interrupted Sei just as the music began. Eriko became Youko's partner for the next round. Rei took the lead with Sei and Youko could not help her amusement watching them. Rei, not a natural dancer, had gotten much better, especially standing in for the prince, which had also made leading her automatic response. Sei, due to her height, usually played the male parts in their plays, but this time, Rei was the taller one, so Sei had to be the girl for a change. Youko could hear what Sei was saying to Rei over the music when they came close in the choreography, and so could Eriko, which caused them both to start laughing. Then Sei put her arms around Rei's neck, and refused to dance properly, insisting that she wanted to slow dance instead. Rei's shocked 'Rosa Gigantea!' brought the whole thing to a shuddering halt, as those younger did not want to be caught laughing but unable to help themselves, the older ones trying to look disdainful, and not quite managing it.

Eriko apologised to Youko, and went to save Rei. Sei took her chance to sweep Yumi away, and Youko went to dance with Sachiko. And yet again, Youko was dancing with someone who had no interest in her. Sachiko kept her attention on Yumi and Sei. Youko on one of the passes, caught eyes with Sei, raised her eyebrow at her, warning her. Sei grinned back and pulled Yumi closer to her. She whispered something to Yumi which made her laugh and Sachiko's grip on Youko tightened. Youko had wondered if asking Sei for help was a good idea, but it was too late to be asking that now.

They had practiced until Youko was happy with the smoothness of the choreography, no one was still bumping into anyone, and nearly everyone danced well with everyone else, in case there were any cast changes to be taken into account later on. All she had to do after that was call in Kashiwagi-san in for a couple more rehearsals, and they were good to go. If only the relations between all the members of the cast were going as well. Sei unfortunately helped herself to Yumi all afternoon, but Yumi did not look unhappy about it. Sei was in good form, and her attention can be addictive, Youko knew that first hand. Sachiko had spent the intervening time pretending not to care. On the way to the shoe changing area, Youko dragged Sei away from Yumi, allowing her to walk out with Sachiko. Sei, who was in a very good mood indeed, only put up a token resistance.

-Sei, what are you doing?

Youko asked, sotto voce, as they left the gymnasium and stopped at where their shoes were racked.

-I'm meddling. Like you asked me too.

Sei answered, just as quietly, her eyes flashing with mischief as she dropped her outdoor shoes on the ground and began slipping off her other shoes.

-Sachiko's going to lose it if you keep this up.

Youko said before realising what Sei was doing. She cursed it, thinking she should have been clearer in her instructions, not so subtle in her hinting, because Sei being Sei, she will take it anyway she pleases. Sei picked up her indoor shoes and hooked her fingers into the heels, leaning on the racks and tapping her outdoor shoes into place. She finally looked at Youko and smiled at her, that same smile that earlier had made Youko feel a little bit weak.

-Yabu wo tsutsuite hebi wo dasu.

Sei said to her and began walking away, asking over her shoulder if Youko was coming. It was only the next day Youko remembered that Yumi's surname contained the kanji for snake, but she still did not know what Sei meant by it. Sei apparently did not care what Youko thought about the situation, because even if Youko had never suggested meddling to Sei, she would have anyway, and she made it her business to go out of her way to shower Yumi with attention. When Youko and Sei were alone, Sei would often boast about how jealous she had managed to make Sachiko on any particular day. It was childish, they both knew it, but it certainly helped Sachiko to see Yumi as a person that others wanted, that she was a good girl, but had to be treated as such, not just as a project to fulfil a contract, as Sachiko seemed to perceive it. Sei helped enormously in that department. And when Yumi finally accepted Sachiko as an Onee-sama, Youko believes it had less to do with Sei than just the two of them getting to know each other better, and Sachiko not being so stiff with her. Sei even though she had her own petite soeur, had shown Sachiko an alternative situation, and by that stage, Sachiko was already interested in Yumi, all because she said no, and had used the word _pride_ to turn Sachiko down. This was a word that Sachiko understood very well.

However, things did not settle down after that. While Sei was very happy for the new sisters, she had fallen into a habit of petting and hugging Yumi, still derived some warped satisfaction from winding up Sachiko. When Youko questioned Sei on it, Sei said that the issue was still unresolved, Captain, so Operation Make Sachiko Jealous must continue for a while longer. Youko did not believe a word of it. Left alone, the Chinensis sisters would be fine, but Yumi had come to rely on Rosa Gigantea. Sei was not always a tease. She genuinely liked Yumi, and felt for her. This was something else Sei said, when Youko had questioned her. She wanted to leave herself available for Yumi, because Sachiko, as they both knew, could be difficult, and Youko being Sachiko's Onee-sama, Yumi might feel odd about approaching Youko for advice. Would it not be better for Sei to do it, as Yumi seems to like her? Youko again, had to agree. They had become quite good friends, Yumi and Sei, despite Sei's sometimes raunchy behaviour. And Sei's idea that Sachiko might take her eyes off the road now that she had secured Yumi as a petite soeur was not entirely off base. Sachiko, even a few weeks after making Yumi a Chinensis, was beginning to take Yumi more seriously as a person. So seriously, that Youko began to suspect that Sachiko was not feeling so sisterly toward Yumi anymore, but rather something else.

So distracted was she by Sachiko's changing attitudes and demeanour, that Youko did not notice until it was far too late, that Sei had gone and done something similar. As in, she had fallen for Yumi at some point and it seemed, that Yumi had fallen right back for her. Youko, in the split second it had taken her to process this revelation, after catching a very unsubtle look pass between Sei and Yumi one morning as they got ready for council work, suddenly though: _Oh no_. _This is not going to end well_. But as far as Youko knew, she had been wrong. There had been no big drama to contend with, no explosion of hurt feelings and emotion. She did not know at the time that the drama had been mostly contained and played out far from Lillian. She had advised Yumi to tell Sachiko as soon as possible, though. Yumi, who had been aware of some of Sachiko's feelings, but not the strength of them until she had gotten involved with Sei, had already planned to tell Sachiko. Sei she had already asked what she was doing, before they met Yumi at the gate and Yumi had requested her permission to love Sei. Sei said it was quite obvious what she was doing, but she would be as kind as the situation allowed to Sachiko. She would do her best by her, but she wanted Yumi and Yumi wanted her back, it was as simple as that, really.

Youko had wanted to say more, but what could she say to that? Sei made it seem very simple. As the week passed, and the weekend came and went, she noticed that something had changed between the three of them. But none of them said anything to her about it. She was curious, but she did not want to butt in too much. She did not want to approach Sachiko, and have her know that she knew before her, but even with the last rounds of exams coming up, she made herself as available to Sachiko as she could. Still, Sachiko said very little. Sei was careful with Sachiko, and Yumi was much the same. There was something, but it was none of her business, and none of the parties concerned were going to make it her business. But they had talked, that much was clear. It became much clearer a few months later, not long before graduation, when Yumi and Sei were seen by Tsutako-san. Tsutako-san kept it under wraps. Tsutako had spoken to Yumi, about how Mami had seen something, and Yumi who panicked, had gone to Sachiko, who called in Youko because she was unsure how to proceed. And that was the first frank conversation that the Chinensis family had about Sei, and Yumi's relationship with her, and some of Sachiko's feelings on the matter.

Before that, Youko had spoken to Tsutako about it, and she told her what she had seen, which was not that bad, but at the same time was, if only for the fact that they were doing something. Youko left it up to Tsutako to deal with Mami, because Youko appearing at her door to talk to her would confirm something that Mami only slightly knew, for she had been distracted so fast, she could easily talk herself into being mistaken. And Tsutako, who everybody knew, just adored Yumi, which Yumi remained unaware of, would do a far better job of protecting Yumi's reputation. It was one thing to admire so called 'couples' when it was more innocent than anything else, one could admire, within the culture of Lillian, the existence of wonderful soeurs, it would be quite another thing for more salacious comments to churn through the mill involving a Gigantea Chinensis relationship that was clearly not innocent. Youko had felt vaguely ridiculous about the whole thing, wondering why anyone would care, but school life was such an important part of one's life, so much time was spent there, and so much was invested in it that she can see why it would blow up, and also never be forgotten; it would pass into lore. Look at what happened when people thought Sei had written that book. And it would be Yumi who would have to deal with the fall out, so she had put her thoughts about how silly the thing was to one side, and addressed it seriously, because once she put that notion aside, she could see that it was quite serious, and there were other things that had come to her attention in the last month or so. So that day, Youko had learned some rather interesting things about her two little sisters, and even more later on with Sei.

And now, years on, sitting in Sei and Yumi's apartment, she is realising that a lot more went on that she was ever privy to. That none of it was as simple as Sei wanted her to believe, or maybe, it was Sei's wishful thinking on the topic. The three of them, very unsimply, had come to a rather unusual arrangement, that sort of grew organically between them.

-We're not going anywhere. Time will sort it out. This time, I can say that with confidence. I do think given time, Sachiko will learn that Yumi is not hers, and Yumi will learn to stop giving into her, and they can be friends. They'll feel safe enough to be friends with each other, and I'll feel safe with them.

-And you have to learn not to look elsewhere when you are having relationship problems.

Sei looks at her sharply.

-You know about that too?

-I do, but only from Sachiko's perspective, and she only knows a little. But considering she's in college with you, and spent time with you and Katou-san, I think she knows more than she let on.

Youko does not make her voice carefully neutral to say this. She feels the need to defend her little sisters. Sei is no angel either.

-I have no defence for that. Actually, I can't defend it at all.

_And you should not_, Youko thinks. She does not say that if the three of them had not slept together the first time, then Yumi would never have slept with Sachiko at all. By Sei agreeing, she changed their relationship completely, and opened the door to the possibility of Yumi sleeping with Sachiko again. Youko does not say it, because she knows that Sei has already thought of, and berated herself, for this already.

-And how is that situation?

She asks instead. She had met Katou-san a couple of times and had liked her a lot. Katou-san is a likeable person, in her own way, and nice. Judging purely from what she knows of her, from Sei, from speaking to the woman herself, Youko can imagine that Katou-san did not plan on hurting anyone's feelings, or breaking up a relationship. Youko has never blamed another person for their feelings, as one of the trickiest parts of being human is the heart part, and that just wants what it wants, not at all considering the practicalities of it.

-It's ok. We don't spend much time together anymore. I missed her for a while, and then it faded. It felt strange, but not distressing, not when I took a proper look at what I was doing. Did you know that Yumi and Kei went for dinner together one night?

-No, what happened?

-They talked. Yumi was a bit scarce on the details, but Yumi is a very kind person, so I doubt there was any handbags at dawn behaviour. I think it's because they genuinely liked each other before, and the two of them being who they are, they could go to dinner and talk about it.

-I don't think I could have done that. Was that after you made up?

Sei smiles at her response. Indeed, not many people would have done that.

-It was.

-Of course, you already knew what Katou-san was feeling. You would have spoken to her before.

-That's right, I did. But not after the dinner. Long before that, we had put distance between us, and whatever was said between them was not for me, so she didn't tell me either. Kei's conscience had led her to meeting Yumi, and when it was done, everything was done. While I wouldn't say we're friends anymore, we're not on bad terms.

And they go on talking, late into the afternoon, drinking tea and discussing many subjects, meandering through the sort of conversations people who have known each other from an impressionable age can have. Talking of the past, talking of what they are doing, talking of life. From the way Sei speaks now, it seems that she and Yumi are over the worst of it, because if they were not, Sei would sound different; she would not be as flowing in her speech. Sei was always one to show how she was feeling with every inch of her if one was of the mind to read her, to know her. Mid-way through a conversation about Hokusai and the meaning of Mt. Fuji in his prints, and why if Fuji became active again, it would have a more psychological impact that just an environmental one, there is the sound of keys in the door, followed by Yumi's voice calling out that she is home. Both Sei and Youko call out welcome home and Yumi comes around the corner at speed.

-Youko!

She calls out, sort of dancing in her happiness at Youko's presence in the room. Youko is already standing up with her arms open, knowing the kind of greeting she will get from Yumi. Yumi is very gratifying to greet, because she is always genuinely pleased to see Youko. Yumi seems to her much younger all of a sudden, her sentimentality sweeping her as she holds Yumi. She wonders how she could have felt any jealousy toward Yumi, who smells exactly the same as she did in high school and her hug is just as big and warm as it always is. Yumi never held back in her hugs, and from tip to toe she is against Youko. Youko holds her back, letting Yumi hug her in a way she never lets anyone else. But this is Yumi, and Youko is no more immune to the Yumi affect than Sei and Sachiko. Even Rei took comfort in hugging Yumi once. Sei, like she is still in high school, and something she continues to do when at least two members of the Chinensis family are present, hugs the both of them, squeezing Yumi between her and Youko. Yumi elbows her.

-Behave.

Yumi says, then releases Youko when Sei, laughing, lets go. Youko holds Yumi by the shoulders and takes a good look at her. Her hair is very long now, worn loose, and it is pretty, just like Yumi, who is growing into a gorgeous young woman. Youko, whose sentimentality is not done with her yet, mixes Yumi of sixteen up with the one before her, superimposing ribbons and a uniform on her, and feels quite emotional, as her gaze searches Yumi's face. After all she has heard in the last few days, from Sachiko and Sei, she wants to go back maybe, go back and tell Yumi of then to slow down, that she does not have to make those particular decisions. She wants to tell that Yumi to come and talk to her and Youko will take care of Sachiko, and they could have avoided so much. _You grew so fast_, she thinks, looking at the Yumi of now, feelings a sympathy for Yumi she did not expect. Looking at her lovely face and her bright eyes, she sees the Yumi she knew then, and the Yumi she knows now, who is not that different, but yet is, in fundamental ways. She just as suddenly wants to see what Yumi will look like at twenty-five or –six, when everything that physically needs to be settled is, when she is fully grown. She already looks mature, but Youko wants to know the woman who is yet to come, because surely she is going to be someone special.

-Yumi, I hope you're not overdoing it?

Youko says, noticing in her examination of Yumi's pretty face that she looks quite tired. She remembers a time when Yumi worked so hard that she collapsed. She also heard that was not the last time she had done it either. Fukuzawa Yumi, all or nothing.

-No, no, I'm fine. You're staying for dinner.

Yumi answers, and Youko is very impressed with the tone of command Yumi has developed.

-Yes Ma'am.

Youko snaps a smart salute making Yumi grin. She mentions that she and Sei went shopping earlier, so she wants to make dinner for them. Yumi argues, saying Youko is a guest so she is not allowed. Youko says she wants to because she rarely gets to cook, and she is sure that Yumi is sick of Sei's cooking by now. Yumi does not answer quickly enough to the last part to save Sei's feelings, who pouts and mumbles about ungrateful juniors. Yumi apologises to Sei, saying that she always appreciates Sei's culinary endeavours, taking a box of pocky sticks out of her bag, and that it is never boring when Sei cooks, handing them to her. Sei brightens immediately at the sight of them.

-You're so easy.

Youko says to her, making her way to the kitchen. Sei agrees, saying it is a problem, opening the packet, clearly not paying attention. Yumi trots after Youko wanting to help. Youko figures that there is no point in trying to shoo her away as Yumi will never relax unless she is doing something. Youko is going to make curry, as it is simple and filling, and done just right, it is magnificent. Yumi begins taking out pots and pans and showing Youko how to use the cooker. This is accompanied by spontaneous hugging on Yumi's part of Youko's arm if it strays too near Yumi. Sei, who looks left out, decides that dessert is in order, and are there any requests? Youko says cake and Yumi says ice cream and Sei says both. Grabbing her jacket, she leaves them to it. She also picks up a book on her way to the hall as everyone says goodbye.

-I think she's going to take her time.

Youko says, smiling at Yumi, who agrees and laughs. Youko says to Yumi she hopes she has nothing urgent to do, because she does not intend to let Yumi study today, and she does not mind calling in re-enforcements to help. Yumi says she believes her, and promises to leave her bag where she dropped it.

-Will you stay for a while?

Yumi asks, a hopeful tone in her voice.

-Until you tell me to go home. I missed you too.

Yumi smiles at Youko, and moves the knife block toward her. Yumi starts chopping vegetables, and Youko begins trimming the meat. They work in companionable silence for a while, as Youko wonders how she should ask Yumi to tell her about what had gone on. Even though the events that caused the break up are long in the past, they did not rest easy.

-Yumi?

-Hmmm?

-When you were having a hard time, why didn't you call me?

Yumi does not answer straight away, but her smile slips somewhat. Youko almost wishes she did not ask, but Youko does not shy away from difficult things, unless they are best left undisturbed, but she does not think that this is one of those things. She wants to know why Yumi felt she had to go through this alone. She had Shimako, who she lived with for months, but Youko does not feel that is the same thing as turning to someone older, someone that is more aware of the delicate dynamics of everyone concerned. Perhaps that is why Yumi felt she could not. Youko has an idea why Yumi kept her distance, but she is not sure.

-I was ashamed, Youko.

Yumi finally answers, knocking Youko out of her musings.

-I hurt Sei. I really, really hurt her. And she was on the verge of being with another woman. And Sachiko, I hurt her too, in lots of different ways. I thought of calling you, I did, but I just couldn't face you.

Youko wonders if she is really that scary. She does not think so, but then she is not Yumi.

-Yumi, I wouldn't have hated you. I don't now. I was angry when Sachiko talked with me, I won't deny it, but it was over the situation, not specifically you. I wouldn't have, and I don't, blame you.

-But I know your feelings for Sei.

Youko's heart skips a beat but then Yumi continues.

-You two are best friends, and Sachiko is your petite soeur. You even charged me with looking after the both of them. And look what I did.

There is a lot of old emotion in Yumi's voice and Youko has to wonder what she is getting out of doing this to Yumi. Is she annoyed because no one wanted her help? Is she frustrated because now that the dust has all but settled, she feels useless? Sei was alone during all of this, Yumi hid at Shimako's and Sachiko after begging Sei to forgive Yumi, went into a deep depression. And Youko knew nothing about it until a few days ago. She feels so bad for everyone concerned, and she feels now like the farmer who is shutting the stable door after the horse is gone, wondering why she is doing it.

-Yumi, I also charged you with taking care of yourself, and if you ever needed me, I'd be there. You're very important to me. All three of you are. You're family to me, Yumi.

Too little, too late, Youko thinks. Confronted with Yumi now, she again feels useless. She thinks about horses and barn doors. She shakes it off. _Be here now_, Youko thinks, and nudges the quiet girl beside her.

-How are you now?

She asks, gently, treading carefully in this delicate atmosphere.

-I'm ok. I didn't handle Sachiko well, though. The last time we spoke, I mean, really spoke, it was so calm. We could have been strangers. But I have to put Sei first. It hurt, even more than I thought it would, but we couldn't go on the same way.

Yumi chops, and Youko joins in, peeling potatoes. When she has them peeled, she hands them to Yumi to cut into whatever shapes she fancies. She has cut the carrots into flower shapes, which is nice. Youko turns to begin the sauce for the curry, and all of this is buying her valuable thinking time.

-Have you put yourself first yet?

Youko is hearing a lot of self-recrimination from Yumi, and she does not like it. There is much Youko can surmise from the little they have said about the matter, but one of Yumi's defining faults is assuming that she has messed up in some way. She has a fear of being seen as selfish or incompetent, and this was evident very early on in their friendship.

-Eh?

Youko nearly laughs at the familiar sound from Yumi.

-You, Yumi, are a demon for accepting blame. No, you shouldn't have done what you did, but we both know what Sachiko can be like. And Sei, well, Sei just wanted everything to turn out ok somehow. Like with Shiori, she didn't want to burst the bubble with reality, and then with Shimako, she kept her distance, and that seemed fine, so using those as her examples, she mashed them together and hoped for the best.

-Did she tell you about Katou-san?

-Some. She also told me that you went out for dinner with her.

-I did. I wanted to ask her if she was ok. I also wanted to give her a chance to apologise, which is why she asked me in the first place.

Youko has no idea how to feel about this.

-You wanted to check if the woman your partner nearly cheated with was ok? Really?

Yumi laughs at Youko's expression. Youko cannot believe this.

-Youko, we both know Sei. Who wouldn't want her? Charming, smart, funny, good looking, she ticks some pretty big boxes. They knew each other for two years, and nothing happened. They didn't act on their feelings. I think that says a lot about the both of them. I can't blame Kei for having feelings, can't hate her for it, though it would be easier if I could. Or Sei, for that matter. Don't get me wrong, I hated it, I hated that it had come to it, but considering all that I had put Sei through since we began dating, I had no right to be too outraged.

Youko thinks about this. She adds water to the sauce, then the meat. She puts the lid on the pot, and turns to help Yumi with the rest of the vegetable, which are taking a lot longer to chop than usual because of stopping and talking. While it is true that Yumi asked a lot from Sei, Youko feels that Yumi asked more from herself.

-Do you think that Sei might be partially to blame for what happened?

Again, Youko is careful about her tone when asking this. Unlike pointing out Sei's foibles with Shiori and Shimako, there is a chance that Yumi may get defensive over this part. She does not want to lose her in this conversation. As she waits for Yumi to mull through this question, she assigns her wash up duty, as the veg is done, and she can add it to the pot soon. Yumi has somehow managed to turn the majority of the potatoes into ducks. What a peculiar talent.

-Do you mean that if Sei had not said yes the first time, and I'm going to assume that Sachiko told you everything?

Youko confirms this.

-That I might not have slept with Sachiko at all?

-Something like that.

-And continuing the logic, Sei might not have felt as justified in her developing feelings for Kei? Because of the first time?

Youko sees what Yumi is doing. She is bringing it back around to it being all her fault_. Is this ego, Yumi? Or do you really believe it?_ But Yumi is not finished. They are leaning against the work top of the kitchen, waiting for the meat in the sauce to cook enough so they can add the vegetables. First the potatoes, and then about ten minutes after that, the rest of it.

-Sei was scared of losing me, so she agreed. I didn't realise it at the time, but in retrospect, I played on it. I wouldn't have meant to, but I think I did it anyway. I knew I could ask things of her and she would give in. I knew that from before we got involved. She always gave into me. And I gave into her. The concept of 'no' was not a part of our relationship. The only time Sei ever unequivocally refused me was when she said she would never do what we did with Sachiko ever again. That was easy. I would never ask her again.

Youko picks up the board with the duck potatoes on it, and dumps them into the pot. Replacing the lid, she puts the board in the sink, and leans back to where she was before.

-I had no intention of doing anything like that with Sachiko again. But it was always there. I had tried to close a door with what we did, thinking, somehow, that it would prove something, something that Sachiko did not quite get. Her own family situation is one of sharing. Her mother and grandmother both shared their husbands with other women, and that was her example. But I wanted to show her how impossible that was when one does not live in their world. I just made things worse, as it turned out.

At Youko's direction, Yumi puts the rest of the vegetables into the pot. Youko turns down the heat, and it can cook on its own until they are ready for it. Between them they begin the process of tidying up. Youko dries what Yumi washed earlier, and Yumi puts them away.

-And I promised, Youko. I promised Sei that nothing would happen. And do you know what? I was lying. I think I even knew it at the time, but just didn't want to admit it. And then I lied again. And again. I somewhere got the idea that lying about this was ok. That doing this was ok, because it was Sachiko. I had sex with Sachiko just before she got married, on her wedding day, as I was helping her get dressed, and then I had sex with Sei that night. What sort of person does things like that?

Youko does not know what to say to this. So she lets Yumi calm down in their silence. Sei may have moved past this, but clearly, Yumi has not. She still hates herself a little, over decisions that she should not have even been thinking about at that age. Youko, who thinks she may be slanting things in Yumi's favour because she is the youngest of all of them, still cannot find it in herself to blame Yumi too much. Sei and Sachiko should have been the ones to stop that in its tracks, but they did not. She cannot believe that Sachiko went along with it. Sei is one thing, the novelty of the situation appealing to her, and her own insecurities all contributed to it. Youko is not sure what she can do for Yumi. Hug her, or maybe buy her chocolate. She is not sure, there is a lot there. They finish washing up, and Yumi goes and gets the teapot from the living room. She washes that out, and Youko begins to make more tea.

-In answer to your question, Yumi, I think a very loving person would do what you did.

-What!?

Youko feels her way through what she wants to say. She has no experience in romantic relationships, but she knows Yumi. Knows her better now than she did in high school. Both Sachiko and Sei talk about her, and over the years, they have spent time together, time they did not have in high school, getting to know each other. Youko has learned that there is no malice in Yumi. She has learned that in general, Yumi is an emotional creature, who usually tries to do her best for the people that she loves. But sometimes, even monkeys fall out of trees.

-Hear me out on this, Yumi. From what I know of the situation you've always tried to keep everybody happy. Did it ever strike you that's not your job? That the two other people involved let you carry the can?

-What do you mean?

And there it is. Yumi's naïveté. She automatically took responsibility because she came up with the idea. She never questioned her two important women's actions because she loves them. _God, Yumi, you never change_.

-Sachiko should have had the sense to let go of you. She knows that now, but the damage is done. And Sei shouldn't have been so soft. She should have made it clear from the start she didn't like the idea, but she was too insecure to do anything about it. And she didn't want to scare you.

Youko, taking full advantage of the press in the kitchen dedicated entirely to Sei's substantive tea collection, picks some of the more expensive looking ones, very curious about their taste.

-But you don't scare easy, do you, Yumi?

Youko says to the box of tea.

-No.

Yumi agrees.

-And both of the women in your life could be considered quite intimidating in their own ways. But you handled them well, when they should have been handling themselves. They were the older ones, Yumi. I'm not going to excuse what any of you did, even if it was my place to do so, but I think you were put in a really awkward position.

Yumi leans against the counter, contemplating what Youko just said. Youko puts the kettle on, and asks Yumi to find them some cups. She goes into the living room and brings in the ones Youko and Sei were using earlier, and puts them in the sink, then takes down some new ones from the press over the kettle.

-They both have baggage, Yumi. A lot of what they did and didn't do had little to do with you. I don't know if that makes things better or worse, but the way I see it, I think you should stop blaming yourself. You were not alone in this.

-Shimako said the same thing.

Yumi says, a thoughtful look on her face. Youko feels immensely sorry for Yumi now. More than she did before. Talking with Yumi has brought her position more acutely into focus for Youko, and she cannot help but wonder how Yumi held it together for so long. But then, Yumi is a trooper and just carried on. Should Yumi have suggested they all sleep together to settle things between them? No, Youko is sure of that. And Yumi knows this, and probably knew it as soon as she did it. Should she have slept with Sachiko again, and then lied about it? No to both. But did Sachiko take advantage of Yumi's love and regard for her? Yes, Youko thinks that Sachiko did. Did Sei just let go and hope for the best? Definitely, and more than Sachiko, Youko would love to blame Sei, because she then distracted herself with Katou-san so she would not have to deal with her relationship falling apart. She does not blame Sei, but she holds her partly responsible. Sei expected Yumi to leave her at some point, which is why she never acted on her suspicions. She thought this was about what she deserved. Sei had said to Sachiko, when Sachiko went to apologise and plead Yumi's case that Sei had known. Of course Sei would have known. As perceptive as Sei is, there are times when she prefers not to use it, and do nothing. Like anybody, Sei is just as able to lie to herself convincingly. And what sort of person does that?

-Yumi, you did your best, and got all tangled up somewhere. Stop feeling guilty for following your heart and choosing Sei. I think you indulged Sachiko long enough. She needs to get over it. She also made her own choices. She knew there was no future with you, because of her family, and still she wouldn't let you go. I agree with Sei. She has to go through it now, because she didn't do it then.

Youko goes about the business of making tea. After living with Sei, Yumi must have high standards when it comes to tea, so Youko stupidly feels nervous about presenting Yumi with her efforts. Sei really does have a magic touch when it comes to combining flavours.

-And Sei loves you. And finally, she is strong enough to trust that you're not going anywhere. That just because life doesn't run smoothly, it doesn't mean that you just stop when something hurts. She's learned that. Sei's forgiven you, Yumi. If there is anger still there, it's not for you.

Youko has the tea made and they take it into the living room. They settle on the couch and Youko pours cups for the both of them. They sit back. Yumi smells the tea before she drinks it and smiles, complimenting her on it. Youko demurs, but she is quite pleased.

-It's not like they hate you for it. When it comes to you, they're not capable of it. Their own love made them a little selfish, I think. It's kind of crazy when you think about it.

Yumi smiles at Youko's choice of words. Youko did it on purpose, hoping Yumi would laugh, because she is too quiet, but a smile is better than nothing.

-They both fell for you around the same time, and all the Rosas, even Sei, were pushing you to be Sachiko's petite soeur. I asked Sei to help with that. I had no idea that she would go about it the way she did. I didn't think she would be so full on, but she already liked you. When I asked her about it, all she would say is that when you poke a bush, a snake comes out.

Yumi finally starts laughing and laughing hard. To this day, Youko is still not sure what Sei meant by that. Apparently, Yumi does. She supposes that is why they are together. Yumi understands Sei. She gets her humour and she knows what she means by certain things, can read Sei's shorthand.

-That girl.

Is all Yumi will say on the matter. Youko looks a question at Yumi, but Yumi waves it off. It seems there is no way to explain it. Youko feels quite a bit of relief that Yumi makes nothing of her confession about actively encouraging Sei to be the cat among the pigeons. Though, this is Yumi she is talking to, and perhaps she already knew. Maybe Sei said something, or maybe Yumi guessed.

-Anyway, somewhere in the midst of making Sachiko jealous, she fell for you.

-She said that.

-Ah, so honest.

Youko says, making Yumi laugh again.

-About most things, but not so honest about others, I think.

Yumi concludes.

-Sometimes, Sei forgets to say things. Forgets that people care about her and like to know these things. I'm sure that you found that there was a lot about Sei you felt you couldn't ask about.

-She was very secretive, and I accepted that. I figured it was part of her personality and left it at that. I forgot things too, Youko. Like, maybe I had a right to ask Sei about certain things. That I was remiss in asking her, and getting to know her better. It took breaking up to show me that.

Yumi swirls her tea in her cup.

-Did you know Sei's favourite colour is red?

Yumi asks out of nowhere.

-No, I didn't.

-Neither did I. Not until we'd broken up. I found out her favourite colour, among other things.

-Is that what it was? A break up?

-Oh yes. We were not over, but if either of us didn't want to fight for it, we wouldn't be sitting here now. Then we started dating. After nearly three years together, we finally went on a date. It was Sei who asked me out.

Yumi laughs gently at the memory.

-There was so much we took for granted, because we already knew each other.

Of course, Youko thinks. Going to school together, being in the Yamayurikai. It would seem like they already knew a lot about each other. Youko remembers a conversation with Sei, after the first time she went to Yumi's house, and how surprised she was by Yumi's reading material. Yumi had kept surprising her. But then, Yumi surprises a lot of people, Youko suspects. Youko urges Yumi to tell her about that, hoping that this conversation is helping Yumi.

-So we started dating, and we got to know each other again. Maybe even for the first time. I felt in a strange way, that we were introducing ourselves, and getting to know each other from the ground up. More importantly, we didn't sleep together for months, so it really was like we were new to each other. We used sex to cover up a lot of things, paper over the cracks, if you like. It was easy. Our relationship started out like that.

Yumi smiles over at Youko, a shy smile, as if to say, _this is not the easiest thing to talk about, but if you're ok with it, then I am too_. Youko is fine with it. She makes an encouraging noise.

-I had sex with Sei before I knew I loved her. I liked her, I was attracted to her, I respected her, and if I was going to give my virginity to anyone, I thought she would be the best person. And if it never went anywhere, I was right about her. She was the right choice. No matter what happened after that, I would never regret it. But I did love her, and after that, I knew I loved her, and I knew how much she loved me, all the things she never said, she got to say them, and I was so happy.

Yumi sighs, and sips her tea.

-But sex became our way of communicating. That part of our relationship was always functioning. We were friends too, friends having sex, and we missed something. There were a lot of things about Sei I didn't know both big and small, that for some reason, we never talked about. We had sex, and our pillow talk was about the nature of reality, or how much we loved each other. When Sei started going to college, it was about American novels.

Youko is amazed at the level of openness from Yumi. She is glad that Yumi feels comfortable enough with her to talk like this. And Youko would be a liar if she did not admit to herself that she is wildly curious about their relationship. The dynamics of it, for the most part, defied her understanding. In some way, more as an intellectual exercise, she can see how it could happen. But Yumi and Sei always seemed so different. That ok, a high school affair is one thing, but here they are, living together, and Yumi was right, they fought to be together. Youko briefly wonders if she will ever have something like this.

-We missed a couple of steps. Things that build a full picture of another person. I never knew her favourite band is Nine Inch Nails, for instance, and she never knew that I like traditional music. I never knew she wanted to be a writer and she never knew I wanted to be a teacher.

They are quiet for a few moments after this. They sip tea, and Youko pours more when they run out. She waits for more from Yumi. She does not have to wait long.

-And I never knew that the real reason Sei chose to go to Lillian College is because she couldn't let go of the memory of Shiori. That hurt. That hurt a lot. That some part of Sei was waiting for her to come back.

Youko is not terribly surprised to hear this. She suspects that a tiny part of Sei will keep longing for Shiori, if only because Shiori did not say goodbye properly, left her with nothing but a note. It must have been a stab in the heart for Yumi to hear that.

-And she never knew that part of me still wanted to be with Sachiko, and that's why I gave in so easily to her.

Yumi sips her fresh cup of tea and smiles. A very bitter, very adult smile that Youko never thought she would see on Yumi's face. _You're very determined to hang onto this_, Youko thinks.

-The first time, when Sachiko's grandmother died, I just wanted her to feel better, or think about something else. So I did the first thing that came to mind, which tells you a lot about me. I gave her me. The second, on her wedding day, she was so scared Youko, and she needed me. That's what she said. And like the first time, I just didn't think about it, even though I had promised Sei. I kept it from her because of that promise. And I justified it, that Sachiko was scared, or she was upset.

-But she knew, somehow, didn't she.

-Yeah. She knew, but she didn't ask, never said anything, and I was fine with that. This is still really hard to say, Youko.

Youko leans across the couch and places her hand on Yumi's slender shoulder. This is very hard for Youko to hear. She loves all the people involved, and there is a little kernel of guilt in her. She remembers what she said to Sei earlier. To a certain extent, she overlooked Yumi. She trusted Yumi to be ok, because Yumi is Yumi. Of course, Youko did not know all the details, like she does now, but she should have considered certain issues. Like Yumi's age and how the girls she was involved with were so adult in comparison to her. _I should have looked out for you more_, Youko thinks now, digging her fingers into Yumi's shoulder. _I think…I think I dropped the ball._

-Who are you in love with?

She asks, because this is a safe question, and has nothing to do with what she is feeling.

-Sei.

No hesitation there.

-So you know that. Hopefully, someday, you will be able to be friends with Sachiko again, when you both have settled into your lives. The three of you became close so fast, and your relationship with Sei began so fast, and people make mistakes, as paltry as that sounds. You all made mistakes. But look now, Yumi.

Yumi looks at her, cradling her cup in her hand. There are no words to describe the look on her face.

-Sei is very in love with you. You are very in love with her. You got past this, and there are no more secrets between you, are there?

-No.

This is said quietly, but honestly, Youko thinks.

-And logically speaking, you cannot change the past. What's done is done. You made mistakes. But so did Sei, so did Sachiko, because it could be said that love makes people selfish to an extent. You dealt with two women who have major trust issues and you managed. You just managed. They could have let go at any point, could have helped, but they didn't. Because they love you, but as you love them differently, they love you differently.

Youko goes quiet after that, thinking about what she just said. They were her seniors. They should have known better. But at the time, they were sixteen, seventeen and eighteen respectively. Should they have known better? It is easy now for Youko to say that. She was not a part of it; she did not experience their feelings. As much as she loves the three of them, she can still be objective where they cannot.

-I wonder, Yumi, if Sei is still angry because you won't forgive yourself. Do you talk about that?

-Sometimes. If we argue now, it's over that. I don't think she knows what to do, and I don't know what to say to her. I want to be with her forever. I can't imagine my life without her. When we separated, it was horrible. To not see her, to not talk to her. Of all people, to not talk with Sei. To not sleep beside her, or see her eating pocky sticks over her laptop. I ran away from her, and that was the strangest thing of all.

Yumi stares speculatively into her cup of tea, which must be quite cold by now.

-The guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. When I saw her with Katou-san that day, it was just like that. This is karma, Yumi, is what I thought. She found me on campus a couple of weeks later, and wanted me to come home. But in some ways, even then, I knew Sei very well. She wanted to pretend that everything was ok. I just couldn't do it. There was something wrong with us, and had been from the start. And then with college being so busy, I think I had started to use it as an excuse for the drift that had started.

Yumi shakes her head, and Youko squeezes her shoulder again.

-When she asked me to move in with her, I was so happy. Honestly and completely happy. This was like a proposal, and she did use words to that affect, and I thought, everything will be ok now. I can pretend I never slept with Sachiko, Sei and I will be together all the time, and it'll be fine. But we actually saw each other less. In the mornings when we were both rushing off in different directions, then in the evening when eating, studying and sleeping were the extent of our interactions. Before we broke up, I couldn't remember the last time we were intimate, and for us, that should have been a serious indicator.

-But you both let it go.

-Yes, we did. We let it go. We thought we would just go on, without putting any work into it.

-Are things better now?

-A lot better. We make more time for each other. I'm not as panicky about college anymore, which helps. Sei is a lot more open and willing to say what's on her mind now, too. I think I love her more now that I did in high school. She's still the best person for me.

-And other things?

Youko has to ask. Yumi and Sei are very physical in expressing themselves, and sex, as she just found out, and probably knew anyway, is a big part of their relationship. It made her uncomfortable at first, but with Yumi being so open and natural when discussing it, Youko feels more able to ask about it.

-Sometimes, we don't bother getting out of bed.

So, no problems there, then. Yumi laughs, and then blushes, and it is adorable. _Oh Sei_, Youko thinks, _you never stood a chance with this one_. Youko gets up to check on the curry, which smells great. She gives it a stir.

-Should I call Sei and tell her it's safe to come back?

Youko says, measuring rice and water into the rice maker.

-Yeah, she's probably starving by now. Leave her any longer, and she'll eat the cake.

Youko takes her phone out of her pocket, and swipes through to Sei's number.

-Do you want to take a bath? We have time.

-I'll wait until Sei comes back.

Sei does not answer her phone, instead they hear keys in the door, and Sei comes in with bags.

-Good timing, I was just on my way back. I'm starving.

Both Yumi and Youko start laughing, and Yumi asks her if there is still cake. Sei feigns hurt feelings, and then says most of it is still there. Youko quickly takes the bags from Sei. She puts the cake box in the fridge and the ice cream in the freezer. Yumi gets up to take the bath that Youko suggested. She promises she will not be long. Sei starts fussing around with napkins and cutlery, and cleans off the large coffee table in front of the couch. She gets cushions from their bedroom. Yumi goes to the bathroom with her at home clothes, and shuts the door. Youko hears the water go on. Sei comes back to the kitchen, and switches on the rice maker after checking if it is ready to go. Then she leans against the counter and watches it time down.

-Did you have a good talk?

Sei asks eventually, very quietly.

-We did. It was very enlightening.

-How is she?

Youko sighs inwardly, and stirs the curry for want of something better to do.

-Shouldn't you already know that?

She answers, just as quietly.

-I do know, Youko. I just don't know what to do about it. No matter what I say…

-She still hates herself.

Sei says nothing. Youko has her back to Sei, yet she can feel the consternation from earlier on.

-Give her time, Sei. You have the rest of your lives together. She loves you so much; it's hard to believe it's real. But it is. Her love is real. She just got a little confused, a bit turned about.

Youko turns back to Sei, who is not leaning anymore, but slumping against the counter.

-Can I be blunt?

-It's nice of you to ask this time.

-I learned manners somewhere.

-Evidently. Go on.

They smile at each other.

-Be the grown up, Sei. Don't leave all this up to Yumi. You've done that for long enough. I know you were badly hurt, I'm not dismissing that. But Yumi has been hurting for a long time, so much so, it's become a part of her. Help her, Sei. You really are the only one who can.

-Is it that bad?

-Is it?

Sei looks at her, a plaintive look in her eyes. _What do you want, Sei?_ Youko wants Sei to ask a real question. To stop beating around the bush and get to the point. Youko does not bother hiding her sigh this time.

-Sei, you're still angry about everything that happened. Still angry about the decisions you made years ago. Yumi picks up on that and she knows she can't change it. So things may be better between you. A lot better, according to Yumi. But if something is still off, take the initiative. I don't know what you're supposed to do. Only you know that.

They stand looking at each other in the kitchen. Only years of friendship could allow this solid eye contact. Youko wants to reach out to Sei, but there is nothing more she can say. Sei has the map to Yumi, not Youko. Yumi has even helped by politely marking the way. Now Sei just has to follow it. _Let's go Sei. Move!_ The door to the bathroom opens, and the beeper on the rice maker goes. Youko smiles at Sei. Sei smiles back.

-Thank you.

Sei mouths to her, and then Yumi is here. Her hair when wet, is even longer. Plastered down as it is now, it shows off her face. Her brown eyes are huge actually, Youko notes. Yumi stopped being cute at some point, and is already saying goodbye to pretty. She has tipped into beautiful. She comes back into the kitchen in tee-shirt and shorts and begins taking out plates. Sei watches her, and suddenly, the kitchen feels very small. Youko can feel it. The energy that is particular to Sei and Yumi when they are in the same space as each other. Yumi gently rearranges Sei so she can set plates out on the counter beside the rice maker. Then Yumi stands beside Youko at the curry pot, looking excited. So much so, Youko asks when was the last time Yumi ate. Yumi answers that she is happy that it is Youko's food. Youko, stupidly flattered, reaches out and strokes Yumi's wet hair. Yumi smiles at her, and if ever Yumi would purr, Youko thinks this is the time Yumi would. She says what has been on her mind.

-Sei, you never stood a chance with this one, did you?

-Eh?

Yumi looks at Youko, clearly not understanding her. Sei starts laughing.

-Hook, line and sinker.

Sei says, and gets the same response from Yumi. Yumi rolls her eyes when they will not elaborate, and pokes Youko in the side instead, encouraging her to serve up. Youko tells the both of them to go sit down. Yumi starts to make the guest argument again, but Sei grabs her around the middle, and starts walking them backwards out of the kitchen, saying when one sees an eclipse, one should stop and admire it. The two of them sit at the table, arranging themselves on the cushions. Youko puts rice onto the plates, listening to the pair of them chatting and laughing. She takes her time because it sounds nice. It makes Youko feel lonely and happy at the same time_. Can I have that sometime?_ Youko asks the universe as she ladles curry onto rice.

She serves dinner, laughing at Yumi's happy face and Sei looking ruefully at her. Sei's cooking must be pretty bad for Yumi to look so happy. They sit and dig in, talking about their other friends. Yumi has kept in contact with Shimako, even though Shimako is not so good down her end. But Yumi is refusing to give up. And of course, she is still very close to Yoshino. Mentioning Shimako and Yoshino in the same sentence causes Yumi to start laughing. Youko and Sei look at her, wondering why.

-Sorry, sorry, I forgot to tell you the parting, or rather some of the parting advice that Yoshino gave to Shimako before she left.

-Oh god.

Sei says, her mind already turning over the possibilities of what Yoshino, and only Yoshino, would consider suitable advice. Sei goes to college with Yoshino, and she is even more ofay with her carrying ons. Youko only has them second hand from Sei, and sometimes, Yumi, and Youko has to wonder if there is something in the water at Lillian.

-She said, and I quote: 'trade on being an Asian chick. Any westerner with blood in their veins and eyes in their head are weak in the face of Asian chicks'. Unquote.

Youko, who made the mistake of taking a mouthful of curry just as Yumi said Asian chick, nearly chokes. Sei slaps Youko on the back, laughing so hard there are tears, and she is not helping Youko at all, so Youko waves her off. Yumi gets up and gets a glass of water from the kitchen. Youko thanks her, still choking, and takes a long drink.

-What did Shimako say to that?

Sei wants to know.

-She thanked Yoshino, and said she would bear it in mind, along with claiming to be the last of a ninja clan, and by the way, Yoshino, how do you know this? Yoshino said that foreigners can be very forward, and would say no more.

Sei puts her face in her hands. Youko can practically hear Yoshino say it, especially the part about ninjas. That is pure Yoshino. She is curious if Yumi had any parting words for Shimako before she went to England.

-Not really. I had already lived with her for months by then, so everything we wanted to say was said. I miss her. I thought she would at least come back for holidays, but she'd already decided not to.

-Is she seeing anyone?

Sei asks.

-She hasn't said anything.

They keep eating, and talk about Noriko, who was gutted when Shimako announced she was going abroad to study. Yumi informs them both that Touko says that Noriko still will not talk about it. Touko, of course, has her own opinions on the matter. She thinks that Shimako kept Noriko too close to her, and let her think there was something there that was not. Sei thinks that is very harsh, and Yumi says that that is just Touko's opinion, not that she was right. Youko, however, agrees with Touko, from what she knows of the situation. Whenever she met the younger Gigantea members, Shimako was probably overly affectionate, not wanting Noriko far from her. Youko supposed she was making up for the distance she had with Sei. Theirs was a completely different scenario from Sei and Shimako. Yumi said something similar a few years ago. And even Sachiko had mentioned it in passing, but then Shimako was a Rosa by that stage, so she and Rei felt they could not say anything. Yumi says that there was probably a conversation Shimako and Noriko should have had, but both of them were reluctant to have it. They mull over this for a while, backing and forthing about the pros and cons of the soeur system. Finally, Yumi changes the subject, and asks if Youko is seeing anyone.

-No, I'm not.

-But surely people have been interested?

Sei asks, and Youko nods.

-There were a couple of people I met, but no one really caught my interest.

-So, you _are_ dating?

Yumi asks, very interested. Youko realises that of all the topics they spoke about today, Youko's love life, or rather lack of, was deliberately kept closed. Considering how open Yumi has been, and Sei, about their private life, Youko gives up hiding it. It is only fair.

-Group dates with some of my friends, but nothing serious.

-Yumi, Youko still hasn't had her first kiss yet.

Sei jokes. And Youko tries valiantly to hide the blush that blooms on her cheeks. Sei is kidding and means nothing by it, but it is true. Youko has never been intimate with another person. Sei spots the blush, of course she does, and shock registers on her face.

-I'm right? Really?

Yumi throws a napkin at Sei and tells her to calm down.

-I'm sorry. Really. I'm just surprised. You're a very attractive woman, Youko, and after going to an all-girls school, I thought you'd be chomping at the bit.

Sei makes up with her, and Youko mentally rolls her eyes at the part of her that briefly flares at the thought that Sei has actually noticed she is attractive.

-Do you have an arrangement?

Yumi asks quietly, leaning across the table to retrieve her napkin, and Sei looks at Youko sharply.

-No, nothing like that. Though my parents are prepared in case it comes to that! Honestly, I just have yet to meet someone I find interesting enough to seriously date. School is really tough, and I don't go out much. My own fault for picking law, I suppose.

What Youko cannot say is that she has yet to meet anyone as interesting as her friends in high school. She can admit that she is looking for someone like Sei. Sei is by far the most interesting person she has ever met, and what about Eriko? Eriko could not be called boring either. These people formed in her an ideal. She wants to know people like them, because she loved them, and she still keeps in touch because she could not think of her life without them. Everybody Youko has met since, romantically or otherwise, have all been measured against them. Sei in particular is a bar raised pretty high.

-Sounds lonely.

Yumi says. Youko meets her gaze and any part of her that may have been a little resentful, or want to deny it, melts away. Yumi is not accusing her of anything. Her little sister is expressing concern.

-I guess it does sound that way.

Youko concedes.

-I'm still not used to spending so much time on my own. I'm going into my fourth year, and this is when the competition for internships really heats up, so I'll be even more swamped with work. I have friends, and study groups, so I don't spend all my time alone, but a lot of it is. I'll meet someone eventually.

-When you're ready.

Yumi says, shovelling in the rest of her curry. Youko tells her there is more if she wants it, and Yumi practically runs to the kitchen, as if it is going somewhere. She asks if anyone else wants some, hears that they both do, so Yumi just brings the pot, much to Youko's amusement. Sei hops up and grabs a book for the pot to stand on, and they all help themselves again. The conversation moves on from Youko, much to her relief, and Sei tells her she is submitting manuscripts to agents, and she has been taken up. Youko raises her eyebrows, and asks if any publishers are showing interest yet. Sei says the response has been gratifying, but only one has been serious.

-But do you know what's weird?

-Of course I don't.

Sei laughs and agrees.

-It's the same publisher as Forest of Thorns, remember that? They actually said they would be interested in investing. I didn't know until Yumi pointed it out.

Youko looks over at Yumi, who looks rather proud over Sei. Rightly so. But there is something in her smile. One of Yumi's secrets. Youko seriously doubts that Yumi had anything to do with Sei getting picked up, but she knows something about it. Youko takes a mental note to ask Yumi about it when they are alone again.

-Congratulations, Sei.

Youko says, extremely happy for her.

-Well, it's still in the early stages, so there is a chance it may not happen. But thank you.

-What's it about?

Youko asks, very interested in what Sei wrote about.

-Love.

Sei says, and leaves it at that. Youko makes 'go on' faces at Sei, but Sei remains mysterious. Or rather, embarrassed. She also sees that Yumi is not as shy about Sei's accomplishments, and goes to get something from their desk.

-Can I?

Yumi asks Sei, dangling a data key from her hand. Sei turns to Youko.

-Do you want to read it? This is the original, before any professional editing. A bit of a mess, actually.

-I want to, if you don't mind me reading it?

-I don't mind. Just don't correct me on grammar and spelling!

-I promise.

Youko smiles at Sei, who smiles back. She already has an idea what Sei wrote about. Yumi drops the key into Youko's hand, and she puts it in her pocket. She is looking forward to reading it. She had wondered what Sei would end up doing, what career path she would choose. She never thought of writer, but it suits Sei. It is a solitary pursuit where Sei can make her own rules. The thought of Sei as a writer pleases Youko.

-Cake? Ice cream?

Sei asks eventually, beginning to pick up plates. Yumi gets the pot and they ferry things to the kitchen. Youko feels no compunction to help them. Cook does not do dishes. Youko decides today is not the day to hold back and says both, earning her a cheer from the kitchen. Then she hears Yumi say that Sei really did eat some of the cake. Youko starts laughing quietly behind the couch, glad they sat on the floor to eat. Sei defends herself, saying that she did not know when dinner would be because the Chinensis sisters were chatting. Yumi mutters something about impulse control issues. Youko covers her mouth, not wanting to draw attention to herself. Sei says something so quietly, that Youko cannot hear her, but Yumi giggles. She tells Sei to go and sit down. Sei comes back with a grin, followed by Yumi with a blush, balancing three bowls of cake and ice cream. It is as if Yumi read Youko's unspoken thought about not holding back.

-You have a generous hand, Yumi.

Youko says, eyeing up the bowl. Sei, obviously used to it, is already digging in. Yumi hands Youko a spoon.

-It's a special occasion.

Yumi informs her, attacking her own dessert with vigour. Youko tilts her head to one side, questioning.

-You're here.

And Yumi smiles so sweetly at her, that Youko feels butterflies in her stomach. Youko reaches out with her free hand, and strokes Yumi again.

-Never stood a chance.

Youko has to say again because it is true, and Yumi shakes her head at her. They finish dessert, and they move on to tea, still talking, still laughing, still joking, connecting. They play wii and Youko hopes she can burn off some of her dessert getting trounced by Yumi in tennis, and then laughing as she watches Sei annihilate Yumi. Eventually, Youko looks at her watch, and the lateness of the hour startles her. She says that she really should head home, to which Yumi makes the offer for her to stay over and eat the rest of the cake. Youko laughs, and says she has a lot to do over the next couple of days, so she should really get home. Sei offers to drive her, but Youko refuses, saying it is far too late. Sei insists, then Yumi insists, and Youko is won over. As Sei goes to get their jackets, Youko makes arrangements to see Yumi tomorrow. It is not often that Youko is home for so long, and she is determined to make the most of it. Youko, who generally needs no excuse to see Yumi, wants to chase up that little secret smile she registered earlier.

Youko hugs Yumi to her, trying to put all she can into it, because of what they discussed. She is trying to convey with her body that she hopes Yumi will be ok with her past actions, and allow her wound to heal. Like physical wounds, perhaps letting the air at it will help it heal quicker. She releases her when she sees Sei hovering with her coat. As Sei helps her on with it, Yumi runs to the kitchen, and comes back with the cake box, presenting Youko with the rest of the cake. Sei, generous as always, had bought a large cake and there was plenty left despite Yumi's servings and Sei's initial helping. Youko declines, but Yumi insists. They back and forth on it for a while, until Youko gives in. Eventually, they make it to their shoes. Yumi walks with them to the lift, and waits with them as they call it. She requests a hot chocolate from Sei on her way back. Youko wonders aloud how Yumi can fit in more after her cake and ice cream. Sei informs her that Yumi has a second stomach for sweet things that seems to be bottomless. Yumi says she is giving the rest of the cake to Youko, because Sei has to watch her weight now that she is getting older. Sei staggers as if been shot, her hand over her heart, wounded look on her face. She tells Yumi she is going to drink her hot chocolate, and let her smell the empty cup when she comes home. Youko is laughing again as the lift arrives, and after Yumi gives an affectionate kiss on the cheek to Sei, and a blows one to Youko, they leave Yumi.

Youko and Sei chat on the way down to the basement car park, about the sumo competitions, and who they like for the pros coming up. This is on-going as they exit the lift, and Youko sees that Sei still has her yellow beetle. She always liked Sei's car, finding it oddly fitting for her, when others thought she would buy something slicker. Sei beeps it open, and she holds open the door for Youko. Youko is glad she is getting a lift. She is a bit of a ways from Harajuku, which is why she did not argue too much with Sei. Had it still been light, she would have taken the train, but at night she would be nervous. Youko asks Sei where she is going to get hot chocolate at this time of night, and Sei tells her that there is a café a few minutes' walk from their building that they practically live in, and it seems Coffee Man rarely sleeps, because no matter what time either of them goes there, he is open for trade. Coffee Man? Yes, Coffee Man. They have been going there for years, and they still do not know the owner's name, and are now too embarrassed to ask.

Sei puts on the radio, and they are quiet as they exit the car park and pull into the constant stream of traffic in these parts, which is only marginally lighter in comparison to the early evening, so they make quite good progress.

-When did Yumi get so good looking?

Youko asks, genuinely curious how she could have missed it. She always thought Yumi was very cute, in a cuddly, pettable way. She has as expressive face, and soft brown eyes, and it would be easy to be fooled by them. Youko had usually found it difficult to put her finger on why Yumi was so attractive. Something that could only be termed 'Yumi-ness'.

-Ah, she was always very cute, Youko.

Sei says, giving what sounds like the perfect girlfriend answer.

-But she's past cute now. She's gorgeous.

-Hey, don't make me worry about you.

Sei replies, mock serious. Youko laughs.

-She's safe, she's safe. She is lovely, though. My little sister is all grown up.

-Making you sentimental?

Sei teases, as they finally pass out of her district and move into the next.

-A little. I keep wanting to see her with pigtails and ribbons, even though she had stopped wearing her hair like that before Christmas of her first year. Then I look at her with her boobs and her legs, and that smile. Maybe she should be the captain of the SS Heartbreaker.

Sei laughs at this.

-I know, I know. I look at her all the time and I know. I sometimes wonder who the woman is sleeping beside me. I think university life suits her.

-I think life with you suits her.

Youko says, making a point. Sei smiles.

-I think so too. I'm suited to Yumi-life, so that works out well.

They are quiet after that as they sail into a quieter suburban part of Tokyo.

-I love driving at night.

Sei says out of the blue. Youko has nothing to say to this, merely accepting the randomness of Sei's conversation. She instead listens to the radio and enjoys being alone with Sei. It feels slightly unreal driving through the night with her. She wonders if she had been braver years ago, would she be the one living in Harajuku with Sei? But that thought now is more out of habit than any real regret. The more she sees Sei and Yumi together, the more certain she is that no matter how brave she had been, there is no way she could have been with Sei in any meaningful way. She is definitely not sure if she could be with Sei in a sexual way, and that is the crux on which her conflict always sat. Though she finds Sei attractive, when she thinks of sharing a bed with Sei, or doing what Tsutako-san said she saw Yumi doing with Sei, she cannot replace Yumi with herself. The farthest her fantasies ever got was kissing Sei. She had definitely thought about that. Sitting in Sei's car with her, after spending the day with her and Yumi, that sense of certainty settles more firmly about her.

_I don't think I could have done that_. Sei is very beautiful, and Yumi was right earlier on when she listed some of the qualities that make Sei attractive, she does indeed tick some large boxes…and yet. She thinks of the energy that Sei and Yumi have, the heat they generate just from being around each other, and she knows. That was never between her and Sei. What Sei has with Yumi seemed to be immediate. Even if they did not know it, their bodies did, because Sei would have chased Yumi without any prodding from Youko, and Yumi wanted to be caught. That was never the case with Youko and Sei. There was never anything like that; Youko knows this also, as she begins to recognise some of the streets of her neighbourhood, that she can never have that with Sei. Sei and Yumi knew what they wanted from each other, and they wanted it at the same time. Youko was never sure what she wanted from Sei, if anything at all. She cannot even define if what she felt for Sei was lust. Could she have had sex with Sei in the Rose Mansion? No, she certainly would not, could not, have. Could Yumi? She started it!

Youko feels a little melancholy at the idea. She thinks that she could not have been what Sei needed. Sei does not just need to be in love; she needs to be a lover. Seeing her with Yumi, and knowing what she knows now, she realises that Sei needs her passion to be matched for her to be happy. Yumi can do that. That and more. Shiori could not do that. Katou-san, who knew Sei for two years and they did nothing but talk, could not. And no, Youko could not either. She has a vision of what it would have been like had she confessed her crush to Sei, had she gotten Sei and the right time and told her that she liked her. She would have lost Sei. Sei would have felt betrayed in some way. Sei, despite their differences of opinion on occasions, despite how Sei winds her up, likes having Youko for a friend. She has said that once or twice. And Youko really, really likes having Sei as her friend. This thought does not quite put to bed some of her more persistent longings, but she feels better. Calmer, somehow.

-Tired?

Sei asks, as she glides the car to Youko's house. As if on cue, she yawns.

-It's been a long day.

-We shouldn't have kept you so long.

-Not at all. I really enjoyed today. Like every time with you, it was emotional and fun at the same time.

-It's a gift, being able to pull that off.

Youko snorts at this as Sei puts the car in neutral and idles outside the house.

-Are you going to go see Sachiko again before you go?

Sei asks, dancing her long fingers over the top of the steering wheel.

-After I see Yumi tomorrow, I'll probably go and spend the night with her.

They sit for a while, talking about Sachiko being married. How she seemed to be reconciling herself to being married to Kashiwagi. They get on just fine, but they still do not live together, even after three years of marriage. Sei asks if that is ok, and what do the family have to say? Youko answers that they are both busy with college and various parts of the business, and Kashiwagi is usually sent abroad to deal with their internationals. Considering they were married so young, and they are cousins, it is not that unusual for them not to live in the same house. Sei asks if children are a possibility. Youko says that Sachiko plans to try as soon as she finishes college. Sei expresses surprise at this. She thought Sachiko would not. Youko tells her that Sachiko never hated the idea of being a mother, just the thought of not having a choice. Sachiko is adamant that no one is putting pressure on her, and that she came to the decision on her own. Youko does not tell Sei that Sachiko also said that she wants to get it over and done with. A child will be expected from the union at some point, so she thought she would have one while she is young, before she settles into a career. That is Sachiko's business and nobody else's.

They talk for a while longer, about this and that. It is good to talk with Sei. She misses her friend when she is in college. Even after all this time, she still misses her. Eventually, it is time for Youko to go. She is not sure when she will see Sei again, but she will, and that is the main thing. She can see Sei whenever she wants, and Sei will be happy to see her. Youko gets out of the car with the cake box and shuts the door. Sei buzzes down the window and they say goodbye again. She waits for Youko to close the gate behind her, and then she flashes her lights in farewell. Youko watches her drive off. Youko walks up the driveway, and lets herself in. Her parents, night owls both, are still up, and greet her when she comes into the kitchen, where her mother is helping her father sort through documents for a case. There are boxes stacked along the counters. This is not an unusual sight for Youko. Growing up with both parents practicing lawyers, they often brought their work home, and sometimes employees from their practice. Her mother does criminal, and her father does corporate. Youko herself is edging toward her mother's side.

They ask after Sei, who they met numerous times during her high school years, and were quite fond of her. Youko, with many omissions, fills them in on her day with Sei and Yumi. They never met Yumi, but they talk about her like they have, because Youko often spoke about her at home. She gets plates, and shares out the rest of the cake with them. As she chats with her parents, whom she always got along well with, she discovers that she feels ok. That somewhere along the line, Sei stopped being a mysterious object to her, stopped being 'tragic Sei' and became normal, happy Sei. Still passionate, still sensitive, but better somehow. She became real to Youko, with ordinary problems and worries, who cracks jokes and loves her girlfriend, a woman who drives a yellow beetle and is going to be a writer. Yumi says that she loves Sei more now than she did in high school. Youko agrees. She too, likes Sei more now as a person than she did then. Because Sei is more likeable, and Youko is far enough away from high school now to put Sei in perspective.

Eating cake and listening to her father tell her about the client that is keeping her parents busy this late on a Saturday night, Youko is glad she never told Sei how she felt, and to a lesser extent, how she feels now. Perhaps it was not cowardice that held her back, but prudence. So she is glad she can still have Sei as her friend. They finish the cake, and Youko makes them more coffee. She asks if she can lend a hand, but they wave her off, telling her she does not need to work on her holiday. She does not argue with them, because it has been a long day. Youko washes the plates, and then wishes her parents a good night. They say the same, and she heads off to her room.

She enters her room, and flicks on the overhead light, and begins moving her bags around, digging out some of her text books. She lays them out, to remember to study before she goes to meet Yumi in the afternoon. She strips off her layers of clothing; the Mizuno household is a warm one, because her parents detest being cold just as much as their only daughter. She pulls out her pyjamas from under her pillow, and decides against a bath. She can have one in the morning. She goes to her walk in wardrobe to pull out clothes for tomorrow, glancing at her Lillian uniforms still in the drycleaners protective covering. She still has all six of them. Just her high school ones. She could not bring herself to throw them out. There are too many memories attached to them, and at heart, Youko is very sentimental. As she pulls out her outfit for tomorrow, she walks out, but stops at the photographs she has stuck to the back of the doors. There are many pictures, neatly arranged, of various friends and family. Her eyes are drawn to one in particular. It is the one of Sei and her at their graduation. Before Sei and Yumi slipped off with 'Camera-chan', Sei requested a picture of just the two of them. Sei has her arm around Youko's waist, and Youko has her arm around Sei's and with their free hands, they are holding their diplomas. Both of them are smiling into the camera. Youko remembers the emotion of that day. She remembers how it felt to feel Sei that close to her. She remembers saying goodbye to her Rose family and walking down the main avenue with Sei and Eriko for the last time as students. She remembers the relief of finally being done, and she remembers the sadness of finally being done.

_I wonder did she know_? Youko wonders now_. Did she know that I liked her as more than a friend?_ She reaches out her hand, and with a delicate finger, she traces Sei's face. _Regardless of how you thought of yourself, I always thought you were cool_. Youko laughs quietly, and says good night to the high school Sei and Youko. She closes the doors of her wardrobe and hangs her tomorrow clothes on the back of her bedroom door. She removes her underwear, and puts on her pyjamas. She is still smiling as she slips under the covers, as she feels sleep tugging at her. After tonight, after spending time with Sei and Yumi as a couple, Youko, if she was still to feel it, wonders who she would feel jealous of now? She yawns, a jaw cracking yawn, and punches her pillow into submission, she rolls on her belly to say goodbye to her last vestige of conscious thought. _Who indeed?_

Over and Out.


	11. There You Are

7. One's Times

10. There You Are

1.

Sei rolls over in her bed and meets another body. _What?_ It is dark in her bedroom, and it is winter, so it must be pretty early. The central heating is on, because her shoulders outside of the covers are not cold, and that usually kicks on at 6.00 am. Sei has this timed precisely. 6.00 am and 6.00 pm. Her parents are generous in their monthly allowance, but she has to pay the bills out of it also. And utilities are not cheap. This was her father's idea to teach Sei how to be independent. Sei thinks that this is an excuse so he does not feel guilty about basically abandoning her while her parents attend to his career elsewhere. She has learnt to be frugal, so she has more money for fun things, like books and dvds. Still half asleep, she gropes at the other body in her bed, and a gentle groan results from her endeavours, and that is when Sei thinks _Yumi_, and smiles. This thought is followed quickly by: _what a week__!_ Sei slips her arm under Yumi's neck and spoons her naked body against Yumi's. Yumi snuggles back into her making the cutest snuffly noises, sort of talking, sort of whimpering. She loops her other arm around Yumi's waist, squeezing her even closer. The heat this girl generates, Sei thinks, marvelling at the feel of Yumi's skin against hers, the softness of her belly under her hand. _Christ_, she thinks, _I lost my virginity to Fukuzawa Yumi!_ She huffs a laugh into Yumi's hair, causing Yumi to mumble in her sleep. Sei tells her to hush, that it is not time yet. There is no further response, so Yumi must have taken her at her word, and retreated back into Yumi dream land. _What do you dream of, Yumi?_

Sei wants to know these things. She wants to know Yumi's dreams and what she does when she is alone and what she is thinking. She wants to know, because suddenly, Yumi is a mystery to her. The girl she could read in an instant has become unknowable. Feeling the warmth of Yumi's buttocks against her groin, she wonders when that happened. When was it she realised she wanted her? Gentle, easily flustered Yumi; clever, funny Yumi, who only shows her true personality in private. One of the reasons why she likes to be alone with Yumi, apart from wanting to touch her, is that Yumi is different one-on-one. She is flirty without realising it which makes her all the more alluring. She is witty, and despite first impressions, she is more than able for Sei. _Well able for me_. Freeing her hand from Yumi's mid drift, she brushes back hair from her neck, and kisses her there, noticing that Yumi smells different when she is asleep. She does not want to go to school. She wants to skip and spend the whole day here, just the two of them, away from the world, where Sei has to share Yumi with others.

Sei knows she has to watch that line of thinking. It was just this that got her in trouble before. She had wanted to do the same thing with Shiori. But then, she did not know what exactly it was she wanted from Shiori, not really. She did not understand her attraction to her, did not understand why she wanted to be alone with her, wanted to touch her, wanted to have her close. That realisation came after, along with the knowing that she could not have that from Shiori. That had subtly cut deeper than the break at the train station, when her Onee-sama had come to tell her it was impossible. That Sei had to remember that Shiori was only sixteen, and is scared and unsure of many things, and when faced with Sei's love, how could she say no? So she ran, leaving a note with Youko.

But Yumi is sixteen, Sei thinks now, holding Yumi even closer. Yumi is the same age Shiori was, and she is not afraid. Yumi, however, is the polar opposite of Shiori. For a start, she does not want to be a nun. Sei laughs quietly again when she thinks of the last few days. Certainly not! But is this right? She thinks of what Youko said to her yesterday, before they met Yumi at the gate. She asked Sei what she was doing. And Sei, in so many words, said she was falling in love, and it was as simple as that. Simple, Sei wonders, kissing Yumi's neck again, torn between wanting to wake Yumi up and letting her get more sleep. Is anything about this simple? Sei wants it to be, and right now it is. It is just them here, in her bed, in her world. She runs her hand over Yumi's body, loving the feel of it, delighting in the fine texture of Yumi's skin, the softly curving hip, the gentle swell of her breast, listening to the deep breathing of her sleep, of her dreams. She decides she wants Yumi to wake up. The closeness and heat of Yumi is turning her on, and she wants to make love again. They can do this again, Sei thinks, so happy she doubts the reality of it. This cannot possibly be real, that she is lying here with Yumi and she can do these things with Yumi. She can touch her and kiss her and show her how she feels about her, how Yumi makes her feel. The thought is making her frantic, and she tilts Yumi's face gently toward her, and she is kissing her lips, her dangerous lips, soft with sleep. _Wake up Yumi_, Sei thinks, wanting to feel Yumi's hands on her. Feel them in her hair and on her body and she wants to feel Yumi's legs around her, pulling her in, holding her in place, wanting her, her touch, her love, unafraid, knowing, welcoming.

_Wanting me_, Sei thinks, delirious with the fire that Yumi sparks in her, wanting to hear Yumi say her name in that way, that particular timbre that makes Sei think she is losing her mind, that makes her drive herself against Yumi, dying with the feeling in her body, the needs of her heart. _Please wake up_, Sei silently begs, kissing a little more insistently, wanting Yumi to respond, to say her name, to kiss her back, to help her close the door on the abyss of loneliness that she had been fighting since she was so young. _Tell me you want me, tell me you need me, and I will shift this world on its axis for you_. And like flicking on a switch, Yumi is awake, awake to Sei, and not at all put out that Sei is kissing her awake, because Yumi is turning to Sei and she is all lips and hands, and she is pulling Sei on top of her. Yumi is moaning through their kiss, and Sei still cannot believe that she can make Yumi sound like this. Sei finds it immensely pleasurable that Yumi had only made this sound with her.

In this not-quite-real-beneath-the-blankets feeling, Sei meets Yumi in a burst of passion so strong that she feels faint. As Yumi slips a hand between her legs and touches her clit, Sei feels lost. Her mind is nowhere as she breaks the kiss and cries out. Sei, who has touched herself countless times since she discovered it, never knew, how could she, how good it would feel when someone else does it. She cries out again, as Yumi touches the right spot and stays on it, reading Sei as surely as Sei has ever read her. The sensation is so great she has to shout her pleasure, because to keep it in would mean madness. And then the alarm goes, giving them both a fright, throwing them off. Yumi laughs, Sei joins her, and they are kissing again as Sei gropes for the alarm clock. She thumps it hard, and it stops squawking at them. She rolls off Yumi and switches on the lamp on her bedside locker. She stretches, hating the fact that she has to get up. Mornings are not her specialty. Sei is not too bad when she has somewhere to be, so pulling herself together is not hard, and she has been getting to school by herself for a long time. The few times she skipped, she discovered, once the novelty wore off, she was actually quite bored, so she decided going to school was the best option. And thus, she only skipped when she had something more important to do than school. Usually, it was something to do with house maintenance.

She swings her legs out of bed and starts slightly when she feels Yumi's hand on her back. She is not used to this. Yumi, who wants to touch her. Yumi's warm hand caresses what she can reach. The small warm pleasure of this act makes Sei want to laugh and cry at the same time. Who knew, she thinks, as she listens to Yumi yawn and her hand settle on her hip, how it would feel to be with Yumi in this way? Who knew Yumi at all? Sei looks over her shoulder at Yumi, who is quite awake she sees. She watches with fascination as Yumi's other hand comes out from under the blankets and wipes at her eyes. It is the same kind of fascination that Sei has always had for Yumi. Yumi who is oh, so interesting. She smiles, and fights against her instinct to hop back into bed with her, and before she really does just decide to hell with it, she stands up on wobbly legs, and commits herself to the morning. She has a slight ache in her groin that reminds her again that she is no longer a virgin. It is not much of an ache, but its presence makes Sei feel giddy. She gets down on her knees and begins pulling their clothes together as they came off in a hurry and they did not care what went where. She is thinking about what she needs to do next. They need to have a shower, and then she needs to feed Yumi, as per Yumi's mother's instructions, she needs to get them to the station. They did no homework last night, so she should get that sorted as soon as they get to school.

She hears Yumi moving around behind her, and she thinks that their morning was rudely interrupted and she still wants Yumi. Yumi pads over to her, wearing a sheet toga style. Sei laughs over Yumi's modesty this morning, not at all understanding where it could be coming from. She apologises that they will not have time for a bath, which is a nice thing to have in the morning, and Yumi suggests that they could save time by showering together. Yumi says this casually, but the heat in Sei's body immediately intensifies, and she can almost see it jump from her to Yumi, as Yumi realises what she just said, and smiles at Sei in that particular way, a way she never thought she would see on Yumi. It is an adult smile, full of want and promise. _And just for me_, Sei thinks, surprised all over again. She watches Yumi drop the sheet in response to whatever she reads in Sei and walk to her, who is turning and standing. They meet in a kiss and once again, the feeling of Yumi being here, in this house that Sei dislikes, amazes her, brightens her, enlivens her, and she begins to move them toward the door.

Just like in the greenhouse, Yumi is chasing off old demons that haunt Sei, burning and cleansing the dark places of her in the heat of her desire. As they stumble and kiss and laugh their way to the bathroom, Sei feels herself become less jagged inside. Softening and blending into something new. That the smile of Yumi would do this to her, breath this into her is a startling discovery, a treasure unearthed in the most unusual place. Sei manages to flick on the light in the bathroom just as Yumi finds her nipple with her mouth, leaving her breathless. Yumi's mouth is on her breasts and her hands…where are her hands going?

-Yumi, shower, we have to get in the shower.

Yumi kisses her way up Sei's chest to her neck. Sei can feel all of Yumi pressing against her, and the feeling of this in her bathroom of all places, is so singular, that Sei is not sure of reality anymore. The floor under her feet seems to shift slightly, her world tilts, and she wonders if she is still asleep_. Am I dreaming? Am I hallucinating?_ Then Yumi's hands are on her face, and her large brown eyes are meeting Sei's and Sei knows she is awake, that this is real. _Because there you are._

2.

Sei is walking the grounds of Lillian. Prowling may actually be a better way to describe her at this point. Yumi has started insisting that she spend some of her lunch times with Yoshino and Shimako, and Sei, who would love to monopolise her but cannot, finds herself at a loose end. She is sure she could be filling her time more constructively. There is always Yamayurikai work to do. She could go and chase up some of the clubs she looks after for their paperwork, or maybe just to hang out. She could be, god forbid, studying. She usually goes to feed the cat at lunchtime, for Sei loves cats, and fingers the small packet of dry food she carries in her pocket, but Goronta has not shown up today at his usual haunts. Sometimes, she just walks the grounds until she hears the bell. Sometimes, she goes to the Rose Mansion to play with whoever is there, and if it is empty, she will either just look out the window, or go and read in the store room. Sometimes, she stays in the classroom and provokes Eriko into a spat. And just for a giggle, she may drag Youko into it. Poor Youko, Sei thinks, smiling. She really likes Youko, even if she is interfering. She likes the fact that Youko cares enough to interfere. And Sei knows that Youko's interference is based on more than just caring for a friend. But Sei will never bring it up, and she hopes that Youko does not either. She has been aware of Youko's little crush since first year, and she is very careful with Youko not to incite it in any way.

Sei walks beside the cherry blossom trees, now bare and spindly at this time of the year, yet still remaining impressive, she leans against one and thinks about the Chinensis family. She was always a favourite with them for some reason. Youko's Onee-sama had been extraordinarily fond of her, liking to play with her long hair and feed her. Spoil her. Spoiled her more than she did Youko, much to Youko's well-concealed annoyance. Sei used to let her because she knew it annoyed Youko. If only Youko knew how much she disliked the familiarity of Youko's Onee-sama. She did not mind her own, because it came from a different place. There was genuine warmth and caring in her actions. She left Sei to her own devices, but when it was important, she was there, refusing to give up on her, wanting her and loving her. When she said that she wanted Sei because she loved her face, the relief Sei felt was great. She decided that this was the Onee-sama for her based on that, and also because Rosa Gigantea en bouton was just not going to leave her alone. She was embarrassed at first, and then she was flattered. And Sei felt no obligation to do anything but bring her face for her Onee-sama to gaze upon, and the girl would leave her alone. Of course, there was so much more to it, but her Onee-sama handled her subtly and well, and Sei genuinely loved her for it. It did nothing for her aching loneliness, her feeling of disparity and disjointedness, but it felt good to be appreciated for at least one thing, and it was a thing easily understood.

But Youko's Onee-sama was something different. She was a nice girl, and in a general way, when Sei bothered to think of her at all, she was a kind one. The thing she lacked was boundaries, and Sei bristled at every caress, every hug, every compliment. Once, when they were alone, she had hand fed Sei cookies, and it was overall a strange experience, that left her feeling a confusing mixture of anger and excitement. She had slowly placed each piece she broke off against Sei's lips, and watched her eat. Sei never said anything about it, but she was uncomfortable being alone with her after that. Only when Youko was there, would Sei submit, because sometimes, Youko's crush could make her cruel. She never understood what Youko wanted from her, but she would look at Sei when she thought Sei was distracted, and Sei would pretend not to notice. She still does it, but it is far less than it was. Sei suspects that if she has not said anything by now, she is not going to. Girls are very strange.

Although, last minute confessions are not rare, and Sei is already bracing herself for a rash of them, like she did last March, when a slew of them came her way. Her seniors, who if they were not her Onee-sama, or not in the Yamayurikai, she did not pay any attention to them, had decided to fulfil some promise amongst themselves, or so it seemed to Sei. A lot of them from the photography club, actually. Sei is never sure what to think of these confessions. Part of her thinks it is cowardly, to wait until they are leaving and therefore do not have to deal with the consequences of their words. They have done something they wanted to do before they finished high school, and they just used her for that. A smaller part of her admires their bravery, such as it is, to put words to their feelings. But it is the same around valentines. She agrees with Sachiko, who from her first year put her foot down, in a way only she could manage and still remain beloved, and refused all chocolate, because she saw it soon enough, that these people were just using her to fulfil some need in themselves, and she feels no obligation to help them with that.

Yet Sei enjoys the attention in an odd way. She is a little vain about her looks. She knows she stands out. The foreignness of her features, the colour of her hair, her height. These are usually a problem. She is Japanese. Very Japanese, yet thanks to an American grandfather, she will always be marked as different. And yet, as she got older, she did not think this was such a bad thing. She is good looking. She knows it. People are always telling her she is, so she believes it, and this has an effect on the amount of gifts she receives throughout the year. She laughs at this mercenary thought. But she likes sweets, something Yumi discovered early, and usually keeps something for her in her bag. And she will always accept anything that comes in food form. She especially welcomes the gifts that come from the people who seek her out to personally hand her their token of whatever. Last valentines was tough. Shiori had only been gone two months by that stage and Youko had been running her ragged with tasks for the council, which she had been neglecting to do, and her Onee-sama had been letting her away with it. She had no idea there was so much to do. When valentines rolled around, she finally saw how popular she was. Really saw it for the first time. Her Onee-sama had laughed at her reaction, saying that as the most elusive member of the Yamayurikai, she had built up quite a following. Girls love the tragic poet types, and Sei fit the bill nicely.

Up to that point, Sei had binned letters she found in her locker or desk, or wherever. She ate whatever was there without thinking about it. If anyone approached her, she thanked them, but could be cold and thoughtless of their feelings, and yet that did not stop them. They seemed to expect it, and accept it as part of the role their little culture had assigned her. And she played it so well without ever knowing she was doing it. But last valentines, something had changed in Sei. Shiori, it could be said, cracked a glass, which did not mean that all of the ramifications were bad. Now, leaning against the tree in the cold grounds, Sei thinks of her Onee-sama's words, that there would come a time when she was glad she met Shiori, glad she let her in, glad she managed to feel anything. For the first time, Sei began to accept friendship. First it was Youko, and then of was the whole school. They had assigned her a place, but that did not mean she had to stay in it, that did not mean they did not care. She began to read the letters. These outpourings of adolescent hormones, that right then, were directed at her. She never told anyone that she was reading them, and she never chased up the signed ones, but she felt them.

She felt these girls who were driven to put pen to paper, or come to her to tell her how much they 'admired' her, or outright said they liked her, and would she like to go out sometime. The latter are the ones she likes the most. They are honest, to the point, and cheerfully lacking euphemism. Sei, who never felt herself to possess many admirable traits, would do her best to be gentle, because she suddenly understood how hard it was for them to approach her, Rosa Gigantea en bouton, Lillian royalty, and dare to ask her out! Sei would laugh at it, but it was so heartfelt. They really thought that. She would be flirty and funny with the first years, and kind and respectful with the third years. It was especially hard on them, because they were meant to be above such things, and it was almost like cheating when they had petite soeurs. That in itself was a weird way to look at it, but it was.

Of course, it was hardest of all for her classmates. It is deeply uncool to have feelings for a contemporary, something that Youko is probably very aware of. One reason is because there is no excuse for it. One could admire a senior, and it would be perfectly acceptable to rhapsodise about her virtues, or her looks, or her accomplishments. That was just fine. Equally, if was justified to be besotted with a first year, because the prospect of becoming an Onee-sama became important in the second year, and people in clubs, usually, were very gung-ho about it. One could talk about the first years in very particular terms, that everybody understood, and it was definitely romantic, but not specifically saying it. But still, her classmates would privately show interest, even if outwardly they were never sure about her. She did not get on well with them, and when she became a member of the Yamayurikai, she became untouchable in a way. But they would on occasion confess feelings for her. She would be herself with them, but she would never mock them, like she would in another circumstance. She understood by that stage how delicate the heart, how easily bruised the ego. She did not hate her classmates, she just did not know them very well, and that is the excuse she would always use. It seemed to say all it needed to say, and they would leave it at that. She had more than once recognised handwriting in a letter or note that belonged to some of her classmates, and these were always unsigned.

There is a girl, Sei thinks of her now, who oddly enough has always managed to be in the same class as her since kindergarten. Hanzaki Tomiko. In all those years, they have probably exchanged fewer than a hundred words, which is nothing for fourteen years of sharing the same classrooms. Yet she writes the most beautiful letters to Sei, and has done since elementary school. She has a very distinctive script, and even if Sei never read them before her second year of high school, she always knew it was her, because she writes the kanji for Sei's name in a very particular way. Sei makes a mental note to somehow thank Tomiko before she leaves. She wonders of she will go to Lillian College with her as well, and they can continue on for another four years of letters.

Sei thinks of the Chinensis family again, full of people who want to know her. Youko, who she has to admit, is her best friend. Sachiko. What thoughts she has on that girl. The beautiful, stiff Sachiko. Who was not so stiff a few weeks ago. Sei puts a lid on those thoughts. While she was amazed at how much she enjoyed that afternoon, she cannot spend much time thinking about it. She also cannot regret it. No one else will get to do what she did, and for that reason alone, she cannot regret it, but in the back of her mind, she feels like she did Sachiko a disservice. That they were cruel to give her just one afternoon, that she allowed Yumi to be with her, even though Yumi could have done it behind her back, she chose not to. Sei has always felt a little protective of Sachiko, though it is a rare thing for her to admit it. She feels a connection with her. There was something sad about the girl, and Sei completely understands why Youko lost her mind over her. The girl who's name precedes her, who's looks are a curse, and before whom people are a little bit fearful. Like Sei, she did not make friends easily, but the grounded Hasekura Rei remained unruffled by Sachiko, and liked her enough to want to win her friendship, and was liked enough in return to be given it. Like Sei, Sachiko prefers to be left alone, but just by being who she is, she would have little choice in the matter. And like Sei, her arrival in the high school caused a well behaved lady-like riot among the second years, who even as they vied for her attention, were then too scared to approach her, such was the charisma of Ogasawara Sachiko. Sei's money was always on Youko, especially when Eriko's and Youko's Onee-samas nudged her that way.

And then this year, a new addition to the Chinensis family in the shape of Fukuzawa Yumi with the least enigmatic face imaginable. But that was it, was it not? Yumi hides in plain view, and not at all what she appears to be. She is loving and it makes her brave. After a few stuttering starts, she found her stride with Sachiko, and she was even less hesitant with Sei. By the time the Rosas were forcing Sachiko into acquiring a petite soeur, Sei had met Shimako. And she really was enigmatic. It was here, now that Sei thinks of it, turning so her cheek is against the cold bark of the sleeping tree, perhaps dreaming like a human, looking down the path she first saw the girl who would become her petite soeur, who ran away from her then, taking part of Sei's heart with her. Sei was captivated by Shimako, even then, but she was also scared of her. Scared of herself. She looked at Shimako and saw Shiori all over again. She had the same light, and Sei admired it, she wanted it, wanted to understand it, and she was scared of falling for Shimako and hurting her, driving her away, messing up her life. She even wanted to be a nun, as Sei found out later.

Of course, she is glad she was able to take Shimako as a petite soeur. It was an eye-opener, having to care for someone. She does not doubt that she made mistakes with Shimako, perhaps keeping her too far away, but she refused to have her dependent on her. That was too much responsibility, but it did help her grow up, emotionally speaking. Sei thinks of Shimako a lot, more than she says. She likes their unspoken support of each other. Likes that they do not rely on each other too much. Sei's life would be poorer with the absence of Shimako. Shimako who loves her, and is perhaps a little in love with her. And that is why the difference. At their age, it is too easy to confuse the different types of love, and she does not want that confusion for Shimako. Sei loves Shimako back, and if she was a weaker person, she might have allowed the different loves to deliberately blur, but she does not. She loves her, and loves her as much as she can, but from a distance. About half way through the year, she stopped being afraid, when she realised that her feeling were not of another sort. She truly cares for Shimako, and has come to think of Shimako as something like a cousin, or niece she is particularly fond of, but nothing more. It was a great relief to look at Shimako, and feel only that. She cannot speak for Shimako, and they have never had that conversation, but she keeps her distance, because Shimako should grow without her, and should not get confused along the way.

And then she is back to Yumi. Sei pushes off the tree and begins an unhurried amble toward the Rose Mansion, where she knows Yumi is. _Are you thinking of me?_ As soon as Sei saw Yumi, she liked her. She liked her readable face, her pigtails, her quiet pride. She liked that she stood up for herself in a room full of the student council. There was something so refreshing about her lack of pretentiousness that Sei immediately took to her. Of course, Sei knows Yumi a lot better now, and knows a few of Yumi's secrets, Yumi who does not wear her hair in pigtails anymore. She knows how perceptive Yumi is. She knows how sexual she is, how unafraid she is. She gets highly emotional sometimes, but it never lasts long. She knows too, that Yumi often keeps her most worrisome thoughts to herself, under the idea that she is a burden. But Sei never thought so. She has, on occasion, had to force them out of her, and she thinks that this must be some insecurity. She hopes that Yumi will become more open with her. She wants to know all about Yumi, even if it takes her forever. With her hands thrust deep into her gabardine pockets, she is nearly at the Rose Mansion, on the pretext of wanting someone to make her tea, but really, just wanting to be in the same room as Yumi, wanting to breathe the same air. _I love you, Yumi_, Sei thinks as she opens the door to the place where she and Yumi made some great memories. She climbs the creaky stairs, her pulse picking up when she hears Yumi's laugh.

She wants to hear the other laugh Yumi has, the one only Sei hears, the one after she comes_. You minx,_ Sei thinks, smiling as she reaches the weirdly shaped door. She opens it, and the three petite soeurs are there, laughing over something that Sei is sure she will be informed about. Sei's eyes are immediately on Yumi's, her Yumi who is happy to see her. _There you are_, Yumi says in their easy silent language. _Yes, here I am_, Sei says back.

3.

Sei never realised how hard it would be to say goodbye to Yumi. Even though she would be attending college right next door, this special bubble of existence contained by the grounds of the high school is about to burst. So Sei is becoming desperate. She sees the mirror of it in Yumi, who has become quite bold about her desire for Sei's company. One day, quite without warning, Yumi comes to the third year classrooms, and Sei thinks something is wrong. In a way she is right about that. Yumi looks very serious and Sei feels the smile die on her face. It is lunch time, and Sei allows Yumi to lead her out onto the grounds before she asks Yumi what was wrong. Yumi says that Sei is leaving, that is what is wrong. Sei feels a generous measure of relief that no one is injured or sick, her first thought is Yoshino having a relapse, but she understands Yumi's situation. Sei slips her hand into Yumi's and she leads her to one of her favourite places, still, behind the chapel. Yumi will not look at her, and Sei knows it is because she is embarrassed over this. That's ok, Sei says. She leans against the back wall, and pulls Yumi to her.

Yumi's embarrassment keeps her stiff against Sei for a while, but then Sei does what she does best, and talks to Yumi, using her voice to lull her. Sei wraps her arms around Yumi's slender shoulders, warming her, keeping her close, loving her, calling to her. Sei's natural reaction to Yumi's closeness these days is want, but that is a very distant thing now. Yumi, who has been brave and strong, is letting her guard down, is not pretending anymore that she is not worrying over the inevitable change in their lives. She does not want Sei as her lover right now. She wants her friend. And Sei finds that she can still be a friend to Yumi. She has been tiptoeing the fine line between lover and friend all along, so this balancing act is nothing new to her. Sei has always tried to take into consideration Yumi's age even if she seems quite mature. Right now, Sei feels Yumi's age. It did not stop her from crossing the line from friend to other, but it held her back, longer than she told Yumi. If Yumi had not expressly invited Sei across her line, Sei probably would not have, or at the least, she would have waited longer. Sei, as she comforts Yumi, thinks of this.

With months of dedicated practice, they have become very accomplished lovers for each other. As they fillet away layers of each other with their mouths and hands, they grow closer and open up more to each other. But there is a confusing little knot in the middle of them; a tangled snarl of friendship and sex, protectiveness and the roles they play publicly and privately. Sei thinks of the day they spent with Sachiko, but she particularly remembers the night before, when Yumi admitted that there was some very deep feelings, feelings of love beyond those of a sisterly nature for Sachiko. She remembers her immediate anger, and then the net of friendship and seniority caught it and hauled it back in. That knot was personified by Yumi, looking impossibly small, hugging her knees in front of her. Sei had felt a depth of sympathy and empathy so acutely that it took her breath away. She had no idea she was capable of such a powerful combination of emotions, and her anger faded in the face of it, leaving her sad and lonely. It made her cry a little. It was the first time she had been able to process her feelings so completely in so short a time. Yumi had needed her friend and Sei had risen to the challenge of being both friend and lover. And the next day she had done it again. She had done it for two people. The weight of being older had settled on her that day, and had done her best for Sachiko and Yumi. Sei wonders if she should have said no, but really, it is too late for that now. Her window for that action closed as soon as she kissed Sachiko. As the emotions of that time surge through her, like it is happening right now, she has to work to keep her voice at a low register, to maintain the hush-a-bye quality as Yumi melts against her, responding to the magic only Sei can work on her.

This is something Sei knows about Yumi. Yumi, like a cat, has an inbuilt response to tone and touch. Just like Goronta. Sei smiles, and curves her body to hold Yumi closer to her, her heart slowing as she feels Yumi cleave to her, her face against her neck, her head under Sei's chin. This is Sei's control when she does not know what to do, when she feels herself at a loss when it comes to answering some of Yumi's more perceptive questions. Yumi's weakness lies in her tactile nature and Sei knows all the right things to do. Months of dedicated practice.

Sei, much as she hates to admit it to herself, is afraid to say no to Yumi. She is fearful of something or someone taking Yumi away from her. So she opens herself as the best alternative to Yumi. She wants to trust this love between them. She wants to think that Yumi will never leave her. But people go. Something happens, and they leave. There is always something that they would rather do. Sei harbours the notion that it is her fault, that there is something wrong with her, something repellent. She thinks of her friends. She thinks of Youko, who stuck to her like glue when Shiori left. The thinks of Shimako who accepts her Onee-sama's strange brand of guardianship. She even thinks of Eriko, who is her friend despite everything, even when they rip into each other for the sheer joy of being mean to each other, there is no one else in the world she could do that with. Then she thinks of the girl in her arms, who found the fire in Sei and put her hand in it. Yumi tests her; she stretches her and sometimes hurts her. Yumi does not seem to be going anywhere. And yet. And yet…

That deep streak of insecurity gnaws at her, chews on her and makes her afraid. She is afraid that her friends will suddenly find her unworthy. She is afraid when people show her concern. She is afraid that the change in her and Yumi's lives will damage them somehow. She knows Yumi is also afraid of this change in their lives, which is so much bigger than Sei just going next door, or else they would not be here behind the school chapel holding each other. Sei feels the chill of the stone wall seep into her back, resulting in a quiver in her voice. Yumi says her name, and Sei winds another layer around them, telling Yumi that nothing matters, nothing will change them. She wants to believe in what she is saying.

4.

As the weeks go bye, Sei finally takes advantage of being a Rose. The lunchtime spent behind the chapel was a contributing factor. Sei wants to create more time for them, carve it out of their days. So she 'borrows' Yumi at least three times a week. It is coming up to graduation anyway, so teachers do not raise many eyebrows. Perhaps at the sudden conscientiousness of Rosa Gigantea, but nothing more. She takes Yumi from her classes, and hides them away in the many sporadically used rooms and buildings that make up the Lillian high school complex. Sei uses Youko's work ethic against her when she questions her, pointing out the indisputable fact that Yumi and she are ploughing through the work. Sei gets a 'be careful' smile from Youko. And she is careful. As careful as she can be when she is undone by her own need for Yumi, by her own infatuation for the girl, who looks at her with such trust and belief. It scares Sei, from time to time. Not just the intensity of her own feelings, but those of Yumi. Yumi's passion for her surprises her. Yumi is not shy when it comes to her feelings or when they make love. Like the day with Sachiko. It had shocked Sei to her core that Yumi would think of something like that. She had underestimated Yumi in some fundamental way and she had scrambled to deal with it. If Yumi suggested something like that now, Sei would be surprised but not shocked. They know each other better now. Yet there remains something secretive about Yumi that Sei cannot get to. It frustrates her occasionally. The smiles she cannot decipher. The actions she never sees coming. She thought once that she knew Yumi, but with their first kiss, she became an enigma.

Yet in other ways, she knows Yumi better than she knows herself, she feels. She knows what Yumi's reactions to certain things or suggestions will be. She can still make Yumi blush, and she hopes she can continue to do so. She knows how to make her laugh. She knows how to turn her on or make her cuddly. Sei has always known what the right things to say to Yumi, because in some ways, she is very simple. To put it a better way, she likes simplicity, and that is quite different. Which is why, when Sachiko tugged on their soeur bonds, she was so upset. It was an emotional complication that neither of them dealt with particularly well, but she thinks that they probably did the best they could. Which is why, Sei thinks, as Yumi sits on her lap in a rarely used meeting room, kissing Sei like she may turn out to be a dream and she better make the most of it, Yumi likes sex so much. There is a simplicity in it. It is relatively straight forward, especially as the two of them are so compatible. There is a nagging in the back of Sei's mind that Yumi is using sex to vent. Part of her applauds and appreciates it, the part of her that is given over to purely sensuous pursuits, but she thinks she should talk to Yumi about it, figure out why Yumi uses sex this way, even though she loves Sei, and perhaps figure out why she lets Yumi do it. As Yumi tilts back Sei's head and kisses her neck, trailing pleasure across an exceptionally sensitive area, Sei's thoughts dissolve into a puddle of desire and affection. Some other time.

As they travel through the weeks and graduation is nearly upon them they are becoming more and more ardent. And trailing in its wake is indiscretion. Sei knows better, she really does, but she is as susceptible to the atmosphere that coats the school at this time of the year as anyone else. She is infected by that teenage way of looking at time, that it is now or never, and if there was anything she wants to do before she finishes high school, now is the time to do it. She also knows that familiarity breeds contempt, yet she still manages to acquire the idea that they are bullet proof, and they will never be caught. Her better judgement is eroded by the thought that in a matter of days, she will no longer be in this school with Yumi. She is blissful at the other thought that she can finally throw away her uniform. But Yumi is sad. And this makes Sei sad. Sad and indulgent with the both of them. So whatever Yumi wants, Yumi gets. And to ease herself, she is seeking Yumi with greater frequency, risk be damned. She loves Yumi in empty classrooms while students pass by outside. She loves her in the library, the quiet stacks down the back with the spare textbooks and records. And she loves her in the chapel, and that is particularly satisfying for Sei.

She makes love to Yumi early one Saturday morning in the chapel, right in front of Maria-sama's blank and uncaring gaze, and kills another demon lurking in her. This is one of the few times that Yumi wants to refuse her, but Sei, using every tool at her disposal, persuades her. Sei is full of Shiori this morning. She woke up feeling vaguely depressed and it makes her introspective, so Shiori is close at hand. She had no Yumi to distract her from it, to give her something else to focus on, so she is left with her thoughts, and an unease that makes her anxious and restless. Shiori, the girl Sei loved and never really knew. The girl who slapped Sei's face for daring to show Shirori how much she loved her in front of a statue. Yumi does not slap Sei's face. She kisses it instead, turning her back on Maria-sama, and giving Sei everything she asks her for and more. As Yumi straddles her lap, and Sei eases two of her fingers into Yumi, cradling her head with her free hand, she looks at Maria-sama over Yumi's shoulder. _I dare you_, Sei says to her as Yumi's wetness covers her hand, as Yumi tells her she loves her over and over, her voice taking on a ragged hoarse quality that drives Sei to her knees between the pews onto the kneeler, to increase her contact with Yumi. _I dare you to try and take her from me._

While Shiori is not entirely laid to rest, Sei finds she can breathe easier when she thinks of her. It makes her love Yumi more, who is walking beside her holding her hand, blushing at what they just did in such a place. She knows Yumi has no particularly strong religious leanings, but her indoctrination in this place has left her with a healthy respect for Catholicism. Sei almost feels bad for insisting, but she had to do it. The fact that Yumi in some way understood it enough to go along with her makes her love Yumi even more and wonder at the deeper meaning of physical intimacy. They are nearly at the Rose Mansion, and they reluctantly let go of each other's hands, but Yumi sneakily hangs onto the back of her sleeve, not yet wanting to give up the morning. Sei often thinks of what she shares with Yumi, and about sex in general. The addictive quality of it and her slavish responses to it. How she cannot be in the same room as Yumi without wanting her, and she thinks about her, and her body, and it is like she developed x-ray vision and she can see right through Yumi's uniform. This morning is the first time she consciously thinks about the curative properties of sex. She had been peripherally aware of the idea when she was with Yumi in the greenhouse, the many times she was with Yumi in the greenhouse, a place that makes Sei uncomfortable, and how a little bit more of her hurt got chased away. At the time, it only registered as the vague feeling that she did not mind the old greenhouse anymore. She no longer associates Shiori with it. It is now full of Yumi.

They linger at the door of the Mansion before they go in, and Sei thanks her for this morning. Yumi lets go of Sei's sleeve and touches her face. They look at each other for a number of long moments. Sei understands what Shizuka wanted when she said she wanted to see herself reflected in Sei's eyes just once before she left. Sei's first thought at that was that this Shizuka was missing the point. A reflection is just that. It signifies nothing deeper. But when she sees herself reflected in Yumi's dark gaze, the connection is deep and backed up by action, by knowing each other. Sei leans in and kisses Yumi on the forehead and then her nose, before she opens the door and ushers her in.

5.

Sei does not tell Yumi why she really chose Lillian College. There were other factors involved, but there is a kernel that Sei cannot open for Yumi. She had in reality, left it too late to make up her mind if she wanted to go to college or not, so one of her truly viable options was Lillian Women's College. She did not mind. She was not ready to give up Lillian anyway. It was Shiori, always Shiori that was the ultimate deciding factor. She was not lying when she said to Yumi that she wanted to be close to her and Shimako, but there was another name on that list, and that name she tended not to use around Yumi. Yumi covers it well, but she is jealous of the memory of Shiori, and has said so once or twice. Sei can understand this. She told Yumi that there is only her in her heart. Again, she was not lying. Yumi fills her up, preoccupies her and busies her. And yet…the shape of Shiori still cuts out patterns in her, still kept safe in a part of her mind, and sometimes she is more prevalent than others, and no amount of Yumi can chase her away. Part of her is still waiting for Shiori to come back. She has no idea what she would say to the girl, but she wants to see her. Sei often wonders if it is the same for Shiori? Does she think of Sei, does she remember her face, their kisses, their love? Does she also cry over the memory of Sei?

And this is what Sei ruminates over in her empty classroom, the day before graduation. This and many other things. Yumi had found her a while ago, and had stayed with her, keeping her company and putting up with her sentimental ramblings. Sei told her how she never got along with her classmates. She told her that she made many mistakes. She told Yumi that if it had not been for Youko and Eriko, she would not have enjoyed any of her time in high school. In a roundabout way, she was telling Yumi how important Lillian is to her. Yumi laid her head in Sei's lap, and Sei stroked her hair as she talked, loving the feel of the silky strands softly whispering through her fingers. Then Yumi left her to her thoughts. Yumi has an uncanny sense of her, and seems to read her in ways no one else can. Shiori could not do that, no matter how close they became. But then, she did not have with Shiori what she has with Yumi. Lately, however, the more she is with Yumi, for some reason the more she thinks of Shiori. It must be because she is leaving the place she first fell in love in, even if she did not know what it was at the time. And then she fell in love again, with Yumi. She is linking them, and it does not sit well with her. The only thing they have in common is Sei's love. It feels like a betrayal of Yumi to have her name in the same circle as Shiori's, but there is nothing Sei can do about it. Sei does not keep a diary, and now she wonders if she should. Would it help? She prefers to write short stories to amuse herself and pass the time. Sei has been complimented by her teachers for her compositions for class. Even that bastard, her homeroom teacher in second year, who took great delight in helping the situation with Shiori blow up had good things to say in relation to them. He had been shown them by another teacher, and this teacher became her homeroom teacher in her third year and had asked Sei if she would consider pursuing literature at college level.

This conversation had taken place a few months into third year in a very casual manner after school one day. Niyaki-sensei had asked Sei to stay behind, and Youko took her stuff with her to the Rose Mansion, giving her an encouraging smile on the way out. Niyaki-sensei expressed concern over the fact that Sei had yet to submit her future plans about what she wanted to do after school, gently reminding her that this is her third and final year. Sei, of course had been fully aware of this, but still had no idea what she wanted to do. She had no career in mind, there was no one thing that attracted her attention, no burning desires. Neet was looking more and more likely for her. The teacher sat in one of the desks, and put her briefcase on it, and took out the entire overview for the American and English Literature course next door. Sei smiled to herself. Casual chat, huh? Yet, she was quietly amazed that the teacher cared to even go to this length for her. Niyaki-sensei indicated the desk beside her, suggesting that Sei should sit down for a while and have a look. Feeling a little surreal, and a little more embarrassed, Sei sat beside her teacher as she went over the course content for all four years with her. An indeterminate amount of time later, the teacher shuffled the pages into a neat pile, picked them up and patted them into place. She handed the whole thing over to Sei and smiled at her. A genuine, one-person-to-another smile and requested of Sei to at least think about it. They both got up and bowed to each other, and left each other at the door. Sei had wandered off to the shoe changing area, slightly dazed.

Now sitting in her empty classroom, she wonders why people insist on caring about her, and why it is never the people she expects. In her pocket is a final letter from Tomiko. _She must know I know it's her by now,_ Sei smiles to herself, getting off her own desk, and going to sit at Tomiko's. _All these years Tomika-san. All these years you put me on a pedestal, made me whatever you wanted. All these years of watching and wanting, of writing some of the most beautiful sentiments I have ever seen committed to paper._ Sei thinks that Tomiko-san would do well as a writer, because she certainly has talent. She takes out two folded up letters from her pocket. She reads Tomiko's letter again, a goodbye letter this one, wondering if Tomiko will come back to reminisce like Sei had done. She lifts the lid of the desk, and sees there are still some books in there. She will be back then. Sei puts the letter on top of the books, and her reply on top of that. She closes the lid of the desk, running her long fingers over the scratched surface, countless years of school girls marring the soft wood, tapping a random beat with her fingertips.

Sei gets up, and walks to the top of the classroom, looking at the empty desks, waiting for the next set of third years to sit in them. She looks at where Youko and Eriko sat, the three student council heads sitting in a row. She looks down to the back where Hanzaki Tomiko sat. A random snatch of poetry floats through her mind. She cannot remember where she read it, thinking it might have been graffiti:

"What ghosts will come and meet you at the gate,

The ghosts of your past, or the ghosts of your fate?"

Sei lowers her head and leaves the classroom, waving goodbye to the ghosts of her past, asking them nicely to please, just stay here.

6.

The next day, as she waits in line to be seated in the gym for the graduation ceremony, she berates herself. _What the hell was I so sentimental about anyway_, she asks herself, disgusted.

7.

Like a wind, time blows Sei, sending her tumbleweeding through the next few years. There are ups and downs; heart break and heart heal. She watches Yumi develop into an extraordinary woman, continually surprising Sei. She watches her friends find their ways through life. She watches Yoshino shake off the shackles of her childhood illness and cut a swath through the young women of their college. Yoshino is another one of them who decided to stay in Lillian. She eventually gets her teaching certification and becomes a history teacher in Lillian high school. She now lives not too far from Sei and Yumi, and she and Yumi have continued to be the best of friends, and it is like nothing has changed when the two of them are together. Nana has made a reappearance in her life, but still, Yoshino feels no tendency to settle, changing her partners on a regular basis, sometimes men, sometimes women. Yoshino makes no excuses for her way of life, which is refreshing in its own way.

She watches Youko become lawyer, much in her mother's mould. She becomes a criminal lawyer, opting to be a crusader and not a money maker. This is contrary to other's expectations of Youko, who was warned that being a criminal lawyer is tiring, unprofitable work. It does not surprise Sei. Youko's fine mind and big heart would have been wasted in the corporate world. She does well enough to open her own practice, and strangely enough, Yumi's and Youko's worlds occasionally overlap. By thirty Yumi already had her doctorate, which is testament to Yumi's determination and sacrifice since she was eighteen. She specialises in international relations, but focuses a lot on the minority groups extant in Japan, which leads her to Youko for advice on social matters that Youko has a side line in. Being around criminals brings Youko into contact with some very interesting people, which puts Yumi into contact with them, as she traces prostitution and illegal immigrants, and why the government makes grandiose statements about them, yet refuses to recognise the issues at stake. One of her books details why it would be politic to address Japan's place in Asian slave trade, as Yumi deliberately and inflammatorily words it, and spoke more outside of Japan than in about it, and that perhaps legalisation and collection of taxes would make people more willing to discuss it. Yumi nearly gets herself sacked, but she does not care. She levels charges of bribery and corruption, mentions Yakuza and government officials by name, and gets death threats, and Youko gets hired to help her out with some those.

She watches Eriko finish her education and then happily settle down with Dinosaur Man. Sei calls him that to his face, as in she addresses him this way, and the man in question never takes offence, thinking it quite fitting, and likening it to a super hero name. Eriko rebukes her for it so Sei adds a san to the end of it, and that is about as far as she will go. Dinosaur Man-san is fine with it, and even his daughter began calling him that for a while, until she got old enough to find it embarrassing. Speaking of his daughter, Eriko need not have worried so much about meeting her. Despite her misgivings, Eriko became a good friend to his daughter and a good mother to the two sisters and brother she supplies in quick succession.

Sei also sees Sachiko become a mother, to only one, a girl, Momo-chan, who spends quite a lot of time with Yumi and Sei. Sei's own feelings regarding Momo-chan shocks her. She never thought of herself as the maternal sort, having no interaction with children at all, or ever wanting any, finds growing within herself a fierce attachment to the child. At four, Kashiwagi Momoka looks like her parents. She has the blue eyes, dark hair and classical Japanese features that only centuries of selective and careful inbreeding can maintain. She is like a doll. That she should go to Lillian is a foregone conclusion, and it is there that Sei will often pick her up from kindergarten at Sachiko's insistence, wanting Momo-chan to spend time with her 'aunts'. When she sees the tiny Sachiko-clone bouncing toward her in her Lillian smock, calling her name, her heart will constrict. She does not know why, but Sachiko relies heavily on her to help her with bringing up Momo-chan. She will be raised a lady, but Sachiko wants Yumi and Sei to show her the other side of that. She wants Momoka in the Yumi-mould of lady.

Yumi tells Sei this one night as they lie spooning on their bed, looking out at the lights of Tokyo from their bedroom window. She tells Sei that Sachiko wants Momo-chan to learn genuine warmth, so that people will like her for more than her lineage, more than her name and money. She wants her to send rice when she goes on holidays, that sort of thing. Sei wonders aloud what Sachiko wants from her. Yumi laughs at this. The same thing, she answers, confounding Sei. At twenty-seven, Sei still does not see what others see in her. She is only beginning to feel there is more to herself, despite now being a rather successful author of two novels and working on a third. She finds writing to be a voyage of discovery, but because it is usually a lot of fun, she feels like a fraud. Because she is successful, what every writer wants, she feels like a fraud. But the process engages her completely, and there are few things in her life she can say the same about. And yet…

Sei spends at least two afternoons with Momoka a week, and sometimes the weekends too, depending on circumstances. She shows her the secrets of tea-making, showing her both Yumi's and her mother's favourites. She will leave it up to her grandmother to show her the real ceremony, which Sei always found quite boring, so never bothered to retain the specifics. The tea itself is another matter, and she has a substantial collection to blend and mix. She introduces Momoka to the joys of magical girl anime, something Sei herself will never grow out of, and Yumi will come home often to find them in the middle of a re-enactment of a particularly exciting scene, which she will join in with, knowing what it is. Sei who works from home, will read to her a lot, not her own work, but people like Edgar Allen Poe, and Emily Bronte poetry. She painstakingly translates these for Momoka, and though she does not understand them she likes to sit on Sei's lap on the balcony and listen to her. Listening to Sei is something Yumi and Sachiko like too, and even Suguru-san, when he is back from abroad and comes to pick up his daughter from her aunts. Sei and he have calmed down a lot regarding each other, and they find that they quite like each other in a way, for a certain length of time. Momo-chan inspires Sei's one and only children's book, 'Of Cats and Moons', which does not do too well in Sei's lifetime, and quickly goes out of print. About thirty years after the famous Satou Sei's demise, it will be found again and translated into English and it does a lot better, eventually becoming a classic, often considered better than the Little Prince. During holidays, Yumi takes Momo-chan to work with her, and she is the campus mascot, often sitting beside Yumi's lectern, or beside a 'lucky' student, or in the library as Yumi works on her doctorate, the librarians knowing her and letting her help out. As much as a four year old can, anyway.

When Yumi takes the position in New York, Momoka is eleven and her heart breaks at the news of her favourite aunts leaving her, and Sei surprises herself once more with how much she hates to leave the girl, who now wears the grade school tunic and looks even more like Sachiko. Her hair is as long as her mother's and her face is foreshadowing the famous Ogasawara beauty. There is no stiffness in her. She does not hide her feelings, or each a sandwich with a knife and fork. They are kept in check, she is polite child, who does not make scenes, but with people she knows well, and who know her well, she does not have to. When she is happy, she laughs, when she is sad she cries. Anger results in sulking rather than tantrums. And she is angry at the news of Yumi and Sei leaving her. So much so, that Yumi nearly changes her mind, until Sachiko has words with Momoka privately, and the anger and sulkiness is replaced with sadness, which to Sei's mind is worse.

They stay in New York for four years. Once the novelty wears off, Sei gets tired of it fast. She misses her country, misses her friends, misses the language even the air of Tokyo. She feels very Japanese in New York, which was fun and exciting to visit for work, but now living here, she is very home sick, which surprises everyone else. With Yumi working in the university, she has a lot of time to herself, and she spends it walking around Manhattan where they live. She finds interesting things on a daily basis, which keep her amused, and even makes some friends. Yet she does not take to it. It is a hard city, with hard people. She never says it to Yumi, as she feels it is unfair to Yumi to be bitching when it is so important to Yumi to be here. But of course, Yumi, highly attuned to all things Sei, knows that her partner is not happy, and without discussing it, she puts a time limit on their stay. She wants to finish with her crop of students and then they can go home. Sei feels guilty no matter what Yumi says. Being a writer can be a lonely pursuit, even with the few friends she makes here, and she has no one to read stories to. When she gets tired of wandering around the city, she gets bored, and this can result in her being quite demanding of Yumi. Yumi, much like she did with Momoka, takes Sei to work with her, where she sits in on the classes Yumi teaches. For fun, Yumi sometimes uses Sei to illustrate a point. If there is one good thing about living in this city, this country, they do not hide their relationship. Yumi's employers know, her students know, their friends know, and no one cares. Sei and Yumi, as adult women, walk around hand in hand, happy being able to do so.

Another perk, is that they have real weekends here, two whole days when Yumi does not have to teach, and she gets proper holidays also. During the summer, she can take two whole weeks off, more if she wants, so they can travel. Renting a car, they will sometimes drive for miles and miles, no particular place to go. And those are the happiest times for Sei. Just the two of them, cruising the famous highways she read so much about growing up, experiencing the America that is a dreamy addiction to some of her favourite writers. Day or night, any direction, Sei does not care. As long as she is with Yumi, Sei is in her element. Sei discovers that Yumi is the only person she can spend more than twenty four hours with and still love. They rarely run out of things to talk about, and when they do, they can find other activities.

Not that Sei's time in New York is unproductive. Far from it. She writes what goes on to be her most famous international novel. Her novels are already translated into English and several other languages, but she goes truly global with this one. When she is in her late thirties, it gets optioned by a film company in Japan, which gets an international art house release, and a few years after that, it gets remade by an American company, which brings it to the mainstream, and puts Sei very much in the limelight. In Sei's lifetime, this novel 'Blackbird Dawn', which is quite influenced by Yumi's concerns about corruption and the human slave trade, will be featured in Japanese literature, sociology and other discipline's college courses around the world, as will her life and that of Yumi's, who Sei dedicated all but one of her novels to, and for a few years, she will spend more time in the air than she will on ground.

When they come back to Japan, Momo-chan is fifteen, and wearing the Lillian middle school uniform. She is a proper lady, tall and well made, considerate and funny. She has, however, perfected Sachiko's arrogant glare when pissed, which makes Sei laugh to see it, which annoys Momoka more because it never works on her. Yumi tries to admonish Sei for winding Momoka up, but Sachiko is as bad, and will join in with Sei when teasing her daughter. Sachiko says Rei did this for her around this age, and it took some of her corners off. Momo-chan has corners, and the rounding of them is a job in itself. But for the most part, she is a nice girl, grounded and cheerful, as her mother is at pains to keep her so, constantly pushing back the tide of family obligations that would change Momoka from being who she is: a person of her own choosing. Spending time with Momoka at this age is very interesting for Sei, as it makes her question nurture versus nature. Momoka has picked up a lot from her aunts over the years, and Sei can see herself and Yumi at work in her. She blushes like Yumi, is warm and fun like her, conscientious in everything she does, and she has a very Sei slant to her humour and finds Sei's music collection very interesting. None of this could in any way be hereditary, and yet Sei wonders at it.

When Momoka is sixteen, she enters the high school division, and talk of Onee-samas comes back to them all. Momoka is a lot more aware of the nature of these relationships than they ever were, and they have long discussions about them, and Sei will write another novel that evolves from these discussions, and this novel will be very specific to Japan, not really finding an international audience, simply because of its inherent Japaneseness. Sei deliberately does this, because she is writing a letter to her past self with this novel. Set in a private girl's school in Tokyo, it will spawn manga and to Sei's never ending delight, an anime. Eventually, a few months into term, Momoka is beginning to ask questions Sei never thought she would ever have to answer, or indeed would be embarrassed over. Questions about love, and kissing and sex, and if kissing a girl counts as a first kiss, and when is the right age to have sex. Sei finds herself, unbelievably, mortified over these questions, despite what her own high school life was like, which is why she writes the novel, trying to understand why her adult self would find this so difficult. Sei chickens out and directs her to Yumi. Yumi feels Sachiko would be the best one for the job. Sachiko suggests Sei, the writer would be ideal to ask such questions of, because her books are all about love and sex apparently (Sachiko is a harsh critic and Sei learns not to take offence. She just wishes Sachiko would be nicer about it). Momoka is getting tired of this. Sei calls them both cowards, braces herself, and calls Touko.

It is Touko, still the much loved petite soeur of Yumi, who comes to the rescue. In her no nonsense way, she takes Momoka for a trip to her hospital, where Momoka spends the day with her other sort of aunt/cousin/who knows what, and when she comes back she has no more questions, but some blushing when she talks to Yumi and Sei. Sei rings Touko to ask her what she said. Touko snickers down the phone, and tells Sei she gave her a history lesson, leaving out the more graphic details, about both of her 'aunts' losing control of themselves more than once in school, and nearly being caught having sex in the Rose Mansion when their teenage hormones got the better of them one day. Sei dies a little with shame at this, and makes a note to tell Yumi a really exaggerated version of this so she can tear Dr. Matsudaira a new one. No matter how old they get, these bonds they formed in high school never loosen. Yumi can still make Touko bow her head and blush, can still make her smile with delight, can still make her as giddy as a teenager. Sachiko can still make Yumi sit up straighter, and Yumi still inspires an awesome amount of sisterly protectiveness in Sachiko that amazes Sei. Touko says then she just used them as an example of two people, both girls, who fell in love as teenagers, decided what was right for them, and are still together. She used a number of the Yamayurikai as examples, not just them, but Momoka had some serious questions about sexuality that Sei, who is being a big coward about this really, should be able to provide the best answers for her.

When she and Touko hang up, she is still thinking about soeurs. She is as bad she thinks, laughing to herself in their Harajuku apartment, waiting for Shimako to finish admiring Yumi's flowers on the balcony. Sei goes to make tea, enjoying the breeze that comes in through the balcony doors, carrying with it the scent of flowers, flowers chosen for their fragrance. There are some that smell during the day, and some that smell only at night. Since they began living here, many years ago now, Yumi has always planted flowers. Must be a hangover from the amount of time she spent in the green house at school. Sei sees Shimako quite often, at least every couple of months. Their relationship has not changed much with the years. That special warm distance that defined them is still there, and should Shimako ever need it, Sei is ready to do some Onee-samaish things for her. Shimako finally took over the shrine a couple of years ago, her brother making up his mind, and not wanting to do it, and her father retiring due to some unfortunate heart complaint that makes moving around quite hard for him. Sei remembers Shimako's father as quite an active man, who enjoyed meeting people, so it must be hard for him to be like this. Shimako, on the other hand, seems at peace with her decision. As she told Yumi, she did what she needed to do, and could accept her place with clarity. Yumi, Yoshino and Shimako are still very close, and both Yumi and Yoshino can be found in the Toudou home at any time, work permitting.

But not Noriko. Shimako rarely mentions her now. Noriko was a fine girl, a very nice girl, who Sei is sure grew into a nice woman, but she did not quite get Shimako, off by a hair, but enough to keep them apart. She just could not quite forgive Shimako for giving up on them and leaving. Sei was informed of some details over the years, and guessed at the rest. Touko has told her that Noriko got married to an accountant, and named her little girl Shimako, and that is as far as a reconciliation got. Touko also told her that she has no plans to send her daughter to Lillian. Sei and Shimako spend a few hours talking and drinking tea, exploring ideas and keeping their connection alive and well tended. They talk until Yumi comes home, and Yumi calls Yoshino, and they have dinner and talk and laugh into the night.

Sei often thinks that this is all Shimako wants. To have close friends, people she can be herself around, and that is enough. Sei considers her married to the shrine, like Youko and Touko, both of whom are married to their professions. Touko now owns the family hospital, expanding it with Sachiko's help, making it profitable but still a local hospital, where Touko knows the names of her patients, knows who is doing what. She has no time for anybody who cannot allow for this. The hospital comes first. Youko has her busy if not so profitable practice. She has been threatened, and more often not, has to have a police escort. She is well known, but she is picky about who her clients are. She does not defend gangsters, who have the most money, but she defends prostitutes and petty criminals, she does a lot of pro bono work, and through it, she makes concise points about the society in which they live, which is why Youko and Yumi have a lot in common. Youko is attractive, and good for a soundbite, which is why she is often on the news. If they have lovers or significant others, they never say. Yoshino is as flighty as ever, never getting tired of pursuing her next partner. At the moment, she seems very fond of women. Or rather, girls. Much younger girls, which has Yumi making remarks about midlife crises. Yoshino retaliates with an accusation of jealousy, and much to Sei's amusement and pride Yumi will flick her gaze to Sei, look back at Yoshino, and ask who is jealous of what, exactly.

8.

At nearly forty, Sei is very content and happy with these women and their families in her life. The Ogasawara estate is often thrown open for the lot of them, and Sei loves these times the most. Nearly every birthday, anniversary and holiday (both real and made up) are celebrated there. The special, women only New Years are still a tradition, and Sei finds she does not mind the nostalgia of it when she actually thinks of it. Especially as she could be friends with Sachiko again, and Momo-chan can take responsibility for that. It is nice to have Sachiko as her friend again, it is nice for Yumi to have her Onee-sama back, even if they are far too old for that, but when Momo-chan was born, everything changed, and bygones were just that. It is nice to know Momoka. It is weird the first year Momoka brings her petite soeur to one of the New Year's parties. Oddly enough, two things make Sei feel slightly uncomfortable. Momoka became a member of the Yamayurikai, in the Gigantea line, and her petite soeur has a passing resemblance to Sei. Clearly of mixed heritage, and her hair but a few shades darker than Sei's. Sachiko does not seem very surprised when she meets the girl, but says nothing to Sei, and Sei does not have the courage to pursue Sachiko on her knowing smile. But Sei welcomes the nervous girl, managing to make her laugh and blush. Sei thanks the universe that teenage girls have yet to find her a bore.

When Momoka is eighteen, she confesses to Sei that she has always been in love with her. This turn of events confuse Sei. Of all the things she could say, Sei is not expecting this. Much like she wrote to Tomiko-san when she graduated from high school (wondering if Tomiko actually got that letter) she thanks Momoka for loving her and being brave enough to say it (which Tomiko was not). She explains that she cannot return her feelings, as Momo-chan knows, because Sei loves another, the other she has loved for twenty three years, who Momo-chan knows and loves well. She tells Momoka that she is her precious thing, and that she means the world to Sei, and how she misses her when she has to be away from her, but she cannot, and never will, love Momoka the way she wants her to. She will never be what Momoka wants her to be. Momoka accepts this with dignity and apologises to Sei for making her uncomfortable. Sei tells her not to worry about it, and hugs Momoka, and that is when Momoka lets go of her dignity and cries in Sei's arms, cries in front of the one person she would not wish to cry in front of.

Feelings appropriate or not, Sei is like an aunt to this girl, and Sei can do nothing but hold her as she cries and cries, because life is not fair, and one does not always get what one wants. And all the time, Sei thinks of the fine line she treads in other people's lives. She is not technically family to any of her friends, but in a way, an acceptable Japanese way, she is. She is welcome in their homes, is part of their family celebrations, lots of her friend's parents treat her like an additional daughter. Sei is within and without, and it suits her just fine. But it can present its complications. Like the weeping teenager in her arms. She holds Momoka like she did Yumi over twenty years ago behind the school chapel, where Momoka, according to her mother and Yoshino has also been holding girls. Sei's job now is to comfort, to make sure she is ok. She is the same age Sei was then, but she seems so much younger to Sei. But then, Sei cannot shake from her mind, no matter how old Momoka gets, the image of four year old Momo-chan in her Lillian kindergarten smock, running toward her, her scabby knees visible under her shorts, her long hair flying out behind her, and she does not care about school rules, because her aunty Sei is here, in her yellow car, and she is calling for her, and Sei, at twenty seven, thought her chest would burst from the big love in her heart for a child that is not hers, but in a way, was given to her to help bring up by a woman who no matter what, never stopped thinking of Sei as her friend, as a part of her family, and judged her fit to care for her daughter, and teach her things she could not. Sachiko trusted Sei with her most precious thing.

Sei pulls Momoka tighter. _Child of my heart_, she thinks, trying to disentangle the woman, yes, the woman, Momoka has become from the little girl image she always carries of Momoka. The little girl, who aged six, memorably declared she was going to fly to the moon on a giant cat, just like in her dream. Sei helped her chart her course, and Yumi helped her look up the biggest cats in the world on the internet (the liger was a favourite for a bit. Sei found it creepy, but Yumi kept it as a wall paper for a while. Probably because Sei found it creepy). She struggles to do this, and feels like she is failing Momoka in some way. Sei feels, even at forty one, she is still not adult enough to manage this situation, the same way she could not answer questions on sex properly. Once again, she feels the intangible pressure of not living up to someone else's expectations, which at the moment, is taking the shape of Momoka's need to love. Unlike with Yumi all those years ago, Sei stays quiet, because in some ways, she does not know Momoka, not the way she knew Yumi, so she remains quiet, letting her silent acceptance which is her presence do the talking for her. Instead, she talks inside her head, saying all the things she wants to say, but afraid she will sound patronising, or condescending, be misconstrued or hurtful. Above all, Sei does not wish to harm her.

In her head, she tells Momoka that she loves her, loves the bones of her, that she is the child Sei would have wanted if she ever had the slightest interest in procreating, that she has loved Momoka in ways she thought herself incapable of. That it is a privilege to know Momoka, to have known her since she came into the world, that she learned so much about herself and Yumi that she never would have even guessed at had Momoka not been a part of their lives. That through the power of Momoka's place in their lives, she could be friends with Sachiko again. That Momoka kept Sei interested in the world, she is Sei's important friend, and there is no way she can change that feeling in her. After all, she and Yumi helped to raise Momoka. They fretted over accidents, shared embarrassed glances over questions about sex, cheered her on at various events, helped her with homework, and praised the results. They took her to dinner with them, always remembered something for her when they were away, and when she was old enough, they took her with them, and sometimes Sachiko too. Silently, she tells Momoka that yes, she knows it hurts now, but in a while, and how long that while is, is entirely up to Momoka, she will move on. That clichéd sentiment hurt to even think, but it is true and that is why it is a cliché.

Eventually, with no little embarrassment, it is time for Momoka to go home. Sei kisses her on the forehead, like she has done for eighteen years, and sends her down to her driver, probably the only thing Sachiko ever insisted on that is far, far, less than humble for her daughter. Both Youko's and Yumi's death threats make Sachiko very paranoid. When she is gone, Sei breathes a sigh of relief. She gets a beer from the fridge, and goes and sits in the cold on the balcony, and that is where Yumi finds her when she comes home. She comes out onto the balcony with another beer for Sei and one for herself, and asks Sei what is wrong that she has to sit out here. After all, this is the place Sei sits when something is bothering her. For some reason, the balcony has always been Yumi's place, Sei comes out here to talk to Yumi, or if their friends want to sit out here. She prefers to be inside, lying on the couch or sitting at her desk. Sei debated long and hard before Yumi came home if she should tell her or not about what occurred in her absence. It is not that Yumi would be angry with Momoka, or Sei, as Yumi is not a particularly jealous woman, and certainly would not be over this. Rather she would be upset for Momoka. She would empathise and worry over Momoka. Because that is how Yumi rolls. Sei does tell her, because it does not feel right to have a secret from her, and they have been together a long time, and they know each other well. They finish each other's sentences and have whole conversations without words. That is how _they_ roll, and always have.

So Sei tells her everything, including all of the things she could not say, and Yumi, soft gentle Yumi, cries for Momoka. Of course she does. Just like the time she went out for dinner with Katou Kei because she felt bad for her. Other women would not have been so forgiving, but Yumi understands many things about the world in which they live, and in her own particular way, she goes about exploring them. So Yumi cries a little for Momoka and later, when they are tucked in bed together, she cries a little for Sei having to be the one to hurt Momoka, understanding how hard it must have been for her to be put in this very singular situation. Yumi, who once told the board of directors of her university when they wanted to resign her position over her book, published without their knowledge but using their resources, that they should be ashamed of themselves. They are running an institute of learning, where they mould young minds to be better people, to make their world a better place, that if they wanted her resignation, they would never get it, that she would cause such a shit storm that they would be the ones resigning, that she would fight them every inch of the way. Because she was not ashamed to say she believed in something, and that every student who was under her care would carry that with them for the rest of their lives. Yumi said this in a very casual manner when she came home early from work one day, clearly wrung out but quietly jubilant, that she would not be bullied by bureaucratic toadies masquerading as teachers. She mentioned to Sei as a former Rosa Chinensis, such as thing was not possible. Sei had laughed, slightly hysterical, over the whole thing, but she cannot recall a time when she felt prouder to be this woman's special someone. And here is the same woman crying over a teenager's hurt feelings. If only they knew!

Sei wonders why Yumi would cry for her. She understands the reason, it is more the how. Sei had felt like crying, but she had not. The last time Sei felt like crying was when she and Yumi broke up, and the last time she actually cried was when Yumi came home. There had not been much cause for crying in her life. A fact she is more that grateful for. Even when her father died, she did not join her mother, whom she had not seen for ten years, in her dramatic weeping and gnashing of teeth. Sei had not known her parents properly in a long time. They sent her money, even when she earned her own and plenty of it, they kept doing it. She told them not to, but they said it was their duty to their unmarried daughter. Sei mentioned she was married, and they replied that it does not count. That really was the last straw for Sei. She completely gave up on them. Even Yumi stopped urging her to keep in contact with them after that. They kept sending her money, and Sei let them. It was her last duty, excepting their funerals, to her parents. She let them feel justified; she let them go about their perceived duty. Sei just sent the money to various charities. At his funeral, she felt nothing. She was not sad, she was not angry. She spent some time remembering what it was like when she was younger, and they had a happier unit, the three of them. She remembered him bringing home cake, and she remembered him reading to her. He used to play with her when he came home from work. Then work got in the way, and he, and her mother, chose it over her. They did not need more money, they both came from well-off backgrounds, but ambition is ambition, and greed is greed. And she got sacrificed for it. She watched her mother cry, and still felt nothing. This woman was not her family. Yumi was her family, Yumi who sat quietly in the background of this occasion. Her Rose Family have been her family and their families too.

Youko's mother who used to ask Sei her opinion on such and such a case, and was actually interested in the answer. Youko would be embarrassed by her mother's work talk, as teenagers will be over such things, but Sei thought it was nice that someone would ask her. She thought of Yumi's mother, who after about a three years' worth of tales from her daughter about Sei's adventurous yet awful cooking, taught her how to make some simple dishes even a monkey could make, and they were all Yumi's favourites, who's love of simplicity extends to her stomach. She thought about playing Godzilla Crushing Tokyo with Eriko's son. She thought about getting drunk with Dinosaur-Man-san one night, and playing Godzilla Crushing Tokyo with him too, while Eriko looked on, not sure whether to laugh or cry as the two of them rolled on the floor, quite literally helpless with laughter. They were very good friends after that, a unique understanding born of too much sake. She remembered Sachiko's mother, who loved to see Sei, really shone with it when Sei came to visit, because Sei always remembered to bring her something new to try, a taste of a world that was not for this woman. She remembered going to Rei's wedding, and sneaking out to tie cans to the back of the groom's car with Yoshino, a lovely western tradition that caught on nicely in Japan, the two of them trying to be very, very quiet with a big bag of empty cans Yoshino had been squirreling away for weeks.

She remembered weekends away with friends from college, going to see the cherry blossoms with these people she only sort of knew, and remembered that once, when composing a drunken haiku a petal getting in her drink and nearly choking on it as Kei laughed herself to the point of apoplexy over it. She remembered when Yumi went away for a conference related to her college course in Kyoto, Sei decided to go on a trip herself, that hopefully would coincide with Yumi's, some vague romantic gesture on her part. She and some college friends squashed into her beetle and hit the road. Only, she decided to take Yoshino with her, and somehow, with the exception of Sei, Yoshino managed to seduce every member of the party, which caused some very uncomfortable silences. Sei found Yumi, who of course, was delighted to see her, and Yoshino was made take the train back because of her bad behaviour. Yumi would only seduce Sei, so everyone else was safe.

She remembered when Youko received her first (yes, her first) death threat; how she pretended everything was fine, but finally confided in Sei that she was terrified and she really did not know what to do. This was a huge admission for Youko, who seemed to always know what to do. Well, of course, she likes to let everyone think she knows what to do, but Sei knows better. She knows how human Youko is, how scared she gets. So Sei talked to Sachiko, whose family is well known and well connected, and Sachiko spoke to her father. The death threats did not go away, because this was Yakuza they were talking about, but this family are used to being targets and if anyone knew anything about this sort of thing, it would be the Ogasawaras. Youko remained alive, thankfully, and she was advised to make herself as public a figure as possible. When Yumi was threatened, Sei did not need to say anything. There were body guards at the door, and Yumi was not allowed to drive her own car for a while. Neither was Sei. The bodyguard who spent the most time at the apartment was oddly enough called Yuuki.

Sei sat at her father's funeral, and thought about other people. The people who actually cared about her, and whom she cared about. The funny things, and the sad things, the serious things. She remembered marrying Yumi in Shimako's shrine. She remembered that she was on time, but Yumi was late. She remembered seeing Yumi run up the hill to the house, sweating and panting and apologising, Yoshino running beside her. She did not have time to get dressed in the lovely number she had chosen for the day, so she got married in her work suit. Sei would have married her in a chicken suit. Yumi was here, she did not have second thoughts, just had a flat tire, which she and Yoshino had to change. She did get to wear the dress later on, and Sei lovingly took it off her again in their apartment, after all the festivities, high as kite at the idea of being married to Yumi, not caring that the government did not consider it legal. She was married, dammit, to the person she loved. She remembered that everyone she cared about was there, but her parents were not, because she did not care for them. She thought of everyone except her parents, and that was finally the only thing that made her sad at her father's funeral.

9.

As they lie in bed together, Yumi snuggling into the shelter of Sei's arms, as Sei enjoys the familiar feel of Yumi in this position, as the moon rises over Tokyo on a wintery night, as she runs her thumb over her wedding ring, despite everything that has happened over the last twenty odd years, the good, the excellent, the awful, the indifferent, Sei still feels ok. She wonders at the fears that stilled her tongue earlier with Momoka, that now with Yumi, her best friend and lover, her family, secure in her arms, her fierce little Yumi, her soft little Yumi, she thinks perhaps she should have said what was in her heart. These slow feelings of love and understanding that filter through the chambers within. Now that Yumi is here, Yumi who cries for her, over her, her fears are not so great anymore. She pulls Yumi closer to her, kissing her, cuddling her, not an inch of her unknown to Sei, taking solace in the physical fact of her here in her arms, kissing her back, touching her, loving her, not an inch of Sei unknown to Yumi. She kisses Yumi's soft and still dangerous lips, and smiles as she does so, feeling Yumi smile in return.

_There you are_, Sei smiles into her. _Yes, here I am_, Yumi smiles into Sei, in the dark of their bedroom, their bed, their world beneath the blankets.

_Here we are._

Done.

My apologies, but the last couple of chapters are going to be a while. I just started college as a grown up person, and I am going to be extremely busy. I will do my very best to get them to you before the end of the year, but I cannot guarantee them. I hope you have enjoyed my writing so far, and I thank you all for your favouriting and following and your very lovely reviews.


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